Ladies of the world, if you treat your man right, if you cook for him, clean up for him, give him good head and sex, give him a belly rub each time he comes back from work, and don’t ask too many questions, I can guarantee you that you’ll have yourself a fruitful and faithful man that will never cheat on you…
You will also own a unicorn, three golden dragon eggs worth a billion dollars each, and lastly, dollar will finally be equivalent to one Naira. Can I get an amen, someborry?
Let’s just be clear: I did not say all men cheat. That is a topic for another day. All I am saying is that if your man is predisposed to cheating, there is nothing – I repeat – nothing that will stop him from cheating. If you like, cut off his third leg, he will surely find another way. It’s really not worth drinking Panadol over.
So, here’s a short list of the different types of cheaters to help you identify the key signs that your man might have a wandering eye. Please don’t think you can change him if the description seems to fit quite close to home o, you’ll just give yourself headache.
1. Long Throat Cheaters
These ones are the easiest to detect if you are even 50% observant. You will never catch them cheating though, but the signs and symptoms are heavily present. They can be on your parole now, toasting you right now, whispering sweet nothings into your ears, but the minute another girl walks by, they become distracted.
These are the guys that will travel across the country just to get knacks. If you know you can’t deal with always wondering where your boo is, and what is he up when he is not with you, better run. It’s not worth the suspense.
2. Hold Body Cheaters
Have you ever been on the road, and all these touts come and start begging for money using the phrase “Oga abeg find us something make we for use take hold body!”? As the word implies, hold body is a temporary something, something you can use to maintain yourself for the time being till something better comes.
In the case of the hold body cheater, it’s until your wife comes, till your girlfriend comes, or whatever floats your boat. These guys will never go out of their way to cheat, but if their significant other is unavailable – perhaps because they’re working, travelling or even quarrelling – he will take any little opportunity to cheat.
3. I No Send You Cheaters
As if cheating is not already bad, these guys are the worst of the worst. These are the scumbags of all cheaters. They have no problem admitting it; they will show you up front what they are into. Most girls that fall for these guys are the delusional ones who get caught up in their feelings and believe they can change a man. They will literally finish sleeping with you now, and jokingly say “How far that your cousin, hook us up na…. Ah, I am joking jo, see your face, you don vex already!”
Please girls don’t sleep with them, they have had too many experience so they know the code to every girl’s cookie jar. Once they have dipped into it, the girl will be hooked for a while – precious time that you would have spent becoming a better man’s wife. I’ll say it again: you can never change them. They will change, if they ever will, of their own volition.
4. Paranoid Cheaters
Think of these ones as the paranoid version of the hold body cheaters. in addition to them cheating, they are extra scared about their girlfriends cheating on them. They will always check up on you, keep tabs on you, even have their friends tail you, and woe betide you if you give them a reason to suspect you are cheating.
5. Oliver Twist Cheaters
These guys are just jokers and they always get caught. They will cheat and cheat and cheat… They are the most patient guys when it comes to hooking a girl. I have a friend, who was doing ten girls at the same time at the time, and had a main chick. I kid you not, he said it was all fun. And the main chick kept forgiving him. The issue is that these types are childlike in character. They are usually cute and fine in a babyish innocent way that fools girls into thinking they can be controlled. Big mistake.
Remember that these men will always apologise, which is a selling point for them. But one can only apologise so many times. My advice on this is to run, or enjoy the sex and move on… Shikenan.
If you liked this list, check out the video and you can even subscribe to the YouTube channel while you’re at it. Enough comedy! Of course, don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments section. What types of cheaters have you noticed? Have you ever been one? Oya confess!