Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that all we do now is have sex. I don’t mind it, because it’s always nice. But I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss discovering and doing new things with you.
We promised each other that we wouldn’t be just about sex. We talked about life and love and we made future plans. We used to go out a lot; to new places, to old haunts, to friends’ houses, to church even. But all of that has changed now. When you see me, you want to grope me. I’m trying to make conversation and you’re trying to kiss me. I’m trying to avoid your lips and you’re squeezing my breasts – my traitor breasts. You know that once you touch them, I can barely resist, and you use this to your advantage. Every. Single. Time.
I know it means that you love my body. You say it all the time. And honestly, I’m flattered. But I want you to want me for more than my body. I don’t want to become just a physical distraction. I want to be someone you share your life with, not just your body. I want you to pour your heart out to me, not just your seed. I want to mean more to you than a warm bed.
You used to call me a million times every day. You still call me now, but not a million times. I can now count on one hand how many times you speak to me during the day. Our conversations have gotten shorter and shorter. The quiet pauses have become longer and longer. And that’s not all, they’ve become awkward too. I feel like you’re starting to get bored with me, and I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you. I miss the man who made me laugh all the time with his silly jokes. I miss the man who would drive by my office just because he wanted to see me for five minutes. I want that again.
So, perhaps if we take a sexual break, we can get that again. Maybe a sexual break will help us rediscover those things that we have in common, those things that brought us together in the first place. I don’t want to get to a point where I refuse to have sex with you – I never want to be that girl who denies her man. But this is really important to me, so I would really love for you to understand what I’m asking and to work with me on it. I promise it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I promise it will even help us get closer, which is a great thing.
I know sex is an important part of our relationship. And you are a virile man. I blush just thinking about how virile you are. But we used to cuddle a lot afterwards. We used to talk too; soft, quiet conversations. Now though, you roll away the minute we’re done, and you put a hand over your eyes, so I can’t even see what you’re thinking. Sometimes, you start to snore even and I’m left all by myself with my thoughts, wondering what’s happening to us.
I don’t think you’re sleeping with someone else. But I’m worried that you’re talking with someone else; that you’re getting your emotional ‘fix’ from a different source. And with things like that, it’s only a matter of time before it moves into the physical. I don’t want to believe that you have stopped loving me. The few times I get to look in your eyes these days, I see it still. And that’s what gives me the courage to ask this of you. Please sweetie, let us reconnect. If we go on like this, we’ll drift apart. I’d stop coming by to visit because I’d start to feel used. You’ll start to think I don’t want to be with you anymore and you’d stop caring. And that will be the end of this beautiful thing that we have.
Please don’t push me away when you hear this. Don’t become distant. Don’t punish me for trying to help us be a better couple. Don’t pick a fight. I’m not trying to be stubborn. I’m not trying to use your love for my body against you. I’m not being manipulative. I just want us to be happy; to be happier really. I hope you do to.
*I wrote this in first person because I thought it might be more relate-able. There are lots of ladies out there who are in relationships that have become overly physical and they can’t seem to get out of the rut. It can be scary to contemplate having such a conversation with your boyfriend, especially one with whom you have been for a good amount of time. It is almost always certain that the guy will take such a request out of context and maybe even move on to someone else, someone with less ‘drama’. My rule of thumb is speak your mind, always. Humans are not mind readers, men especially. If you don’t talk about what’s bothering you, he won’t know. And in speaking about it, you might find out what’s bothering him. All in all, it’s a better place to be. If you’re afraid to lose him, then this is also a good way to find out if he’s afraid to lose you. And if he’s not afraid to lose you, then he probably has options and you have no business making him your priority. Self-respect and self-love are cultivated through strength of will. The more assertive you are, the less influenced you are by people, and the more they respect you.
Please share your experience, if you’ve been in a similar situation. You might be helping someone become more assertive and learn how to love themselves more.