The Naked Convos

4 Types Of Men In Bed

NOTE:It is important to keep in mind that in this following piece, I’m speaking mostly to the extremes in these four categories, and there can very well be hybrids amongst these different groups.

Mr. Know Nothing, Do Nothing

This first type of lover is your regular Joe. He has absolutely no clue what he’s doing, and most times (like many in the other categories you’ll go on to read about) says nothing about his ignorance. Very rarely, (as in very) you’ll come across Tunde no wait, definitely not… Dave, (an anomaly of course) who will be honest and tell you that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. However more often than not, you get Joe; who has no clue what he’s doing, and just wings it (like you do your eyebrows) while hoping for the best. He’s probably the guy that tries to swallow your face while kissing you, or sticks his anaconda in the wrong place, or…. You get the picture. I will however admit that he’s probably not the worst on this list; he’s certainly not the guy in category 2.

Mr. It’s All About Me

Now this guy… Oh Man (Drizzy voice of course), Not again. Let’s just go right ahead and call him Femi (since we all know Femi, although handsome, is a special brand of fuckboy). Now you can probably tell what kind of lover Femi is from the title above, but just in case you’re still wondering, he’s the selfish lover. The dude who cums and rolls off? Yeah that guy. He’s the guy that cares almost entirely about his pleasure, and if you just so happen to reach that point of ecstasy, then great for you. But make no mistake; sex with you isn’t about you.

It’s entirely about him, and so long as he’s satisfied, all is well in the world. He might even try to convince you that this is the normalcy of things. That it is the man’s pleasure that’s of utmost importance, and you might at some point begin to believe it, the same way Theon Greyjoy started believing his name was Reek thanks to Femi Ramsay’s psychological convincing (sorry if you don’t watch Game of Thrones). In case you can’t tell, I don’t like this guy at all. In fact, I dislike this guy as much as I dislike the one you’ll be reading about next.

Mr. Greatest Of All Thespians (Really gives G.O.A.T a new meaning) 

This guy…sigh. This dude irritates me in a special way because he, with a little touch of Femi, is probably the most common type of lover. He is the kind that uploads sexual pictures on Instagram, talmbout “Mood”…Ok Ok I’m being petty but still. This guy, as the title suggests is a lot more concerned with performance than he is with pleasure. He is the definition of an empty barrel making all that noise for no damn reason. He wants you to know that he can f*ck the shit out of you, but gives little to no consideration to whether or not you’re being pleased.

NEVER watch porn with this dude because chances are, he’ll try to reenact every scene you just saw. He might even do a pushup while he’s at it, just to show you that he’s Mr. Capable. #noshade But do you want to know what’s the most mind boggling thing about this dude? A lot of times, it’s not even about his pleasure either. He’s so consumed with performance that he doesn’t give much thought to anyone’s pleasure.

(Mr.) King Midas

Alas, we have reached the conclusion of this article. If only the tale of the different types of lovers concluded here for every woman. Anyway, as we are all aware, (thanks to Drizzy) King Midas in Greek Mythology was that nigga! You know, the one that turned everything he touched into gold? Yeah that’s who this last category is dedicated to. If you ever come across this guy, there are only two possibilities: you either run for your life because you understand the danger that he is (as per dickmatization) or you hold on for dear life – yeah I meant that both literally and figuratively. This King is the complete opposite of Femi.

In fact, his selflessness is the real reason why I’m writing this post. But again, make no mistake – he isn’t completely selfless; he’s just selfish in a different way. In fact, how do I explain this? Ok… he is as selfless as he is selfish because your pleasure isn’t just something he wants. It’s something he needs. And so in selflessly pleasing you, he’s selfishly pleasing himself, since his pleasure depends almost entirely on yours. He is the best kind of lover because he’s attentive. If he can’t sense what you like/don’t like, he cares enough to ask. He’s the guy that will have you wondering why you even gave Femi the time of day, instead of being stingy with your kuttikat. In conclusion, He is that nigga.

Temi Niran is a content developer, food lover, and Television Connoisseur. She also just stole this description from her Twitter bio. When she isn't reading articles/novels, she's on her social Blog.

Comments
  • Oshey! King Midas, pleasing them ladies since 19kokoro. Biko, any Midas in the house… Lol

    Epiphany29.com
    Work Outfit, Faux Leather Patch Skirt

    November 3, 2015
    • Ken
      Hi Gracey
      November 3, 2015
  • As weird as it may sound, I absolutely love the Mr know nothing do nothing because with a little tweaking, they can be just right for you. Unlike the other categories that think they already know it all and might not be willing to learn or try new stuff.

    Take today’s poll
    HAVE YOU EVER RUBBED YOUR SUCCESS IN ANYONE’S FACE?
    Click on the link to vote
    http://alocovivavoce.com/2015/11/03/have-you-ever-rubbed-your-success-in-peoples-face/

    November 3, 2015
  • ebi
    The irony is that all the guys in these four categories all assume that the fall into the Fourth Category.
    How little they know.
    SMH!
    November 3, 2015
  • My category isn’t here.
    MR. WE WANT TO LEARN.
    If only i can find someone willing to teach me.
    Any volunteers willing to do community service?
    November 3, 2015
    • thetoolsman
      And they say yoruba boys are demons.. Smh.. Lord help you…
      November 3, 2015
      • Loooooool. Not a demon please.
        Humbly as i come, willing to learn at the thighs of a lady.
        November 3, 2015
        • Oshey Learner
          November 3, 2015
          • Anonymous Aboki
            Temi Niran,

            I’m just here for you..and your plush writing..and hair..

            Cheers

            November 3, 2015
          • thetoolsman
            Heysss.. Mr Aboki.. Hands off the aburo.. Focus on the more matured fishes here… Thenz..
            November 4, 2015
          • See toolsman claiming aburoship.
            November 4, 2015
          • thetoolsman
            Claim? Please, it’s not in my DNA.
            November 4, 2015
    • BOMA
      #word. How much is school fees
      November 3, 2015
    • Olayinka
      You are definitely type 1 pushing to be a King Midas dear. With a little more selfish selflessness, you’ll surely get there. Lol..
      November 3, 2015
      • Someborri cannot play with you again.

        See as you said “definitely”,

        November 4, 2015
    • Oh well..
      I guess I’m just 40% Midas and 60% Learner 🙂
      November 3, 2015
    • Ray
      Lmao. Ad for free.
      Well, the thing about King Midas that Temi didn’t mention is that he likes to learn too cos he always wants to explore new ways to please his woman.
      November 3, 2015
  • joe
    Mr Femi.
    Pls epp me
    November 3, 2015
  • Mr Femi
    Plxx epp me
    November 3, 2015
  • Debloww
    That Nigga!!!!

    Sigh…

    November 3, 2015
  • julibravo
    pls where can I find the KING ??
    November 3, 2015
    • thetoolsman
      Erm.. his palace?
      November 3, 2015
  • Terdoh
    Where is my throne and where is my scepter?
    November 3, 2015
    • Ute
      You don’t know? Well, hello there Mr. Know Nothing…
      November 3, 2015
      • INI
        Lmao!
        November 6, 2015
    • King Terdoh?
      November 3, 2015
  • Madam Ye
    Mr King Midas…..I love thee…..I thrive on your selfishness…..Long sigh…..

    ‘shakes head’

    Back to work Ye!

    November 3, 2015
  • Ibiela
    I keep finding Midas and losing him :'(
    November 3, 2015
    • That has to be the worst. Hopefully, another comes along sha
      November 3, 2015
  • When an Akwa-ibom babe finds King Midas, trust me ‘she ain’t never letting go’.

    This is a clasp him between your thighs and lock it there -kinda situation.

    November 3, 2015
  • Rick
    i believe that i can fall into any of those categories depending on the lady i am with. if its Buhari’s daughter its definitely category 4, if its a girl that the first time we were together i was early on arrival i would fall into category 3, if its just one “madam come n help me cum” somebody i wud fall into category 2 and for all those “ogbologbo” aunties i wud gently stay in category 1
    November 3, 2015
  • Olayinka
    Who wrote this? Take a bearish hug abeg. The G.O.A.TS ehn.. Let me just be looking.
    King Midas sha… I don’t know o. Sometimes they lose you in the process of trying to satisfy you for those of us that love sharing authority in the Kingdom. For the Queen Helenas, sometimes you want to be the pleaser, not all the time wait on King Midas. Sometimes take charge. Drive him nuts. Do most of the job. Give him memories. Make him start a 10 year old trojan war over your honeypot.
    Please when are you doing the ratings for women?
    November 3, 2015
    • Ray
      ‘For the Queen Helenas, sometimes you want to be the pleaser, not all the time wait on King Midas. Sometimes take charge. Drive him nuts. Do most of the job. Give him memories. Make him start a 10 year old trojan war over your honeypot.’
      This! I feel you, sisteh!
      November 3, 2015
      • thetoolsman
        Ah… Ray and Yinka.. We are loyal to your kingdom..
        November 3, 2015
        • Ray
          Lol ya using style to tell us ya a King Midas, abi? ?
          November 3, 2015
          • thetoolsman
            The “Tools” Men >>> King Midas… *sips chapman c[_]*
            November 4, 2015
    • Trojan war? Over some cat? In 2015?
      Do we look like Menelaus to y’all?
      November 4, 2015
  • Ray
    Just here, reading and chuckling cos I have my King Midas. ??
    November 3, 2015
  • Olushola
    *roll call*
    Teacher: Midas!
    Me: *rolls eyes* Present sir.
    Selfishly selfless since 19gbogboro
    As much as the pleasure comes from her pleasure, it doesn’t kill to ask for some head spinning, tongues conjuring freaky (turn me in and out) action once in a while.
    Dear Helena, where are thou?
    November 3, 2015
  • Ken.
    Anyone who’s had the King knows how hard it is to put him into words. He’s the kind you get to relax with, have fun, enjoy the ride. With him, its an interactive session of mutual satisfaction. The King? That’s bae!

    However, there’s a special variation of Mr GOAT who is the absolute worst! The ones with the “na you go tire” mentality who think its a competition and will go all out to prove their strength and stamina while all the time doing next to nothing. I’m not quite sure how to break these ones down but then, I just hope you don’t have to find out for yourself – all bruises and no pleasure. He never forgets to ask every other minute if you’re tired yet. Before you hear this, you believe there’s nothing worse than “did you come?” or “have you come?”. Well, now you know, there is!

    November 3, 2015
    • thetoolsman
      “are you tired” hahaha.. women have suffered sha..
      November 3, 2015
    • Larhmie
      So relateable #All bruises and no pleasure. How I hate all those ” have you come? How many times? Are u tired yet” sorta questions. To add insult to injury, dz sorta guy would ask for his name to be screamed at every turn to prove he’s doing a good job. ” who’s the man? what’s my name? Scream my name” oh yeah???? I’m to scream ur name when u are doing such an awful job? D “know next to nothing” guy is way better than guys in this category cos you can guide him on how you want to be pleased.
      November 6, 2015
  • moody
    Lmao, this is the first time I’m commenting on this blog, I had to because my first sexual experience was with a guy named Femi who has the same MO as Mr.Femi in the illustration, I had to screengrab it and send to my girlfriends, thanks for making my day
    November 3, 2015
    • thetoolsman
      oh wow.. This Femi business is deep yo… Thanks for commenting…
      November 4, 2015
  • Likeabite
    As a 31 year-old faithful servant of God who knows nothing about any of these types, I cannot wait for the dear Lord to bless me with an opportunity to figure out which one I am because this wait is driving me up a wall, Paranormal Activity style. And for the rest of you on here, you better be married having experienced all these types before Johnny comes along to bless you with his Godly presence ???
    November 3, 2015
  • My Oga is a serious G.O.A.T and even after talking about it he still no wan gree say na G.O.A.T im be. Plix epp a faithful sister how can i invoke the spirit of Oba Midas into Le Boo…. Urgent help is needed.
    November 3, 2015
  • This post ehn… I brought my jotter along sha.
    November 3, 2015
  • Funk
    In summary, we’re all selfish. Good night.
    November 3, 2015
  • LOL. Some of you tryna set P. I’m just here observing. Nice work Temi. Thumbs up. For my category? I’m 50% G.O.A.T/King Midas but I’m willing to ‘learn’. Er, erm, can I repost this on my blog?
    November 4, 2015
    • thetoolsman
      With a link back to us, sure…
      November 4, 2015
  • @officialdebol
    Not giving my source credit would be plagiarism. I’ll surely do as you said. Cheers!
    November 4, 2015
  • Salz
    Hmmm, Since everyone is claiming to be King Midas, and the learners aren’t exactly getting any consideration here. Well introducing our new category.
    “The Ones who can’t shout.”
    Need we any intro other than that?
    November 5, 2015
    • Victor Oladosu
      ???*lipssealed*
      November 8, 2015
  • Deehvahrzz
    King Terdoh ??…
    November 5, 2015
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