For My Baby Who Will Never Be Born

Opinion

Not everyone with a vagina should be a mum; I doubt I want to be one. Kids cry and scream and poop and make you mad and give you sleepless nights, although sometimes cute. Having a kid is one of the greatest gambles as no one can determine how their kid will turnout. Hi, my…

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Not everyone with a vagina should be a mum; I doubt I want to be one. Kids cry and scream and poop and make you mad and give you sleepless nights, although sometimes cute. Having a kid is one of the greatest gambles as no one can determine how their kid will turnout.

Hi, my name is S and the thought of having kids scares me shitless.

If I have a kid she’ll probably inherit my dirty mind, little feet, freckled nasal area, insomnia, my distorted view on everything. Will my kid love fashion and have great style? What if it turns out to be a boy and he can’t covet the magnificence that is my vast shoe collection. My kid has to be a fashionista or I may love her less. On the brighter side she’d have my eyes, I have beautiful eyes. But what if she looks more like her father, will I love her less? I don’t want to transmit my inability to sleep to an innocent child, for I’m sure she’ll have it too. I wish the world came in black or white, either this or that, not color, the colour increases the complexities in life, I hate that, but I want my baby girl to see beautiful colours of the rainbow.

How will I react when my daughter starts having sex? Dear kid, if I ever have you, don’t come and tell me you are pregnant, I’d never recover from it. I’m barely holding my own trying to raise you; it’d be too difficult for me now trying to mesh into the role of being a grandmother too.

I’m scared that my baby girl will experience sexual assault, like her mother. I don’t want her to experience life-shattering pain that is accompanied with being defiled by someone you love and trust. The possibility that she is prone to such dangers scares me beyond anything in the world.

I want to have a life, I can’t be responsible for another human life when I wake every morning trying to figure out my life and take responsibility for MY own actions. It’s too great a risk. I want an almost perfect kid if I do have a kid. When God asks me “what did you do with the child I gave you?” I don’t want my answer to be that I screwed it up.

I don’t want to be one of those working mothers who barely have time for their kids, why be a parent if you’re going to be absent? I don’t want to be one of those mothers who doesn’t know their kids favourite colour. I don’t want a baby sitter if I decide to have a kid, I don’t want  someone else touching MY baby girl, raising MY baby girl, growing to love MY baby girl.

I don’t want a kid; it means automatically intentionally or not placing so much pressure on her. Everyone including myself unfortunately will expect her to be better than me, beat my record. But what if she fails? Will she ever recover from it?

If I do have a kid, I’d pray for her more than I pray to breathe because I’ll need her to be great, greater than I, need her to be a better, more powerful version of myself so I don’t regret the time she spent in my womb. I want to know that an improved version of me came out of me. I’ll want to give her everything she wants even if it kills me but I probably won’t.

I don’t want to bring a kid into this world that has more sorrows than joys, I don’t want my baby girl to feel pain, but the truth is, she will feel pain, not the kind of pain you have when you get a Brazilian and can’t walk straight or have sexy time for days.

Too many people have kids for the wrong reasons; I hear my peers talk about birthing kids like it’s the prime of life, but really it’s not. You can’t afford trial and error with parenting; it’s a child’s life that’s at stake here. Too many kids in the world hate their parents and regret decisions made on their behalf, I’d hate for mine to be one of them.

I doubt I’d be a good mum, I don’t see myself mothering, I do see myself in a shooting range on Friday night sipping on wine or writing reviews for whatever Marvel movie has just come out. I will however be big best Zeus-damn big sister to my siblings and god-mum to y best friend’s kids and that is enough for me.

The thing is everyone thinks they’ll be a good parent, but at the end of the day, only few are. Some think they are training their kid right but actually maybe killing that child. Hitler’s mum had no idea she had in her belly a man whose evil would be spoken about for centuries now did she?

What if I grow to hate my child’s father? I can’t have for my baby girl to know this, for she might hate hers too and be as messed up as I am and I’d hate that because if I do have a baby girl she deserves the world and more.

I’m not psyched about being a mum; it’s not a job for everyone. It doesn’t seem like it’ll be enough for me and it doesn’t make me less of a person. I think it makes me less selfish, because in my opinion, parenting constitutes some degrees of selfishness.

But no. Thank you for the ovaries and fallopian tubes and vajay-jay and the punishment I go through every month when my body kills potential babies, which I will never understand. But to being a mother, I say no thank you. Who is with me?

Responses

  1. Ella
    I’m not with you,I want to be a mom * scratch that, I can’t wait to have a baby. Boy,girl I don’t care. I’ll love the hell outta my baby and when I can’t birth more, I’ll adopt.
    1. Mote
      I am so with you on this, i want to have my babies, although not in a hurry and yes i will also love to adopt, i don’t mind resigning for those years to be with them, my mum is the very best and each day i examine the things she taught me, how she did it, it blows my mind that i could think of someone like that and love someone like that because its not a burden or pressure its just natural, you just love with no reason, it makes you selfless because you put someone above you, your desires or needs. It may never be perfect or right but you know the person exists and you have a lineage, you were an instrument that God used to fulfill some part of destiny or purpose.

      One thing I should add, your purpose in life is not about you, its about someone else, impacting lives with either your positive or negative situation for the common good.

      Cheers

      1. Reniy
        @S , can we be friends?

        I grew up with the idea that I’d have kids, even negotiating numbers with the SO, but a few months ago I asked myself why I really wanted to have kids, and I don’t have an answer.

        I dislike the mess and the noise.
        I dislike the constant pull on your attention.
        I’m selfish, and I’m not sure I want to make constant sacrifices.
        I want to live a full life of my own, for myself, making ‘my own’ choices ‘unapologetically’, and I don’t want to resent anyone for robbing me of that.

        So yes, having a vagina and a pair of rather sexy boobies does not mean I have to birth a kid.

  2. Queenbitterblue
    I love this piece!!!! No one ever asks if I want to be a mother, everyone just assumes I’m going to LOVE being a mother and find some insane level of fulfilment in that role. Truth is, I am scared shitless.. A part of me wishes I could say to hell with it and not have kids but yeah much as I’d like to stick my tounge out at society pre approved plan for me being a mother I’m not sure im that brave… On the other hand what if I’m an awesome mother….*sigh* I wish someone would say it’s really okay if you don’t want kids, no pressure.
  3. blaqlotus
    I never had a mother’s love and I don’t know what that is (except of course from movies and books and people around you) believe me i’m scared shitless when I think about having a child. Will I love her, am I patient enough to deal with a child’s tantrums, can I stay up late and do all those things mothers do. What do mothers do anyway? I told my bf the other day i’m not sure i’ll make a good mother, and the look he gave me was like…don’t even go there.
  4. Nosa
    Funny Story, it’s the people who think/believe they will be terrible at something that eventually become very good at it when thrown into the thick. The Universe is screwed up.
  5. Olayinka
    Omo being a mother will be the greatest privilege of my life. I love children and I want a dozen of them. I also believe that if you don’t want them, or think that you can’t handle them, pls don’t bring them to the world. The thing is that when it comes to raising children, you can only do your best. The world will do more of the training for you but a solid invaluable foundation for a child will go a long way to help the child cope with the world. Let’s just plan for the best and prepare for the worst. But kids, I’m so having them. Plenty of them too..
    1. Labelle
      I don’t agree with “the world will do more of the training for you”, that’s not right. the world shouldn’t get to train your children more than you, i know it seems like it’s out of parents’ hands but somehow i really don’t think it is.

      I just pray i end up with someone that has somethings more figured out than i do.

      1. Olayinka
        In this matter Aunty, it’s really out of your hands. Your children must leave you at some point and mingle with ‘the world’. I’m not saying to leave your child vulnerable. I’m saying to know that you can’t clutch forever. They’ll grow up. If you instill values in them as early as possible enmeshed in love and good communication, they’ll know to turn to you when they meet with difficulties in the world. However, to deal with others, they must learn that on their own o. I’m a growing child and I speak from experience.
      2. S
        I most definitely agree.
        Whether we want to believe it or not, though we may train a child the world will do more of the training.
        Take yourself for example, half the stuff you know, who influenced it. Parents or society?
        1. labelle
          Maybe you ladies are right….but Its really nice to see that I’m not the only one that fears being a mother, are men afraid of being fathers too? Or are women alone in this? Maybe if they worried about it a lil, then they won’t leave training the children to women alone. Maybe we should believe and have a lil faith that the force that made us not turn out completely screwed up adults and a menace to the society would help our kids too, and even when they lose their way they won’t remain there but try and find their way back home.

          Nice piece S, really nice

  6. teaballow
    Nice writeup
    Well it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to have fear for the future…I would love to have my own Kids….in fact I can’t wait to. I am not a perfectionist and I believe strongly that everything we do in life is a risk, being born is a risk, walking out of your house is a risk- ah mean! U could just get hit by a car or a falling pole; schooling is a risk-some never survived it; getting married is a risk-cute Prince charming can become a monster out of the blues…warrahell we could just decide to chill and do nothing-that too is risky in itself.
    I would just give motherhood my best shot and make my children my friends. “All I can do is all I can do and all I can do is enough”….Art Williams
    I won’t let fear stop me from having a beautiful human experience or from reaching my destiny…I mean what if my sons/daughters grow up to be one of the brightest the world has seen, I know many parents that were brought to limelight by their childrens’ achievements…just what if!
  7. Maxpayne
    I love kids but would only want two. That said, my greatest fear is having a child that has some sort of disability or the other. It won’t make me love that child less, I am just afraid of how the world will treat such child. It is really tough for people who are different from other people.
  8. Labelle
    I worry about being a mother too, I feel I’ll be doing my babygirl an injustice by bringing her into this world, I worry I might not be able to protect her enough, but then i turn around and worry that I may be over protective and that would result in her being scarred by even me.
    I wish that every new couple will have only one child and adopt more so we can get the ones already here who are suffering and being preyed upon by evil and violent men off the street, adoption should truly be more encouraged.
    I pray everyday for the right partner because they say the quality of life you have when married depends on the partner you choose, but I’ll add the quality of children you raise depends on the partner you choose and the foundation you lay for your marriage.
    One thing I know is trying to project your own life or what you would have wanted your life to be unto your children is all sorts of wrong, just let them be who they were created to be, pursue their own desires and walk their own journey.
    Every time I see pictures of a newly wedded couple, the first thing that comes to my mind isn’t “happy married life”, my first thought is “i hope you chose right”.
  9. chuka
    Dear S, I duff my cap to your stance and way of seeing things. I’m not a woman and yet I’m sincerely scared of being parent. Mine are wonderful yet I’m afraid as an individual I am not just as cool, patient as they’ve been. I’m with you to the ninth mile…
  10. Ronnie
    Being a parent is scary. One of my best friends just became one today and the thought of her already being in charge of another human being is just…scary. Then when you factor in the single parent thing. Or the my-husband-is-an-ass thing.
    It’s pretty scary stuff.
    The thing we need to realise though is that these babies though dependent on you for a while, are individuals of their own with destinies of their own.
    You might have brought them to the world, but you’re just a channel. In the end, they will turn out how they will turn out. You can help a great deal. And your role will be asked of you in the end. But essentially, you’re just like a farmer; plant the seed, water it and wait for God to make it grow.
  11. uche
    When I saw the title and the author, I’m like ‘not Madam S again’, but she does make a lot of valid sense. People just decide to have kids these days with the same planning they put into taking a vacation (this is relative though). Me,
    1. I’m too selfish to raise a child. I stay with my cousin and she leaves me in their care a lot. I only remember there are kids when someone starts crying.
    2. I’m too lazy to clean up after myself, talk not of another person.
    3. Btw, touching lives is not limited to your own kids. Of course, I might adopt, but they’ll be any age from 5 above.
    4. Madam S and the rest of you, say what about no Nannies? How else do I want to be great biko? Imma have them, or my kids shall know the way to grandma’s
  12. deehvahrzz
    Giving birth is a necessary condition but not a sufficient one. Lost my aunt two weeks ago in her ninety month of pregnancy. She didn’t have a baby for 18 years in her marriage. She wanted one at all cost to be a fulfilled woman. The pressures d society puts on us is mad ass. I am not sure I want a baby right naw. They scare me and God knows d fear of maternal mortality is fully rooted in my heart.
    Most of us don’t know at least 800 women die daily around the world from pregnancy related issues. Nigeria bin d second country with d highest number.
    Having a daughter scares me. Protecting them from d world is such a big deal ND I can’t deal.
    1. S
      With all due respect, giving birth is not a necessary.
      I do empathize with your aunt but having a child or the lack of does not determine her fulfilment in life.
      The fact that you cant protect your child from a large chunk of shit in this world just paralyzes me emotionally.
  13. Lady Ngo
    I feel you. I have no interest in being a parent for all the same reasons you listed plus more. And it irritates me to no end when ppl tell me that basically birthing babies is my (and all women’s) sole purpose in life. Miss me by 100 miles lol. I often wonder how many women want to have kids because they actually want to as opposed to wanting kids because thats what they are supposed to want.
    1. S
      Preach it sister!
      miss me by light years actually.
      I do have many more reasons for refusing to have kids but had to limit it to 800 words.
    1. S
      You’re very welcome.
      People who don’t believe in having kids exist, we are even more than the world knows but we exist. We also have valid reasons
  14. Chinedov
    Someone commented on your last post that you’re “too westernised”. Though you laughed this off at the time, I’m beginning to agree with him/her.

    Your standpoint is obviously drawn from past experiences and you have your reasons – I just hope you re-examine this someday and not hold back those lovely babies inside you.

    As for me, yes, I’m a man – but that doesn’t in anyway diminish the pains (and gains thereof) of being a parent – and can’t wait to have mini-me’s running rings around me when I get back from work everyday.

    I saw the smiles on my Dad’s face while I was a kid and won’t want to miss out on that.

    1. S
      Sigh. There is nothing westernized about my thinking.
      It’s simple, just because I’m female doesn’t mean I should have children. Thinking that I should change my mind is not right.
      Having kids is not only about them running around you. Forget the cute stuff, examine the actual child raising process.
  15. Ekene
    Hi, S.

    I understand how you feel. Not all of us can be mothers, not all of us want to be mothers if we are being honest and that’s perfectly okay.

    However, I don’t think it’s fair to say you won’t be good at mothering. What is mothering? This is something I’ve given plenty thought to lately. Does being a good mother means looking like a Stepford wife? Being the Nigerian version of a Soccer mom? Smiling and saying everything is okay? I don’t think so. Kids take their parents as they see them. As long as there’s love, I think they’ll be fine. My mom switched to a banking career from a linguistics major, and she had to get all her professional certifications to boost her. My childhood was her working long hours at the bank, and going to school on the weekends. We stayed up late till 10, 11, we had to watch Passions at 9. That’s how we got to see them at night. Were our brains retarded from the late nights? No. According to Nollywood, having that kind of busy mom, I should have ended up pregnant, somehow my siblings and I should all be dysfunctional, but we are quite alright. It felt like the most normal thing in the world. I grew closer to my mom in my late teens, I really got to know her. I still don’t want to talk to her about guys, but that’s okay.

    I don’t know about being a wife, but I want kids. One or two- just enough, because I’m not even good with babies (I get tired and am almost always grateful to return them to their parents) but babies grow older. I worry about not being able to give enough of myself, or spread my love around. His/ her/ their mother will be busy trying to have it all. I’ll do my best to protect them, make sure they are good people, give them a wide and balanced view of the world. That I believe, is enough.

  16. Toby
    hi S, even though i never comment on this blog i always look forward to your posts. the ideas you have about marriage and children are exactly how i see life. its like because i am not exactly a writer , you write everything i feel. i had an argument the other day with a guy that said women who don’t want kids are just being lazy. i am not lazy and i absolutely love working(career/biz) , but marriage and kids scare me. i don’t want to live that life of conforming to society while not living the happy fulfilled life i want. Every woman cant want the same thing, i hate to cook and children scare me. the only reason i am dating is because my partner likes to cook and would most likely take up that role if i somehow decide i want to do the marriage thingy.
    thanks for your posts, makes me know that i am not alone.
    1. S
      Good to meet you Toby,
      You are not alone.
      There are some of us who dont want being a mother to be one of our life accomplishments and it’s perfectly okay.
  17. Richat18
    Lmao… You’re just too young. When you get older you have less things going for you except maybe a job and some hobbies and children bring more entertainment than sadness to your life.
  18. Mrs Lover
    You know these kids can take care of themselves … God is looking out for them.
    My fear is the new size of my vagina outta popping those bodies out. I mean there are still sexy sessions with the husband after the kids.
    Now, that is my major problem… uggggh!!!
    Probably be that female in the labor ward screaming in frantic seriousness ” One of for the husband!!” while the throwing in those stitches.. More Grace dear lawd!!
  19. B
    In conclusion, i love your posts. I love you #NoHomo There’s just always something about them. On this particular post, i feel you. I have some of the fears stated above and wonder if i’ll be a good mother. I want children but i’m scared.

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