Maybe We Should Take It Slow

Opinion

I’m aware of the possibility of this ending, of we growing tired of us, of your piercing eyes no longer wanting to penetrate the barricades guarding my soul or of them penetrating, but no longer having that effect of making me feel wanted, like they normally do. I’m aware of the possibility of my exuberant laughter during our conversations, and everything I feel when I tell you I love you, fading as time passes, and vice versa too.

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We move speedily on this highway, my darling. Ain’t you a bit scared of this? Don’t you think we would crash sooner than expected? Ours is a road that isn’t tarred with convention and ideals, which is more reason we should be slower. Why then are we speeding?

My fear, Chi’m, perhaps, stems from seeing so many like this end so quickly. The only difference, this time, is that I’m aware of the possibility of this ending, of we growing tired of us, of your piercing eyes no longer wanting to penetrate the barricades guarding my soul or of them penetrating, but no longer having that effect of making me feel wanted, like they normally do. I’m aware of the possibility of my exuberant laughter during our conversations, and everything I feel when I tell you I love you, fading as time passes, and vice versa too. But no, I haven’t left yet. I haven’t considered shielding my heart. By writing this, I am putting it out there the more.

When I saw you on Monday, more charming and sweeter in person, I knew I’d do this again. Bare my heart. Tell you you are so beautiful, in every sense of the word. Tell you your laughter, the one with so much abandonment, the one you burst into when I said, “Have sense, Chi’m,” has been on replay in my mind. Tell you making you laugh could be a full time job for me, one I’d do only if the pay was your gaze, when you weren’t laughing. But, you make doing this fun—baring my heart. You make being real a lighter burden to carry.

Nonetheless, Chi’m, there’s a battle going on in my head. Like you often imply, feelings are transient. All these mushy feelings are just that: feelings, transient. What would remain are the remarkable things we help each other do and the remarkable people we may be able to help each other become. If it’ll end soon, why not make it worth it? Why not offer more than a string of words impressed by emotions? Why not make the other person stronger?

These questions are largely for me as you seem to in many ways have fulfilled your own end of the bargain. Was there even a bargain? Well, you get my point. I’d really love to be one person you could look back to ten years from now, and say “She helped me.” As cliché as it sounds, I want to be a part of your success story. And the truth is when I really think about it, I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if my motive is selfish: to give just so I could affirm my goodness by being good to you, or if its selfless. Because, I just love you and wouldn’t even mind you forgetting that I was there for you.

Or, maybe I just feel the need to give back. I mean, the ability to think dynamically that you brought to my life is one I probably would never have encountered. I’m conflicted, Chi’m. But I know I want to do more than talk to you hours upon hours. I want to be the spark that ignites another flame in you.

Maybe if this friendship—or relationship or whatever it is—is paced and based on helping each other become better, it would last longer. After all, to a large extent, we would always individually want to be better, and so we’ll naturally fall back to the people that make us so.

As usual, I don’t know.

 

Responses

  1. ADEYINKA
    I read this made a call I’ve be holding out on for the past week. Cos honestly, everything dies (some say love don’t ???) but while we are here and the embers glow, we might as well forge something…something worth remembering. Maybe it ‘ll even save us.
    Gracias @ibiagbani for this beautiful one.
  2. Ibiagbani Post author
    I’m beyond happy this post was able to do that. May we always find the strength to hold unto the things/people we find worthy of our grip regardless of life’s occurrences that may try to snatch them from us. 💜💜
  3. Me
    I think now, that despite our differences, love (more often than not, in many ways than one), makes us the same. I remember feeling this way before, being plagued with riotous thoughts about the one I loved and what we had going… I was afraid it will end soon, and never failed to prepare for its end, because somehow I had made myself believe that forever did not exist (and maybe it doesn’t). It is easy to pre-occupy one’s mind with what will/might be, rather than revel in the pleasure of what is, and it wears us down and steals our joys. Love lasts for as long as it does, and we will indeed be lucky if we allowed ourselves be, fully, completely in love– so that we would give even without being asked, learn without being coerced, and become more of ourselves than we ever imagined we could.

    I think it is natural that we rub off on each other in relationships, and it is also natural to fear not giving as much as we are receiving, or fear being forgotten. Once, someone told me he was afraid I would forget him, and I remember thinking how selfish that sounded… but thinking now, I think it was hardly borne out of selfishness, but rather from the part of every human that hopes to have touched something indelibly. We all want to matter, and know that we matter(ed). In a way, it is what we consider our prize for being.

    This is a beautiful piece. I found glory in the messiness of your scrambled thoughts. Thank you Mercy. <3

  4. Ibiagbani Post author
    The desire to matter, to leave a bit of us with the ones we love is sometimes what causes us to outdo ourselves, go out of our way and offer ourselves. From this desire, this ‘selfishness’, a selfless love is often birthed. And selflessness, regardless of its origin is always more than enough. 💜💝

    Thank you, Me, for reading and dropping this thought provoking comment.

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