I was reading the early morning articles on different blogs and online newspapers while “labouring” in the loo. Boy, I had me a lot of chicken wings and fufu the day before. It was a neighbour’s thanksgiving party to celebrate her surviving an accident that almost cost her her life. Well, I didn’t put my ‘self-control’…
I was reading the early morning articles on different blogs and online newspapers while “labouring” in the loo. Boy, I had me a lot of chicken wings and fufu the day before. It was a neighbour’s thanksgiving party to celebrate her surviving an accident that almost cost her her life. Well, I didn’t put my ‘self-control’ cloak on, so I munched and ate and swallowed and drank. Damn!
As I was suffering and sweating in the loo, Olamide’s Ghost Mode was playing on my phone and Phyno was rapping wickedly on the track…ndi ara, ndi ara, lee lee, lekwa haa, haa cho i ri mu, and I quickly thought about the few ladies I’ve ghosted in the recent past.
Ghosting is not a new ‘evil’ practice in the dating world. It has been there for a long while. Our grand daddies did it, our parents ghosted other kids’ parents when they were sprung on the dating game, and our generation won’t be different.
The Ghost Zone is worse than the Friend Zone, albeit similar. In the Friend Zone, the ghoster simply tells the ghostee that there is no freaking interest in getting the groove together. OK? That’s it! But in the Ghost Zone Palaver, the ghoster suddenly/abruptly stops all forms of communication hoping that the ghostee will get a clue and leave the ghoster alone. Heartless. Tragic.
When you are relegated to the Friend Zone, that shit is just like having a freaking epiphany; like a brother hitting up on a dose of Quaalude for the first time. You don’t know what to expect and then… BAM! POW!! BANG!!! Your ass is dumped in the Friend Zone. But in the Ghost Zone aka Heartbreak Boulevard aka Cry Me A River Avenue… Boy, that shit hurt real bad. I mean, that shit is disrespectful and mean!
I mean, for Pete’s sakes, you are better than that – getting dumped by a spineless toad. We don’t want you to go through this horrible phase in the dating game. Naa, Naa, Naa! Our Lord and Saviour didn’t die on the cross so you will be ghosted, OK?
So in a bid to save you from having unnecessary midnight sobs (and eventually sowing seeds of faith at various temples to get your man back), here is a list of signs that indicate you’ve been ghosted for way too long (and should leave that nigga’s sorry ass ‘cos he ain’t up to no good). So read and stay blessed:
The Midnight Train to Alaba: At this stage, the proper ghosting hasn’t started yet. This is still the primordial era. He will rarely bring you around his friends and family. You only escort him to places where his home boiz and family members won’t show up. Places like the market, akara joint, indomie place, suya spot, choir practice, and such other venues. He encourages you to only visit him clandestinely during dark hours. According to him, the rate of kidnapping has increased in his area so he doesn’t want you to become the latest victim. Liar, Liar, Liar! Evil Liar! My sister, ask him when he started attending the meeting of kidnappers. Is he one of them? Has he joined them? If he doesn’t come up with any reasonable reply, just throw up the middle finger, dust your butt and leave his sorry ass sharp sharp.
Teacher Don’t Teach Me Nonsense: At this stage, the proper ghosting hasn’t also started but the ground work is being laid with deceitful gravel and cunning stones. He never addresses you as a girlfriend/lover/bae/partner. No, he never mentions that. According to him, it is a HEAVY sin in God’s eyes to address someone that is not his wife as his lover. God frowns at such acts, he says. No wahala! But that same God will not frown when he rushes over to your side, unlocking that jean button, kissing and munching on your lips, squeezing breast and ‘comoting’ pant. Okwaya? At this stage, you don’t even need your inner gut feeling to tell you it is all over. Teacher no suppose teach you nonsense jor! Just leave his room and bang the door so hard that his landlord will ask for money as a form of ‘tenancy charge’ to repair the cracked wall. And don’t forget to take your pant with you while leaving before he takes it to a shrine and holds your destiny!
All Hail King Casper: I call this The Casper Era! The stage of Initial Intermittent Ghosting (IIG)! The era of calls, then no calls for a long while, then all of sudden, you get a well composed and thoughtful message filled with an ocean of apologies. And then, the vicious cycle repeats itself again. At this stage, you are in denial and you give a thousand reasons why he hasn’t called. My sister, you don’t need Creflo Dollar to minister to you before you bail out. Run for your dear life, Sissy! Because if you don’t bail out and he succeeds in plastering your heart with potholes of heartbreak, there ain’t no coming back from that.
It Goes Down In the DM: And just like CeeLo Green said to Yo Gotti’s home boy at his wedding: “The DM is the Devil’s Sign”. And may the whole congregation shout a loud AMEN! Alright, shall we proceed? At this stage, the shameless p*ssy n*gga has grown enormous, massive and gigantic balls to post some tasty and ratchet-ass DMs on some other babe’s platform. I mean, deeez nuuutz have made him so bold and fearless to take the disrespect to a whole’noda’level. That Brother don’t got no chill no more, Sis! My sister, at this stage in the Ghosting milieu, you simply have to ditch all the prayers, fasting and soaking of chaplet inside holy water, because your man ain’t coming back to you anymore. He is gone with the wind! Now instead of suffering the humiliation of finally getting the ghost nail on your romantic coffin, you should seize the initiative and dump him first. Let him feel the pain of the shame before you do. Don’t worry Sis… You’ll be alright afterwards!
Can You Really Take D*** Or Nah: And just as our Lord said on the cross: It Is Finished! Once you see this sign, flee and run as fast as your legs can carry you. Because at this stage, the man is an angry and fierce fellow. He ain’t none to phuck with. His No-Chill threshold at this stage is at an all time high. The thirst is real at this stage. At this point, he doesn’t take any subliminal subs or shots anymore. He goes HAM like Tom Brady getting a touchdown at the Superbowl. Obviously, he hasn’t told you it is all over but it would’ve been better if he had said it than for the Ghosting to reach this stage. He flirts openly with the ladies even when he knows you will find out. And it is not even classy ladies that he flirts with. You know the type 2Chainz used in his video shoot for Lapdance In The Trap House! Yeah, right… ladies of the ratchet variety! At this stage, the pain in your chest is real. The hurt is unthinkable. But you just gotta let it go! Move on with your life. Because one bad experience doesn’t translate to a hundred more. Everything good will come!
Word to Mutha: Dear members of our congregation, we have come to the end of our sermon on the mount. And we do believe that we have left you with essential tips on how to decipher when you are being ghosted by that slimy brother. And once you discover this, just ask yourself these questions below:
If those are the answers you get after asking yourself these questions, then put on your Run DMC Adidas shoes and Kangol hats. And Flee As Fast As You Can!
So, oya raise your hand if you have ghosted a poor brother or sister, or have been a victim of ghosting yourself. If you were the ghoster, were these the tactics you used? Why didn’t you just tell the sorry soul that you were not doing again? If you were the ghostee, how far along the stages were you before you saw there was no road? Yep, let’s hear it in the comments.
Image via MTL Blog