For Colored Women: Beige

Presently, it’s Friday night and I’m getting ready to go for a prayer vigil at sister Susie’s house. I really do not feel like it today but I have to go. NEED to go. My body is still not accustomed to being indoors doing nothing on Friday nights so it’s either go or stay at home being restless.

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‘Me and My Beige Soul’ by @Ms_Dania

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Do you know what color beige is? If you don’t, I’ll tell you. And even if you do, I’ll still tell you. Because to me, beige is more than just a color; it has come to represent the stains from my past. Stains that have been washed away but people refuse to stop seeing. What is my beige ? My beige is…

Off-White

“You be virgin?”

No.

“So wetin be your problem?”

I’ve often been called a pretender. A hypocrite. Someone trying to be something she’s not.

“No be dat girl wey I see for club last Christmas? Wey dey grind on top that old man like ashewo?”

Once a bad girl, forever a bad girl. Because a leopard can never change its spots.

Right?

I mean, is it totally impossible that I’m trying to make something decent out of my life? That I’m trying to change? That I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to get it right this time?

But no. As far as you are concerned, you got in once, you get a free pass forever abi? My friend sit your ass down with your Okafor’s law bullshit.

Light Yellowish-Brown

Oh look, she just cussed! Yes. I cussed. It’s something I’m working on, my language, amongst many other things.

Did you know that the term ‘beige’ originates from beige cloth, a cotton fabric left un-dyed in its natural colour? What this means is that of all of you, I’m the realest. I have no airs or graces about me. No pretences or illusions of perfection. I’m not a goody-two shoes and I don’t pretend that I am. I’ve seen things…done things… I’m not proud of most of it but in a way, I’m almost grateful for it. It’s made me more…real. I’m less critical or judgemental of others.  I’ve been ‘there’ so I get it.

No, I’m not proud of my past; but I’m done apologising for it.

Dirty Cream

Some people think of me as stained. Especially the ones who claim to be my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’. To my face, they call me Sister Nonachi; At their meetings, they refer to me as that Sister with too much make-up, the tight skirts and the sordid past; In their minds, I’m Sister Rahab.

Well, Rahab the P.R.O.S.T.I.T.U.T.E is in the lineage of Jesus. This same Jesus has washed me clean of any stains and given me new robes. So fuck you and your sanctimonious bullshit.

Oops.

Hey, I said I’m working on it.

Light Grey with a Brownish Tinge

Ah, tinges of my past remain. I still get urges. I am changed yes, but not inhuman.

Presently, it’s Friday night and I’m getting ready to go for a prayer vigil at sister Susie’s house. I really do not feel like it today but I have to go. NEED to go. My body is still not accustomed to being indoors doing nothing on Friday nights so it’s either go or stay at home being restless. Olivia’s phone call from five minutes ago certainly didn’t help:

“Hey babe, you wanna go out tonight?”

“What’s happening?”

“Nothing now, just regular Friday night?”

“Nah, Im going to church.”

“Church?”

“Yes church.”

 I am married to Jesus, Satan leave me alone.

Satan.

My Satan comes in the form of Tade. Tade is my sugar, spice, and all things nice. He’s godly, fun, playful, serious and ready to commit, complete with a stable job in a top consulting firm. He gets me. I get him. We get each other.

And boy is he a looker! Tall, fair, handsome in the cutest of ways and mildly ribbed just how I like ’em. Sometimes all he has to do is look at me in a certain way and I can almost feel all the Jesus departing from…bragaderibashakaaaa. Good Lord have mercy.

We turn heads whenever we walk into a room; our chemistry is palpable. Easy but palpable. We’re good together, me and my Satan.

He even tried; he lasted six months. But he has needs. Real urges and desires that I cannot ignore neither can I fulfil. Not that I literally can’t, because trust me; I can make a man leave his wife. Actually, I have. Twice. But I don’t live that life any more. So I can’t.

“Babe I can’t do this anymore.”

How can my angel be my Satan?

“I’ll end up resenting you, or even worse, getting it elsewhere.”

He’s asking me to choose between him and God.

“Don’t put it like that.”

Oh God, he’s going to walk if I don’t give in.

I am married to Jesus, Satan leave me alone.

Off-White. Dirty cream. Yellowish brown.

Pretender. Hypocrite. Confused.

Labels. Labels. Labels.

I’ve judged myself. Jesus has judged me. He’s also made me clean.

So leave me be and back the fuc…

Ugh.

I said I’m still working on it.

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Responses

  1. Tiki
    Oh this is me…this is sooooo me! I don't even care that it is not thrilling – the raw honesty, the matter-of-fact delivery, the remorseful acceptance devoid of self-pity…I can identify with every single word.

    And the beauty of it is, my spots are fading away.

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    1. tobicomm
      "I don't even care that it is not thrilling – the raw honesty, the matter-of-fact delivery, the remorseful acceptance devoid of self-pity" …. My exact sentiments.
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  2. Miss_Yo2
    I’ve bin following d posts on for coloured girls since it began on monday, and even though the writings have been excellent, I didn’t feel the need to comment, because I cldnt relate directly to any of the stories. But this here…*sigh* I literally had tears in my eyes cos I’ve been here. Still am in a way. I didn’t have a very wild past, but at a point, I took a look at my life and felt I needed to retrace my steps and get back on the right path with God. Its not easy, and yes people would do all they can to bring u down. The hardest part was having to choose between God and my boyfriend. It was’nt easy. It still isn’t. Trying to turn off all ur feelings when u’re with that person that makes ur blood pressure sky rocket! I’m stil fighting that battle, and even tho sometimes it feels hard, dis story has told strengthened me. Thanks TNC for this
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  3. MakeupbyTeju
    Yes,am married to jesus..malechekurubabababab…satan,fornication,lust of the eyes and flesh…leave me the F*** alone…ha….. Ds is just…………………….on point…God help us all..yes.
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          1. t3niola
            But he's right, that part of the bible IS boring. We all skip the lineage bits. The only reason I know Rahab was in the lineage is because I read Francine Rivers
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  4. Tori
    I really loved reading this. Very realistic.

    “No, I’m not proud of my past; but I’m done apologizing for it”

    It is very difficult trying to balance your relationship and your religious beliefs. I can relate.

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  5. Deola
    This spoke to me loudly. Caught in between two worlds. Wanting to be one new person and still also wanting a little taste of the other side. I fight the battle everyday, wanting to really get closer to God, wanting to give up on a whole lot of things that I know are bad for me. Its hard.
    This was really nice.
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  6. @Sirkastiq
    "bragaderibashakaaaa."… If any (wo)man speak in an[unknown tongue, let it be by two, or at the most by three, and by course; and let one interpret….

    I wait.

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  7. sapphire013
    I loved the description of the beige in different ways, and how d story related to it…

    I must also admire d writer, u r strong. Saying no the "the him" isn't an easy task… No makes him av an erection, he'll either flaunt it for u 2c or somehow disturb ur bombom with it… Nxt tin na u dey beg…

    I remember saying once that MY BODY IS THE TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, next thing "the him" said THEN LEMME WORSHIP GOD IN HIS TEMPLE

    KAI U R STRONG, and then STRONGER dan ur satan.

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  8. Rezza
    Finally! I'm live on TNC!

    What this means is that of all of you, I’m the realest. I have no airs or graces about me. No pretences or illusions of perfection. I’m not a goody-two shoes and I don’t pretend that I am. I’ve seen things…done things… I’m not proud of most of it but in a way, I’m almost grateful for it. It’s made me more…real. I’m less critical or judgemental of others. I’ve been ‘there’ so I get it.

    This is so precisely me, it hurts. I'm gonna sit quietly and chew on this some more.
    *sigh*

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  9. tracey
    i can totally relate to this, @Ms_Dania.thank you for this post, this is my color and i guess it is also the color of a lot of people.often our worst judge isn't even humans but ourselves,our mind, constantly reminding us of how we have failed and how many times we have fallen>>>yet we don't give up ,we just cant!!
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  10. Glory
    This is my best piece so far. I like the ease to it, it feels natural. At the risk of sounding repetitive, it’s real and relatable and somehow I think that’s what the FCW series is about – getting us to see, feel and understand the different ways we’re colored beyond our races and skin tones.

    On the whole I still think For Colored Men rocked way more though. Forgive me or bite me.

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  11. Tobi
    This has to be my best post so far. The sincere, unapologetic nature of it… Its so easy to relate to, much more than the other posts. The struggle is real and I feel like i’m losing most of the time 🙁 *sigh* The Lord is our strength.
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  12. Tessa
    I think i like beige
    If i am voting for any, it is beige
    By the way, beige is kind of dirty brown

    About the trying thingy
    do right because you want to honor God
    Any other reason and you'd get lost again

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  13. All Heart
    Of all the posts so far, this is the one that I describes me best. The writing might not have been over-the-top or as imaginative as the others, but it was real. It was raw and natural and totally relatable. It is so difficult trying to get people to accept that you have changed. It is also difficult trying to adapt to your new lifestyle while still being attracted to where you are coming from.
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  14. bimbo
    Of all the posts, this has been my best. Maybe cos like almost everyone here has said, i can relate to it. I also like that the writer isn't trying too hard to sell her story which is sort of the vibe i've gotten off all the other FCW posts. i guess its also y everyone keeps saying FCM was better. its been woe is me, pity me, lick my feet cos im this way ….
    this post simply put says this is me
    i always thought with jesus, there's a destination. the year i realised it was gonna be a forever walk, i sort of lost some of the zeal. I got it back only when i realised im happiest "walking".
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  15. kaylatee
    IMO, I think everyone has a smidgen of beige in their lives……. This. I can relate to this…..especially with the cussing *sigh*
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  16. @undefined
    i've never being on the wild side- You don't get to do that from the kind of family i come from-but i see some girls like this, and i'm sorry to say i judge them too. I know i'll stop now, after reading this.
    I hope to be wild someday sha (yes i know the world is ending, and Jesus's coming soon), but a girl's gotta wish right? 😀
    @miss_yo yes sister… may God be your strength.
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  17. Nwunye Adam
    Finally a post I can't relate to, to a large extent but in my case, the two of us understand that it's normal/expected to be sexually attracted to the one you want to spend forever with(1 Corinthians 7:8-9)… Especially when u've experienced sex first hand, u know how good it is, it takes a whole lot of discipline, grace and word in u to avoid it. Do we fall? Emphatically yes but we don't relax in it, we do all we can to avoid it and thankfully I'm not dealing with someone who wants me to choose between God and him… Otherwise his so called "godliness" has to be questioned. Am I judged by my past? Always. Am I bothered… No. I've learnt from the scriptures that God sees me in a different way and how God sees me is what matters… So I just bother about who I'm becoming in God's eyes… Which has me moving unto perfection everyday… I'm not even
    Struggling, when I fall, I get up and move on and everyone interested in this race must learn to do that… Never allow urself to veer completely of the road cos of guilt… Forget what u see in others, they answer to God… They all have weakness and I can't judge them for it jare… I love this color.
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  18. 'Dania
    Hey guys,

    Between my gadgets and internet service, I can’t tell which one exactly was trying to prevent me from replying coments all through yesterday. I think it’s a bit late to post individual replies so I’ll just do a blanket one.

    Thank you all so much for reading and taking the time out to leave a comment. I really, really appreciate it. Really. For me, one of the highest compliments I can get as a writer is being ‘relatable’ so I’m glad a lot of people get that with this piece.

    To those who didn’t think it as ‘colourful’ as the others:

    “Did you know that the term ‘beige’ originates from beige cloth, a cotton fabric left un-dyed in its natural colour? What this means is that of all of you, I’m the realest. I have no airs or graces about me…”

    🙂

    Oh and Sirkastiq needs to be caged. Dude has officially become a troll.

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  19. missA
    Sigh! I relate to this in its entirety. My ‘sins’ may not be as grave but to my judgemental self, it is, if not worse. I am getting there..but off-white, i gladly remain as it gives me the strength of character that is me, and keeps me real.
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  20. @undefined
    …and I've finally just been able to reply to this post…beauitful! It brought tears to my eyes, not just because I could relate, but because I'm still struggling, just like she is! A beautiful post, a job well done!
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