I was a weird child. I had a lot of friends and I never knew why they wanted to be friends with me. I used to hide under tables to read books and hide from my neighbours that always came to play with my siblings and I. I also wished I was someone else or somewhere else and I found my best friendship in books and food.
I also prayed for the weirdest things; I can vividly remember sitting behind a particular family in church and praying fervently that God should make me one of their children. It was not that I did not like my family, I just liked theirs better. I stared at them every Sunday; I stared so so longingly that on a rainy Sunday, they had to report me to my mother who proceeded to give me very dirty slaps in the church. This just made me more coded in my staring at them.
As I grew, I began to pray for breasts. I begged God every day and night not to leave me flat chested. I begged that He have mercy on me; I described myself to Him [as if He could not see me] and I let Him understand that there was nothing nice about being a fat girl with no boobs. God answered me. when I was fourteen, I woke up with racks of life.
I remember the first time I had an orgasm; I was thirteen and my parents had left me alone at home. I had read all the books and there was no light, now what was a bored thirteen year old girl to do? I remembered that my elder brother had magazines hidden under his bed and I visited his archive of pornographic magazines and got a copy of Moving Tales.
It is important to point out that this wasn’t my first foray into his archives but I never knew what to do about the flood of feelings that started at my nipples and tugged somewhere between my legs. That day, however, I decided to take a mirror and see what my vagina looked like. I put the big mirror in between my legs and held it in place with my spread thighs and I watched my nipples harden as I visualized the words I read. I touched them and pulled a bit. It felt really good. Then I decided to rub against my vagina and I discovered my clitoris; my very happy clitoris, I concentrated on her and I came. Suffice it to say I was responsible for my orgasm from that day, through out my teenage years and periodically thereafter.
Now I am an adult. A twenty seven year old woman and I face a little dilemma.
I taught myself how to love my self. I spent over a year of my life getting to know my self, loving who I found that I was and trying my best to honour her everyday. This also taught me to love people for who they are and not for who I would like them to be.
In pursuit of my self love, I have read and practiced pleasing [sexually and otherwise] myself and the extremely fortunate man I am with at every given point in time. However, I have been told that being freakishly good at somethings; [ e.g. deep-throating and simultaneously massaging the prostrate of my boyfriend or being able to keigel anything], while this might give him mind numbing orgasms [or multiple orgasms to the blessed men], makes me appear a lil too sexually adventurous and a little slutty and apparently, this is a bad thing.
I would like to know what is considered sexually appropriate. Is it alright for me to show him what I like, maybe not verbally but with the movements of my body?
Is it alright for me to direct his head and tongue during cunnilingus?
Is it ok for me give him head like I enjoy it or do I have to pretend to have never handled a penis before?
Should I think twice before I tickle his perineum with the tip of my tongue or I should I pretend like I do not know that the pleasure will make him pant like a bitch in heat?
Should I grab his balls or should I leave them hanging there, limply and untouched, like overly wrinkled velvet?
Should I whisper what I want to him or should I just lie there and take what I am offered?
Should I dare massage his prostate, when I know that the pleasure will be very intense or should I pretend like I do not know how or where it is located?
Basically, all I am asking is : Should I honour who I have come to know and love as myself or should I honour what I have been taught that I have to be?
I am at that point in my life where I am ready to and I believe that I can handle the responsibilities of a committed partnership with one man. I have spoken to a few of my married friends [ladies] and most of them have very bland sex lives and some have not even had an orgasm this year.
The thought of being sentenced to a life of mediocre sex or worse, being perpetually responsible for my orgasm, is dire.
I cannot be alone in this; there must be someone that knows better. HELP!!!!