You must understand that I have deeply rooted issues. I’m fucked up and I’m not saying it in that cute ironic way that people use in movies when their relationships end badly (not that a bad relationship isn’t scarring) and they can’t handle all the “trauma”.
I’m fucked up in the sense that I am scared of physical intimacy. I’m scared of being loved or loving someone because I don’t know how to stop loving people. I don’t want to hurt you but somehow I always hurt people who love me.
I get depressed sometimes and my mental health is a tenuous thing. I don’t have a healthy outlet for my emotions but I’m working on all this but until then I can’t commit myself to anything because I love you, maybe not in the way that you want, but enough that I don’t want me to tarnish everything that is good and innocent in you.
I love you enough to hurt you now because I don’t want to hurt you worse down the line. In the immortal words of Adele “I’m being cruel to be kind.” Up until last year I couldn’t find it in myself to admit the truth to myself but I can write it down and I’m working on saying it out loud and telling people who love me.
I’m learning to love myself but I can not trust you to love me when I can’t trust me to love myself all the time. I’m working on loving myself for free, not as a reward for doing something right or looking right. I’m working on loving myself simply because I am me, not because I am beautiful (even though we can all agree that I am stunning) or because I am smart (which we both know that I am).
I’m not where I want to be because it doesn’t work like that, it isn’t magic no matter how much I wish it were. I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful and I am worthy of love and I am not a victim. I am a survivor, despite everything I am still here. I’m still kicking but I can not juggle my emotions and worry about yours as well. I cannot be there for you the way you want me to be right now. I can not love you the way you want me to. I can not and will not change because you ask me to because that’s not a good way to change eventually the cracks will start to show.
I will change and I will grow but it will be at my pace and because I want to. Never because of you. I will not speed up my timetable to suit you because at the end of the day, I’m doing this for me not you. I cannot stop being myself because it is inconvenient for you. I cannot stop loving certain people because it hurts you. I can’t ‘magic’ myself to emotional stability or regrow my hymen because those things are inconvenient for you. Before you say you never asked me to, I want to remind you that insinuations/actions speak louder than words and your insinuations/actions really f*cking hurt.
This is turning into a thing but everyone who knows me knows I’m a big fan of letters, too bad your first one is probably going to be your last one. I have never told anyone that I love them before, I’ve written it down and I’ve read it out loud a number of times but I’ve never said it (and meant it) to anyone but I know deep down that the day I’m able to say it out loud to someone that’ll be the relationship I’d be willing to risk it all for. I’d be willing to brave my messed up mind and jump and I’ve not found it yet.