“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.” – Unknown
I was wide awake, but I needed to get back to bed. I needed to sleep but I couldn’t. In fact, I didn’t want to.
So I kept turning in my bed which now seemed to be dragging me out of it. It used to be warm and comforting but now it was pushing me away.
He was keeping me awake, again. I wondered if he was sound asleep while I battled with thoughts of him and letting go. A parcel of sleepless nights he had offered me the moment our paths crossed. But the feeling was different now.
Sometimes it was anger. Other times it was a deep longing. But the most glaring thing, was the reality, that it was over and this time we were expected to walk past each other with straight faces, like the strangers we once were. Only we can never be strangers, he had known the most intimate parts of me and I felt I could write a book about him because I knew him. We were not strangers, we were simply nothing. Like history we had been.
I now know that five years is not enough time to know someone, especially when they don’t know themselves. I knew what attracted me to him, I knew the things he liked to do, his favorite foods, and the designers he loved and even the cologne he wore. I knew the basic stuff but I never knew his mind, his thought behind every action. I didn’t know what mattered because we didn’t talk enough. We talked a lot but not enough, we talked about the challenges we faced, we gossiped, we laughed but it was still not enough.
Now I was just furious, I picked up my phone to see if he replied my texts even though I didn’t hear it vibrate or ring . I reread the text and it dawned on me I had pulled the crazy ex stunt.
“Charles, you are not sleeping right? How can you? I don’t know why you think you can just break up with me after all we have been through and move on with your life. You don’t know who you are messing with. I need you to tell me what I have done wrong? You can’t break up with me over a kiss that meant nothing. Charles remember all the things I forgave you for.”
I went down to read the next text I had sent five minutes later after he read the first one and didn’t reply.
“Now that I think about it, I was probably high throughout our entire relationship, nobody would want you and you would come back to me, only I would be gone and you would go through hell just as I am going through now. This is not ten things I hate about you leading to love, this ten things I love about you leading to genuine hatred.”
“Stop wearing madza cologne for goodness sake that’s outdated and I hate it, in fact everybody hates it.”
“Charles make sure you brush your teeth after every meal, it leaves a bad breath, and I went through a lot kissing you.”
“My god! Really who doesn’t watch movies, anyways it’s over and now I can go to a proper cinema.”
“I could go on and on and this would prove I was high for five years. Thank God for sobriety, I see you for what you are now, goodbye and have a hectic life!”
All this went unread. I guessed he was fast asleep. If I go to his house now it wouldn’t be the first time he would have to call the police because of me – another embarrassment of which I am now greatly ashamed.
It was past midnight and all I wanted to do was scream out my lungs, scream at the top of my head, but I didn’t know a good place to go. I also wanted to get lost in liquor but I was beginning to have mercy on my liver. All the anger I felt was dwindling and being replaced with shame at how I had been utterly rejected, in truth I was starting to love myself again.
I had cried a lot at first and as the days counted my tears dried up. The pain I felt, was because I stopped loving myself once he stopped loving me. We don’t fall in love, since we are made of it and Charles had been a good reflection of the love within me. Once that was gone, all that was left was pain. Now I had to put more effort than before in my looks, in my work, in everything I did just to forget him and it was going to happen. Working was helping, exercising was helping, but when the day was over and the night drew its curtains wide open, the tears came. With the tears, however, came a new lesson.
“I will find someone better,” I said. I had to move on if I wanted to be happy. I would point out all the wrongs in our relationship that I had once ignored and I would forgive us. I would laugh and time would pass and I would heal. Then I will write about it, or sing about it but I will love again and if it fails I will love again because I could be one heartbreak away from finding him – the mirror that reflects my soul.