Yesterday, I was talking to my girl about holding d*cks. Stay with me….. I was telling her about how I found myself just that morning, holding on to the d*ck of my current male interest. I wasn’t sucking it, or particularly stroking it (just a little bit owwwwww Cardi voice.) I was mostly just holding, caressing, examining it even.
And so I asked my girl if that was something she had ever done, or is/would be comfortable doing the same. My girl, head tilted, eyeballs in the direction of the ceiling “No, I don’t think so”.
See I had hypothesized that for most women, the answer would be “no”. And finally, with my collective sample size of 1, I was able to conclude that I was correct.
Now, there is a high possibility that I just happen to be mad. Because who the hell just sits and touches the d*ck without doing anything, or even planning to do anything with it? Who sits there and has conversations while holding and looking at the DDDD??? (‘Twas a hefty one) Well, who said anything needed to be done with it?
We started talking about why we had never done it and agreed that it was because we found it too intimidating – the kind of intimidation that would eventually manifest as awkwardness. And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t always felt unburdened to fill what felt like empty/awkward spaces with something. D*ck…. it’s just there; really it just hangs. It’s a tool, both literally and figuratively. Nonetheless, when we, the unfortunate heteros interact with this tool, we do so believing that something must be done with it. Something that brings pleasure to the man- as to not bore him, or tease him for too long, because his pleasure is not to be toyed with.
I understand that there is such a thing as teasing and it is not what I’m trying to address, as teasing carries a sexual element/undertone. But I ask again, have you ever innocently just caressed the d*ck? It’s ok, I laughed too. Of course, when I discussed my discovery with said male-interest, he expressed that this “pressure” wasn’t something he was familiar with. In fact, while writing this, I found myself almost writing the following:
“No, of course, you shouldn’t just go around teasing or arousing people without plans to help them reach a climax. It isn’t fair.” But then again when I think about who it is unfair to, I’m going to be honest with you: I’m mostly thinking of the man. Now I know that I have social conditioning to thank for this, but while I’m on this journey to unlearn, I find myself more interested in sexual pleasure and how we’ve come to determine which gender is more burdened with delivering pleasure – and thus, who feels more entitled to it. I find it interesting that a man can play with my most sensitive areas, especially while in a state of relaxation and not be too concerned with how unfair it is to me, just because it might arouse me. How for him, it can just be ‘intimacy’. But for me, his climax seems like my top priority.
Why is my response to the idea of a man’s arousal, the instant need to satisfy and “settle” him? Why is arousing him without eventually helping him climax “unfair” to him? Especially if said sexual arousal functions the same way in both men and women? And WHYYYY (oh God) does this pressure not swing both ways?
Could it be that I had just never found the man that I was comfortable enough to do that with? I don’t know. I think that a lot of women were at some point like me – conditioned to believe that pleasure and sex, in general, is just another thing that you give to the man. That the end result of sex itself is the man’s pleasure. Which truly, is unfortunate, because that isn’t how it should be. In intimate spaces most especially, I don’t think anyone should be afraid to just touch- to tease even, without the added pressure of needing to “settle”.
I also think part of this – non-pressurized d*ck-grabbing- is me embracing my space fully in these settings – and part of that is deciding not to ignore discomfort, no matter how awkward it may seem. Part of it is understanding that I matter, just as much as he does (shit, more if we’re really being honest) and that I need to be honest at all times with myself- and him, about what I want. The end result should be mutually enjoyed.
It makes me think about our relationship with the male’s body and how much unrestricted access (even with the men we are intimate with) we think we have to it. I’ve experienced non-sexual intimacy with men. I’ve had naked conversations, complete with soft kisses and beautiful bullshit.
BUT HAVE YOU EVER JUST HELD THE D*CK THOO?? No? Ok.
Alexa, play Brandy’s “Have You Ever”
Thanks for attending my Ted Talk.