Dear Efe, How Do I Tell My Boyfriend He’s Bad In Bed?

Hello Efe, I dated a guy for about a year. We have an amazing relationship but admittedly I think we took things too fast, which is why the relationship ended the way it did. Two months ago we broke up. It was my decision to break up, because he had done something I’d asked him/warned…

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Hello Efe,

I dated a guy for about a year. We have an amazing relationship but admittedly I think we took things too fast, which is why the relationship ended the way it did. Two months ago we broke up. It was my decision to break up, because he had done something I’d asked him/warned him not to do, and I caught him doing it a second time.

Since the breakup and after six weeks of almost no contact, we got talking again. I told him despite what he had done, I still had feelings for him, and asked if he wanted to try to work things out.

His response was, “There is a lot I miss about us, I will admit that but I made the decision not to try again, and it is what it is.” In the same breath he went on to say, “But I cannot stop thinking about the sex.” Then he started descriptively naming the things he missed about me, my body and our sex life.

I miss him a lot and the sex was awesome as well, so I told him that if that’s all we could do, then I was down with it. But the more I think about it, the more I get scared to go through with it. I want a real relationship and I believe that he does miss me. He’s just unable to commit right now.

Keeping my self-worth and hope in mind, what is the best thing for me to do?

He talks a big game over text messages, but any time I’ve been in front of him, he has crumbled and confessed life sucks without me and he comes crawling back. Do I sleep with him? I have been holding out thus far. If a relationship is what I want with him, what is the absolute best way for me to play my cards? Is it okay for me to tell him I’ve changed my mind about a strictly sexual relationship because my feelings for him are still too strong? Will that better the chances of him pursuing the chase?

Oma

 

Hello Oma,

You broke up with him. That should have been the end of it. You warned him and you caught him twice. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t have risked losing you.

He thinks you aren’t worthy of respect, so much so he even told you so. He told you he would only be willing to get together if you are willing to perform specific sex acts he is interested in. He doesn’t treat you like a person. He treats you like an object.

But instead of hanging up on him, you agreed to come back to him literally on your knees. You think he crumbles when he sees you in person, not true, he is simply employing a manipulative move.

Our body/physical appearance is the least of who we are. It can disappear in an instant. What you are yearning for is the thing, the one word, which does not appear in your letter. Love.

How do you find your right one when you refuse to listen when this man unequivocally tells you, you are not his right one? Perhaps this lesson can be learned only when reality hits you and your self-esteem debilitates.

Efe

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Hello Efe,

I am a girl and 23 years old and have only dated 2 guys. And by dating I mean sexually as well because I don’t do hook ups. The guy I am currently dating is really bad in bed but he is great in everything else. Apart from the sex thing, this would have been a dream relationship. My friends think I should marry him already. If only they knew.

I lost my virginity to my last boyfriend and we dated for over 3 years. During that time, I learnt a lot about myself and how to enjoy sex. My ex was quite experienced and patient, he encouraged me to grow sexually. As a matter of fact it was a rude shock with this guy when I didn’t orgasm the first, second or third time. I swear he does not last 3 minutes, I am like how can you be this selfish?

I am low key passive aggressive for the rest of the day whenever we have sex.

How do I tell this guy he is bad in bed?

Maureen

 

Hello Maureen,

You can start by encouraging open and honest communication with him. Tell him the things that you like. Tell him, or better yet show him, what kind of things he should do. You want him to give you oral, instead of diving right in? Tell him that. You want him to do certain things with his tongue while he’s down there? Tell him those things.

Very few people are truly awful at sex. Instead, what’s usually the case is that people are too afraid to tell their partners what they want, and so they get stuck with a partner who isn’t satisfying them properly. And partners who assume everything is fine sexually. You want him to stop giving you bad sex? Tell him what works for you instead, and you’re much more likely to get good sex.

It isn’t effective to say your partner sucks in bed, without looking at your own role in bed. If you feel he sucks and you let him stuck in bed without even trying to teach him what it would take for him to be better, you suck as well in bed. Harsh, but you have a responsibility here as well.

For example, if you fake an orgasm every time, what you are communicating is ‘look you are great, you give me orgasms!’ By showing, or helping him, to perform better, you minimize conversations that focus on sexual performance. Teaching, showing your partner things in bed is fun for the both of you and it will enhance your bed experiences.

However, note that sexual performance is touchy issue with people so you should approach the ‘showing’ with tact. Communication about sexual performance tend to be less tense if done during sex itself. Telling your partner to touch you somewhere or to do more of something is during sex is less clumsy when it is not during sex. Afterwards, you can talk about it in a fun way and I really loved it when you did blab la bla….I would like you to do more of it.

Efe

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Responses

  1. Elena
    I do not know, I think that’s right, but it seems that a six-week break in a relationship too much. And a real relationship, it is difficult to be resumed … But who knows …

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