Bedroom Etiquette For Young But Sexually Experienced African Women

Opinion

I was a weird child. I had a lot of friends and I never knew why they wanted to be friends with me. I used to hide under tables to read books and hide from my neighbours that always came to play with my siblings and I. I also wished I was someone else or…

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I was a weird child. I had a lot of friends and I never knew why they wanted to be friends with me. I used to hide under tables to read books and hide from my neighbours that always came to play with my siblings and I. I also wished I was someone else or somewhere else and I found my best friendship in books and food.

I also prayed for the weirdest things; I can vividly remember sitting behind a particular family in church and praying fervently that God should make me one of their children. It was not that I did not like my family, I just liked theirs better. I stared at them every Sunday; I stared so so longingly that on a rainy Sunday, they had to report me to my mother who proceeded to give me very dirty slaps in the church. This just made me more coded in my staring at them.

As I grew, I began to pray for breasts. I begged God every day and night not to leave me flat chested. I begged that He have mercy on me; I described myself to Him [as if He could not see me] and I let Him understand that there was nothing nice about being a fat girl with no boobs. God answered me. when I was fourteen, I woke up with racks of life.

I remember the first time I had an orgasm; I was thirteen and my parents had left me alone at home. I had read all the books and there was no light, now what was a bored thirteen year old girl to do? I remembered that my elder brother had magazines hidden under his bed and I visited his archive of pornographic magazines and got a copy of Moving Tales.

It is important to point out that this wasn’t my first foray into his archives but I never knew what to do about the flood of feelings that started at my nipples and tugged somewhere between my legs. That day, however, I decided to take a mirror and see what my vagina looked like. I put the big mirror in between my legs and held it in place with my spread thighs and I watched my nipples harden as I visualized the words I read. I touched them and pulled a bit. It felt really good. Then I decided to rub against my vagina and I discovered my clitoris; my very happy clitoris, I concentrated on her and I came. Suffice it to say I was responsible for my orgasm from that day, through out my teenage years and periodically thereafter.

Now I am an adult. A twenty seven year old woman and I face a little dilemma.

I taught myself how to love my self. I spent over a year of my life getting to know my self, loving who I found that I was and trying my best to honour her everyday. This also taught me to love people for who they are and not for who I would like them to be.

In pursuit of my self love, I have read and practiced pleasing [sexually and otherwise] myself and the extremely fortunate man I am with at every given point in time. However, I have been told that being freakishly good at somethings; [ e.g. deep-throating and simultaneously massaging the prostrate of my boyfriend or being able to keigel anything], while this might give him mind numbing orgasms [or multiple orgasms to the blessed men], makes me appear a lil too sexually adventurous and a little slutty and apparently, this is a bad thing.

I would like to know what is considered sexually appropriate. Is it alright for me to show him what I like, maybe not verbally but with the movements of my body?

Is it alright for me to direct his head and tongue during cunnilingus?

Is it ok for me give him head like I enjoy it or do I have to pretend to have never handled a penis before?

Should I think twice before I tickle his perineum with the tip of my tongue or I should I pretend like I do not know that the pleasure will make him pant like a bitch in heat?

Should I grab his balls or should I leave them hanging there, limply and untouched, like overly wrinkled velvet?

Should I whisper what I want to him or should I just lie there and take what I am offered?

Should I dare massage his prostate, when I know that the pleasure will be very intense or should I pretend like I do not know how or where it is located?

Basically, all I am asking is : Should I honour who I have come to know and love as myself or should I honour what I have been taught that I have to be?

I am at that point in my life where I am ready to and I believe that I can handle the responsibilities of a committed partnership with one man. I have spoken to a few of my married friends [ladies] and  most of them have very bland sex lives and some have not even had an orgasm this year.

The thought of being sentenced to a life of mediocre sex or worse, being perpetually responsible for my orgasm, is dire.

I cannot be alone in this; there must be someone that knows better. HELP!!!!

Responses

  1. Jazz
    You just have to be yourself with the very attainable hope that there are men like you in Nigeria who would appreciate sexual experience non judgementally.
    10+
  2. Lipglossmaffia
    Oh my goodness!
    First of all, bravo for this post!!!
    After i had my first orgasm(thanks to Ann Summers), i didn’t look back. I was more aware of what i wanted and how i wanted it. I have been blessed though, to find people were willing to listen to me. So, i will give you this piece of advice: if you can put their dick in your mouth, you can tell them exactly how you want them to lick you or stroke or pet. You deserve great, mind boggling orgasms from someone who is actually wants to satisfy you. You do. So, you have to speak out and if your partner makes you feel like a whore for voicing out then, it’s not meant to be. Don’t continue. Seriously, run away.
    19+
  3. Elf
    Do whatever you like joor, so long as it makes you happy and doesn’t hurt the next person(real hurt, not religious,political or other self-inflicted- belief hurt….life’s too short.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    0
  4. Optimus Prime
    Dear Loelah…..

    Be a lady for your man on the outside & be his slut in the bedroom. It’s the almighty formula and it works a treat. Anyone who tells you otherwise is your enemy.

    Men are generally adventuresome. Although, it will serve you right if you communicate with your dates to have a good measure of his sexual fantasies.

    In a nutshell, go for it!

    6+
        1. Woyi_Oc
          Hey. Your name entered my train of thought so i thought I’d say Hi…..Through a comment thread…. Anyway how’s the north treating you? Hope you’ve done your Christmas shopping oh. Don’t wait till dying minute with the plenty other Nigerians. Also you on twitter?
          0
  5. Osasu Elaiho
    “However, I have been told that being freakishly good at somethings; [ e.g. deep-throating and simultaneously massaging the prostrate of my boyfriend or being able to keigel anything], while this might give him mind numbing orgasms [or multiple orgasms to the blessed men], makes me appear a lil too sexually adventurous and a little slutty and apparently, this is a bad thing.”

    This right here is my problem with most African men. This is EXACTLY my kind of woman! I crave for this and spent seven months in an abusive relationship because my lady partner at the time was a vixen in bed and I couldn’t get enough.

    I’ve met many girls who have had to change because their men thought they were too sexually experienced and must be dirty dirty sluts. Give me a dirty slut any day over a goody two shoes! Sigh!
    Any guy that can’t appreciate a girl going out of her way to to please him in bed especially needs a big freaking knock on his blasted head! Life is too short not have sexual pleasure my dear. Do not change for anyone!

    Just like said, be a Voldemort in the sheets and a Dumbledore in the streets. That right there is WISDOM!

    I love your article, keep them coming!

    10+
  6. Osasu Elaiho
    For some reason, my comment is being marked as spam. Maybe someday you’ll read it. Beautiful article, don’t let anyone steal your shine. One day you’ll meet a man partner who will appreciate all the experience you have to share with him.
    3+
      1. Jade
        I had to google what perineum was, then i began to wonder what position the man stays in for your lips to be able to get between his anus and his scrotum
        0
        1. Loelah Post author
          There are various positions that make for an easy reach.
          It all depends on the scenario :
          a. Are you guys on a bed?
          a.i. He should spread his legs and put his feet in the bed [his knee should raised and his feet on the bed… this puts you at eye level with all the penis cousins [balls,anus,and in between them the perineum]

          b.Are his legs raised from a lil ball play?
          b.i.[easy …. stick your tongue out and flick on]

          c. Are you kneeling [eye/ mouth level with the penis]
          c.i. he should spread his legs and you mite have to sit your heel for this….a lil harder to reach but very doable]

          d.Is he sitting and you are kneeling between his legs?
          d.i. Have him sit at the edge of the chair….. very easy reach.

          or better still ask him to lie on his back and raise his leg [just the way you do when he goes down on you]

          I hope this helps

          7+
  7. Cynthia
    Hahahhaaha weirdo “made me more coded at staring at them”. I like a lot. Plus I’ll start this journey of discovery. I do a bit of crazy but I’m selective
    1+
  8. Joe
    “tickle his perineum with the tip of my tongue or I should I pretend like I do not know that the pleasure will make him pant like a bitch in heat? ”
    Thank you Jesus for the male anatomy.
    3+
  9. Kambili M.A. Chimalu
    In Nigeria, we (women) are taught to stifle our sexuality. Men are given permission to explore while women are held to an unrealistic chaste/moral ideal [Chimamanda Adichie talks about this in her TED talk].

    There is no bedroom etiquette or rules as long as you and your partner enjoy what you are both doing. Anyone that tries to shame you for owning your sexuality DOES NOT deserve a second of your precious time that you could spend attaining an earth shattering orgasm.

    P.S: I don’t believe in sluts and hoes.

    9+
  10. Tee boy
    Well written.
    Well said.
    For me, I am always myself and I try everything worth trying.
    After all, I have been told I live on the edge. So why not have a blast at sex too?……I took the plunge and I have never looked back. What’s so great about being ‘ordinary’?
    The truth is people will be people. Some will like your mode and some will disdain it.
    And some that even disdain it eventually like it.
    So keep at it girl…there are some of us guys that see your preferences as those of an individual that has something great to share.
    I Don’t believe in sluts and hoes. I believe people are people.
    5+
  11. Whispering Hope
    Hmmm….I sigh! Not for a bad reason but because I admire a brave write up! This area of discussion tends to be a “taboo” in our land. Thankfully, since many of us are now exposed, we can attack it head on. Women must remove the “gag order” from generations past and embrace self expression in all areas of life- sex too! Please do not change who you are. With the skills and prowess you describe, all you need is the right man and hey presto! “dem go think say na jazz you take hold am”. At least from what says, he can attest to that fact(but on a serious note though thank God he is free from any form of abuse and hopefully it will stay that way!). So any normal man with the right colour of blood flowing through his veins will find you and keep you as the asset you are. Fantastic write up!
    1+
  12. Baldwin
    No one deserves to be sentenced to a life of mediocre sex.

    Marriage is tough enough to add bad sex into the equation.

    If you do not stand to lose anything by trying to own your sexuality and showing your man that this is what he’s in for, then by all means go ahead and do you. If he can’t handle it, then at least you know you tried.

    #TeamBeAHoeForYourMan ????

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    7+
  13. Alexie
    This has been my problem from the time I realized sex doesn’t involve just lying down and opening your legs. I love been adventurous in the bedroom but I don’t want to be viewed as a slut. I remember the first time I told a guy I was previously involved with that giving a blow job is such a turn on for me…. We had a heated argument about how good and marriageable girls shouldn’t be so into sex needless to say I didn’t even tell him about my other fantasies.
    0
    1. Osasu Elaiho
      Thank God for freedom.

      “…good marriageable girls shouldn’t be so into sex…”

      Statements like this upset me to say the least. So a girl should be sexually frustrated to please her man? Yet we wonder why so many ladies today believe that not having an orgasm is normal and that pleasing their man takes precedence.

      @loelah and @lipglossmaffia, I think you need to do more articles like these that teach women to speak up and not die all for the sake of some man’s blasted ego.

      , I hope you’re with someone now that allows your imagination and fantasies to run free? You deserve nothing less.

      0
  14. Hephie Brown
    kindred somebody : I was a weird child. I had a lot of friends and I never knew why they wanted to be friends with me. I used to hide under tables to read romance novels cos my dad hated them and hide from my neighbours that always came to play.. my parents always locked me out of my room.. I also wished I was someone else or somewhere else and I found my best friendship in books and junk food. I was a fat teenager…

    As I grew, I began to pray for big bumbum, (i just fancied it back then..and God sorta answered me but not enough)..still do(now i just wish there was something massive a man could hold on to while having a go at it).. i also prayed that he makes me tall cos i wanted to be a model..but my legs are not as long as they should be..

    I think society condemns a girl for knowing too much because of religion and the whole virginity b4 marriage thing…so if ure not a virgin b4 marriage at least don’t be so “spoilt “yet..African Men want to feel like they have a lot to teach you..they don’t mind u being a freak in the sheets, but they want to be the one to make you the freak..i think..

    1+
    1. Olayinka
      Biko am I the only Nigerian girl who has met Nigerian men who like their women slutty? The number isn’t impressive as such (even that is doubtful), but can we be more fair to these men sometimes?
      2+
    2. NO2_EFX
      A bigger bum is something you can work on yourself though. Weighted squats with a sufficient calorie intake and BAM! Should only take u about 3-9 months to see significant gains. Also try to eat 4-5 meals a day to speed up metabolism (if you don’t want to put on too much weight make 2 of those meals fruit snacks).
      0
  15. Cavey
    So @loelah just won my heart with this one article! For blessing us with this post, I pray that you end up with a man who’s tongue game is 100 and dick game is 1000! Keeps doing you and keep the articles cumin (every pun intended)
    3+
  16. Jennifer Dagi
    Phew!!! So i’m not the only freak in town? I was almost going for deliverance for my sexual fantasies and adventures. At least, I have a bf who knows all my sexual craziness. Nice article girl, I thoroughly enjoyed it!!
    0
  17. Ramatu
    If sex isn’t mutually adventurous and pleasing, it us a waste of ALL the energy put into it.

    Girl, find a man who knows this and you are good.

    If her thinks you are too wild for him, he deserves just one answer; BOY BYE!

    1+
  18. Abzlim
    This post literally blew my mind. I never knew a girl could be this open aboit her sexuality. Bravo on this one. For me you are my perfect girl sexually i like a girl who wants to try new things and am always ready to ensure i give them an orgasm that passes them out, leaving their legs quivering. Sexually adventurous girls win all the time. The main issue with men sometimes is that they feel if you are too sexually experienced, then it means you must have had sex with a lot of people, and they see you as a slut. But it’s not true. Men most times think sexual Promisquosity naturally comes to them while woman were created sexually prudent….. Anyway nice one this post

    Posted from TNC Mobile

    1+

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