Talking about sex in a Nigerian home has got to be one of the hardest things for our parents. Things have probably changed for the present generation but I believe the 90s kids can agree with me on this.
I remember one advert then on tv where a man boarded a bus and a pack of condoms fell from his pocket. A woman in the bus picked it up and shouted ‘who get this raincoat?’. I couldn’t understand how a raincoat could be so small so out of curiosity I turned to my mother for clarity. She sure looked uncomfortable and mumbled something about only adults understanding it. I didn’t ask any further questions but I kept wondering especially after I saw a similar packet of ‘raincoat’ in my parent’s room later on. There was this other time we were watching a Nollywood movie and it happened that Genevieve was impregnated after her first ever sexual encounter. They went to a doctor and he started advising the man who got her pregnant to continue having sexual intercourse with her so as to open her up for easy delivery at the appointed time(Nigerian movies though). I was totally confused. Trusting that my mother understood I turned to her once again for further explanation but instead I got a round and round the bush story that left me more confused. Kissing scenes in movies were painful to watch up till my teenage years and sex scenes are still very uncomfortable. I always want to disappear if I’m watching those with my parents.
This therefore makes it super uncomfortable for me when its my mum who now wants to start acting liberal on sex matters. One day we were talking about a family friend whose husband slept with her neice. I hated the story because I felt the man was just a bastard who deserved no forgiveness. Out of nowhere my mum says ‘hmmm, I advised her to forgive and stay with her husband afterall he’s sorry and has been begging. This same thing happened to me back then’. Ghen ghen I was instantly on the alert. I do not even know which shocked me more, the’ stay with your husband’ advice or the ‘this same thing happened to me’. I tried to recall all the relatives that ever stayed with us while growing up. Who could the victim have been? I was distraught. Some things should never be said, at least not to me your daughter. I’m yet to get over it, I think I’m scarred. Another day she starts again ‘ehen, whenever I meet with your father I notice that…’ Meet with my father? Mum please! I never want to hear those things. Have you forgotten, we are a pious and chaste family. What is sex biko? It’s an abomination to us, something we should never talk about talk less of getting involved in. I don’t even need such imaginations in my head, my parents! At their age! At least when she says those things its usually just the two of us.
I was unfortunate to witness my neighbour fight with her husband in the presence of her children about a month ago. She bad-mouthed a lady the man was apparently close to but the husband would have none of it and went ahead to call her a jealous woman. She resigned her fate and said out loud ‘oga do whatever you want with your thing afterall I didnt pay for your circumcision’. I almost laughed out loud. Another incident occurred when I visited my cousins. On that fateful day their dad returned from a 3day trip. Next thing my aunty says is ‘anywhere you say you’re coming from I have to believe you afterall there’s no penisometer for me to check’. Ha! I pulled a Houdini, couldn’t deal.
Does anybody have any awkward mom conversation to share? Would love to read them.