Dear Nigerian Man,
It has been four months since our last date, which was the first date. At this rate, if we hook up again, it has to be another first date – we obviously need a remedial chance. Wait. You think I sound pained? No, I actually feel very sorry for you. I know this whole dating and relationship thing is difficult for you but I want to teach you. I really do. I want to make you a better man.
I feel you have massive potential. Just look at you! You have a great job, living with your roommate, borrowing his car, you have weed for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You’re living the dream. The Nigerian Dream! Now, I just need to teach you a few tricks and you would be an adonis. A force to be reckoned with. By the time you’re done with this letter of love, you would be able to compete in the Olympics of Extraordinary Gentlemen. This is not a guarantee, it’s more of a wish, really. But I believe you can get past your ego and just remain calm and keep an open mind. Are you ready? Okay.
First of all, you need to learn the art of patience. Yes, patience is an art. I get that you’re an attractive man and you’re used to getting attention and sex whenever you want, and that’s fine. The problem is, you want to have something serious and you think the same technique is going to work. No, honey. It’s not. I want to have a conversation with you. I want to chat. I want you to love me for my brains and worship me for my breasts. So, we need to have actual conversation. And no, not about sex (it saddens me that I was able to predict how long it took you to start asking me questions about sex).
You don’t even know what my favourite colour is, but you want to know my favourite sex positions. Really? Do you think this is a joke? If I wanted a quick shag in the back of your car, I would have said so. Ok, maybe not immediately but you get my point. I want quality time. I know you are here with me but I want you to make me feel so special that it makes me crave you. In the wise words of Rihanna,”Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me. Hey boy, I really wanna be with you ’cause you just my type“. I know you didn’t make it past “go downtown” – do you see the problem here? Of course sex is great but we are talking potential forever here so please focus.
I need you to repeat this three times, “women are not placed on earth for my pleasure”. In fact, repeat it twelve times, then print and paste it on your wall. I have noticed, from past conversations, that often times, your end goal of starting a conversation with a woman is sex. Remember that time we had the argument about men and women being platonic friends? You told me it was impossible, but I’m calling you out on your bullshit. It is actually very possible to be platonic friends with a guy. Here is the trick: stop thinking with your penis. There is more to life than pleasing Spike, Terminator or Junior. You can’t continue sticking your sausage in every taco. If you think about it for a bit, it does get pretty boring, doesn’t it? Honestly. You can’t survive on just sex. Eventually, you would need someone to talk to, a female companion. Have you ever had a female wingman? Oh my goodness! It would change your life forever. I kid you not! Try it! Don’t forget to not stick your sausage into her taco. Comprendé? Again, sex is great but it is not everything.
Finally, I need you to change how you address women. When you see a thick woman, statements like, “juicy #%$¥” shouldn’t come out of your mouth. There is more to her than her vagina, and there is definitely more to you than your penis. I really want us to work out. I do. My fingers are crossed that you take into consideration the tips I have written here for you. Oh and if you really like me, you’ll wait for my sex. No, not for 90-days; but you’ll wait.
Love,
Your Nigerian Girl
Latest posts by Lipglossmaffia (see all)
- Can You Tell If A Woman Is Faking An Orgasm? - December 7, 2016
- How To Have Sex Without Catching Feelings - November 27, 2016
- Nigerian Girl Problems - November 18, 2016
Gabriel Shaze
This is nice….
Yeah, as much as we can have the hot for someone, its also good to have someone we can have wholesome (and naughty) conversations with 🙂
thetoolsman
Sigh.. Dude, can you please submit your man card… Thank you..
Signed,
Men-agement.
sagachristos
Loooool. Co-signed!
Gabriel Shaze
LmaO ????
This is what we get for trying to be sensitive to the plight of de ladies.
Lipglossmaffia
Smart man?
Pearl
Go girlie! Tell em guys, you rock abeg,* muah* no homo. You got it so right @ stop thinking with your penis. Like seriously guys need to read this. Am I the first to comment?
Lipglossmaffia
Thank you Pearl!
Pingback: Dear Nigerian Men: Thou Shalt Not Live By Sex Alone | Newsroom Demo
VFFM
No one has ever called him “Spike, Terminator or Junior” it’s usually names like “Anchorman, Zeus, etc”, I wonder why.
Very interesting right write-up, I have to admit this topic came up with a friend recently, I said “Guy, do you have any female friends you don’t want to sleep with” and he laughed and said “errrr, yes na” and then we went on talking about the women in our lives, etc.
Personally I think women need to be called out on assumptions, because I am a nice guy and extremely nice to you doesn’t mean I want anything more than sex. I actually tell my friends, “I like to know a woman a little before we sleep with “each (even if its for a few hours). I am fine with taking you out for dinner, movies, having a conversation before we go downtown, but still doesn’t mean I didn’t always wanna sleep with you.
The one rule I have though is to never use relationship for sex i.e I want to date you when what i really mean is I want to sleep with you. That’s a no no for me
JADE
So do you honestly tell her I don’t want a relationship with you, i only wanna bang?
Nosa
Well, Not saying “I don’t want a relationship with you” does not automatically mean “I want a relationship”. if she had asked, I would tell her, but she didn’t so why tell.
JADE
If she had asked what exactly? you are just hiding behind semantics, you are the one approaching her so do you honestly say A. I wanna bang B. I want to have a relationship with you or what? do you state in clear terms what it is you wan exactly?
Nosa
You call it semantics. I call it “figuring out a way for everyone to get what they want”
I’m not gonna say i want to bang, because that is never the endgame for me. And i will not say from day one that i want a relationship because i never really know what i want from the beginning.
I approach you because i want to have and enjoy the experience of getting to know you (whatever you take the “experience” to mean is upto you).
I won’t tell you i want a relationship and if you decide to assume it, the only time i will stop you is if i’m in a serious relationship.
alicia
Hmmm..so Nosa is Vffm!!! :p
Nosa
Three exclamation marks? On something that isn’t true.
Maybe VFFM’s name is Nosa.
But this Nosa is not VFFM.
Thank you.
11
same thing I keep saying to a couple of my guys, i don’t shag every babe you see with me, and you don’t try to bed every female. You know how a guy goes ”how far, she go do?” when he sees a girl…pathetic
JADE
“To make me feel so special it makes me crave you” this line is gold, but will men ever learn? You will bump into an old school mate at the movies and he buys you popcorn and a drink, next thing he’s trying to cop a kiss and tap current, on top coke and popcorn kwa?
thetoolsman
Sigh.. why does it have to be because of the coke and popcorn though.. Would it make a difference if he didn’t buy anything and just told you what he wanted?
JADE
Its even better her tells me straight out that he wants to shag with or without coke and popcorn, but don’t hide under the guise of coke and popcorn and be trying to kiss me or nuzzle my neck or throw popcorn at me (in that boyfriend and girlfriend way) in the movie theatre
Nosa
Not all men do it solely for the sex.
Sure, you are “sexually” attractive and I would want to have sex with you but puhleeeeezze, it is not all i think about. Abeg, so I talk to you and maybe drop sexual innuendos in our convos doesn’t mean sex is the end goal for me.There is no end goal in it for me though, I’m in it for the journey (the journey being getting to know you as much as is allowed without the pressure of getting naked) and I don’t see sex as something i should strive towards. If sex happens, it happens, if it doesn’t happen, then it doesn’t happen.
i once dated a girl, who was a virgin for almost a year and I didn’t have sex (read: penetration/intercourse) with her. Not because I didn’t want to but because she didn’t want it and I gave her my word. Did i cheat on her? NOPE. and we dated for close to year, during which i didn’t have sex (read: penetration/intercourse) for a year, except that one time.
So me opening my mouth and saying I want a relationship with you, means I want a relationship with you (whatever you decide it to mean). It’s a whole lot more bigger than sex (read: penetration/intercourse). Hell, down the road, you will be the one initiating the sexytime sef.
Can a dude and gal be platonic friends? YES. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have casual sex if they want to, and just because they have casual sex doesn’t mean it will ruin their friendship. why can’t they be friends and have sex and still be great friends?
And being friends with a female is mostly for fun, learning and an opportunity to peek into the female psyche. I’m not talking to you with the conscious aim of having sex with you. I’m doing it because I want to.
I’m not constantly on the prowl for sex but i also probably won’t turn the chance down.
P.S and yes, there are some girls that I just want to bang, I really do not care what comes out of your mouth , I just want to know what that body tastes like and when I taste, then we can talk. does that make me shallow? I don’t care. I just know it will be a mortal sin to pass up on some bodies. Not that i don’t want to know you, but……nvm
And, you ladies should stop “assuming” that all guys what is sex, not every guy is actively looking to shag you. sometimes, we just want to have and enjoy the experience of getting to know someone.
thetoolsman
“why can’t they be friends and have sex and still be great friends?”
Nosa
LOL. Well, Why? Maybe not “great” friends, but friends still. Why?
thetoolsman
You dont have sex with a “great friend”.. you guys gist about your heart break or the guy that’s trying to hit on her while you both get naked, hump for a few minutes while one person is making faces or trying to imitate the other… till someone comes (maybe) or you both fall of the bed laughing… So yeah, it’s not sex.
olams
Lolz! I concur. Why cant we have casual sex and still be great friends? I actually enjoy the company of women but it doesn’t mean i wouldn’t love 2 sleep with them
Queen
Hi. I love you. Bye.
Nosa
Hi, Queen. Bye, Queen
JADE
Plus one person will definitely ruin the entire thing by catching feelings so why bother?
Nosa
I am just gonna go ahead and say this.
I have female friends who i’ve caught feelings for, some i told, some i didn’t tell, some i shagged, some i didn’t shag. But while telling them, i never mentioned wanting something more. And i’m still friends with plenty of them.
You just have to realize when it would be ideal to be in a relationship with someone. Despite how you feel, you can’t go looking for something more with someone who probably doesn’t want it with you, and just because they don’t want to date you doesn’t mean you can’t be good friends.
And if it is ruined, it’s because you couldn’t see past your “feelings”.
There are a million ways to be good friends with someone without the whole “feelings” business causing a rift.
Follow your heart but don’t leave your head behind.
Julibravo
One of a kind dude. one of a kind.
i am not sure it CANT happen that great friends have sex and still stay great friends… but it would be nice to know that is CAN happen.
Chizoba
Nice ????????????????
Pearl
Nosa, your specie must be few then cos on a count of 10 men I meet in a month, 8 of them will suggest sexy time before they know if I wud like to go downtown wif them or not, I used to get irritated then but now… Let’s just say I know how to play.
seryxme
*sigh* Nosa, I wonder how we have so much in common yet couldn’t be more different ideologically.
“i once dated a girl, who was a virgin for almost a year and I didn’t have sex (read: penetration/intercourse) with her. Not because I didn’t want to but because she didn’t want it and I gave her my word. Did i cheat on her? NOPE. and we dated for close to year, during which i didn’t have sex (read: penetration/intercourse) for a year, except that one time.”
Yes, been there, done that! Many times, too.
” But that doesn’t mean they can’t have casual sex if they want to, and just because they have casual sex doesn’t mean it will ruin their friendship. why can’t they be friends and have sex and still be great friends?”
No, no, no! I do not believe this one bit!
Says it all, really! ?
Nosa
IT IS JUST SEX!!!!!!!!
Whatever happened to casual sex? It is just sex o!!!!!! Sex!!! Sex!!!!
seryxme
I’m sorry, I don’t believe in ‘just sex’, casual sex or whatever you choose to tag it. It’s always more than that. That’s how we’re losing ourselves little by little until we have nothing left inside. By taking these things lightly. But whatever works for you though. For me, you can never have’ just sex’. Something always builds, however trivial it seems at the time.
Nosa
That “nothing left inside” card. Nice.
But i always ask; do we need the idea/possibility/experience of physical contact before we can have something more?
seryxme
Lol. I don’t know if you’ve heard that before somewhere to call it ‘pulling a card’ but I meant that statement in more ways than one. In fact, it has more to do with the perception, ideologies and disposition of this generation to certain issues than the single action of sex with a ‘friend’. But since you mentioned it, ‘having something more’ as you put it really has nothing to do with ‘losing yourself till you have nothing left’. I’m not insinuating that anything is required for you to have something more. I’m merely stating that all these ‘sex is just sex’ statements cause more harm than good in the end. That’s my view.
DEJIDOPE
What is casual sex? I really would like to know, the way you people say it like it is an exercise, like something you do to past time.
JAYNEDOE
i don’t know how i feel about this comment, just seems like you may rank high in the jerk scale, you allow a lot of assumptions and confusion just to have your way regardless of her feelings, everything is you, you, you!
Nosa
High? Jerk Scale? There is a scale?
Now you are the one assuming. You are assuming that the girl is the only one who may have feelings. You are assuming that i don’t sometimes catch feelings.
I just know when not to let my feelings get in the way of a friendship, no matter how strongly i may feel.
“Regardless of her feelings”? What about my feelings? Who is gonna care about that?
P.S before you rank me on the Jerk scale and think “it’s always about me” , at least get to know me. I’m actually a very nice person…
JAYNEDOE
i know you may be, infact I’ve been stalking you since i started reading this blog, been secretly crushing on you,so now that the cats out of the bag, so are you e-single? will you e-date me baby boy! lol
JADE
LOL Nosa, i cant wait to read our answer to the above questions
Julibravo
You just rank him high on the jerk scale and now you want to e-date him… why do girls like jerks anyway? and NO YOU CAN’T E-DATE HIM!
JAYNEDOE
aunty julibravo the e-dating headmistress! jade i can’t wait myself!
Julibravo
LOL… Jayne are yu talking to me? let’s see…
Nosa
Yes, i am “e-single”.
Will i “e-date” you? *thinking* i have no idea what it means so i’ll hold onto my answer for now.
When you are ready to tell me more, let me know.
seryxme
Nosa, just go open a fresh email for TNC p-setting purposes and drop here. You have no idea how many are stalking you on here. They want to get in touch but don’t want the world to know. Help them out. ? Or not.
JADE
LOL Nosa tha sharp bad guy! see ow you skillfully evaded the question
JADE
Mr understanding, well done o you too
JAYNEDOE
this niccur is lame jo! what do u want to understand again! mcheeeeew, #nogame! you and headmistress julibravo can gerrarahere! lol
Nosa
Oh, look. Another assumption.
Kontinu.
You are actually acting like i predicted you would. The hashtag is a surprise though.
Comeback = 4/10.
thetoolsman
Err.. Just so you guys know I’m here observing…
Segun
Did you just get called HEAD-mistress, you must be really good!
DEJIDOPE
”Can a dude and gal be platonic friends? YES. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have casual sex if they want to, and just because they have casual sex doesn’t mean it will ruin their friendship. why can’t they be friends and have sex and still be great friends?” – Am just going to believe you were joking here.
Have sex with your friend, have sex with a stranger you met at the club,have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend, have sex with your wife/husband, last time i checked sex is something you do with someone you are married too, someone you feel something for, sex is not a handshake you do with just anybody, Nosa, if you can have sex with a girl that is just your friend, then what differentiate’s her from your girlfriend, it is called ”intimacy” for a reason, it is called ”Love Making” for a reason too, i know you guys are going to tell me am being ‘religious”, ”churchy”, but that’s how i feel.
Nosa
Well, i would love to talk about this “sex” and why i don’t see it as a definite defining factor for me but that’s for another day.
I’m just going to pick this from your comment;
“then what differentiate’s her from your girlfriend”
Is that how you differentiate your friends from girlfriend? Sex?
LOL*5
Bye
Eky Shirley
Q.E.D.
sagachristos
Sigh…why can’t life in Nigeria just be like it is in Hollywood college movies? Those ones don’t have time for all these stories. I like you,you like me…lez gerriron!!
Pearl
Lol… Badass niccur!
Gabriel Shaze
Confam! ?
American Pie and all.
Terri
Ladies also see a man and all they think about is riding the hell out of him. But that’s not why we’re here….
Gabriel Shaze
Oh really?
I thought it was only guys who had such vivid imaginations and ladies needed to feel emotional connected to a guy before….
Oh well.
Gabriel Shaze
*Emotionally connected*
JADE
LOL, that’s the stories guys tell themselves to believe their babes aren’t stepping out, trust me ladies see a guy they fancy and imagine how glorious it will be to fuck them. A lot of times i see hot guys and try to measure their pricks from the bulge in their trousers. Abi isn’t it women men have one night stands with?
Gabriel Shaze
Oh great 😀
Imagine if we could listen in to the thoughts people have of us when we walk by. This life eh, folks will just be stealing glances and imagining things they could do in the dark but because of civility…. we will never get to know the inglorious intentions the opposite sex might have towards us.
Thanks Jade & Terri. I’ll always keep that in mind.
DEE
Jade ehn, if some men could see inside my head, they’d run, very far (or maybe not)……….
Most times, I just sit through whatever talk we are having with this very attentive look on my face and bros has no idea that “we don did it” . Remaining to tell him thanks for CUMMING.
JADE
LOL, no be small thanks for cumming. it happens often o,especially when you’re horny. You just see one fine brother and imagine the ride
JADE
preach sister!!!! especially if hes got great arms and a lovely smile
chaka khan
Amyn just hit the nail on the head.kudos!
Lipglossmaffia
Thank you!
chaka khan
But then again……
Joel
LOL!
Queen
Great topic. While it’s true that this applies on most cases, it’s also true that there are still some who are genuinely interested in being friends. My own is, don’t lie. If it’s sex you want, oga tell me straight so I know whether I want to and we don’t start wasting time and energy and emotion.
Gabriel Shaze
But…
The asking what you want question….that would be an awkward conversation assuming all that the guy wanted was just sex, even if you wanted same. My mind cant even wrap around how that kind of gist would start and end without a slap being exchanged or an anger fueled “What do you take me for?” gets blurted out. Ha.
Just do the one you can do. Find bae and enjoy life.
sagachristos
Hehe…that’s the problem with most girls in this part of the world. Not wanting to be seen as hoes even if they have the exact same thing in mind. So they try to make you hustle and work hard(sometimes hiding behind wanting a relationship) to get under their pants just so they don’t feel cheap when they eventually cave in. Can’t blame them though,an equally-hypocritical society is hard on them already.
About the ‘how’,subtlety is key though. Drop hints here and there first and based on her reaction,you’ll know how to progress without getting slapped…hopefully
Seyi
It’s hard to ask the question but better to just rape her mouth? This happened to me, second meeting not even up to 30 minutes and the first meeting sef was a short car ride
yettie
Dear men,please make whatever you want from a lady clear…don’t be letting a poor gal build castles in d air…then you wee now say..”I’m sorry….buh you dinor ask….If it’s sex you want make it clear…If it’s a relationship make it clear….life is too short for all these ur hanky panky games…
Rants over!
Joel
And that is how 80% of men that wanna know u first before sexytime enters into friendzone
:’)
Dr Pakurumo
Wat if I want a full relationship but would like to know if we are sexually compatible b4 hand
JADE
My brother you make a point, that compatibility is very crucial o, before you hitch your wagon to a horse that consistently trots and never gallups
SeunEsq
I’m here in the office imagining this statement “before you hitch your wagon to a horse that consistently trots and never gallups” and everyone is looking at me oddly
JADE
LOL
seryxme
Lol! As if the ladies are always straightforward themselves. Only if she told me she just wanted to be with me until one of the exes came back… And you want me to be straightforward that all I want is sex. Have you ladies ever thought maybe he did want something deep but the early vibes from you changed his mind? Sometimes he’s just “going with the flow”. Whatever happens, happens. And many times, it’s a previous heartbreak that get guys like this. Same with some ladies. Then the unfortunate vicious cycle goes on and on. *sigh*
Toni Osai
Well said…
Toni Osai
The comments
Looooooool
uki
so i’m cursed with the blessing of big boobs, imagine 8 outta 10 guys having conversation with them instead of me, chai, its obvious when the attraction is quite sexual but then again i also look at some guys n imagine doing the do.
Gabriel Shaze
“Cursed with the blessing of big boobs”
Loool. I just can’t imagine how that must feel, that guys could only be interested cos of physical features.
uki
sometimes when i’m in a shitty mood i literally tell the guy ‘hey, the conversation is up here’.
Ada Anyagwa
Life would be a lot easier if we all say what we want the way we want it. I meet a guy, I need money/sex/love from him, I’m totally honest with him, he gives him or declines and vice-versa. Would save a lot of heartaches and tears like the ones I just shed . Lol
Gabriel Shaze
Hello Ada ?
DEJIDOPE
This TNC dating site needs to happen with the way the women have been advertising themselves lately.
Maxpayne
We don’t have to take our clothes off to have fun…
seryxme
Reminds me of that Ma$e song, ‘Keep It On’:
?We don’t have to take our – clothes off,
To have a good time, oh no,
We can just chill and kick it – all night,
Cos it feels so right. ?
We can, can’t we? ?
Maxpayne
Dude! I am a guy…
seryxme
Heyyyyyy!!! I ain’t hitting on you bro! And, yes, I know you’re a guy. It’s more or less a general question, rhetorical if you will. I mean, we (people) should be able to “just chill and kick it – all night”. Hence the smiley, thinking of the recent Netflix post on TNC. Well, that’s too much thoughts in one line, but, there. I would be confused too though. Sorry.
similicious
I feel weird that i do not relate with this piece in any way. Women are sexual beings as well. Most women have more energy in that aspect. So if you are going to say Nigerian Men should not live by sex alone, it goes both ways.
JADE
Nosa ooooooooooooooo, im waiting for you to come and answer JAYNEDOE’s questions o
Lipglossmaffia
Oh my word! I’m late to my own party!
Esq
but Amyn has a wild mind though. Just saying
Nosa
Three exclamation marks? On something that isn’t true.
Maybe VFFM’s name is Nosa.
But this Nosa is not VFFM.
Thank you
Nosa
Three exclamation marks? On something that isn’t true.
Maybe VFFM’s name is Nosa.
But this Nosa is not VFFM
Thank you
Lavie
I died from all the comments walahi…?
Amyn, you did good girl… Very good!
Detonah
Please note that this comment was made to increase and push the number of comments to 93. 92 previous commentators have said it all.
Lord Fiddler
“I want you to love me for my brains and worship me for my breasts.” – #DeepestLineSoFar… Let me go and finish the post. *brb*
Lord Fiddler
I would like to thank @LipGlossMafia for this post… God will let your fantasies become your reality!
I would also like to specially appreciate the management of #TNC for the brilliant work they do by constantly availing grown professionals the opportunities to “monkey” in their offices and cause tafia-motivated questionable stares to drift our way when we read your stuff!!
Lastly, the people on this #TNC…you are the ones that give me hope that this Naija has minds…great minds…creative minds…
I’m just kinda happy I guess…there’s a meter somewhere in my psyche that was drained from today’s activities but has just gotten a boost this evening…Thanks guys! You rock!
thetoolsman
And thank you for reading and always spreading the TNC gospel.
ogen faith
hmmmm