Hello and hi, rape conversations have recently increased due in part to the pervasiveness of rape in India. Also, a recent incident caused a stir in our own local social media circles.
Below is a letter I received almost a year ago and I am reposting it because today is a good day to give rape victims a voice.
Rape: A girls worst nightmare….. you are there thinking ‘ it will never happen to me’ The truth is, it can.
It happened to me.
So many girls/women out there are being raped everyday but no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to admit it happened or go to the police. Trust me I know the feeling.
When it happened to me 4 years ago, I didn’t open up to my family, not even my friends knew about what happened. I was scared. I felt alone and dirty.
Sometimes I still do.
Here’s my story….
During my Unilag days, I was the party girl who loved to just have a good time. Looking back now, I lived a life of risk, partying, drinking, fucking, drugs,etc. I am pretty girl, can never remember ever being broke in my life, my dad always made sure money was never my problem. Although I was on campus, getting an education wasn’t my priority. I would sleep miss lectures because I was out until very late the previous night. Maybe I was just young and foolish or probably just missing my mum who did when I was 5. As an only child, I remember feeling lonely a lot My dad never remarried so I never had other brothers or sisters. I guess being a girl also made my relationship with my dad hard so I used to go and stay a lot with other friends in their houses. Once I was in Abuja and I went to a house party with a friend I met in school and her boyfriend.
We got there and the party was in full swing, after a while, my friend, her boyfriend and a few other people left the main area where the party was happening and went upstairs to kind of chill. I think at some point I feel asleep because when I woke up, the party was almost over. There were only about ten people there including my friend and me left in the house. One of the two guys who lived in the house and had organised the took an interest in me. I was kinda high and tipsy and flirting a lot too. We drove off to go look for cigarette and on the way, he said he wanted me to spend the night, I agreed. When we got back to the house I informed my friend that I was gonna spend the night. She kept telling me that it wasn’t a good idea and even got her boyfriend involved. I insisted and she finally gave up. My friend left along with the others. The people remaining now were the two brothers, 2 other girls and me. The youngest brother pulled me aside and warned me that his brother was dangerous and that I should stay in his room instead. At the time, it didn’t make sense to me, I thought the guy just wanted an excuse to sleep with me so I told him no. I walked away to go sit next to his elder brother who was playing a Nintendo game or something like that.
For more than one hour, this guy just totally ignored me and focused on his game, I was getting bored and sleepy from all the drinking. I became uneasy and started wondering if this decision to stay was a good one after all, but it was too late. I was so tipsy and exhausted that even I knew I was helpless if anything wrong happened. I finally told him I was tired and wanted to sleep, it was as if that was what he was waiting to hear all along. He took me to his room and he asked me if I wanted to shower. He brought out new boxers and t shirts and left the room. I remember thinking ‘oh, what a gentle man’. I had a shower, felt slightly better and jumped on the bed to sleep. Barely 5 minutes later, he came into the room and joined me on the bed. He didn’t even say a word, he just started kissing my neck and shoulders moving to my lips. I went along with it. I didn’t know what else to do. After all he did ask me to spend the night and I said yes. I guess based on my ‘positive’ responses, he stood up and locked the doctor. Next thing, he brought out a camera and started taking pictures of me without even asking. I knew this wasn’t right. I made an excuse that the room was too cold and covered myself with the duvet. He took off his clothes remaining only his boxers and joined me. We started making out again but this time, he was rough and aggressive like a hungry lion. My heart started beating faster and I asked him to stop. Laughing he put his hand under my the shirt I was wearing to fondle my breasts, not that I would have minded having sex with him or anything, but his aggression was what set my alarm off. Next thing, he wanted to finger me, that was when I held his hand and looked him in the eye and told him to stop, that I didn’t like what he was doing. He didn’t even say anything; he held my neck pinning me down and took the boxers I was wearing off.
You see it was like slow motion, I started crying asking him to stop. The same thing kept coming out of my mouth “stop, please stop” knowing he had no intentions of stopping. What I had imagined rape being like was just the thought of aggressive sex. The hitting, the beating, and then it’s over but I was wrong. This guy didn’t hit me, it was as if he was gonna fuck me the same way whether I wanted it or not. He didn’t threaten me, just knowing I was in his house and he was in control simply paralysed and all I could do was beg. I closed my eyes and wondered and tried to blank it all out but I couldn’t because it was happening, every girls nightmare. I suddenly got courage and started kicking and pushing but being a size 6, I was no match for this guy. All this while he had not even brought his dick out. He just kept on acting like my resistance was all part of the sex.
Next thing he got up took off his boxers and said ‘you see how big I am? You are gonna enjoy this’ I was paralysed with fear, he started stroking himself after rubbing KY jelly until he became hard. I came back to the bed and penetrated me. I was a willing victim, no struggle, no resistance. It was painful, very painful. I had accepted my fate and knew I was stupid for staying in the house of s stranger I had just met. My body, my soul, and my mind were worn out. I closed my eyes as he grunted and moaned. He didn’t cum, after a while, he just stood up, wore his boxers and left the room. I was sweating and my private part felt bruised. I laid there as still as I could, wanting so bad to run out of that house and scream. But I didn’t, after like 5 minutes when I was sure he wasn’t coming back, I stood up, locked the doctor and went into the bathroom and took a shower, exactly like you see it in the movies, I just broke dwon and started crying. I don’t know how long I was in the shower for but I when I came out, I noticed it was almost morning as the day was already getting bright. I got dressed and unlocked the doctor. I walked into the living room and he was sitted playing his video game. He turned and looked at me…….he smiled.I picked up my phone I had left charging and saw 27 missed calls from my friend. She sent me a BB she was angry, that it wasn’t right that I was ignoring her calls because she was going crazy worrying about me. I just replied and I said I was sorry, I was asleep and my phone was charging in the sitting room. Till today she had no idea what happened and I was in no position to tell her what had happened, or anyone for that matter. I walked out of the compound and took a cab back to my friend’s house. She wasn’t home when I got there so I just went to her room and ………..I cried.
All this happened four years ago. I won’t say I was foolish, stupid or that I deserved it because I was a wild girl. No girl deserves to be raped even if she walks around naked. I graduated without an extra year and guess what? With second class upper. That night changed me emotionally. I gradually became outgoing again, I still partied, drank smoked weed but never spent a private moment with anybody of the opposite sex.
Efe, I share this with you for two reasons.
1: There are girls out there who have experienced abuse and need to hear a story similar to mine. They need to know that they are not alone and that no matter what, they are not unworthy or filthy even though they feel that way. I still have days where I think about what happened and I want to kill myself. That night ruined my self-esteem and my relationship with guys but I refuse to let it bind me forever.
2: I needed to tell someone. I needed to let it all out and face the reality of my past because I realise that is the only way I can heal. Pushing it to the back of my mind and acting like it never happed won’t make it go away. I feel better knowing that my story can help someone else cope.
If this happens to you……tell someone. Don’t be ashamed, make a big deal out of it and shame your rapist, he may not go to jail because of our useless legal system but he will think twice before doing it again. And if he does denies it, don’t worry, when the next girl he tries it with raises alarm, people will connect the dots and then everybody will know he is one of the rapist amongst us.
Most importantly, you were not raped because you are a slut or wore sexy clothes or anything like that, you were raped because some men are beasts and you were just unfortunate to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Thank you, Linda
Do you have a personal story to tell or a question to ask?
Send an email to [email protected] and I will treat it discretely.
It will only be published with your permission.