Bad B*tches of the Bible (Part 1)

Opinion

The Christian Bible which is one of the most printed and highest selling books of all times. It contains account of events pre-Christ and post-Christ, these accounts vary from terrifying and amazing to downright confusing. As I grew older and began to form my own perspective outside what was said on the pulpit, I realised rather…

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The Christian Bible which is one of the most printed and highest selling books of all times. It contains account of events pre-Christ and post-Christ, these accounts vary from terrifying and amazing to downright confusing.

As I grew older and began to form my own perspective outside what was said on the pulpit, I realised rather early in life that women weren’t treated particularly fairly back then (not like we are now, after all the paedophiles, misogynists and thieves in the Nigerian senate refused to pass the pill for gender equality in the country).

In ancient times, the ‘biblical’ society was highly patriarchal and oppressive to women but there are those who rose beyond the obstacles of being a woman and made remarkable contributions to history. There is no doubt that feminism didn’t stand a chance in the days of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob but some women were so bad-ass and set themselves apart even in their male-dominated societies.

Hi my name is S, and given that, much credit isn’t given to women in the Bible, except for maybe only Mary the Mother of Jesus, I’m here to exalt the names of some of the overlooked bad bitches in biblical history.

Eve: This compilation is nothing without acknowledging the mother of the human race. Eve is many times seen as unequal to man just because she was said to have been made out of him but this is so untrue. She was in fact made because the Creator knew for sure that MAN NEEDED HER! I think I’ve made my point with this. So why is she a bad bitch? She was the first rebel in biblical history! She questioned the status quo, she was thirsty for new understanding and when she had the chance to try something and she took that risk. Granted, it came with repercussions but what’s life without risks.

Deborah: According to the biblical account, Deborah was the only female judge recorded in Biblical history. If that’s not a big deal I don’t know what that is. Considering the stubborn nature of the Israelites, I can’t imagine the hell she went through just to keep them in check. Dealing with the men must have been so difficult because you know how men feel about succumbing to female authority, it sure must have been difficult but she stuck with it. For her to have been appointed above other men, God must have had it with the sh*t of Israelite men and knew that only a woman could get it done.

Esther/Hadassah: At this time, the Jews of the nation of Israel settled in the Persian Empire under the rule of King Xerxes. Sick of his wife, he got divorce and held a ‘beauty pageant’ with the aim of finding a new wife. For him to have looked upon the face of Esther and said “yeah I want this one”, she must have been one hell of a beauty. Not only was she beautiful and smart, but the sex must also have been phenomenal. Why do I say so? Her uncle/cousin/guardian Mordecai revealed to her the plan of one of the king’s top officials named Haman to erase all the Jews and out of love for her people she devised a plan to save them. First, she defied Persian law by presenting herself to the king without being summoned, then she confessed her nationality to the king (who took the news very well I must say) and reveals Haman’s plan to obliterate her people. Xerxes comes to her aid, hangs Haman and the Jews are saved. Till today the Jews still celebrate this event known as the festival of Purim.

Bathsheba: Passages depict her as a woman who just happened to have caught the eye of one of the greatest kings of Israel, David but I think not. I believe she was a low-key bad bitch who knew EXACTLY what she wanted. I don’t think it was by mere coincidence that she was bathing on the rooftop close to King David’s palace, no no no no; I believe it was a grand plan to become queen. So there she is having a nice bath, knowing that there is a chance David spots her and he does. He calls for her and ‘lays’ with her. The kitty must have been so bomb that he wanted to put a ring on it and killed her husband just to make it happen. After cementing her position as David’s wife, she made him promise that her son Solomon will be his successor and he agreed to this. King Solomon till today is regarded as a GREAT man, besides his 300 wives and 700 hoes, he was said to be the wisest and wealthiest of all men. GO BATHSHEBA!

To be continued………

Responses

  1. Andronicus
    B****es ke? E jo o! Lol…

    From personal experience Israeli women are very beautiful.
    No wonder some Angels couldn’t take it and came down to earth creating giants.

    1. MIA
      There was no Israeli women when the angels came down just women…….. Which bible have you been reading? Here is a cool bottle of water to clear your head.
  2. Exclusive
    S. Lol.

    Well, she did say to be continued, Prime. I’m guessing the lady Jezebel herself will be making an appearance.

  3. Nguyi
    Well I cringed when I saw this title but after reading..its all fun
    Got me at Bathsheba part tho……talk about strategic bathing …reminds me of our fine ladies jogging on the Lekki- Ikoyi link bridge
    we are waiting for part 2 ooo!!
  4. Ms Cheexy
    Delillah ( showed Samson shege), Jezebel, Mary or Martha (the one who was chilling and obtaining wisdom when her sister was busy cooking), the one who wiped Jesus’ hair with her feet (her hair must have been premium grade human hair in this time plus she was a rich babe).The list continues…
  5. Od
    Weird thing about Bathsheba’s day: men in her time were so “manly” that they wouldn’t go to war unless a woman came along to hold their hand. Can’t imagine what that must have been like for her. #shrugs
    1. Olayinka
      See ehn, sex is one of the most exceptionally wise tools in this world. All these powerful men falling at the feet of women, you think its just words of mouth and beauty? Oga good punani na potent tool and considering that the passage tells us that each night, one maiden went in to the king,biko what did you suppose they were doing all night long? Sharing the word of God and praying? I think not.
  6. Dr WOLFF
    Well, sis, Eve nor suppose dey dia!!! Na the risk she take cause all the cata cata for world!!! She fuck up eh? U reason am how world for be if nor chop come set her husband up?
    Well for Bathshebaa and Esther, those chiqs knew thier *ahem*
    My favourite tho is Ruth. That chiq was highly tactical.
  7. Phoenix
    Shout out to Jael who hammered tent peg into some army commander’s head and win the war for Israel.

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