Dear Efe, Am I A Slut?

Opinion

Hi Efe, I’m in my late 20s and I am the kind of girl guys tell ‘you are a take home to mama kinda girl’ but I hardly believe in fit into this stereotype I am not the good girl people think I am and I hate to think that I am pretending outwardly. For…

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Hi Efe,

I’m in my late 20s and I am the kind of girl guys tell ‘you are a take home to mama kinda girl’ but I hardly believe in fit into this stereotype

I am not the good girl people think I am and I hate to think that I am pretending outwardly. For instance, I have two boyfriends,

Boyfriend A is a guy with whom I have the most amazing conversations and chemistry with. Just met him and we leave in 2 different cities so no sex yet. But I sense the sex will be mind-blowing just going by our connection alone. But he is not the guy I will marry.

I have cheated with my boyfriend B a number of times and this is mostly when I meet a guy that makes my body tingle.

Am I a slut or what???

Em

 

Hello Em,

In my opinion, nobody is really a slut because the very idea of sluttiness is subjective in its self.

Sex and sexual fulfilment is a personal thing and should be compartmentalized from other facets of our lives. Just the same way being a christian does not automatically translate into being a good person.

First and foremost, chemistry can be deceiving, not everybody with whom we have great chemistry is great sexually. Secondly, mystery brings along with it, lust. When you mostly interact with somebody of the opposite sex with whom you are mostly unfamiliar, the ‘mysteriousness’ of this person coupled with our natural curiosity ignites lusts. The questions is, if you are in a stable relationship with boyfriend B, why are you available to ignite lust with other guys?

You’re not being pretentious if people see you as a prim and proper girl. If that is what you are, then that is what you are.

What you do in private is your business and the business of whomever you choose to do it with. It by no means you are fake.

Your inner you is separate & distinct from your outer you.  As long as morality continues to remain subjective, then there is no good or bad behaviour. Behaviours are just different from one another.

Efe

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Hello Efe

There’s this guy, we have feelings for each other. The problem is he’s in another relationship, though not up to a year. And he wants me to give him time to end things with his present girlfriend. A part of me really wants this but a part of me feels its wrong because I’m sure they’ve put a lot into their relationship and I don’t want to be a spoiler, cos I sincerely won’t want that to happen to me . I’m thinking, should I just tell him we have to move on with our lives or still wait for his present relationship to end?

Ijeoma

 

Hello Ijeoma,

Nice People finish last. Do you want to finish last?

Life is survival of the fittest. Are you the fittest? Do you want to survive?

“…a part of me feels its wrong because I’m sure they’ve put a lot into their relationship and I don’t want to be a spoiler, cos I sincerely won’t want that to happen to me.”

If his current girlfriend is the best thing that has happened to him, then he would not even be considering being with you. And same thing can happen to you irrespective of whether you do it to somebody else or not.

Unless there is a ring on the finger, everybody is fair game but only as long as you aren’t ending somebody’s relationship simply to have a fling with their partners.

-Efe

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Hello Efe,

After a three year affair with a married man I am now married. But my married boyfriend had promised to marry me but it did not happen. I loved him and I am angry. Now as a wife myself, I am thinking should I tell his wife?  I am angry that promises were not kept and now I feel sorry for the unsuspecting wife.  She has been lied to and could be again.  Also, should I apologize to the unsuspecting wife now that my affair with her husband is over?

Ehi

 

 Hello Ehi,

For three years you weren’t sorry for the wife, and you still aren’t.  You are sorry for yourself, and you are mad.  There is no honor among thieves or liars.  There was no reason for you to give weight to the words of an unfaithful man, just as there was no reason for him to give weight to your virtue.  Neither of you is entitled to promises made.

Human behavior is full of mysteries.  One of them is why a person will watch another lie to others and not believe they will lie to them.

Efe

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Hello Efe,

A few years ago I dated a guy for several months. He dumped me for someone else without warning and without telling me he was seeing others. Nonetheless, we remained friends, or so I thought. He even introduced me to my husband, who is his first cousin.

Over the course of the last few years it became obvious this particular ex was using and manipulating me while we dated. There were red flags I didn’t recognize. It took a long time to piece things together, most of it only clicking with me after I got married.

When I saw him, first hand, treat his fiancée far worse than I’ve ever seen anyone treat their significant other. My husband doesn’t like his cousin and I don’t either. But he is his cousin and we are always running into him at family functions and it makes both of us uncomfortable. I am tempted to call him out in front of my in laws because but I don’t know if I will be the one that will lose out.

Comfort

 

Hello Comfort,

First and foremost, family members are unlikely to acknowledge this cousin’s behaviour, in part because their point of view is different and also in part because of some shared DNA. Outing him will make you look like a destroyer of happiness. Families don’t like that, wife or not, you are an outsider to them.

If you really can’t stand this ex, then as much as possible avoid going to all family functions and simply stick to the ones that are really important.

Efe

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Are you heart broken? Depressed? Upset? And a place to write and let it off your chest?

Ranting anonymously on my Naked Wall is very welcomed.

Are you pissed at someone? Yourself? The world?

Or do you simply need to tell your story to relieve some pain in your heart?

You’re welcome to the Naked Wall.

Send an email to saturdayconvos[at]thenakedconvos[dot]com and I will treat it discretely.

Responses

  1. Jeanne
    ‘I am not the good girl people think I am
    and I hate to think that I am pretending
    outwardly. For instance, I have two
    boyfriends,’

    ‘I have cheated with my boyfriend B a
    number of times and this is mostly when
    I meet a guy that makes my body tingle.
    Am I a slut or what???’

    My dear, you are what you think. And if you had thought that you’re doing the right thing, this mail would never have been written.

    Ijeoma, if your gut feeling says no, then don’t do it, regardless of what society thinks.

    Ehi, Efe has said it all. You’re still stuck on your anger and bitterness over being treated the way you were. Set your self free,and move on.

    Hii Comfort, yeah, take Efe’s advice. Looking at it critically, if you both never had a history, you wouldn’t have this urge to call him out. Please face your marriage, and avoid family wahala.
    9 times out of 10, stuff like this backfires.

  2. Panadus
    Hi Efe,

    In your bid to sound non-judgmental, it seems you’ve given Em some unbalanced advice. Sometimes being politically correct is harmful. Learn to call a spade a spade

  3. Kad
    Hiii Efe “Just same way being a christian does not automatically translate into being a good person” I totally disagree with this, maybe you should have said “claiming to be” ‘cos if I am Christ-like then it should translate to being good.

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