NOTE:It is important to keep in mind that in this following piece, I’m speaking mostly to the extremes in these four categories, and there can very well be hybrids amongst these different groups.

Mr. Know Nothing, Do Nothing

This first type of lover is your regular Joe. He has absolutely no clue what he’s doing, and most times (like many in the other categories you’ll go on to read about) says nothing about his ignorance. Very rarely, (as in very) you’ll come across Tunde no wait, definitely not… Dave, (an anomaly of course) who will be honest and tell you that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. However more often than not, you get Joe; who has no clue what he’s doing, and just wings it (like you do your eyebrows) while hoping for the best. He’s probably the guy that tries to swallow your face while kissing you, or sticks his anaconda in the wrong place, or…. You get the picture. I will however admit that he’s probably not the worst on this list; he’s certainly not the guy in category 2.

Mr. It’s All About Me

Now this guy… Oh Man (Drizzy voice of course), Not again. Let’s just go right ahead and call him Femi (since we all know Femi, although handsome, is a special brand of fuckboy). Now you can probably tell what kind of lover Femi is from the title above, but just in case you’re still wondering, he’s the selfish lover. The dude who cums and rolls off? Yeah that guy. He’s the guy that cares almost entirely about his pleasure, and if you just so happen to reach that point of ecstasy, then great for you. But make no mistake; sex with you isn’t about you.

It’s entirely about him, and so long as he’s satisfied, all is well in the world. He might even try to convince you that this is the normalcy of things. That it is the man’s pleasure that’s of utmost importance, and you might at some point begin to believe it, the same way Theon Greyjoy started believing his name was Reek thanks to Femi Ramsay’s psychological convincing (sorry if you don’t watch Game of Thrones). In case you can’t tell, I don’t like this guy at all. In fact, I dislike this guy as much as I dislike the one you’ll be reading about next.

Mr. Greatest Of All Thespians (Really gives G.O.A.T a new meaning) 

This guy…sigh. This dude irritates me in a special way because he, with a little touch of Femi, is probably the most common type of lover. He is the kind that uploads sexual pictures on Instagram, talmbout “Mood”…Ok Ok I’m being petty but still. This guy, as the title suggests is a lot more concerned with performance than he is with pleasure. He is the definition of an empty barrel making all that noise for no damn reason. He wants you to know that he can f*ck the shit out of you, but gives little to no consideration to whether or not you’re being pleased.

NEVER watch porn with this dude because chances are, he’ll try to reenact every scene you just saw. He might even do a pushup while he’s at it, just to show you that he’s Mr. Capable. #noshade But do you want to know what’s the most mind boggling thing about this dude? A lot of times, it’s not even about his pleasure either. He’s so consumed with performance that he doesn’t give much thought to anyone’s pleasure.

(Mr.) King Midas

Alas, we have reached the conclusion of this article. If only the tale of the different types of lovers concluded here for every woman. Anyway, as we are all aware, (thanks to Drizzy) King Midas in Greek Mythology was that nigga! You know, the one that turned everything he touched into gold? Yeah that’s who this last category is dedicated to. If you ever come across this guy, there are only two possibilities: you either run for your life because you understand the danger that he is (as per dickmatization) or you hold on for dear life – yeah I meant that both literally and figuratively. This King is the complete opposite of Femi.

In fact, his selflessness is the real reason why I’m writing this post. But again, make no mistake – he isn’t completely selfless; he’s just selfish in a different way. In fact, how do I explain this? Ok… he is as selfless as he is selfish because your pleasure isn’t just something he wants. It’s something he needs. And so in selflessly pleasing you, he’s selfishly pleasing himself, since his pleasure depends almost entirely on yours. He is the best kind of lover because he’s attentive. If he can’t sense what you like/don’t like, he cares enough to ask. He’s the guy that will have you wondering why you even gave Femi the time of day, instead of being stingy with your kuttikat. In conclusion, He is that nigga.