Dear Nigerian Women: We Love How You Take Care Of Us

Dear Nigerian woman,

I’m here to say thank you.

Over and over again, you give us reason to show you our profound gratitude for the way you compliment us Naija men by simply being. We thank you for being the ying to our yang; for being the aliens from Venus eating our caramel-filled Mars bars; for being the cockroaches most of us would rather have infesting our cupboards than butterflies from anywhere else; for being the many cubes of sugar sweetening our tea… and by extension, our very lives. Your Nigerian men appreciate you for simply being the womanliness required to make our manhood strong.

You do all of this in such a variety of ways too. Everyone knows how men are typically cursed with the malady of the one-track-mind. But you goddesses are the most dexterous with the way you multitask, fulfilling different obligations, tasks and directives at the same darned time… bringing order and balance to our topsy turvy world. It’s a miracle honestly, the ways your minds work. Nothing short of a miracle.

You are some of the most ingenious creatures God has put on His green earth and we love the way you have chosen to flourish amidst the vegetation He created. You see, ehn, all those soups you make… Oh. Our. Collective. God! We know now how Esau must have felt to consider selling Jacob his birthright for a bowl of deliciousness. You can’t know something that tastes plain amazing awaits you and allow something as silly as a birthright stand in the way of such greatness. How nah?

And there’s such a wide variety of these soups served up by the women of our fatherland, it’s mind boggling. From Ofe Nsala to Efo Riro. From Edikangikong to Ila Asepo. From Banga to Gbegiri. From Bitter Leaf soup to Garden Egg stew. From Ewedu to Black soup. And those are only a few of just the soups. We haven’t even come to the many swallows, the paps, the cereals, the grains, the drinks. If we did, we’d be here all day just talking about the palette of delights you offer our palates.

Now, we know preparing meals is not solely the duty of our women, it’s just that you are so darned good at it. We know the deplorable concoctions and conditions we subject ourselves to while living as bachelors and we can’t help but appreciate the skill, talent and wealth of experience that comes to bear when a well trained Nigerian woman enters the kitchen and throws it all the way down. It’s a thing of beauty to be very honest.

And these skills go beyond cooking and feeding us. You mother us from infancy through childhood to marriage and into parenthood, helping our helplessness every step of the way. It’s so easy to take this for granted too, especially when you consider that it is becoming the norm to pay others to raise our children for us. This is, after all, the age of feminism and increasingly, women are putting career above family. Raising children is no longer the only thing a woman is good for (If we’re being honest, it never was) and every woman should have the right to decide when or whether at all she will go down that path. The beautiful thing is how when women put their heart and mind to it, they can create opportunities for each other such that now, even raising the children of others is a viable career path for one woman to pursue, allowing another woman the opportunity to pursue another without worrying about her child’s welfare.

Regardless, all our women have mothering in their genes and even when it isn’t your own kids that are being mothered, you’re constantly mothering something or someone and you do it so much more gracefully than we ever could. On behalf of men everywhere, I appreciate that.

I’d like to take a moment here and apologize on behalf of all men everywhere, Nigerian and otherwise, for the way we generally like to feel like the leaders of the pack, like we’re the ones who know it all, like you women should be subject to our every whim, caprice and device. We easily forget how mama was the boss at the very beginning while papa was only the featuring act. We forget how when we woo our women, she’s the boss. It is ultimately her decision whether the relationship/engagement/marriage happens or not. We forget that following our initial gra gra, women usually stick around in this dimension called life longer, calling the shots long after their male peers have checked out. Statistically, women live longer than men and I’d like to believe it’s specifically because of your greater bossness.

Men play boss, women are the real thing… but you’ll rarely see a man admit that.

Sure, there are a few women who are aggressive leaders. They fight their way to the top of the dog pile and take charge in whatever ramification they find themselves. Again, I’ll be the first to admit there’s nothing wrong with this. It has nothing to do with the men and has everything to do with their sense of accomplishment as individuals. I feel sad for my brethren who would, rather than up their game, turn to snitching, slandering and insubordination. Because in their small minds, women are to be led and should not lead.

Idiots.

In the Nigerian home though, more typically, the woman is the leader but only in the most coded of ways. She’ll fall back and let the man feel like he’s the one in charge, after all, he’s the bow of the ship. But she’s the rudder beneath the stern of the ship, and that’s where the real decisions are made, is it not? But hey, it’s fine, let’s all go on pretending we don’t know that Nigerian women are the real leaders… from behind.

And oh, speaking of behinds… Heuw! My Naija women, I hail o! See ehn, at the beginning, it is your bosoms that do the magic. They are the founts from which all blessings flow when we suck on them tiddays. Later on in life, your bumbums rather magically become an attraction. When they sway in high school uniforms, we can’t help but stop and stare and wonder why we’re so transfixed. Then when we discover the pumpum The End!

Oh Naija woman. You take care of us in so many more ways than one and I’m very, very grateful for that.

Yours.

Truly all yours,

OlaToxic

***COMING SOON***nhs2

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Just a dude with a mean, wide creative streak made up of many, many strokes looking to express himself as diversely as possible.
Comments
  • Avatar
    Ray

    First?

    October 18, 2015
    • Avatar
      Adayda

      No Chapman today. We are celebrating. Take chilled wine 🙂

      October 18, 2015
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        thetoolsman

        lol.. Thank you, I just love this TNC family.. See how we all take care of each other…

        October 18, 2015
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    I need cold and Dirty Shapman please

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      It’s Sunday sir…

      October 18, 2015
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      As the man with the Tools said. It’s Sunday.

      Oya, take communion.

      October 19, 2015
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    Adayda

    Ooh Olatoxic *sighs

    A beautiful way to end the series. Thank you so much *sending kisses your way

    Please o, all those that post epistles should back off today. (Catch your subs). Thank you

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      hahahaha… #NoEpistleSunday

      October 18, 2015
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      You’re welcome, ma’am. *gathers kisses and kisses the kisses before sending then back*

      October 19, 2015
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    Ray

    Lol. You’re very welcome.
    Having our asses kissed, literarily and not, is always an amazing feeling.
    I bet the ladies will love this one and remain ‘super-cooleh’ today.

    October 18, 2015
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      You especially deserve some ass-kissing for your comments this past week. I won’t say more than that. ☺

      October 18, 2015
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        Ray

        Lool thanks.
        Well, the series has made me affirm that I still think differently from a lot of women.

        October 18, 2015
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          Yes, you do. ‘The man’ is lucky.

          October 18, 2015
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            Ray

            He’s just as lucky as I am ?

            October 18, 2015
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          Katniss

          Aww,there’s a ‘he’? And I was already seeing RayXme TNC babies in my head ;(

          October 18, 2015
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            Ray

            Yes o, there is.
            TNC babies though ?
            I thought you were a woman. My bad.

            October 18, 2015
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          Katniss

          Biko, I’m female o. I was propositioning on behalf of Sexyme 😉

          October 18, 2015
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            Raychelle

            ? oh!

            October 18, 2015
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            Katniss! Katniss!! Loool!!! Hmmm…

            October 18, 2015
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      “Having our asses kissed, literarily and not, is always an amazing feeling.”

      Looks like someone is into rimming ????

      October 19, 2015
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        S

        WOOOOOOOOWWW

        October 19, 2015
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    While me I’m just here happy that you’re writing on here,..
    If you’d written the recipe for EBA, I’d have still commented amazing..
    Amazing!
    Write more??

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      O_O

      October 18, 2015
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      Aww, thank you Preshy. Your support is amazing. Therefore, you’re amazing ???

      October 19, 2015
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    Ganjaman

    “my woman…my everything”

    Rarely do comment, but i think i should before it all ends.
    Well done TNC

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      Thank you, thank you…

      October 18, 2015
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    Miss Thang

    This brought tears to my eyes. It’s wonderful to know that you’re appreciated.

    October 18, 2015
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      Glad to be of service, ma’am. Y’all deserve some appreciation (most of the time sha)

      October 19, 2015
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    sagachristos

    Awwwn…what a superb way to end the series. Yorubas will say ‘Ta ba fowo otun bomo wi,a ma fi tosi fa pada’ meaning if you discipline a child with the right hand,you’ll use the left to pull them closer and pet them,and that’s what exactly this post has done. Kudos to a lovely series.

    PS: Toolsman,I just noticed,where’s Dr Baruu pls? He’s on sabbatical or what?

    October 18, 2015
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      Shey! He’s like my favourite columnist. Toolsman where’s Dr Baru?

      October 18, 2015
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        thetoolsman

        He’s very much around, you’ll read more from him from next week after the special..

        October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      Sabbatical tho.. nah, he’s very much around..

      October 18, 2015
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      E

      Missing Dr.Baruu seriously…i will b waiting 4 his sweet dishes(writings) next week ooo@Toolsman

      October 18, 2015
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      D.K

      Dr Baruu is probably busy trying to win his potential father-in-law over. I bet he is in their village.

      October 18, 2015
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    Nelo

    Come. Come. Come. Take a hug. And a kiss. Love you so much my darling, appreciative Nigerian men. Where is my cookbook? You are getting a superb lunch today.?????????????

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      Chei.. Oya add address now…

      October 18, 2015
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      *licks lips* What’s for lunch, biko? Abeg do and provide address like toolsman said.

      October 19, 2015
  • Avatar
    Ade

    “When they sway in high school uniforms, we can’t help but stop and stare and wonder….”

    Should we be worried, Mr. Toxic?

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      Aahn ahn now, don’t take it out of context, you need to add the sentences before this one…

      October 18, 2015
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        Thank you o. I was beginning to get worried for no reason at all. Just like oga Ade here.

        October 19, 2015
  • Avatar
    S

    Plix,

    some of us would like an explanation for what this is “aliens from Venus eating our caramel-filled Mars bars”

    Thenz.

    October 18, 2015
    • Avatar
      Jae

      Lol.

      What ever it means it sounds sexy .

      Don’t touch that dial ….
      Just leef it…

      October 18, 2015
    • Avatar
      Ray

      ?? And I thought there would be no controversy today.

      October 18, 2015
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      sagachristos

      Lol. Ever heard women are from Venus and men are from Mars? I think it has something to do with that

      October 18, 2015
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        Spot on. We martians are very hospitable people. We love to take care of visiting aliens, particularly the goddesses from Venus. Everyone knows stiff caramel-filled chocolate offers wave after wave of pleasure to indigenes of Venus. It would be wrong to deny them, would it not?

        October 19, 2015
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          Oma

          S you hit the nail on the head.

          Olatoxic bet whyyyy?

          October 20, 2015
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          DEE

          If only men’s mars bars were filled with caramel. Some of those fillings taste downright funky. *adjusting halo and whistling “I am married to Jesus”*

          October 20, 2015
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          DEE

          See women….. awww Ola this, awww Ola that. Truly yours Ola has used just one post to scatter what was achieved during the Beijing conference.

          October 20, 2015
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          Slim

          Olatox, I have had the pleasure, and I know you’re an artist… so I may be wrong but I’m not entirely convinced that that’s all you meant by that paragraph! 😉

          October 23, 2015
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    Jae

    This post got me feeling some typpa way …. Ola, you are so toxic that you have intoxicated me with this post….
    It’s raining and I’m tempted to call an almost-ex-boo and forgive him of all his past transgressions but olaaaa, why so toxic tho?

    October 18, 2015
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      I have no excuse for my toxicity and take no responsibility for invariably intoxicating others against my/their will. It’s a gift and a curse. We all have to live with it. (No) Apologies.

      I hope you called this so-called almost-ex-boo and had a bite of his mars bar, thereby mending fences. Wait… Scratch that.

      October 19, 2015
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    Ada

    Awwwww. To hear a Nigerian man appreciate womanhood in such manner makes me doubt your Nationality. I Gave up on Nigerian men mahn. You deserve a kiss on the cheek, a hot plate of Goat meat and plantain pepper soup and tender love&care ?

    October 18, 2015
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      Must be the dual citizenship. Well, I could send you an address to which all these things I’m deserving of could be brought 😀

      October 19, 2015
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    This post though. I say no more. I saw everything

    October 18, 2015
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      Brother. What did you saw? ( ._.)

      October 19, 2015
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    See wash! So y’all think you can butter us up after all the “bashing” abi? *side eye*

    I loved the series tho, my favourite was Tola’s post. Kudos to all the writers.

    @Olatoxic, I think ur wash worked tho cos I’m squeaky clean now of all the animosity toward y’all.

    October 18, 2015
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      You’re welcome ma’am. Stay squeaky clean 😉

      October 19, 2015
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    No better gentleman to wrap up with this particular post than 0laToxic. You represented us well in appreciation for things many of us will refuse to say/admit (which we should). Thank you for this.

    They say that men are the (figure?)head and women are the neck. You may not appreciate this analogy until you have stiffneck.

    My friend was a ‘player’ when we were in school. Recently, he had a fight with his fiancee for about two weeks. My ‘former player’ friend couldn’t sleep well until the whole situation was resolved. It was even affecting him at work. The power of the Naija Woman!

    To the Nigerian Women, even if we do not say it or admit it often enough, we love, respect and cherish you. More than you know. Thank you!

    October 18, 2015
    • Avatar
      Ray

      Lol #NoEpistleSunday ?

      October 18, 2015
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      Lol. See wash.

      October 19, 2015
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    Katniss

    Meanwhile, Olatoxic iyaff spoil..

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      Tey tey…

      October 18, 2015
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      Ehn? How?!

      October 19, 2015
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    Debloww

    Awww… Perfect way to end the series!!

    October 18, 2015
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    MadamYe

    This was BEAUTIFUL. Thank you. My withering hope in the Nigerian man appreciating the Nigerian woman has now been restored. This brought tears to my eye. Thank you OlaToxic.

    October 18, 2015
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      You’re welcome, madam. Glad to lead the restoration process for the reputation of the Nigerian man. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it ^_^

      October 19, 2015
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    Toni Osai

    *sigh*
    I never liked all these kind of peaceful happy endings….

    October 18, 2015
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      Ray

      No-Controversy, No-Misunderstanding spurring endings.
      Boring stuff ?

      October 18, 2015
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        As in. So boring ehn… ( -_-)

        October 19, 2015
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    DUMO

    I rarely comment but a big shout out to all our beautiful and strong women out there holding it down in their various homes. You see we men are proud to say thank you because of our egos but deep down in our hearts we are grateful to you all. we can’t exist without u.

    October 18, 2015
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    Thanks for this piece Ola! I won’t agree any less.

    October 18, 2015
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    Aawww Ola.. Just take all d kisses n hugs cuz now am feeling like. *clears throat* THANK U

    October 18, 2015
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      Yes? Go on… You’re feeling like…

      October 19, 2015
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    MIA

    Awwww we love our naija men as well. This post right here just made me write a whole essay of why I love my boo. Thank you.

    October 18, 2015
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      You’re welcome. Your boo is also welcome.

      October 19, 2015
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    paal

    nice series, really learnt a lot… Learnt more from the comments section

    October 18, 2015
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    D.K

    Hi Olatoxic! *waving vigorously* *standing on a stool so you can see me*.

    October 18, 2015
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      Hi DK. I can see you… *waving back vigorously*

      October 19, 2015
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    Olushola

    Just superb.

    October 18, 2015
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    Asma

    Olatoxic!!!!! Very beautiful post, thank you❤

    October 18, 2015
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    Toolsman, Terdoh, and Sirkastiq, where’s Rounds? Its a few minutes to 12midnight fa!

    October 18, 2015
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      thetoolsman

      All the regular column go on break when we do week-long specials.. Rounds will be back next week…

      October 19, 2015
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    I don’t know man, call me cynical but while reading the introductory paragraph I just held my breath waiting for the ‘but…’ that would come after the thankfulness.
    So it never came, right! But I’m still cynical. I think there’s something ‘odd’ about all this gush of affection.

    Lol @ Truly all yours. You’re cray Ola 🙂

    October 19, 2015
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    Take virtual kizz Ola…

    October 19, 2015
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      *takes kizz with much fervor*

      October 22, 2015
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    Ama

    I’m happy I found this webbie. Beautiful post. ☺️

    October 19, 2015
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      I’m happy I discovered this section. Beautiful comment. ☺️

      October 23, 2015
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    Sirkastiq

    Still a scam guy this guy

    October 20, 2015
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      Why are you scamming the good people of TNC, ehn?

      October 23, 2015
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    Blaise

    …for being the aliens from Venus eating our caramel-
    filled Mars bars…

    Am I the only one who noticed… THAT? Wicked! Lol.

    October 20, 2015
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    Meenah

    Biko, Olatoxic, are you singu pringu? I won’t mind being the alien from Venus eating your caramel filled….

    okay Meenah, get a grip.

    October 20, 2015
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    Sharon

    Now I’m pacified. At least one man gets it (finally). Now, who wants me to cook afang with enough obstacles for them? ^_^

    October 21, 2015
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      *Hands up in the air*
      With pounded or poundo yam please

      *licks lips in anticipation* 😀

      October 22, 2015
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