I miss you. Again.
I wonder if you think about me
Now that you’re out there on your own
You make it seem so easy
I wanna be just like you.
Yuna – ‘Used to love you’
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be an addict. They go to rehab and vow to never drink again. They understand why it is bad for them to do drugs but logic escapes them.
Reason escapes me.
Yesterday was worse. Today is better. Yesterday I wanted to cry, not because I was missing you but because I was missing you. Confused? Me too. What I’m saying is, yes, I miss you. But what makes me sad isn’t missing you. I’m sad because it frustrates me that I miss you. I just want to let go. But then I have days when I don’t want to let go. Days when I don’t want to move on. Days when I imagine you calling me, telling me you miss me. And I give myself hope. Which is stupid.
A year and three months of being together not once did you say your feelings first. You never missed me first. Maybe once. Of course you said you know how to feel even if you didn’t believe in love. I love you. I keep telling myself these feelings I have are unnecessary and ridiculous but here I am. Having more conversations with myself because I can’t tell you. I wish you knew. I wish you’ll never know. Forever contradicting myself. I wish you knew. But I can’t tell you because you’re not someone who understands what it is to have lingering feelings. You’re not someone who understands feelings.
Is that harsh? Maybe you do understand you just didn’t have them for me. I wasn’t enough? I wasn’t enough. A year and three months. You were honest with me. For the most part. I wasn’t honest with myself because I was trying to play it cool, to not feel too much, not fall too hard, I tried to be like you. I have no idea what happened because here I am, nearly four months after we broke up wishing you missed me. Pathetic. You make me feel pathetic. Or am I blaming the wrong person? I guess I make myself feel pathetic.
I was difficult for you. You who likes convenience, I know but, am I really not worthy to be missed? To be thought about? To regret letting go? Did I leave such a small impression on you? Did I not leave any impression at all? I keep wanting to tell you that we should try again but rather than try again I would like to start afresh but I want to start afresh with you. Pathetic. I miss you. I hate that I miss you. I hate that you don’t miss me. The one who loves more loses.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be an addict. Some days I’m good. I get that ‘the sky is the limit’ feeling. That ‘he’s just a guy’ feeling. That ‘we broke up for a valid reason’ feeling. Then there are days like yesterday. Like today. This feeling. This ‘I miss you” bullshit.
Sometimes I understand we were wrong for each other. Other times I know if we both listened and tried to understand each other we would still be together. Of course I can’t make the relationship work by myself, and that’s something I keep telling my heart but it won’t listen to my head. It seems I like to make shit complicated for myself.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be an addict. This constant struggle with what’s right versus what’s good. Reality versus emotions. Want versus need. And through it all, through all this mess of confusion and hurt I still want you back. To give it one more go but I can’t tell you. I always thought I’d regret the things I didn’t say more than the things I did but the fear of rejection won’t let the words I want to say reach your ears. After all, you rejected me once. I need to remember that. You rejected me. But I still miss you. And I think we can work.
This must be what it feels like to be an addict.