Have Feminists Ruined Dating for Men?


Consent has become important in dates and sex, but are women taking it too far when they still shame men who openly ask for sex?


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When men and women meet up, some form of performance review happens afterwards. The man sees his boys and gives them a recap. If he did poorly, he either makes the lady look bad or props himself up. The lady does the same with her girls. Women are usually more honest in these things. They’re more into the particulars, into how the man compared to their expectations, his looks, his attitude to them, and even how he regarded people around them.

If all goes as planned, neither party becomes aware of how they’ve been presented to the performance review committee of friends. If it’s a poor date, the two never meet up again and they both disappear into the routines of their lives, becoming just another face at the bar, another number in the contacts list. If they choose to give it another try, the lady might catch some parts of her review when one of the boy’s friends wink at him in approval. Women are usually less transparent if the review was good, but they would show their disapproval if the review was less than stellar. Rarely, though, do these review happen in public.

A tale unfolded on a section of Nigerian Facebook last week involving a guy and a lady who went out and came to air the aftermath of their bad date on Facebook. The details of the drama are too long, the characters too silly to fully recount here. The summary of it was that the two of them met for the first time at the home of the guy’s friends. The man propositioned for sex. The lady declined and went home. She felt embarrassed later—one assumes, because she was made to look easy. She took to Facebook share her embarrassment. She didn’t name the guy, yet he took umbrage at her choice of platform to discuss their failed dalliance. And the rest was yam pepper scatter scatter.

Of all responses to this communications mess, the most interesting was of men who took to Facebook crying about the potential of women megaphoning their sexual missteps. The worst of these wrote mock non-disclosure agreements they intend to present to women who they know online but choose to later meet offline. The inherent arrogance in this is, of course, obvious. The kind non-billionaire man who thinks he’s so good women will sign a contract just to meet him, even as a joke, is one who hasn’t learnt the limits of his hubris.

The more fascinating bit of this, however, is how men are now in a precarious situation. Perhaps, for the first time in their lives they have to carefully judge what happens when they meet up with women. This is an action that is exclusively known to women (or other minority groups). They are the ones who have had to judge the way men perceive them. Both as a precaution, in case they’re meeting with a potential Lekki Liar or a serial killer on the prowl, or for fear of rejection. Men have always acted with the belief that whatever they do to women, during a date, will be without consequence.

This change is partly possible because of the increase in people who have taken shame out of sex. There was a time when a woman admitting to meeting with a man and being offered sex, even if she refused, couldn’t be aired in public without being shot down by people hung up on morals no one really follows. Sex has always been a conquest for men, an experience to be survived for women.

At the first sight of an upset in this relationship, men have chosen to present themselves as victims. It’s good to examine their concerns. The body wants what the body wants, they claim, so when they meet women, they still want to find out if the other party is open to sex. How do we do this when women take offense at a polite request, they ask. What then is consent, they wonder, if we can’t even walk up to ladies and ask if they would like to go to bed with us. Isn’t that what women want? Don’t they desire honest men who will be sincere with what they want, rather than play games with their hearts and jilt them once the ‘box is smashed’?

I remember reading The Power, Booker-winning novel by Naomi Alderman, and feeling an exhilaration at the ability of women to release electrical currents from their fingers, thus becoming more powerful than men. This is fantasy. But in watching the men whinge about their dwindling ability to solicit sex without implications, I caught glimpses of a world where a woman can zap a man who asks for sex without fitting her expectations. This is horror for men, but the reverse has always been reality for women.

So, do men now need a pre-consent to gain consent? Perhaps they do. Mating dances are complicated; why should adult human males have it easy because they have penises and can do whatever they want? Women have always had to gauge the responses of their partners and adjust behaviour to keep themselves safe. Now, with the ubiquity of social media and the rare opportunity it presents, giving women as much power and influence as men, the table is being turned, one shamed man at a time. Men can argue about the fairness of this and blame the feminists all they want, but they shouldn’t expect sympathy from women. If you want sex, learn to preen yourself for the woman to desire like the adult cock you are.

Do you think men are being treated unfairly now? Do you think the nice things men can do is being lost to the overreaction of women? Do you think feminists have not done enough and more men need to be shamed? Let’s hear you speak. Do it freely.


  1. OluGt
    Enough of this ridiculous happenings… This is 2017.

    Living things have been made to be comfortable with or to get used to their being. If you subscribe to creationism, you are welcome. If you are for evolution, you are welcome. It remains that women, like men, enjoy sex. Don’t be brainwashed. Any deviation from that is a problem (healthwise, psychologically, etc.). Women pass through labour to give birth, but has that stopped majority of women from desiring to bear babies? No. And that is the only default life-threatening experience that I know is associated with women only.

    It is factual, that a typical Nigerian woman would have sex with a guy, who takes care of the basic expenses associated with transportation, refreshments, etc. but not pay for the sex, would go ahead to let the guy know she feels “stupid”. That’s absurd. It is because she expects to be compensated in some sort of ways. She has the feeling that she did the guy a favour by having sex with him. That’s absurd too.

    The majority of Nigerian women are needy and/or proud. They want you to pay for sex, directly or indirectly. That’s how many of them make extra or major income. If you exhibit behaviours opposed to their expectations, they say, with their cunning mindset, you are not a real man. They prefer men who are indeed disappointments to manhood, who would rather pay for sex. It is the same case, most times, whether the man is an equalist or a traditionalist.

    Besides, who do these women expect men to have sex with? Who else would a man have sex with? And who else would a woman have sex with?

    The problem is the men who keep paying for sex. Women are so united in making men pay for sex, but men are so not united to go against this ridiculous trend. I have noticed something though. Only men who make money via illegitimate means or who get relatively free moneys don’t see anything wrong in paying for sex…mere sex. It is ridiculous they call themselves real men. It amuses me. They keep deceiving themselves.

    So, women stop complaining about men asking to have sex with you. You are not super-humans nor sub-humans.

    1. 'E Post author
      Hi OluGt,

      So, the thing is, child-birth isn’t nearly as much of a threat a women as harassment from men are. Or do you think women don’t harassed by men? Don’t you think this happens too much to be disregarded?

      Also, if you were referring to the situation in the story referenced above, the lady didn’t have sex with the guy. We do agree though that women shouldn’t see having sex with men doing them a favour, the way men shouldn’t see themselves as being entitled to the bodies of women.

      As for men paying for sex: if they want to have it freely without regard for the people they’re having sex with, they better be ready to pony up the cash, whether legitimate or not.

      I don’t know what you mean by mere sex though. If it’s mere sex, doesn’t that mean people who ‘enjoy’ it are abnormal? And if majority of humanity ‘enjoys’ it, doesn’t that make us all abnormal then?

      1. OluGt
        First off, I expected a wiser and well-thought-out response from whomever was gonna reply me than you did.

        You have said a few things and here are my responses, highlighted as follows…
        * Both men and women get harassed by the opposite gender. Even if facts and figures are higher on the side of women, it doesn’t mean women should be treated more specially, relative to men, as regards that.

        * You cannot generalize that about men. Learn to use the word “some”. You should have simply said “some men”. Besides, just as some men see the bodies of women as their entitlements, some women do, too, to men. It’s like you are unaware of such women who get into relationships with certain men just to, for example, accessorize them. It’s wrong for one to think of the opposite gender’s body as an entitlement.

        * I’m against prostitution, and your point about that men should “pony up the cash,…” just wanna make me stop responding to you, because that’s typical of proponents of prostitution. Women don’t exist at the expense of men, even though lots of brainwashed men already think women do. Having sex should be a dealing free of oddly weighted costs, and no one should pay for it, by default. The mindset backing the desire to have free sex is not necessarily that which disregards the opposite gender. You should have known better by now. With the right mindset, it is about equality.

        * By “mere sex”, I implied that sex is something very important and a natural thing, but that many women have hijacked to wrongly let men perceive as something that the existence of men inevitably depends on. Many women use sex to selfishly control men, because men are relatively more carefree about the notion of sex.

        So, do learn something from my responses and get the right perspective.

      2. OluGt
        Also, you seem to be of the opinion that women don’t enjoy sex relative to men, by expecting men to pay for it by you saying…
        “…they better be ready to pony up the cash, whether legitimate or not.”
        And that implies that you are also of the opinion that women do men favours by having sex with them, even though you also said…
        “We do agree though that women shouldn’t see having sex with men doing them a favour…”

        You have to write carefully because you already contradicted yourself.

        Women do and/or should enjoy sex, by nature. Any deviation from that has some problems (healthwise, psychologically, etc.) involved, analogous to how homosexuality keeps gaining approval from certain sects instead of them seeing it as a problem to the human race that they should rather make efforts to remedy.

        1. 'E Post author
          I’ll as much as I can keep track of the arguments above, starting with your claim that I contradicted myself by simultaneously saying no gender should see sex as a favour to the other and men should pony up for sex.

          You should note that I made the claim that men should pay with a qualifier: if a man thinks he wants to have sex without the emotional entanglements of a relationship, without navigating the ‘messiness’ of making himself attractive enough for the woman such that she is ready to have sex with him of her own volition, then he should be ready to pay for it. It’s as simple as that. Men who are against prostitution should also remember that the profession exists because there are members of their clan who will rather just ‘smash and leave’ than take care of the mind and body that bears the ‘box’.

          Generalisations are inevitable in rhetoric, it is when they are done hastily that they are considered a fallacy. So, we say “what goes up must come down,” but of course know flying animals and objects are an exception to the rule. Some men do exist who do not feel entitled to women’s bodies. But you can’t honestly think they are in the majority, or of a significant number enough to make a woman walking through Yaba comfortable.

          The fact that statistically more women are harassed by men than the other way round is exactly why society needs to change its attitude towards women. To agree with the facts (re: harassment) but disagree with the necessity of change is to admit that you do not care what happens to women.

          It was Oscar Wilde who said “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

          Why do you think armies through the ages and around the world use sex as part of warfare, raping women in places they conquer? Do you really believe, as you seem to imply above, that women are the ones who have hijacked sex and weaponised it at the expense of men?

          1. OluGt
            I will not repeat myself. My previous responses cover your new responses.

            Please, help yourself. Go purge your thinking, as regards relationships between men and women. Afterwards, come back to re-read my earlier responses with an open mind.

            Your thinking is crude.

      1. OluGt
        One thing about you women feminists is that most of you think that feminism is something about making men humble, or making men give room for women like a favour, or making women get ahead of men, or making men give more regard to women than the men do to their individual selves, or constraining men to retaining their historically traditional roles but letting women move on from their historically traditional roles. No, it’s none of the aforementioned.

        Feminism is simply about equality. It is about not restraining women, and men too, to their historically traditional roles, except for the obvious biological ones.

        Feminism is equality. It is not some sort of struggle meant to put women before men. It is meant to put women side by side with men.

      2. OluGt
        One thing about you women feminists is that most of you think that feminism is something about making men humble, or making men give room for women like a favour, or making women get ahead of men, or making men give more regard to women than the men do to their individual selves, or constraining men to retaining their historically traditional roles but letting women move on from their historically traditional roles. No, it’s none of the aforementioned.
        Feminism is simply about equality. It is about not restraining women, and men too, to their historically traditional roles, except for the obvious biological ones.

        Feminism is equality. It is not some sort of struggle meant to put women before men. It is meant to put women side by side with men.

        1. pearl osibu
          Considering that I have agreed with like two of your comments, I’m now wondering whether you are agreeing with me or contesting my reply. Read my reply also to Quil. It’s more detailed and I detailed my position there, which was (again) in agreement with yours.

          “One thing about you women feminists” nah, you couldn’t have read my comments. No way you read my comments. Generalization much? Don’t do that. Everyone has their definition of feminism – some correct (from my POV) some not just erroneous but insidious and mischievous. But my defense of feminism remains that if despite how much religion has been bastardized, it persists, I’m sure feminism – which is new in relation – can be allowed to survive. People will always understand things differently or use them for their own agenda. Doesn’t make it a bad thing, nor does it besmirch everyone else who identifies with the label.

          1. OluGt
            I’m sorry Pearl, I traced your earlier comment and it seemed to point to you responding to Quil. Then, I thought you didn’t understand me. Afterwards, I understood you from your other comment, but there seems to be no delete button. Even when I tried to repost, i.e. redirect, my response to the main article, I still made a mistake, reposting it here again.

            Although, my “One thing about you women feminists” line was intended, but I agree it’s a mistake because I now know I misunderstood you.

            I’m in agreement with you. I’m a feminist, but since many get it wrongly, I prefer to say I’m an equalist.

            Thank you for your reasonable opinion.

        2. Pearl Osibu
          Thank you.

          After replying, I myself read through the comments and realized that my comment was caught in the middle of a maelstrom (LOL) and your comment might not have been directed at mine. I think this site needs to be reorganized. It’s all a jumble. Quite frankly can’t tell who is replying to whom.

  2. Quil
    Well this is certainly a very illuminating topic. I didn’t grow up in Nigeria so my experiences in North America are completely different. A woman that expects to be paid for sex is either a prostitute or a gold-digger. Here any girl that sleeps with a guy after the first date is branded a whore or slut. The first few dates are about getting to know each other and discovering if there’s any chemistry between you two. It’s the guy’s responsibility to pay for the dates. If the girl likes you, she’ll offer to split the bill with you. Then she’ll give you the privilege of dropping her off in front of her house. When she’s ready, she’ll invite you over for “coffee”. The woman dictates the level of intimacy and the man’s role is to keep her interested. This whole idea of walking up to a girl and asking her for sex explicitly is brutish, rude and easily viewed as harassment. It does work on some women but at that point you’re rolling the dice on the sort of woman that’s sleeping with several men at the same time she’s intimate with you.
    1. OluGt
      Everything I can see from your post is that women do men favours by being in relationships with them. If you can’t understand why your opinion is crude, go purge your thinking, as far as relationships between men are women are concerned, then, come back to give a well-thought-out opinion.

      It will be a waste of my precious time to pick every word you have written and give them my adequate responses now, because you need to first purge your mindset. If/when you are ready to hear my opinion, give me a response.

    2. pearl osibu
      Again, I agree with OluGt. I have always shrunk at the idea that as a woman, I am some kind of trophy that needs to be worked for, courted, pleaded with; the irony of this is when a woman wants a man badly enough, nobody has all these expectations of her. She just asks and expects to be given, without a song and dance and literally begging for it. The woman dictating the level of intimacy is what, power? Bah. I want power in the boardroom. Not in stringing a guy along and deciding when it is time to drop my pants and by how many inches his penis can enter my…you get the picture. If we truly want and believe in equality, all these double standards have to stop.

      That said, Quil, I understand your description of brutish behavior, I do. I would be offended if someone (read ‘stranger’) just walked up to me and said nice ass, I’d like to bend you over and take you five ways from Sunday, like bitch, get out of here. But that’s not because we’re talking sex. It’s the same way I’d react to a stranger coming to my house, sprawling on my couch and rummaging through my fridge. This restraint and feeling out to see that we’re on the same page, it’s not about sex, it’s about basic courtesy. I meet some people and it feels like I have known them from another life. I let them in. But then I meet others and am restrained as I feel them out slowly. I have had situations where a guy was upfront with me about what he wanted, sex. When emotional entanglements got in the way, I took responsibility because I knew the score. On the other hand, I have had guys do the song and dance and all they wanted was sex. That is what actually hurts.

      1. Quil
        Like I implied in earlier posts I’m unfamiliar with Nigerian dating culture where people cut the bullshit and make it obvious what they want unless I’m in a club or party setting where the obvious flirting is aimed at one goal; getting laid. When I say women dictate the level of intimacy, that’s in reference to feminine non-verbal body queues that indicate consent which I’m supposed to pick up on during a conversation and act upon before she gets frustrated. That’s probably a North-American aesthetic but you are right; equality of the sexes should also mean equality in the rules of engagement.
  3. Quil
    Who else is a man supposed to be in a relationship with? It’s the law of supply and demand. There are many men a beautiful woman can choose from especially if there are many men banging at her door. A man has no choice in how receptive a woman will be towards him. It’s a risk he takes every time he puts his heart out there. She has no obligation to reciprocrate the feelings and gifts given freely by a man. Who would you rather trust anyway? A woman that loves you from the bottom of her heart or one who only shows you love because you shower her with lavish gifts? If the goal is a relationship then you can only do your best and hope for the best but if all you want is sex then there are a plethora of women who are willing to offer up the goods for a price. A woman that knows how beautiful she is and what men are willing to pay for it, is free to exploit herself as she chooses. If you want the good woman, you’re gonna have to work harder in the personality department.
    1. OluGt
      You tried to make sense, but your bias mindset didn’t let you. All I can see is your support for prostitution and you persisting with the opinion that, by default, women do men favours by being in relationships with them.

      You cannot cunningly make it seem like your opinions are not nonsensical. Just because some, of older generations, did it in a similar but more mutual way, which I call the traditional way, does not make it entirely right, because they did not know better, even though they tried to make it as mutual as possible. Today’s women are leaving the traditional role that older generation women took and expecting men to not leave the roles older generation men too. Majority of today’s women just keep getting more cunning because there are still many men out there who keep disappointing manhood.

      Something that is wrong should not be encouraged and made the normal, it should be righted instead.

  4. Giving up
    I haven’t a clue as to how to ask women out so I gave up. Online dating isn’t for me, how am I supposed to know If I like someone from a doctored photo from 10 years ago and a 5 word profile?

    I feel like I have to take responsibility for every jerk that doesn’t care about women or anyone but himself and all the hurtful things their past BF did.

    That is why I don’t date, I haven’t asked out a women in 15 years. Rarely do women ask me out , I try to politely turn them down and spare their feelings (A courtesy few women gave me when I tried the same)

    I have my career, I have my house a nice car and time to travel, I keep myself in top physical shape. I’d love to find a good women and always wanted to be a dad.

    Now I’m turning 40 I know this will never happen. I try to be optimistic but every year I get more depressed. I simply don’t understand women I’m as clueless as they are about men.

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