Ass-ignment

Opinion

To understand ass is to understand spirituality. How else would you explain why one part of the body will cause an innocent man to defy the laws of physics and biology and turn his neck 180 degrees?. If you think I’m joking, just go to the market place or live in a neighborhood with yoruba people (pepper is not their only trademark) and you will see miracles (TB Joshua is an apprentice).

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With gratitude to God for giving me the uncommon wisdom of blocking my parents, nosy aunties and religious siblings on whatsapp.

As far as they are concerned, I’ll always be their last born or baby brother that is pure and untainted and God forbid I know anything like ass, condoms and the unholiest of them all “sex”.

God will continue to bless their naivety (Ameen).

So if you’re reading this, I don’t consider you holy and we will burn in hell together ( just kidding).

Brethren, I, like any other curious, God-fearing, law-abiding, attention-seeking and well meaning Nigerian have always wondered why ass or crudely known as nyash is underrated. (Idle Mind na Devil workshop true true).

“The understanding of ass(ets) and it’s movements and proper gyrations which translates to it’s power is the beginning of wisdom for any girl” – Herbert Macaulay, 2017.

We will all agree that this is true because he left his grave to inform everyone that cares to listen about this before going back. God bless his blessed soul.

It is safe to say, ladies and gentlemen that these remarkable attachments have gone a long way in defining or redefining our growth and achievements as people of this great nation.

To understand ass is to understand spirituality. How else would you explain why one part of the body will cause an innocent man to defy the laws of physics and biology and turn his neck 180 degrees?. If you think I’m joking, just go to the market place or live in a neighborhood with yoruba people (pepper is not their only trademark) and you will see miracles (TB Joshua is an apprentice).

That was how one young man, caught under the anointing of ass attempted this and his neck remained there permanently. He didn’t even realize this until his forward movements seemed backwards and vice versa. Basically he was moon-walking forwards. How we solved that problem is a story for another day.

To understand ass is to understand divine wisdom. You think all these young boys and married men (oops) especially the ones not doing well in school have poor memories?? Think again. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing greatness in the form of men describing a woman’s behind that he saw 7 years ago to other men, you will understand that Scofield is a learner and that the devil is a liar.

If you’re a girl and you’re reading this, calm down before you accept the devil in your life and say hurtful things like “men are pigs” or “men are scum”. While they are hurtful, they are as useless as condoms to an impotent man. My point is, it won’t change anything.

Men will look, analyze, carry out lab tests even. Sue them!!. God will bless you with enough money and female lawyers to facilitate your cause (Ameen).

To understand ass is to understand pure suffering. I know what you’re thinking, how can something be so beautiful and yet so dangerous?. You’ve obviously never heard of money before. That was how this single astounding booty (pun intended) succeeded in wiping out half the men in my street and leaving the other half to tell the tale. How?,  Let me explain.

My street used to be like any mechanical engineering department in the world, it lacked ass. And as expected, we were living happily but we’ve always known something was missing, mi(ass)ing if you will. Keep in mind that this incident happened before I was born, so praise the Lord. Maybe I won’t be here telling this tale today.

Angels don’t drive neither do they enter public transport. They do what they do best. They appear and that was how this lady showed up. News of this booty spread like butter on bread ( somebody that knows my parents might read this and truncate my hustle, so yes, it’s bread and butter I’ve always wanted to say, not anything else. I love you mummy!!) and before you could say “assignment”, half the men were already on their way to the scene. The other half heard but they were not able to outsmart their wives as they promptly locked all the doors and they dutifully swallowed the keys (God bless those women).

Boys will be boys, but in this case, men will be zombies because nobody had the courage to interrupt the ass by asking questions like “who are you?” And “what are you doing here?”.The sensible ones were at home with their wives, loathing her asslessness. When you hear cases of women “locking” their husbands down or up as the case may be. This is what they meant.

Anyway, they just followed her until…. well, I don’t know what later happened, as I have pointed out earlier, I wasn’t born yet. The narrator (the only man with balls) told his wife that this was his house and she was going to abide by his rules and God dammit he was going to leave his house and do what real men were doing. Long story short, he later peeped through the window with his first son on the lookout for the real owner of the house. Sometimes men have to relinquish control for the society to prosper (life is mysterious like that).

Nobody saw or heard from them after that assident, sorry accident. The remaining people left the street for fear that the ass might return. I know a lot of people will not believe this story. They will let the devil use them and say fallacious things like “this story didn’t happen” but let me ask you, have you ever heard of a street called hskvdgu before? ( the “v” is silent). I didn’t think so.

Enough said. If I tell you everything now, what will I tell my coworkers when I’m trying to sound wise and insightful. Imagine how I’ll feel when they come to me for wisdom and I happily narrate this story and they go “we’ve already heard this somewhere, tell us something else”. Then I’ll hesitate and one of them with eyes that words cannot describe will say something like “he doesn’t even know anything sef”. Blood will spill that day. Most likely mine but blood is still blood.

I believe with all these points, I’ve been able to convince you that the importance of booty is key to the development of any society and its power, if properly harnessed, will create world peace, solve world hunger and eradicate our energy problems once and for all. In order words, any part of the body is important, but ass is importanter.

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