Dear Nigerian Men: Thou Shalt Not Live By Sex Alone

Dear Nigerian Man,

It has been four months since our last date, which was the first date. At this rate, if we hook up again, it has to be another first date – we obviously need a remedial chance. Wait. You think I sound pained? No, I actually feel very sorry for you. I know this whole dating and relationship thing is difficult for you but I want to teach you. I really do. I want to make you a better man.

I feel you have massive potential. Just look at you! You have a great job, living with your roommate, borrowing his car, you have weed for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You’re living the dream. The Nigerian Dream! Now, I just need to teach you a few tricks and you would be an adonis. A force to be reckoned with. By the time you’re done with this letter of love, you would be able to compete in the Olympics of Extraordinary Gentlemen. This is not a guarantee, it’s more of a wish, really. But I believe you can get past your ego and just remain calm and keep an open mind. Are you ready? Okay.

First of all, you need to learn the art of patience. Yes, patience is an art. I get that you’re an attractive man and you’re used to getting attention and sex whenever you want, and that’s fine. The problem is, you want to have something serious and you think the same technique is going to work. No, honey. It’s not. I want to have a conversation with you. I want to chat. I want you to love me for my brains and worship me for my breasts. So, we need to have actual conversation. And no, not about sex (it saddens me that I was able to predict how long it took you to start asking me questions about sex).

You don’t even know what my favourite colour is, but you want to know my favourite sex positions. Really? Do you think this is a joke? If I wanted a quick shag in the back of your car, I would have said so. Ok, maybe not immediately but you get my point. I want quality time. I know you are here with me but I want you to make me feel so special that it makes me crave you. In the wise words of Rihanna,”Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me. Hey boy, I really wanna be with you ’cause you just my type“. I know you didn’t make it past “go downtown” – do you see the problem here? Of course sex is great but we are talking potential forever here so please focus.

I need you to repeat this three times, “women are not placed on earth for my pleasure”. In fact, repeat it twelve times, then print and paste it on your wall. I have noticed, from past conversations, that often times, your end goal of starting a conversation with a woman is sex. Remember that time we had the argument about men and women being platonic friends? You told me it was impossible, but I’m calling you out on your bullshit. It is actually very possible to be platonic friends with a guy. Here is the trick: stop thinking with your penis. There is more to life than pleasing Spike, Terminator or Junior. You can’t continue sticking your sausage in every taco. If you think about it for a bit, it does get pretty boring, doesn’t it? Honestly. You can’t survive on just sex. Eventually, you would need someone to talk to, a female companion. Have you ever had a female wingman? Oh my goodness! It would change your life forever. I kid you not! Try it! Don’t forget to not stick your sausage into her taco. Comprendé? Again, sex is great but it is not everything.

Finally, I need you to change how you address women. When you see a thick woman, statements like, “juicy #%$¥” shouldn’t come out of your mouth. There is more to her than her vagina, and there is definitely more to you than your penis. I really want us to work out. I do. My fingers are crossed that you take into consideration the tips I have written here for you. Oh and if you really like me, you’ll wait for my sex. No, not for 90-days; but you’ll wait.

Love,
Your Nigerian Girl