7 Things That Don’t Matter When You Find Your Better Half

As younglings, we were taught that we could achieve anything we set our minds on. We were also taught about famous men and women that achieved great feats with little or nothing at the beginning. So basically, they started from the bottom and made their way to the top. Alright! At Sunday school, our tutors told us parables that had to do with believing in ourselves and having faith to achieve anything we wanted. And as we grew older, motivational speakers didn’t help matters at all. Their brainwashing packages were second to none. They would wash our heads with theories about taking our destinies in our hands. And we gladly believed them.

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Maybe for some reason, you’ve always hoped for a fairy-tale wedding. And a fairy-tale marital life. With a fairy-tale tall, dark, handsome and blah blah blah husband. And possibly, have a fairy-tale kid too. At the naming ceremony, Patoranking delivers a special performance. Other celebrities also gather at the expansive country home to rejoice with the happy family. A flamboyant pastor delivers a well rehearsed short sermon and prays for the welfare of the family and the goodwill of the new baby.

On the whole, yours is a fairy-tale dream in Wonderland. So you go to work smiling in a fairy-tale way while thinking about how lovely your future will be. You go to bed with the picture of your fairy-tale family in your mind. Heck, you even dream of making love to your fairy-tale husband in a fairy-tale way. And in the morning, you wake up with a fairy-tale smile, and proceed to drink fairy-tale coffee. Your life could be termed ‘The Blessing Boulevard’.

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Alright, Miss Fairytale, enough of the fairy-tale shit! OK? This is Basic Nigganometry right there, Aiit! Welcome to the real world, where we don’t always get what we want. I mean, c’mon, we all wish to be happy in life. But happiness is not always bestowed on us every time we wish for it. Finding one’s better half doesn’t always turn out the way we wish. You may be hoping to meet the love of your life while on a flight to the romantic capital of the world, where you guys will shackle your love destiny over the love bridge using a love-lock. But reality will hit you when you guys meet inside a molue heading to Cele bus-stop and he speaks all those lovey-dovey sweet words as conductor is giving you change.

When we find our significant other, a lot of shits shouldn’t matter anymore. Because in the end, what will be of utmost importance is how firm the love (you guys share) stands in the midst of storms, foes, witches and thorns.

So as usual from The Naked Shrine, we bring to you seven (7) things that shouldn’t matter when you find your better half, your significant other, the love of your life, your tomato jos, your irish potato, your super-hot ewedu. OK? So read and stay blessed.

Withholding fart: Yeah right! When you were still trying your luck and hoping to nail down a serious Bobo, you came across different people with varied personalities. And after chopping a meal of legumes, no one knows when the body will decide to send bombs over Baghdad through the anus. So you had no option but to withhold the fart from coming out. Yeah, don’t lie or pretend like it never happened to you. It has happened to everyone, so you are not alone. OK? But when you find your significant other, trivial things such as withholding mess shouldn’t matter anymore. They now fall under the category of un-phuck-worthy issues. So even if the mess wey hol’ you na that type wey dey start at a low tempo and gradually crescendos to a thunderous bang: Ooooooohhhhhh…MPAAAA! Kekekekekeke….GBEGUDUM! Yeah, that’s the mess right there.

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The type that will drop and you will think the Russians are upon us. Just drop the mess and continue what you are doing. Kpatakpata, the love of your life will just frown and you will claim it was ‘Romantic Mess’. Just release it my frien’ and be free from the shackles of the mess. Because when the son storm of man mess sets you free, you are free indeed! Amin!

Dumping the undies at unholy places (and other shit you do in private): Before nailing down that handsome Bobo to your romantic world, you used to be careful of where you dumped your personal goodie goodie. You don’t want anyone to carry your gist around town about how dirty and unkempt your abode is, so that your market will not spoil. But when you find your significant half, what other market are you scared of people spoiling again?

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Abeg, Aunty…just remove Under G and flip it across the room. Dump those pants and bras at any freaking place in the house. You definitely know you will pick them up in the morning and wash while taking your bath. Because original unadulterated love doesn’t care whether you remove the pant and shimi, shake your bumbum in his face as he licks his lips, and drop on the floor. Se ti gbo!

Physical appearance: Please, we are not in any way encouraging couples not to take care of their bodies and eat anyhow without self-control. This point we are about to state is not a validation of aggressive eating at parties without considering your calorie intake. Nope, Nah, Neigh! We are simply stating that physical appearance is not so phuckworthy when you meet your better half. OK? Yep…so let us move on. It is a known fact that as one gets older, the expectations in a partner start to evolve (or rather, diminish). From having risky sex on the couch while hanging the right leg on the wall, we tend to metamorphose into having normal missionary. Also, from adoring six packs and firm breasts, we become content with Beer and Odeku belle and boobie pointing southward.

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Because most times after you meet your significant other, J.Lo will transform to Whoopi Goldberg and Liam Hemsworth will do an Optimus-Prime-move and become the Togolese version of Segun Arinze. Pretty hurts indeed; therefore that shit shouldn’t matter when you find your better half.

Venting anger at will: Any small thing, you will form angry and fierce American Ninja. Small play like that, you will just vex beyond redemption, switch on your #IbileMode and start scattering table and chairs. You forget say you don comot from Mushin tey tey!

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OK, no wahala! Nothing spoil sha! But when you find your significant other, sometimes talk fit enter joke and joke fit enter insult. It is imperative to realize that this is the man you have decided to spend the rest of your life with and not some hit-and-run parole. So if you decide to start scattering tables fafunwa-style, best believe that it is the two of you that will pay the bill for damage. And I bet you don’t want your meager finance in this tough economy to go towards paying for things you could have avoided. So venting anger should be erased from your life totally when you meet your better half.

Digging for gold: We are not really talking about digging for real gold like they do in Gold Coast. Nope! Now digging for gold comes in different forms. You know when you are dressed up, looking like take-away shawarma, cat walking with your girls and then you people will storm a party. The crème-de-la-crème of the society is there. Lekki big boys and sugar daddies are also there. And you suddenly remember you don’t need to fall hand in that kain place. But all of a sudden, you feel the itch on your ass-crack. And you stylishly bend down and tap your nyansh. Then you continue talking to that guy that lives at Chevy View. You hope to get his card before the soiree is over. But then, your ass-crack is disturbed again by that ignoble itch. This time around, it is irritating you pretty bad. The itching no be for here o! Then you excuse yourself and go to one corner of the room and scratch the living daylight out of your nyansh.

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Gbam! That right there is the real digging for gold. But when you find your significant other, that shit shouldn’t bother you anymore. You don’t need to take excuse to scratch nyansh. Just do the scratching in his presence. Abi, are you hiding something? Because the good book says the two shall become one. So if you are scratching your nyansh, by extension you are also scratching his.

Sending nudes while blurring out your face: Once in a while during the hubby-hunting era, you might be feeling some type of way and decide to act naughty a lil’ bit. The tides of work might have taken your Bobo to a land far away for the time being. Then you guys decide to play a little game of ‘Dare You’. And you dare him to send you a picture of his gun, and he promptly does so. Then you accept his challenge of sending a picture of your bust. But you remember the other girl that was cyber-bullied when the nudes she sent to a random guy leaked online, so you decide to blur out your face. Last last, if the picture leaks, no one will know it was you. But when you find your significant other, such trivial issues shouldn’t bother you anymore.

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You could even send random twerk videos for his viewing pleasure, without trying to hide your identity.

Posting every single detail of your life on social media: Ezz eet their consain? Ezz eet their romance? You don’t have to prove nada to no one except yourself. When you find your better half, there is no need to go on an endless rant and vomit all the vexation you’ve been bottling up during your singu days. Nah, Nah, Nah…it ain’t necessary at all. Abi, is your name Moet?

Excuse me

Posting every single detail of your life on social media after you have found your better half is not only uncalled for; it reeks of desperation to prove a point to people. But if you are doing so in view of writing or creating a memoir sometime in the future, then by all means do what you gotta do.

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Word to Mutha: Now and then, it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. The pursuit of happiness is an endless journey; so no matter what life throws at us, we only end up being happy if we choose to. Finding your better half is one of life’s most beautiful gifts to humanity; it is a lovely feeling. So ditch all those rules made by god-knows-who and enjoy your relationship with your partner. Because it is the memory of these happy times that would give you the strength and willpower to go through the evil times that lurk ahead and come out unscathed.

Comments
  • Exclusive

    Lawd have mercy!

    June 14, 2016
    • Dee

      Oh sweetheart, but you will! Thought I was wired that way, until…. Especially if brother farts in front of you

      June 15, 2016
      • B

        Lol. I’m in my mid 20s and will soon be in my late 20s and I never even farted in front of my exes. I really don’t care if my current bf does though. But me O, Lol, I dunno. I’m looking forward to the day I will fart in front of him (that is if the day ever comes.. Lol)

        June 17, 2016
  • B

    I still won’t fart in front of him. My mind has been wired that way.

    June 14, 2016
    • Dee

      Oh sweetheart, but you will! Thought I was wired that way, until…. Especially if brother farts in front of you

      June 15, 2016
  • Ibiela

    Honey you’re not alone. It just feels wrong.

    June 14, 2016
  • Master Chifu

    Fart in front of me and I will send you to amadioha

    June 14, 2016
  • Nelo

    You all wait till you are married. Farting in the presence of your spouse especially when you both are lying down after a hard day’s job is called ‘blowing the intestine kiss’. I do it. My hubby does it. And then we tease each other about it. In this economy, there are worse things to bother one’s head jaare.

    June 15, 2016
  • Don Flowers

    Abeg no farting in front me. That is one ideal I have refused to abandon. Yes, I know you fart, just excuse yourself and go mess somewhere else but I can mess in your front occasionally. Face and mouth inclusive

    June 16, 2016
  • Mariann

    Digging for Gold indeed.. LWKMD. scratching that itch is a relief o, chai
    What about the nose digging? is that allowed as well? LOLL

    June 17, 2016
  • Olayinka

    Farting and acting all disgusted at the horrible stinky smell of the fart from my man and vice versa is one of the top ten things we bond over. The smell is always unbearable and you should see me contorting my face and screaming invective at him but it just is one of those beautiful things we do that make us know we are really close. I agree with all of the items on your list Dr Baruu. Nice job.

    June 17, 2016
  • omozele

    Hahh Gold digging! That shit happens at a time you don’t expect it! I swear it happens in places where you no wan fall your hand, but d relief you get after the intense scratching is HEAVENLY…Nice piece

    June 18, 2016
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