If She Cheats, Should She Get A Second Chance?

The truth about cheating is that we all want to do it, on some level, almost all the time, and we don’t cheat by deciding not to, every single day. Our minds have a really annoying way of constantly wondering whether there might be a better deal out there for us. And there are much more serious…

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The truth about cheating is that we all want to do it, on some level, almost all the time, and we don’t cheat by deciding not to, every single day. Our minds have a really annoying way of constantly wondering whether there might be a better deal out there for us. And there are much more serious manifestations of this tendency that I’m sure you know all about, as well. Like, there’s a chance that you’ve got this really attractive friend who’s always talking about how there are no more good & loyal guys out there, just after complementing you on our loyalty towards your girlfriend.

Every day, you look in the mirror and you say, “Today I’m not going to hook up with any of those people.” Congratulations! You’re a good guy. Someone should give you a prize. And when that ex started sending you funny WhatsApp messages late at night, but you shut it down? Bravo. You avoided danger. You saw what was coming, and you said NO. Even though there are days when your girlfriend is irritating the hell out of you, you keep it together. You realize that the short-term gratification of random female attention is less rewarding than sharing your world with somebody. 

Like it or not, your girlfriend faces the same dilemma. She has the same temptations. That cute colleague in her office always wearing sharp bespoke suits and a smooth talker? She’s thought about that, for sure. She sees hot guys coming and going, and briefly questions her commitment to monogamy. But, unlike you, she said “yes” to that very tempting train of thought. Whatever the circumstance was in which she met this guy, she knew she was tempting fate, and she did it anyway. At every step, she knew she was getting closer and closer to cheating on you. And, at each step, she was like, “Yeah, OK, that seems like a reasonable decision.” Maybe she never thought, “Oh boy, time to cheat on my perfect boyfriend.” She just found this dude’s attention flattering, and she found the whole thing exciting. So she ignored the voice of reason in her head — which was almost certainly there — telling her that this was a bad idea.

You may want to believe that this was her one moment of infidelity. And that’s vaguely possible. But thrill-seeking, unconscientious people tend to remain that way. She’ll see other guys, and feel the intoxication of flattery, and she’ll probably be at least strongly tempted to screw you over again. She’s just a human, unfortunately, and most humans tend to change their behavior only when it’s absolutely, totally necessary.

By the way, if you don’t let her go, you won’t tell her that it’s absolutely necessary to change her behavior. You’re telling her that if she cries, and says she regrets it, and reminds you of what you shared in the past, you’ll forgive her. That probably won’t make her change. She might change someday, but unfortunately you can’t control the circumstances that will bring that about. She’ll probably tell you that she still loves you, over and over again, that she loves you more than ever. That may be true. 

But do you really need that kind of love?

Responses

  1. Feyishayo
    Why do I think this was written to flip the script around (as per MOST times guys are the ones who get 2nd chances)? It just reminds me of when a lady wrote a sarcastic post abt women cheating & justifying it with excuses usually used to justify it for men
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  2. Empress Cyn
    Fucking no, unless you like the constant paranoia that come with taking her back, the always present insecurity that follows you like a shadow.
    Unless she’s very willing to change and isn’t acting all entitled for a second chance and also isn’t making dumb excuses “He wore them tight jeans, how could i say no to that ass?!”
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      1. Empress Cyn
        If it’s someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a while, my best guess is that you would know…Words mean nothing, action is where you should focus your attention.
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        1. vanilla
          Actions! Actions!! Actions!!!
          The one word that defines 80% of any relationship for me. Most times the action of a partner tells us almost all we need to know about the state of a relationship.
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  3. Mo
    I am wondering why this article, with the way it was written, is addressing just females. It’s weird, there’s nothing particularly feminine in the post.
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  4. CeeCee
    According to my love doctor on wether she/he gets a second chance:
    Do not waste your time trying to figure them out. Seriously, people, this is a time suck. I call this stage “Untangling the Skein of F**kupedness.” If you’re like most betrayed partners, you spend a lot of time in pointless arguments yelling at your cheater, “WTF?! How could you do this?” or “Does she/he have some gravitational pull that you’re helpless to resist?!” or “That fedora-headed, hipster douchebag? Really?” You’ll posit theories. You’ll deconstruct their family of origin issues. You’ll surf the internet for reasons for infidelity. All this does is keep your energy focused on them. Not you. You only get to control yourself. So what do you want? Is this person someone you want to invest in? What is acceptable and unacceptable to you? And what are you going to do about it? If you’re so busy trying to uncode them, or predict what they’ll do next, or prevent them from doing some awful thing, you will just stay stuck. It doesn’t matter why they are how they are. You can’t fix it. You just get to fix you.
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  5. Cavey
    “The truth about cheating is that we all want to do it, on some level, almost all the time…”
    *buzzer sound*
    In fact, the whole first paragraph gets a buzzer sound.
    “By the way, if you don’t let her go…”
    Err, by the title, I thought you were asking a question not telling us that it’s folly to do what you asked.
    What I’m going to do is ignore the entirety of the content of this article because I’m sure I don’t like it and answer the title; “…does she get a second chance?”. Yes, yes she does.She also gets a third, fourth and even a millionth chance because if you love her, if it’s true, then you’d already forgive her before she even commits the ‘crime’ but there’s a but. Just because you love this being doesn’t mean you should be stupid, meaning; just because you love her doesn’t mean she loves you and being in love isn’t the absence of common sense.So if the love is on just your side, she doesn’t deserve a second chance, not because she doesn’t but because you deserve better. But hey, different strokes…
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    1. vicaro
      wow! you were asked to go and you started on this lane and i was nodding then you were on the other lane facing the opposite direction ..so smoothly i did not see you make a u-turn. the reason why i am so impressed is because i think that you will be right wether you choose to go or to come and then you managed to go and come at the same time… so smooth. you must be very good in keeping conversations, arguing and the best liar ever! nobody will ever catch you!.. i meant this all as a joke ooh! don’t take it too hard eh..
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        1. Vicaro
          Ok. In plain language.. You ignored the write up and chose to deal with the title which basically is a question about if a cheating lady should be forgiven or not.. Most people would have stuck with one side to either support that she should be forgiven or oppose it, but you @cavey 007 decided to start by emphatically commenting yes yes yes she should be forgiven in fact not just the first time but for the subsequent adventures she chooses to pursue and as I was nodding, and following your comment expecting you to conclude with a deep and sensible reason why she should be forgiven then i found you saying that she should not be forgiven and the transition was so smooth, I found it hard to locate the exact moment when you switched… Cavey …wehdone sir!!
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  6. redforx
    Yes, I will. But would she be remorseful about her actions or would she seek forgiveness just so that we’re cool, only to do it again later? A question only she’d have real answers to.

    hit the nail on the head addressing what should be requisite in a relationship. Happier and healthier partners/couples have healthy trustworthy relationships.

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