ANNOUNCEMENT: DEAR NIGERIAN WOMEN SPECIAL

The ladies started it a few weeks ago with the Dear Nigerian Men series. We laughed, we argued, we cried and most importantly, we communicated. It’s now time for the men to reach out to their women. Introducing the Dear Nigerian Women series. Here’s a sneak peek of what to expect:

***

I’d like to take a moment here and apologize on behalf of all men everywhere, Nigerian and otherwise, for the way we generally like to feel like the leaders of the pack, like we’re the ones who know it all, like you women should be subject to our every whim, caprice and device. We easily forget how mama was the boss at the very beginning while papa was only the featuring act. We forget how when we woo our women, she’s the boss. It is ultimately her decision whether the relationship/engagement/marriage happens or not. We forget that following our initial gra gra, women usually stick around in this dimension called life longer, calling the shots long after their male peers have checked out. Statistically, women live longer than men and I’d like to believe it’s specifically because of your greater bossness.

***

My purpose of writing this letter is not to extol your wonderful virtues, quite the contrary actually. I’m honestly trying to understand something; when you were at your wedding service (for those of you who got married in church), did the pastor pronounce you “Husband and Wife” or “Wizard and Wife?” Are you certain what you want in this life is a companion to share all your joys and sorrows with? Are you certain your desire is a being with a spirit, soul and body or are you really just looking for a spirit? Because I don’t understand how you beautiful women expect us to just magically know when you’re upset, angry, pissed off, on your period and all those random moods that you get into.

***

Sex is not something you give us. Sex is not a gift you bestow upon your faithful servant, your Queenship. Sex is not something we take from you, it’s something we share. It’s a beautiful, magical experience that we BOTH enjoy dammit. Don’t ruin the most beautiful thing God created by giving us attitude like “damn right nigga, you should be happy I gave you some”. Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers?

***

I didn’t realize how destructive your talking was until their leader said “Shebi you are buying your daughter range rover” Before shooting him for not cooperating. Your dad had warned me about the women in your family especially you about your “gift of speech”. I now realize even he had reservations about our relationship based on your ways. You are not an angry woman, you just talk too damn much. It is that mouth that has now brought death and destruction. No more contract no more Range rover, no more daddy.

***

Dear Nigerian women, put yourselves in our shoes. How would you feel if you went home with a brother after beholding a long thing through the outline on the front of his trousers? And upon removal of the boxers, you only behold a prosthetic dick attached to a cigarette stub-like eggplant. Wouldn’t you curse the gods and shrines in your villages? That is the same position you put us in when you accentuate your God-given body parts with fake products and we eventually find out rather disappointingly.

***

It’s funny. I’ve heard you tell your friends about how I changed over the years. The other day, I heard you tell Bisi that I had turned into this incredibly kind, loving, and ambitious guy. I’ve thought long and hard about it, but I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t the guy you described. I just wish you had seen it back when those shoes were all I had. It took me a long time to figure out that having money didn’t make me worthy of your love; it only made you notice that I could be.

****

Dear Nigerian Men special will run here 10am Monday – Sunday October 12 – 18, 2015. Don’t miss out.

The following two tabs change content below.
Avatar

thetoolsman

Unrepentant media addict.
Avatar

Latest posts by thetoolsman (see all)

Comments
  • Avatar

    Whoop whoop!!!!! I kent wait!!!!!!

    October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      Omotayo

      What he said.

      October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Alexie

    Why am I dreading this in a way???

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    VFFM

    We are ready!!!!

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    sagachristos

    YASSSSSSS!!!!!!! I’ve been hoping for this. Now the wait is almost over.

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    G

    We deceive you guys because you lots thrive on deceit. When you are obsessed with voluptous women what chance do we that do not fall into this category stand? Ladies pay no attention to him keep on packaging!!!

    October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      May

      And we lie to you women because you guys thrive on lies

      October 9, 2015
    • Avatar

      Err… Voluptuous women? Some of us really don’t. You’ll always find someone who loves just your exact type. And there’s usually more to you than the “package”. I think we like that better. Ladies, get your heads out of the clouds. The “package” may get us to bed but it really won’t often keep us. Thanks!

      Now we await next week’s lessons…

      October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      Reggie Bush

      Choosing the easy way out, only solves a problem but temporarily. I can tell you for free that a good number of men would choose a beautiful mind again and again over “the package”. Afterall, if the package label reads “for S.E.X only”, who am I to change the label.

      October 13, 2015
  • Avatar
    Pearl

    Oh yeah! I too can’t wait for the ” Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers” story. C’ mon guys, bring it on! Like one of you noted rightly ” we have the gift of speech. * pouts

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    mimsy

    Yippee, I followed the other episodes(read dear Nigerian men), though I didn’t comment, I enjoyed every single one of it and the comment section, smoking. I’m gonna enjoy this one, guys, bring it on. I’m female by the way

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Ibiela

    Lol… Is it a dear Nigerian men or women we’re waiting for? Funny how they complain about the fake assets ladies display, yet when I go out with my flat chest and natural everything, I hear things like “she’s too plain”. Y’all need to make up your minds.

    October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      Funk

      Generic, superficial attention for your full, stuffed chest from guys who may be disappointed and have strong negative reactions on “unstuffing” OR Attention from the cache of guys who genuinely like smaller chests/guys who want you inspite of your small chest?
      For every one that says/thinks, “Meh, plain”. Theres another who goes, “Damn, clean!”
      Anyway, whatever works…

      October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      Reggie Bush

      You have been going to all the wrong places and hanging with all the wrong people.

      October 13, 2015
  • Avatar
    Omali

    interesting can’t wait!

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Zelle

    LOOOOOOOOL
    The men are ready to cry *sigh*
    save us the speeches on how you love ride or die chicks/ girls with natural hair and no makeup yet the ones you chance are the ones with 52″ blonde peruvian hair with blue contacts and ruby woo *yimu*
    We are waiting…..

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    A3

    Why do I sense an onslaught brewing… Time to take cover.

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Storm

    “Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers?”

    Jesus wept.

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Bambam

    GBAM GHEN GHEN (Action film) this I must follow God punish devil, tools that which thou has said could never have been conjoined any better but be warned the scorn of this women is like d fury of hell Bros Shakespeare done see am Tey Tey. Na here we dey dey look sha.

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    isys

    *sighs* and people wonder why I love TNC…
    I am a chic but toolsman you have spoken nothing but the truth.

    I do hope women are reading as attentively as they did with Dear Nigerian Men.
    We need to hit hard reset, men aren’t gold mines with no feelings and a pole between their legs, they’re humans as well…

    I shall say no more…

    October 9, 2015
    • Avatar
      Funk

      ..for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you Isys.

      October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Funk

    Yoo! Don’t fuck this up guys! You’re representing the whole of brohood with these essays. We don’t get to share inner thoughts or stories of hurt as much. Don’t let us down! Fire!

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Zara

    I look forward to learning a lot from next week’s series.up TNC!

    October 9, 2015
  • Avatar
    Toni Osai

    “Don’t judge a bunch of plantains based on one rotten fruit.” Efik proverb

    When you think all guys are evil (insert other negative adjectives at your discretion), guess what happens? Only evil (insert other negative adjectives at your discretion) guys keep coming your way. And even when an unevil guy comes your way? You have beheld so much evil (insert other negative adjectives at your discretion) that you either believe he is too good to be true hence is up to some game/trick, or “he can’t be single,” or worse, that you are not his spec (because God made all men like boobs and ass, thighs and hips, yet same God gave you none; thanks God!). Then you proceed to sabotage your own dream come true with either “testing” him with the craziest of attitudes, the most scathing condemnation, and general mistrust and disbelief.
    *sigh* if only we could all just get along

    October 10, 2015
    • Avatar
      Eponymous

      Sai Toni.

      October 10, 2015
  • Avatar
    yettie

    I am a woman and I dare say I agree with the sex part…..why do women use it as bargaining power….that sh*t is annoying as hell….
    I be like….don’t you enjoy it too? is it some chore or duty…..mscheeew….and women especially married women say it with all sense of pride oh….e.g he was begging me for it…I made sure I punished him….Wtf is that?

    October 10, 2015
    • Avatar
      D.K

      As in! Everything you said. .. I agree with you. I don’t understand why some women are like that.

      October 10, 2015
  • Avatar
    chaka khan

    I cunt wait for this!

    October 10, 2015
  • Avatar
    Nelo

    I think it’s wrong to deny one’s hubby sex no matter what. If you are not in the mood, then act the sacrificial lamb. Yeah. Love without sacrifice is baseless. And Guys, seriously you expect her to say ‘am in my period’ or ‘am having a mood swing’. Ask. Ask. Ask. It shows you care.

    October 10, 2015
    • Avatar
      D.K

      Actually, no. You don’t have to act the sacrificial lamb. Yes, I agree sex is for the two of you, it is not a chore and no one should deprive the other of it. However, it should be enjoyed, not endured. See ehn, there are some days you are very very very tired and you know your body cannot handle anything. I think bae should give just a few hours for your body to rest. What’s the point when you are just gonna be a log of wood?

      October 10, 2015
    • Avatar
      Olayinka

      Pls kindly explain the ‘sacrificial lamb’ part?

      October 11, 2015
  • Avatar

    Lol.

    October 11, 2015
  • Avatar
    Frankices

    I do NOT believe I missed the ‘Dear Nigerian Men’ series. (╥﹏╥) Oh WHY have I been ignoring my email messages?? *bites fingers*

    October 12, 2015
  • Avatar
    OBI

    Cant wait for “you can be replaced with a finger ” Really???? And we wont say stuff like “I gave him some Cookie” if he doesn’t say stuff like “I don chop that Babe”or “I nyashed that gurl” and all the Slut shaming that comes with a girl having sex, like “dude its just sex, move on!”

    October 12, 2015
  • Avatar
    Delvin

    I truly enjoy both the write-ups and the funny comments, they are all awesome. But talking about “Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers?” can actually be your death you know. Alots are happening around with those that said “Do you know that you can be replaced by fingers?”. Anyways, its all good. Waiting ….

    October 14, 2015
  • Avatar

    Thoroughly enjoyed the articles!

    October 18, 2015
Post a Comment