Dear Boyfriend, I Don’t Want To Have Sex Anymore…

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Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that all we do now is have sex. I don’t mind it, because it’s always nice. But I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss discovering and doing new things with you. We promised each…

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Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s just that all we do now is have sex. I don’t mind it, because it’s always nice. But I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss discovering and doing new things with you.

We promised each other that we wouldn’t be just about sex. We talked about life and love and we made future plans. We used to go out a lot; to new places, to old haunts, to friends’ houses, to church even. But all of that has changed now. When you see me, you want to grope me. I’m trying to make conversation and you’re trying to kiss me. I’m trying to avoid your lips and you’re squeezing my breasts – my traitor breasts. You know that once you touch them, I can barely resist, and you use this to your advantage. Every. Single. Time.

I know it means that you love my body. You say it all the time. And honestly, I’m flattered. But I want you to want me for more than my body. I don’t want to become just a physical distraction. I want to be someone you share your life with, not just your body. I want you to pour your heart out to me, not just your seed. I want to mean more to you than a warm bed.

You used to call me a million times every day. You still call me now, but not a million times. I can now count on one hand how many times you speak to me during the day. Our conversations have gotten shorter and shorter. The quiet pauses have become longer and longer. And that’s not all, they’ve become awkward too. I feel like you’re starting to get bored with me, and I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you. I miss the man who made me laugh all the time with his silly jokes. I miss the man who would drive by my office just because he wanted to see me for five minutes. I want that again.

So, perhaps if we take a sexual break, we can get that again. Maybe a sexual break will help us rediscover those things that we have in common, those things that brought us together in the first place. I don’t want to get to a point where I refuse to have sex with you – I never want to be that girl who denies her man. But this is really important to me, so I would really love for you to understand what I’m asking and to work with me on it. I promise it doesn’t mean I love you any less. I promise it will even help us get closer, which is a great thing.

I know sex is an important part of our relationship. And you are a virile man. I blush just thinking about how virile you are. But we used to cuddle a lot afterwards. We used to talk too; soft, quiet conversations. Now though, you roll away the minute we’re done, and you put a hand over your eyes, so I can’t even see what you’re thinking. Sometimes, you start to snore even and I’m left all by myself with my thoughts, wondering what’s happening to us.

I don’t think you’re sleeping with someone else. But I’m worried that you’re talking with someone else; that you’re getting your emotional ‘fix’ from a different source. And with things like that, it’s only a matter of time before it moves into the physical. I don’t want to believe that you have stopped loving me. The few times I get to look in your eyes these days, I see it still. And that’s what gives me the courage to ask this of you. Please sweetie, let us reconnect. If we go on like this, we’ll drift apart. I’d stop coming by to visit because I’d start to feel used. You’ll start to think I don’t want to be with you anymore and you’d stop caring. And that will be the end of this beautiful thing that we have.

Please don’t push me away when you hear this. Don’t become distant. Don’t punish me for trying to help us be a better couple. Don’t pick a fight. I’m not trying to be stubborn. I’m not trying to use your love for my body against you. I’m not being manipulative. I just want us to be happy; to be happier really. I hope you do to.

*I wrote this in first person because I thought it might be more relate-able. There are lots of ladies out there who are in relationships that have become overly physical and they can’t seem to get out of the rut. It can be scary to contemplate having such a conversation with your boyfriend, especially one with whom you have been for a good amount of time. It is almost always certain that the guy will take such a request out of context and maybe even move on to someone else, someone with less ‘drama’. My rule of thumb is speak your mind, always. Humans are not mind readers, men especially. If you don’t talk about what’s bothering you, he won’t know. And in speaking about it, you might find out what’s bothering him. All in all, it’s a better place to be. If you’re afraid to lose him, then this is also a good way to find out if he’s afraid to lose you. And if he’s not afraid to lose you, then he probably has options and you have no business making him your priority. Self-respect and self-love are cultivated through strength of will. The more assertive you are, the less influenced you are by people, and the more they respect you.

Please share your experience, if you’ve been in a similar situation. You might be helping someone become more assertive and learn how to love themselves more.

Responses

  1. Ufuomaee
    Hi Miss O,

    I liked this post for so many reasons. I smiled a lot reading it. It is soooo relate-able, and captures a lot of the reasons why it is better to keep sex for marriage – which is the fundamental reason I ultimately disagree with the post in the end. But I think a lot of women who are sexually active in their relationships can relate. If you will follow love and wisdom, you will be right where you ought to be.

    By the way, I didn’t mean to cancel our friendship. Please accept my request 🙂

    Cheers, Ufuoma.

    1. great dee
      Ahh ufuoma, maybe i am not getting the message u are passing. But ahhh u disagree cos the post captures lots of reasons y sex should be left for marriage. U write alot of christian articles on this blog but u disagree with the post. Hmmmm im confused. Christianity these days tho
      1. Ufuomaee
        Hi Great Dee,

        You definitely missed my message somewhere. I don’t know how you managed that. I’m glad the authour could understand exactly what I am saying.

        I don’t disagree because the post captures lots of reasons why sex should be left for marriage…I said that was why I liked the post. I disagree because the premise of the post is based on those who have pre-marital sex, and the counsel in the post is not that pre-marital sex is wrong, but that they should take a break from it, which means, they can return to it, when they think they have regained their connection. It isn’t a Christian message or counsel, hence my disagreement. But I appreciate the post, none the less.

        Cheers, Ufuoma.

        1. Uche
          But even in marriage this is also a thing yes? To me it’s even worse because unlike a relationship that you can walk away from, you can’t walk away from a marriage
          1. Ufuomaee
            Hi Uche,

            Yes, this also happens in marriage. Marriage is where people are supposed to be sexually active, and where intimacy is supposed to grow and thrive. We can address these issues safely in marriage, without fear that the person will decide to quit the relationship…because in marriage, we have commitment, and legal and community support for the relationship. The husband won’t feel that the woman is trying to trap him or control him, because SHE ALREADY HAS HIM. They are simply communicating about growing in intimacy. And in marriage, sex never needs to be off the table (also because you already know that it is more than a sexual relationship)….you just need to be more outspoken about your other needs being met 🙂

            Sincerely, Ufuoma.

    2. MissO Post author
      Thanks Ufuoma. I agree with u on the sex only after marriage thing and I always encourage people to do without cos it makes for much richer relationships. But there are a lot of people who have already crossed that ‘bridge’. I’m hoping that this helps them understand that they are not doomed to continue and that they can speak about it (and stop it) if it bothers them. Where there is love, such a conversation can happen and yield beautiful results.
        1. Woyi_Oc
          I had this thought “Hmmm….some things in this post remind me of what Ufuomaee said about the safety of sex in marriage…blah blah blah. ”

          Also I’ve been using the phrase “in the safety of marriage” a lot, recently. Cuz’ I honestly understand where you coming from with that.

          1. Ufuomaee
            Ummm… it’s nice to be understand. Also glad to know you are reading (listening to) what I am saying… Thanks 🙂 Are you following the Broken series?
    3. Olamide
      Sorry, but I have to say you miss the point on this one. The point here is not pre-marital sex per say. The point here is that the relationship has become all about sex, no more being lovey dovey saying sweet nothings in each others ears. They’ve become too comfortable with each other that they forget to put in the effort they used to put in at the beginning. I’m all for no sex before marriage and all, but don’t get it twisted ma, this can happen in a marriage too.
      1. Ufuomaee
        Hi Olamide,

        I totally get the point of the post. If you read my comment, you would get that. I enjoyed reading it and I actually LIKED it. The fact that I disagree with the fundamental message, passed across, doesn’t mean that I didn’t think there were great lessons in it.

        And yes, the lessons apply in marriage too… However, in marriage is where you can safely address these issues with your spouse, because of that wonderful word called “commitment”. And if you had abstained from sex before marriage, then I reckon, you would appreciate sex more after, and also have a RICHER relationship, as the Authour mentioned in response to my comment.

        The reason for my objection is that the post still condones pre-marital sex, because it is normalised and the message that it is OK, as long as we keep up with the other things, is loud and clear. Even if that wasn’t her intention, I am also sure her intention was not to tell people they shouldn’t have sex before marriage, because the guy will start to take their body for granted. If she had said so explicitly, then I would have LOVED the post.

        Cheers, Ufuoma.

          1. Ufuomaee
            Hi Chris,

            I hardly think I presented an argument. I am really trying to understand why you are all jumping on my comment, instead of making your own comments, and enjoying the post! I actually said I liked it. Is it a surprise if I disagree with anything that condones sexual immorality, since I profess to be a Christian and teach strongly against it?

            So you felt this post is actually promoting abstinence til marriage… What exactly led you to believe that? Was there any reference to marriage once?

            Anyway… I really shouldn’t be surprised. I gave an honest feedback, and the person I intended to receive the feedback understood me. I guess that’s all that matters. I don’t intend to be drawn into an argument about what the post actually teaches. We all know what it is saying…

            Sincerely, Ufuoma.

  2. Fola
    Nice piece.
    However, it is really difficult to stop sex once it starts in a relationship not because it’s so ‘sweet’ but because a relationship is an arrangement with an agreement between two people and once one party makes a decision outside the agreed arrangement, things fall apart. But like you said communication is key so you’d have to recommunicate to agree again which isn’t exactly an easy task because you’d have to convince the other party why or why not and why he/she must subscribe to your new pattern. I can so relate to this because I wish I made different decisions but moving on…frankly, I believe to avoid stories that touch (see piece above… Lol), like @ufuomaee mentioned sex after marriage is better.
  3. ezzy
    I am a guy and honestly I’m guilty as charged especially with the breast ish *lol* if I can suck her boobs then we’ll have sex so that’s my greatest challenge. yeah I know it sucks but a man has need. nice tho I’ll try to be better
  4. Slim
    This situation can and does happen within marriage. We should probably not confuse the topic with the issue of premarital sex.

    I do think it highlights the need for couples to be good friends first before the sex complication.

    Very relatable. Well done for mission accomplished.

  5. Arome
    very interesting piece. i and my wife fell into a similar condition before we got married. i must state that we started kissing in jss1 and went all the way in ss1. its just a mad attraction, sometimes it wanes and other times, for reasons i dont know, it comes back again full and heady, yet there are times when it seems like we barely talk… dry spells of seeming emotional detachment.. we have sex quite alright and its really good but we just wont be talking or playing much. the longest period we had that was for about three months, she had just resumed work after maternity leave… Now, having been with her for such a long period of time, i have begun to see this periods as the time when we kind of learn to speak to each other telepathically. its this periods that you really get to understand how deeply you love each other, how comfortable silence can be etc… i know the silence may feel akwad now but dont worry, you will get past that.. anytime u want the exitement back, you just take it, offer to take him out on a lunch date or tell him you really want to see a movie..
  6. tomatoes
    Will a break really bring back the talking magic, though? I think it’d be a mistake. Clearly she doesn’t have a problem with sex. She misses the emotional connection. Why not have a conversation about that and see how it can be made to return? They can’t be having sex 24/7 but he’s still not talking and paying attention to her the rest of the time. Using sex as a bargaining tool leads to very dangerous places. Have the real convo in a mature and honest manner. If he still doesn’t change take your bag and be going. Life ain’t that long.
    1. Abinibi Jones
      To be honest, from a man’s perspective, I think even though sex is important, its probably the least awesome of gifts that can be given or received in a loving relationship between two people. In my opinion, as a society we bend over backward to collectively over-rate sex. I agree with Tomatoes that using sex as a bargaining tool kinda cheapens the whole thing like, using this instance,sex is NOT the issue, there is a disconnect that needs to be talked out, emoted out, worked out.
      I would probably react badly to this simply because it feels like an ultimatum or stand-off, there’s almost an assumption of a lack of control or reasoning, an inability that I would understand and be willing to work on this disconnect without this “punishment”. I probably feel the same things you do… Lets just talk, meet mentally on equal terms, don’t threaten to do something… Lol.
  7. OluGt
    A boyfriend who eventually has just sex with you, especially if he’s the one who always initiates it, and doing virtually none or much less of other way-forward stuff with you, is a suspect of cunningness. Sex may have been his ultimate long-term goal. The girl’s gotta watch out unless she has the same goal.

    Sex is not everything, even though it mostly really helps the bonding.

    1. Sonachi
      Hi OluGt,

      Coming from the pre-marital sex angle, please permit me to say that sex in no way helps healthy bonding between the duo involved. It does more harm than good. I hope you’ll understand this.

      Cheers

      1. OluGt
        When I’m here, I don’t like to derive my perspectives from my religious belief.
        So, as regards sex, whether premarital or not, anyone who doesn’t enjoy sex has a challenge, psychological or whatever. Sex is definitely a bonding tool. Seek for help if you don’t enjoy sex.
        1. OluGt
          Additionally, women feel dominated during the act of sex but they don’t realize that it’s the non-feminist mindset, not realizing that the penis and vagina are like key and keyhole (hence, no superiority or inferiority…no dominance), etc. that give them the psychological challenge of not enjoying sex.

          So, become a feminist if you’re not. I hate to hear that sex does more harm than good. Simply get over your ignorance. BTW, I’m not implying you shouldn’t wait until marriage to have sex. I’m just letting you know that if you go on with that mindset of sex being more harmful than good, you will/may not feel differently in marriage.

  8. Uche
    Me I’m not against keeping yourself till marriage, I just don’t like how you people make it seem like it will be flowers and roses in marriage once we wait till we marry. And we know that’s not so.
    1. Sonachi
      Hi Uche,

      Have you tried marriage and it isn’t sweet for you? I’d like to say that many of us tend to accept the bad picture about a thing more than the beautiful picture. That’s because our minds, by default is easily misled by evil. Just as there are stories about failed marriages and divorces, there are stories about successful marriages and happy couples. We should therefore focus our minds on discovering how people end up having successful marriages rather than getting discouraged and building such thoughts as it can’t be flowers and roses in marriage. There will be challenges, yeah, because we’re human beings but if the marriage has the right foundation, the couple will fight through.
      I hope you’ll understand this.

      Cheers

  9. Jude
    perhaps things aren’t as rosy for him as it used to be. Disappointments, work place drama, family issues and stuffs like that can shot a man out emotionally.
    All the same he needs to talk, or if you know him well the handwriting is usually on the wall. You just have to look deep.
  10. Tessy
    Tears dropped as I read this,it got me thinking deeply.
    I wish they could understand this.This is the reason why people like me have decided to keep to themselves and be scared of love.
  11. Paula
    The article made it seem so easy and to be honest, if you have been sexually active in a relationship you’ll know it’s not that easy. You can’t just change the rules just like that, especially if that’s what’s left in the relationship. Instead of subtracting some more, add more. Seems to me like the author is depending on the guy for the romance in the relationship, what stops her from driving by his own work place and sending food to him to make him smile, what stops her from treating him special too, chatting him up during the day, calling him, asking him about his day planning a trip, date, etc. You can teach him, you can remind him, lots of guys get comfortable an forget to do these things but when you communicate and shoe them, they learn again. For all you know, he could be thinking the exact same thoughts, or he could be scared that when you push him away you don’t want him and that’s all that’s left. He could be scared of losing you and not know how to show it. Talk it out, if you want to abstain till marriage that’s a whole different ball game but cutting physical intimacy off could be detrimental and his attitude may worsen, not cos he doesn’t love you but cos he doesn’t just know what to do. My opinion.
  12. Abinibi Jones
    Oh and I’m not an advocate for pre-marital sex, but it irritates me how the advocates of post-marital sex seem to like to position this idea as the logically superior one. Get over yourselves please… and quickly.
    There are good and bad stories, there are happy couples that engaged in pre-marital sex, just like there are broken couples. Same for post-marital sex, there are couples that found it “sweet” and there are couples with egg-on-face.
    People need to not bring their religious beliefs and opinions in a conversation about emotions in a relationship between two people. Can you quit religiously patting yourself on the back for a few seconds and let us engage in a meaningful conversation?? The points you’re gunning for are really between you and God.
  13. Dami
    Maybe I’m new here on TNC. I’m quite impressed with everyone’s comment and how it didn’t result into any kind of silly argument.
    Thumbs up to the writer and and commenters also

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