Hello Efe,

Please explain this to me.

I was recently engaged to a wonderful guy with whom I had the closest of spiritual, mental and physical connections. He was the man I dreamed of my whole life.

Suddenly he turned on me and called off the engagement because, he claimed, he was tired of my insecurities. I look back at relationships I’ve had and they all have the same pattern. I meet someone special, he is as keen as mustard and wants to marry me.

I give my love totally and accept him without wanting him to change in any way. Halfway, he has a change of heart and runs from me. Recently I spoke to an ex and asked why he also ran from me. He said I give so completely he got scared and ran. He says he now regrets it.

I look back to all  my exes and they all did the same thing, usually within two years of the relationship. These guys say I changed, and maybe I did, but only because I sensed them cooling off and it tripped my insecurities.

Why can’t these guys accept my love for what it is? Instead they try to change it to suit their own way of thinking

If I meet someone again, I would like to know how to handle things without being hurt. I still love my ex and am hurting like crazy. I tried to reconcile with him but he didn’t want to listen.

Ulo

 

Hello Ulo,

If all your exes have left you in the same way, what are the odds that it’s you, not them? Two years into a relationship there is a cooling off and people start acting normal and familiar with each other.

The problem is you are a firehose of love and you expect a constant response back. But every night is not your wedding night. At some point the that exciting new car smell fades. That doesn’t make you love the car less. The car is still a very important part of your life.

Once your man settles in and gets past the first wave of love energy, your insecurities appear because you want the first flush to continue forever.

I’ve got this outpouring of love, why can’t they accept it? That’s your story. They think, we can’t spend every day like we are on our first date. The impracticality of that is staggering.

Most men can take as much fawning over as a woman can give. But you are asking for something they cannot give, and they can’t take it anymore. They aren’t saying no to the firehose of love, they are saying no to the constant neediness that comes with it and they can never satisfy it.

Efe

 

Hello Efe,

I need some advice.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this girl I met on Facebook and we hit it off pretty well.  I like her, she likes me, and we share the same interests.  But after our last date the subject of sex came up, and she said she’s saving herself for marriage.

That threw me because I’m attracted to her and hoped our relationship would eventually reach that level, though I don’t feel ready for the responsibility of marriage.  I don’t want to push her into anything, but I’m scared of being in a relationship where my values clash with hers.  If I’m having second thoughts like this, does it mean we’re not right for each other?

Nnamdi

 

Hello Nnamdi,

No deal.  You get to have sex with women you have no intention of marrying.  What goes on south of your belt buckle is not a value; it’s a goal.  Her desire to be chaste until marriage is more than a goal; it’s a value.

You are willing to take everything she has to offer, but what are you offering her?  Nothing.  So what is left for the man who is willing to marry her?  If you have nothing to give her, direct your attentions elsewhere.  You’ve come across a woman who prizes herself above your urges

Efe

 

Hello Efe,

A few days ago, I visited an old friend, and as usual, we got into the “how have you been, what have you been up to” gist and all. From there, he got a bit emotional and physical but “nothing could happen”…

I lost my virginity about 2years ago, I was dating this guy whom I loved so much and although I was the “wait till marriage kinda person” I was freaking curious and “wanted more” so I went for it. However it wasn’t as great as I imagined. All the times we had sex, I was wet but I wasn’t “there”, and thus I consciously faked the pleasure, thinking I’d get close enough to feeling the real thing. This happened about 7/8 times and not once did I have an orgasm.
We talked about it but unfortunately, some other random issues came up and we split before we could try to work things out.

The old friend (I referred to earlier) helped through the post breakup trauma and we became very good friends. We (with some other friends) went out one day and it was too late for some of us to go back home so we crashed at his place.

He and I didn’t sleep, we talked till very late and he made his first physical move ever. It felt strange because we talked about “us” and decided never to go beyond friends. Anyways, things got pretty heated but I noticed the same thing that happened with my ex…I couldn’t feel anything, I could see the passion and he said he could swear I felt something( I got to know this later that day when we talked about what happened and why I left). Well, I stopped him before he got any further and left.
I got thinking though but I couldn’t answer the different questions I had.
the same thing happened again on my last visit few days ago and I was going to let him go all the way but then It wouldn’t have been fair to me.

Is it impossible to shut my active mind out and just feel what I am supposed to feel?
Did they both make the same mistakes?(I doubt this cos they are both different)
Could it be that things didn’t go “well” cos there was no emotional attachment? (NO, I loved my ex)
Do I dislike sex? I get turned on and really want to get down when I read stuffs or when I’m on d phone and the “other person” tells me what he wants to do with/to me (this happened a lot with my ex). But once I’m doing it…I know I am but I don’t feel it enough to go further.

HELP!!

A.

 

Hello A,

Sex is both an emotional and physical activity. However, the intensity of emotional and/or physical involvement in a sexual activity (or activities) varies according to mood, the environment, the persons involved and the relationship between the two people. What I sense from you is that although you say you lost your virginity willingly, the willingness you speak about was actually you buckling under pressure. Hence, you are physically ready but still emotionally guarded.

In most cases, a girl’s first time is barely ever pleasant as well as the next couple of times. It takes a lot of patience, maturity and experience on the part of her lover to make her relax physically and emotionally. It also requires willingness on the girl’s part to relax, curious and open-minded.

No two guys are the same sexually, neither are any two girls the same either.

Some girls become more relaxed sexually by discovering for themselves how their bodies and mind needs sexuality. Masturbation plays a big role here, it helps you discover what parts of your body gives you (or intensifies) sexual pleasure for you. It is not likely you hate sex; it is possible both guys were immature and inexperienced sexually. Sex is a two-way street, unfortunately most guys treat it like a one way street, sadly some girls encourage this behavior as well. Sex is not something you ‘serve’ to a guy, It is an experience to be experienced and enjoyed by two parties to fulfill their hunger.

Efe

 

*********************

*********************

Are you heart broken? Depressed? Upset? And a place to write and let it off your chest?

Ranting anonymously on my Naked Wall is very welcomed.

Are you pissed at someone? Yourself? The world?

Or do you simply need to tell your story to relieve some pain in your heart?

You’re welcome to the Naked Wall.

Send an email to saturdayconvos[at]thenakedconvos[dot]com and I will treat it discretely.

Are you heart broken? Depressed? Upset? And a place to write and let it off your chest?

Ranting anonymously on my Naked Wall is very welcomed.

Are you pissed at someone? Yourself? The world?

Or do you simply need to tell your story to relieve some pain in your heart?

You’re welcome to the Naked Wall.

Send an email to saturdayconvos[at]thenakedconvos[dot]com and I will treat it discretely.

Responses

  1. D.K
    The fact that she said she is saving it for marriage may not necessarily mean she wants to marry now. All she might be saying is, “I’m not having sex until i marry” which could be now or in a few years.
    I just need you to understand that.
    7+
  2. Andronicus
    It’s easy. If you really like her, just enjoy being with her and let her enjoy being with you.

    If you can’t do relationships without sex, let her know politely and leave. No need to waste each other’s time. I don’t believe in one soul mate for everybody.

    Who knows, when you are ready for marriage, your paths may meet again.

    4+
  3. Larz
    A sounds so inexperienced that I can’t help but question if she is ready for sex. By immature, I don’t mean age but I mean readiness.
    0
  4. Olushola
    My thoughts on Efe’s replies.

    Reply 1 : Wow! So spot on….
    Reply 2 : LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can imagine the look on the guy’s face when he reads the response.

    Discourse 3: No, Nah, No! I have no idea how these things work

    0

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

+