Awkward Mum Conversations

Opinion

Talking about sex in a Nigerian home has got to be one of the hardest things for our parents. Things have probably changed for the present generation but I believe the 90s kids can agree with me on this. I remember one advert then on tv where a man boarded a bus and a pack…

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Talking about sex in a Nigerian home has got to be one of the hardest things for our parents. Things have probably changed for the present generation but I believe the 90s kids can agree with me on this.

I remember one advert then on tv where a man boarded a bus and a pack of condoms fell from his pocket. A woman in the bus picked it up and shouted ‘who get this raincoat?’. I couldn’t understand how a raincoat could be so small so out of curiosity I turned to my mother for clarity. She sure looked uncomfortable and mumbled something about only adults understanding it. I didn’t ask any further questions but I kept wondering especially after I saw a similar packet of ‘raincoat’ in my parent’s room later on. There was this other time we were watching a Nollywood movie and it happened that Genevieve was impregnated after her first ever sexual encounter. They went to a doctor and he started advising the man who got her pregnant to continue having sexual intercourse with her so as to open her up for easy delivery at the appointed time(Nigerian movies though). I was totally confused. Trusting that my mother understood I turned to her once again for further explanation but instead I got a round and round  the bush story that left me more confused. Kissing scenes in movies were painful to watch up till my teenage years and sex scenes are still very uncomfortable. I always want to disappear if I’m watching those with my parents.

This therefore makes it super uncomfortable for me when its my mum who now wants to start acting liberal on sex matters. One day we were talking about a family friend whose husband slept with her neice. I hated the story because I felt the man was just a bastard who deserved no forgiveness. Out of nowhere my mum says ‘hmmm, I advised her to forgive and stay with her husband afterall he’s sorry and has been begging. This same thing happened to me back then’. Ghen ghen I was instantly on the alert. I do not even know which shocked me more, the’ stay with your husband’ advice or the ‘this same thing happened to me’. I tried to recall all the relatives that ever stayed with us while growing up. Who could the victim have been? I was distraught. Some things should never be said, at least not to me your daughter. I’m yet to get over it, I think I’m scarred. Another day she starts again ‘ehen, whenever I meet with your father I notice that…’ Meet with my father? Mum please! I never want to hear those things. Have you forgotten, we are a pious and chaste family. What is sex biko? It’s an abomination to us, something we should never talk about talk less of getting involved in. I don’t even need such imaginations in my head, my parents! At their age! At least when she says those things its usually just the two of us.

I was unfortunate to witness my neighbour fight with her husband in the presence of her children about a month ago. She bad-mouthed a lady the man was apparently close to but the husband would have none of it and went ahead to call her a jealous woman. She resigned her fate and said out loud ‘oga do whatever you want with your thing afterall I didnt pay for your circumcision’. I almost laughed out loud. Another incident occurred when I  visited my cousins. On that fateful day their dad returned from a 3day trip. Next thing my aunty says is ‘anywhere you say you’re coming from I have to believe you afterall there’s no penisometer for me to check’. Ha! I pulled a Houdini, couldn’t deal.

Does anybody have any awkward mom conversation to share? Would love to read them.

Responses

  1. Her devoted lover
    Hmmn, penisometer, where are the venture capitalists? later they would say there are no ideas in Nigeria. I’m pretty sure there would be a large market in Nigeria for such products. The other day, a Jss 2 kid in Uncle Sam developed a vending machine for medic kits and somehow somehow some VCs got a hold of it and offered him a $30 million buyout. Biko nu, i need contributions on how to go how designing it. Does it factor in the rate of sperm disposal?
    5+
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      Lol…some machine that would be. We can actually determine what features it would have like how many thrusts/day, quantity of semen expelled…
      0
  2. Alexie
    My mum told me last month that the way to keep my future husband was with good food and really good sex…. I had to remove my phone from my ear and stare at the caller ID to be sure it was my mum that called me
    11+
  3. Her devoted lover
    Onto the main business, my mom doesn’t give a rat’s ass about awkwardness. It goes like this ‘Use condom o, even if she tells you she cannot eat a banana with it’s peel that she likes her banana unwrapped and raw’. she’s been drumming that into my ears since i grew my first strand of underarm hair. on a lesser note, whenever she’s cooking and i skip the kitchen lessons ( 4 boys, no girl, and I’m the first boy) she keeps chanting ‘ kon se oko abi obo ni won man fi se, owo ni won ma fin se’ meaning ‘cooking is not done with the penis or the vagina, it’s done with the hands’. I think such exposure made me the cautious and liberal person that i am.
    12+
  4. Yvonne
    So, I’ve got the ‘don’t let a boy touch you phase’; it messed up my head seriously. Now, my mum’s hinting that grand babies would be awesome now…the catch, I don’t have a husband. I just tire. I’m a 32yr old female with serious repressed sexuality and the woman needs grandchildren…
    From where? When I don’t like boys touching me?????
    16+
  5. Blaqlotus
    I had broken up with my boyfriend whom everyone knew in the family. I was in my 300L. When he came home to speak to my mum to talk to me, asking me why i wanted to end it. One of the things she asked was, “abi he doesn’t sex you well?”. I wanted rapture to take place at that moment. I just grumbled inaudible words and left her alone.
    11+
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      Ah! What kind of question is that? I’ll be too mortified to even grumble inaudible words. Would probably just have a seizure and pray for death. hahaha. Thanks for sharing
      2+
  6. Caleb
    Am a guy if there is any one i tell abt my crush is my mum, u know y ? it makes me to be on check never to disapoint her and she say to me to me”nsogbu m abughi gi ituba nwaanyi ime makana achorom nwa nwa kama obu ibute oria”my problem is nt u inpregnating a girl a girl cos i need a grand child but is being infected with STD.With dat i date girls but no sex cos my mum trusts me and i dnt want to disapoint her
    8+
  7. Exclusive
    “We’re a pious and chaste family. What is sex biko?” Lol! I guess Baba God just gave you a spin and you happened to land on planet Earth.

    My mum is actually quite comfortable having those talks. I am the one who gets itchy and won’t allow it. So, before she even starts, I’m like, “Ehn, mo mo.” (I know). My sister though? They have real discussions about it, very comfortable ones where she contributes and ask questions sef. I don’t know how the babe does it.

    5+
    1. Aden
      Conversation about sex with my mum is always funny, she just want to talk about it but i am not comfortable with it, and Ray she is fond of saying “having fun” too. My father is a clown, man once asked him to borrow him condom in the middle of the night. My avoided for 2 days after that.
      0
    2. ThaLordSleeK
      Nope. Grew up hearing my parents calling it that, even though it took forever to understand the lingo. Think it is a Yoruba thing. Keyword: think.
      1+
  8. Ron
    Lol…enjoyed reading this, but found the comments even more interesting as it appears a good number of the responses are from people whose mothers are open to the idea of discussing sex but they themselves are awkward or reluctant to encourage it. Could this have something to do with the nature of upbringing? Parents who were strict with their children at childhood relaxing the reins to begin building a bond later on in adulthood? Perhaps there’s some sort of research angle for Nigerian psychologists there.
    2+
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      The comments are really interesting. And yes, the reluctance to encourage such conversation has everything to do with the upbringing. Our parents can’t wake up someday and expect their kids to be automatically receptive to sex talk after all the years of avoiding the topic
      1+
  9. Olubukola
    Mum never discussed sex, not even how to use a pad or what a period is. By the way, she was a nurse; so I still wonder. I guess it’s a territory she is very uncomfortable in, so we still don’t discuss it till date (I’ve got 3 grown kids).
    3+
  10. viv
    I loved this. My mum doesnt really talk about sex,never did. On my 18th birthday she saw me kissing a guy she was so angry she didnt talk to me for days, and I was like seriously?
    1+
  11. TK
    Hehe, my mom doesn’t even have the energy. She once saw “certain pictures” on my laptop of “poorly covered up women”. Most I got for sex talk was that “this leads to aids which leads to pregnancy which leads to death” Sho, I tire on that day. Never gotten any sex talk from any parent.
    I taught myself with heavy doses of Google, Wikipedia, and practicalssss
    2+
  12. Raymond
    Lol. Funny post.

    I never had frank discussions with my parents about sex though.. I dunno if my dad’s treatise on “the evils of dating sugar mummies” just before I left home for service counts?? Oh well…

    2+
  13. Marshall Tito
    Mom, ha no way. I don’t think she would even want to talk sex with me and she sure knows I will just walk out.. HIAN!! Only thing she has ever done was give me an advice ” ABSTIENCE IS THE BEST”… not forgetting the ‘WITCHCRAFT ‘ talk. No thanks to constant watching of Mount Zion movies.. she scares me; saying witches are everywhere be careful
    1+
  14. Evra
    My mum and I leave many things unsaid while guessing what is in the other’s mind.
    Once, I went to pick my GF from school (part time studies) on a weekend so we could attend a wedding. On the way; she changed in the car.
    The next day being sunday; my mum borrowed my car to attend her women meeting.
    On monday; on our way to the work, she adjusted her seat and found a Tube. OMG!! my gf forgot it. I have entered trouble. Before she came down, she asked “what is this”? I replied “I don’t know, you drove the car last night not me”. She looked at me for a while and I maintained eye contact. We could guess what each other was thinking. She wanted to probe further but she wasn’t sure how to go about it.
    3+
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      Me, I like the guessing part oh. Keep your thoughts to yourself and I’ll keep mine because some things are better left unsaid. Thanks for sharing
      0
  15. Banky Dunsin
    Man,,my mum`s a deacon and talking about sex is really incredibly uncomfortable,,the only time we got close was when i was about to start my university days and my mum called me and was like `My son,hope you know by now,you can get a girl pregnant??` ,i looked at her with disbelief ,,like really ,,no i don`t know,,Thanks for telling me ma,,and left the room in the most awkward way ever,,Its still a touchy subject ever since
    7+
  16. Biola
    Wow! It’s fun being here… my mum never mentioned sex while I was growing under her watch, not even when I started menstruating. The first time she mentioned it, I was already pregnant and ill, so she jokingly said “pls stop complaining o, is it not you that accepted somebody’s fluid inside you” it was like a bomb, didn’t sound interesting..not at this point. I just dismissed it like I heard nothing… she’s an old woman though
    1+
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      Lol. I think my mum once said something about being able to get pregnant when I started menstruating. Or maybe I heard it from school, not so sure now. I just hope we get to be better mums than they were in the aspect of educating our kids on sex.
      0
  17. Ibiela
    Oh wow! I have very comfortable conversations about sex with my mom. She actually bought me condoms once, though only because I left them in the trolley and wasn’t there when she was paying for the stuff. Then she handed them to me in a separate bag saying, “here are your condoms”.
    She started with proper sex education with the actual words when my sister and I were 12 and 9 respectively. It’s made life really easy for us all. I’d definitely do the same with my kids, if I ever have any.
    4+
  18. Nelo
    Can’t remember any sex talk with my mum. Can vividly remember my Dad telling me to pay attention to Biology classes while in school. Am a mother today and have told my 6 yr old daughter her private part is called Vagina .This morning she asked how she came to be and I said ‘ God opened his store of angels and brought you out. Sent you to my tummy ‘
    The teaching is stage by stage biko.
    4+
  19. Abi
    Lol. So true tho. There are things my mom tries to talk about and I just say “mom, I don’t wanna talk about it ” I don’t want to know , you don’t have to know. Let’s all pretend I am still so naive ???????????????? . The funny and most interesting thing is in her mind, her daughter maybe knows nothing about sex. Abeg, let’s leave it that way ????????????
    0
  20. Rollsroyce
    Mumsi once told me when I was about 16 that men love women that have BB..Boobs and Brains. I couldn’t believe that was coming from my mum lol.
    0
  21. Od
    Got a question for anyone whose parents were so upfront about sex: did you get involved in pre-marital sex after all? Same question for those whose parents were not.

    I don’t remember my parents educating me about sex. But I tended to be willing to talk about anything even if it made them uncomfortable. I think they got used to it.

    0
    1. JoyGirl Post author
      Hey Od, I don’t think sex education is supposed to dissuade you from having premarital sex. Except your definition of sex education is preaching abstinence, yes?
      0
        1. JoyGirl Post author
          I never got the talk, never been able to talk to my mum about sex but if I was able to then I guess I would have felt liberal enough to tell her all the times my ‘uncle’ tried to put his fingers in my vagina(will leave it at this one example). Luckily though, I had my sister to talk to eventually (two blind mice)
          1+
          1. Od
            I see your point. Makes complete sense to me. Sex ed addresses sexual abuse then. Pre-marital sex and extra-marital sex are all kinds of sexual abuse too, that is the misuse of one’s own body or other people’s bodies for sexual purposes. So, sex ed is successful when it ends up teaching children the proper use of sex.
            0
  22. omotawler
    Never got any sex talk. And some months ago, I told my mum I needed to see a gynaecologist about my missed periods,and she was asking if I was using any birth control pills. But my dad, talks about sex freely, even tells me to always protect myself. ????
    0
  23. Vanilla
    My mom tried with us but it was always so funny seeing her try to be cool talking abt sex. She encouraged us to tell her anything & i believed her until the day i told her i kissed a guy and i saw her have a mini stroke, recover quickly then told me the bible view which clearly said it should be between man & wife.

    Now, I try to censor cos I cannot come and go and kill her o. She is like a friend so she gets to hear all boyfriend gists and will even give u tips on dating and all that. She tries! I sit and watch her and my married sisters talk freely now, its like “welcome to the fold now that you know what the penis does!” I listen and learn!

    My dad on the other hand is very blunt with my brother from the on set and they talk freely till date. I think my parents shared this responsibility, mom handles the girls and he the boy.

    2+
  24. DJ
    All my mom said about sex is that no gf unless I want to get married.
    And I have kept to it.
    But it can be sad at times though.
    Although recently I told my mom she should buy a pack of condoms for me to see what she would do.
    She nearly exploded.
    0
  25. B
    Lol. I loved this post. What is a sex talk though? Never had any with my mum till date. But the first time my period came, she said “Don’t allow boys touch you O, if not you’ll get pregnant”. Please what kind of touch, the woman didn’t say. Sigh. I hope to be open with my children and vice versa.
    1+
  26. Ms N
    Hmmmmmmmm, me & my mum , we never stop the sex talk. So when she realised I was standing on the ground of abstinence; she said *o wa ma ovbiemwen sokpan avbe ikpian na ghi mile na ghi kwe mudia* meaning * Oh, my child you have made a good decision except most men of your generation don’t wait.
    1+

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