The day started pretty well.

As I tied the lace of my sneakers, spritzed an awesome scented mist on my hair and straightened my body-con dress, admiring the work of God in the mirror, I had no idea what was to unfold in a couple of hours. I hooked up with a friend who was concluding a professional make up training course and needed someone for a makeover which was one of the requirements for ‘graduation’. I was excited because I love make up but I’m mostly clueless about brushes, arches and foundation. After the session, I decided to leave to get some other things done but the devil ministered to me to follow her home because she just made a very tasty ofada sauce that I knew would be awesome with rice, spaghetti, bread and even cabin biscuit. It was that good.

3.30 P.M

It was resting on a plate on a table top in the kitchen. It was secluded from everything almost as if it had a virus that could kill just by a slight touch.  It looked very bland and dry with crumbs falling away from the whole chunk like the walls of Jericho. People came in, ignored every other food on the kitchen table top and went straight to it like it was some god that needed to be revered in a special type of way. They’d take a small chunk and leave. I attributed this attitude of contentment towards this confectionery to its bland look and possibly bad taste.

‘Why are you people cutting small na? The cake is not sweet abi?’, I asked naively.

They laughed and called me different things that spelt novice to me. I felt challenged so I picked a knife up and cut a small piece. It was delicious. Arguably, the best cake I had eaten in a while. I asked my friend again what was in it and why everyone was cutting a small piece and then she told me it had weed in it.

I hissed.

c1narc6weaaiotd

Ordinary weed

I have had my fair share of weed in ‘fruit’ punches and muffins in the past so I thought I could handle it because I never got high from weed. I didn’t know there are different levels of weed potency. I cut another chunk, this time larger than the first one and popped it in my mouth. The others started laughing and one actually started pleading with me to stop.

‘D, have you ever been high from weed before?’ She asked.

‘Noooo’, I replied.

‘I actually don’t get high. I have had lots and lots before.’ I continued stupidly.

While taking this cake, I started eating my food too and after a while, my friend offered to drop me at another friend’s house and the others followed. All through the ride I wasn’t feeling anything but they kept on telling me it would come. I even started bragging that I didn’t even take enough and it was pissing me off.

They dropped me at my friend’s house and left, still laughing.

One hour later.

I was lying down on a couch in my friend’s house when suddenly; it felt as if the weight of the entire world and an alternate world for sumo wrestlers alone was upon me. My limbs felt heavy and I didn’t understand what was going on. I just concluded that I was probably very tired from the stress of the week so I shook it off because I had totally forgotten about the weed. My friend, who wasn’t at home called me but it was as if she called me from outer space. I could hear her but she sounded very distant. The phone call felt like a scene from the 90s Yorrywood horror movie, Ti Oluwa ni le. I kept on repeating everything she was saying back to her. I knew something was wrong but I still didn’t think it was weed.

‘I’m a baddo now, weed doesn’t affect me.’ I thought to myself.

After the disastrous phone call, I got up with difficulty and started pacing like someone who has just been pronounced mad and sentenced to endless wandering by marine spirits. After a while, I sat down and was gisting with my friend’s sister till she started sounding like what Dj Khaled would sound like if he talked into a standing fan. I got up and continued pacing. She knew something was wrong with me and she asked me. I told her I ate weed cake and she said it will go.

Meanwhile, the weed was just getting started, doing one mad press up like:

pushup-gif

I asked her to please drop me in my house and she said okay but she needed to take a bath first so I continued pacing. I stopped at the kitchen after a while and started staring at a tree or something green intently. In my mind I thought it would be the last time I would ever see it in my life so I needed to stare at it very well. I don’t why I thought this tree had any significance in my life but I stayed.

And stared.

My friend’s sister offered me sweets and I packed the whole bunch and popped about five in my mouth wishing for some sort of relief.

Nothing.

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Me.

It felt as if I was floating and my vision was hazy. It was as if clouds were in my brain because everything sounded distant. I was also drinking water a lot, looking for any form of relief but nothing worked.

At this point, in my subconscious, I became scared. I told my friend’s sister to take me to the house where I took the weed. I believed if I went home, I would definitely die and my body would be discovered 3 days later. In the midst of all that, I also thought of the state in which I left my room that morning and I didn’t want to be discovered like that.

She dropped me at my friends place and left. As soon as I entered, my friend and the others spent at least 10 minutes laughing at me. I told them it wasn’t funny and to please take me to the hospital so I won’t die. They said not to worry, that it would fade… But in like six hours.

czbrxhuweaastua

Six what?

I was told to enjoy the high. But I wasn’t enjoying it. I was uncomfortable, weak and it felt like huge craters had been tied to each of my legs. Walking around now required a big effort. Everything felt like work including having normal thoughts.

5.30pm.

The hallucination began.

I thought my friend and her roommate were going to kill me. They were talking in hushed tones apparently trying to find a way to make me feel better but I felt they were planning my murder.  I started avoiding them and hiding in corners so they won’t find me. I had vivid images of being cut up, limb by limb and added to the ofada sauce.

I thought of my mother and what this would mean to her. I started crying.

I called yet another friend who lives on the mainland.

`Please come and carry me from this place, they want to kill me!’ I remember even kneeling down to buttress my plea. She told me to put on the AC, lay under the duvet and try to get some sleep .I did as I was told.

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I opened my whatsapp and started looking at messages with people thinking this is what people will say I said last. I thought of sending a broadcast of ‘I love you’ to everyone but I realized I was too weak to answer phone calls that would ensue so I  decided to write a letter. I started looking for a paper and pen frantically but couldn’t find. My friend and her roommate brought soaked garri and told me to drink it so I would feel better. I started gulping it down faster than the speed of light. Whilst eating, I threw up and saw the brief look of fear in their eyes.

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It’s all over Jackie…

They made me lie down and left the room. I picked my phone up and started looking at my pictures, wondering which one would be used for obituary. I was definitely going insane because I don’t know how in the face of death, I was thinking about obituary pictures on fleek. I think I slept at some point and woke up feeling much better. Things didn’t feel as heavy again and it was as if different weights were being lifted gradually from me. I fell asleep again and woke up later in the night feeling much better so I decided to call an Uber.

I managed to get into the Uber and because of my semi inebriated state; I kept on dozing and muttering incoherent words.  I was about to get down from the car at the end of the trip when the driver said,

‘Have a good night, sister Debola.’

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Sister who now???

‘Don’t you remember me, from **** Church?. I’m in the sounds and tech group. You normally come to collect the message after church from us every Sunday.’, he said.

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THE END

 

Responses

  1. Terdoo
    DAAAAANG!
    Never been this high.
    Where is this cake please? And how does one obtain such?
    For…research of course. Just to find out if this is truth or fiction.

    Of course…

    7+
      1. Geegal
        Ohhhhh my goodness LOL. This write up came right on time….sister debola see I’m laughing real hard.my story en I had it on my bucket list and I hosted a shower for a friend (this past friday)when my friend suggested her friend could bake it , forming badass I was like no wahala “lez do deez” I started piece by piece of course I didn’t taste anything weird plus the brownie was made nicely…girls were just eating cos we didn’t tell anyone what was in it until like after 2chops each.LOL. , truly it doesn’t kick in till later. Maid of honour was messed up before we even left.blurred visions, the numb feeling, heaviness ,the phone call like i was in ASGARD jeez I had lots of water but nothing.my testimony sef is I drove home safe with my blurry visions, had my bath and just kept laughing.half of d ladies at my friends wedding were still high. Took 2days to feel normal again.my Bro kept saying just sleep kai…loooooooool#onetimexperience#crazyassfeeling.
        2+
          1. Kay
            lol. First and only time i had brownies with weed in it, i lost 3 days of my life mehn. i know i passed out after hallucinating on Thursday and didnt wake up till Sunday.
            0
  2. Andronicus
    Lol! This is funny but did not beat the one I read on Nairaland.
    The guy , a weed virgin really captured the fear and panic he felt after eating weed.
    His friends didn’t help matters, they said eating it is worse than smoking and he could die if he was unlucky.
    Story is one of the funniest I’ve read on a blog. After wandering along the street barefoot, he went to a local nurse whose injection helped him sleep that evening and he woke up later with a case of the munchies and finished a whole loaf of sliced bread…just like that.
    Reading his story made me fear (and I already have this fear that if I smoke weed I’ll run mad). I’ve drunk it inside Zobo once…and didn’t know till the next day. Thought it was just the heavy drinking I did that got me high.
    0
    1. Debloww Post author
      I was just lucky I was sorta confined to a room and not alone. If I had been by myself, I dunno what I’d have done to myself or people on the street. Without weed, I’m already quite extra.
      I’m just thanking God really.
      3+
  3. Buzz
    I was this high on new year’s eve, ingested weed and other substances couldn’t drive home from the one Lagos fiesta, had to walk and it felt like years , got home with the streets empty which was freaking insane thinking about it now. It was new year’sday and everywhere should be bubbling but it was all quite and that was when the paranoia set in… Got home at last and didn’t wake up until 12pm. New year’sday was spent in bed fucked up as shit. Never been that high before
    2+
  4. A.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! This was so funny to read. I had a slightly (very slight) similar experience. Had eaten a tiny one once but this time my friend insisted I eat a nice chunk. For hours, everyone was asking if I was okay. I was and i told them. The longer I was fine, the more concerned they got. Everyone else had started manifesting and I looked at them with disdain. Till everything went dark for me. I could not move! When i say not move, it includes blinking. Everything was toooooo much work for me. i was sitting on a couch like a piece of cloth; just scattered. Then the worst thing happened. I got muscle cramps in my feet. Mind you, I have them on random occassions but today, nobody believed me. Everyone thought it was the weed manifesting. I think the weed made the pain feel 10 times worse sha and it lasted for wayy too long. I was rambling in pain and asking for help. The goats were just laughing at me. Time to go home, a bunch of them took me. I had to give directions to my house and I don’t know how we made it. I couldn’t even work. I had to be escorted into the house. I fell on the nearest bed and didn’t move an inch! Funny thing is I woke up bright and early the next day and I felt so refreshed. The night before felt like it happened in another universe.
    5+
  5. Joe
    See people, before you do anything weed, salt and say good morning sir.
    Kudos you can write your story. It’s been difficult to narrate my high stories. People don’t understand it.
    The paranoia
    The feeling everybody wants to kill me.
    The thought of heaven and hell (even though I Don’t know about that)
    Everything your parents told you about bad company.
    See weed is truly the hidden knowledge you’re looking for.

    PS. If you’ve had weed a few times and you’ve never felt this way, hang on, your day will come.

    1+
  6. Oiyk
    What will now happen if you guys had a drink of soaked “gegemu”? A friend and senior of mine during secondary school days, one of the brightest if not the best of them all was trying to read in the night and he had his coffee mixed with “gegemu” ( it was boiled and soaked for days). This dude all the way from school in Ekiti was brought down to Yaba left. He spent almost 3months on treatment. Good thing is he was able to make it back before Waec started but peops kept on checking on him to know if he was doing fine. Ask anybody that has stayed in Ekiti about “gegemu”, it even grows on the road side during dry season but the highness you get from it, damn that thing is from another world. Many of my guys would mix it in palmwine or soak garri with it, you don’t need to be told who has had it. Just wait till you see someone walking around the hostel or going to class naked or a nobody trying to behave like a champion. The answer can’t be far fetched. “Gegemu” is in action.
    5+
  7. Buchi
    See ehn, I like @debloww
    Back then in Uniben, my roommate, while smoking with some friends, brought out his rosary to pray cos he thought we wanted to go sacrifice him. Funny, He actually looked at my own rosary on the wall and thought it was a charm and that we had transformed the room to a shrine. That weed was on another level of badass sha tbh.
    2+
  8. Temi Niran
    I died at Obituary picture on fleek. LMFAO what did they lace that weed with? I’m not sure if this is something I want to experience, but it sounds like you just had a very terrible trip. In other news, I had Cali weed the other day and found out that there truly are levels to this shit.
    1+
  9. Ife
    I just love @debloww
    Hahaha….the post had me lmao! And yes I’ve had my fair share of this high. Mine was the unpurified weed. It messed me up. I just know that I slept outside instead of on my bed cos I thought my bed was taking me to another planet and I didn’t wanna go. Woke up messed up the next day! Kai…weed is not good ooo.
    😂😂🍃🍃🍃
    5+
  10. Ms Jahara
    Oh my God i’m dyiiiiinnnngggggg!!! everyone at work wondering if i am okay.. I was almost rolling on the floor.. Hilarious!! best piece ever!!!!
    1+
    1. bantshark
      lmao . everyone at the office is just wandering whats wrong with me. I started crying after

      “I started avoiding them and hiding in corners so they won’t find me. I had vivid images of being cut up, limb by limb and added to the ofada sauce.”

      i am still crying 😂��😭��

      1+
  11. Oyinkan Agboola
    Duuude, this is legit funny! I am still on the floor from laughter. Is this supposed to NOT encourage people to smoke weed? Lol! I loved this, the ending just killed me. It brings to my memory the time i smoked green tea… Great piece though. This is the best thing i have read this year!
    1+
  12. T.A.M.I
    Loool. This is too familiar, I’ve been this high before and just like you, I was forming baddo when I had the first cookie… until it hit me. Everything felt different, felt like the flooor was rising to slap me or something. Legs felt like lead and I couldnt stand. At some point I was laughing/smiling like the Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland. Next thing i was reflecting on my life kept thinking is this the end? Is this how my heart will explode inside my chest and I will just die? Then I started crying- uncontrollably because I felt helpless, embarrassed; see my life outside. Dunno how long all these lasted since I experienced multiple waves of emotions gosh! Lucky for me I was at home, not alone and he managed me/the situation like a pro. Tsk wasn’t funny at the time.

    Since then if I hear we.. 🏃I no dey wait mbok. Lmao

    2+
  13. Jadesola
    I died at the ‘Obituary picture’ part… Jeez! Then Uber driver now said Sister Debola! God knows all the things you said to him!

    Never tried weed and I’ve never been high before. I’m one of those people that believe that if I should tried it penren, I will run mad so even when they are puffing and passing or sharing cake, my automatic response has always been ‘I don’t want to run mad’

    I love the way you write…

    2+
  14. Mr. Eze
    Whoever wrote this did a good job, I literally clap for you before writing this this and yeah the pictures made it funnier. Good job keep it up mehn…u are the shit!! I’ll be looking out for you
    1+
  15. Dafididafidi
    Why would you take a banned substance? First you start with weed then move on to cocainetgrn on to God knows what then your end will be worse gang your beginning. This story should not be glorified Jo!
    0
    1. Debloww
      Mr DavidDavid.

      Can you please hook me up with a Cocaine dealer, preferably in Lagos? I mean since you have the time table of my life and you are so sure I’ll move on to Cocaine, it is only right you help me speed up my sojourn into my ‘worse end’.

      Better still, do you sell?

      Epp me please.

      Thanks a lot!

      3+
      1. Dafididafidi
        Sorry cannot hook you up i dont paratake notto tAlk of knowing a deaier! Nope i dont have thetimetable of your life but i sureknow someone who does, he us the King if Kings , tbe lird of Lords His nane i s Jesus. Nope am notsureyou will move on to cocaine so will be wrong for me to soeed your “” Sojourn”” as you call it and No i do not sell and never will. like i said before its againsttge law of the land.
        so i cant “”EPP” you.
        However your sarcasm no be small at all at all, it takes the cake considering the fact that I was just commenting oh and did not mean any offence or pun. It’s surely is your life and you have every right to live it as you please. God bless.
        0
  16. Vanilla
    LMAO……….i cant believe i missed this earlier!
    This was so funny i laughed out loud outside and already look like i took the weed.
    The moral of the story is: If you want to use weed, chain yourself with about 10 chains first (like they do for werewolves just before the full moon). That way, your high or ‘madness’ is confined to one spot and the chances of been found on the streets talking to yourself is veryyyyy slim!
    2+

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