Why Am I Good Enough To Sleep With But Not To Wife

We’ve got a really tough question before us today. I think it’s similar to the question a chic asks after she dates a guy for years and they break up only for the same guy to propose to another chic in a matter of months. I’ve taken a shot at answering the latter and now, we are…

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We’ve got a really tough question before us today. I think it’s similar to the question a chic asks after she dates a guy for years and they break up only for the same guy to propose to another chic in a matter of months. I’ve taken a shot at answering the latter and now, we are hopefully going to solve this mystery too.

Back in uni, from my late teens to early twenties, I must say that every single relationship/situationship I got myself into, was primarily driven by lust. Forget friendship, companionship, personality, wit, humour and all those other qualities; back then it was all about the TFA (tits, face and ass). My definition of long-term back then was probably the end of the next semester or maybe the end of Uni so there wasn’t much to bother about. If I could find a chic who looked good enough to ‘meet my physical requirements’ and she complimented this with above-average to freak level bedroom skills, that for me was the definition of perfection.

I got my fair share of TFA but as I grew older, my checklist for a potential partner expanded beyond three body parts. I had grown older, explored the world a bit, suffered heartbreak, received cold unfriendly slaps from adulthood and generally experienced a lot more things in life to make me realize that I needed to seek out prospects with more depth. Some of the things I started looking out for went beyond the logical to the emotional axis and so, I’ll just sum them up with one word – love.

In summary, as I transitioned from a teenager to a younger adult and then a full grown man, my requirements for a potential partner went from only lust to lust and love. For those who don’t understand the difference, lets just say lust in this context is all the physical attributes, which attracts a man to a woman (remember TFA). Of course this also extends to how she uses these attributes. On the other side, love in this context is the non-physical stuff like her level of intelligence (s/o to the sapios), humour, faith in God, her home-making skills, etc etc.

At this point, I’m going to write out two equations to help us understand this better.

S = Lu

W = Lu + Lo

The first simply means sex equals lust and the second means wife equals lust plus love.

The moment a guy sees a girl, even before she opens her mouth to say a word to him, he can pretty much conclude on the lust part of these equations. Even though lust as represented here can be further broken down into sub components, it’s probably one of the easiest and quickest checklists to run though for guys. Take the following checklist for instance:

  1. Larger than A-cup – check
  2. Light skin – check
  3. Nice smile – meh
  4. No potbelly – check
  5. Phat ass – check check

And just like that, a guy can quickly arrive at a lust value for a chic. In the example above, we can say her lust value is 4 or 80% if you will.

On the flip side, grading the love element for a chic is far from easy especially for us guys. If we liken it to an exam, it’s not one with multiple choice questions where you just tick off right or wrong answers. It’s also not like a theory exam where the student has to explain their answer. The best way I would describe it is like one of those silly chemistry lab experiments they made us do in secondary school where you would have a range of answers for one experiment and marks were given for procedure etc. What I’m trying to say is, judging anyone on Love is tough. And I guess this is why there’s the natural expectation that there’ll be some significant time difference between the point where you meet someone and when you ascertain your value of love for them (sorry all you love at first sight advocates).

And so, going back to the title of this post and the question at hand, if you believe a guy thinks you’re good enough to sleep with but not wife, chances are, you are right. You tick all the boxes for someone he’d sleep with but you’re either not quite there for someone he’ll love or he’s still evaluating you. Yes, it’s harsh but it’s the truth. What you need to understand is that it’s not always done with evil intentions – we all want what we want. This theory isn’t restricted to men because women do it too but in their case, the equation is slightly more complicated seeing as they are special beings.

Now before you come at me and ask how long this “evaluation process” takes, the answer is – I have no idea. This is a very personal process, which every guy runs at his own pace. However, what you should understand is that most guys are not half as discerning as women due to our constantly suppressed emotions and so, it probably takes us longer to discover things the average chic notices at first glance.

The next question will probably be why some guys don’t come out to just say the truth after they grade you for both love and lust. Well, that for me is just evil and it’s another topic on its own. I’m not sure I can come up with any excuse for guys who do this but whether our women are ready to hear the truth is also another angle to explore.

*****

I have presented my equation, it’s time to read your thoughts. Have you ever been in this situation where you felt a guy only wanted you for sex? How did you deal with it? Do you just think all men are scum? For the guys, is there anything we can do to help women understand this theory better? Please use the comment box to share your views.

Responses

  1. Chris
    I really love this. Maybe this will help ladies (and to some extent some guys) to understand men better. I came to understand this after I took a year’s sabbatical from the dating scene and as a rule, if I see a lady I fancy, I’ll take you through three months test to ascertain if what I feel is just lust or there’s more to it. It has saved me so many times as what I perceive as ‘love’ fades away pretty fast.

    Secondly, I think any lady that says ‘I get tired quickly’ should also reassess themselves. They may be suffering from inability to decipher the difference between their lust and the real thing.

    Nice article .

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Thanks for reading Chris.. Here’s you chapman c[_] for being first to comment. And I absolutely agree with you on this line “…They may be suffering from inability to decipher the difference between their lust and the real thing.”
  2. Hephie Brown
    I’m tired of this grading system. I’m tired of waiting to see if i’m ever good enough for a man to marry me.. It will always be a man’s world eh? And there’s nothing them feminist can do about it. But I just hate it.. the self doubt and esteem blow that comes out of it. sigh.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      lol.. Sorry?
      But you do know the time it takes to grade is not down to it being a man’s world.. it’s just something that has to take some time because unlike lust it cant be evaluated instantly. And if you know and accept this then you shouldn’t have to struggle with self esteem. One man’s evaluation of “his” love for you shouldn’t have any impact on your self esteem.
      1. Hephie Brown
        “One man’s evaluation of “his” love for you shouldn’t have any impact on your self esteem.” Not me thank God..I know a lot of women who feel so bad after dating a guy for years and he wakes up one day and says she lacks this or that quality he really needs in his future wife. two relationships later she starts asking if something is wrong with her which is why she hasn’t been picked. You know the Shiloh joke right? Or your family members asking what you’ve been doing wrong.. but then he loves you doesnt mean he’ll choose you. you could almost swear he’ll spend every single minute of his life beside you but he goes for the girl with the obviously bigger bum and the not so obvious quality he swears she has. Men just like to eat their cake and have it because we give them the cake.

        @funmi-o I can definitely imagine that world! where we’re both evaluating each other and we both have all the time in the world and mummy isnt breathing down my neck.. where he ticks all the boxes for someone I can sleep with and not want to marry and no one calls me cold hearted..where once I make up my mind he is the one I can go on my knees(or not) and ask him to marry me without looking desperate and making headlines and he can either say yes or no and we both move on.

    2. Funmi Ogunlusi
      The key word in the phrase “self doubt” is SELF. No one imposes these rubbish rules on women more than women themselves. If we spent more time living our full lives and less worrying about being “wife material”, none of this would be an issue.

      Imagine a world where men and women actually related with each other based on personality and compatibility, and not one party trying to “win” the other. Men. Are. Not. A. Prize.

      1. Larz
        Thank you!

        Also, everyone need to have special ready made answers to put some nosy family members in their place respectfully. Becuz it doesn’t stop with your marital status. The sooner they know they got no chance with you the earlier they move on to other easier target.

        From the religious God is in Control / don’t you have faith anymore to would you like me to marry and divorce in a couple of months…never be caught unguarded

      2. canihaveanapplepie
        More people need to realise this. I’m still trying to understand why being someone’s wife is such a massive goal for so many people
    3. Larz
      Girl you need to take back control! You gotta score men too.
      During my single days, apart from one ex, none of the other guys I dated even came close to meeting my forever criteria.
  3. Funmi Ogunlusi
    The problem goes back to women treating sex as currency. If women stopped having sex with the expectation that they will be “wifed”, all these questions will be irrelevant because you’ll have focused on having a good time and moving on.

    Funny enough, saw another discussion on IG about how “undeserving” women get “wifed” due to their prowess in the sack, leaving “good girls” to roast on the shelf.

    Somehow it seems everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

    1. thetoolsman Post author
      Spot on. Sex should never be treated as currency but do you blame our women though? When we mystify it so much to young kids, it’s only expected. If we take sex education seriously and don’t set sex up to be more than it is (not like it’s not a lot), our women will be more sexually liberated enough to not think of it as a legal tender for which something must be given in exchange whenever they give it out.
    2. Mr X
      Somehow it seems everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side < COMMITMENT! There is POWER in being committed to something or someone and if you find that person you can be committed to, a lot of other positives will ooze out of that relationship. #MyOpinion
    1. Morris
      Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. I am seriously thinking about this your statement o. It will get to a point, somebori can owe you marriage. But if you are strictly saying not on the basis of sex, then Okay.
  4. Tomboxe
    I disagree almost entirely. The issues are immaturity (which is why my disagreement isn’t total), the fact that we view relationships as being completely different from friendships, and the sorry preconceptions we have about marriage.
  5. Tejflow
    If it’s taking a long while for a man who’s comfortable by all means to propose, he has probably concluded you are not the one. Men are natural conquerors and like the lion of the jungle, they like to mark their territory asap so no one gets it twisted. While it’s arguable that men don’t make up their mind if a woman is wifey material immediately they meet, a lot of men actually make up their mind straight up regarding a woman that is NOT wifey material. Some times, it doesn’t mean the lady is wild or bad or promiscuous but the circumstances surrounding the meetup is very key. It is important where and how a lady meets a man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. A promiscuous or wild guy is unlikely to want to spend the rest of his life with a woman he met at a club, bach eve, someone snatched /shared / met through someone else that was sleeping/dating the lady, or any other questionable environment. So most times, a man’s judgement or stalling or disinterest in considering some ladies wifey material dates back to how, why and where they met.
    1. thetoolsman Post author
      errrr.. Im not sure i agree with you on this where they met theory.. I mean, look around, what is that thing people always say about the hoes getting wifed before the good girls. Do they make sure to go to church just about enough times so that their prospective husbands meet them there? I think not.

      When a guy is ready to wife you, regardless of your past, where he met you, what you look like, he’ll damn every single thing and go ahead to do it.

      1. Tejflow
        “When a guy is ready to wife you, regardless of your past, where he met you, what you look like, he’ll damn every single thing and go ahead to do it.”

        loool. Maybe in American movies but I’ve found out that maybe just a very small percentile can carry out what you mentioned above. A lot of us are still tied to what society, friends and families think. And what do you mean by hoes? Who made or confirm them hoes just because they are not dressed like good girls or they gave it up on the first date? Were they acting like hoes to the man who wifed them? Or is it because of their past? I have met “good girls” who I’d never even recommend to a promiscuous male friend and I have met “hoes” who I won’t mind having as an in-law. Most times, we assume men want “righteous” women but that is not the case. How, when and where you meet your future spouse is enormously key and because a lot of people trivialize it is part reason for non-commitment on the part of some guys/ladies. And sometimes it’s not because the lady did not qualify to be wifed actually. Sometimes, it’s just the wrong time she met the guy. Just like when e-commerce first appeared before 2012. Nigeria wasn’t ready and a lot of online businesses collapsed but by 2012, nothing changed but just that Nigeria was ready for it.

        I sincerely believe how/when/where you meet your love really matters. And nope, i was not referring to church like you inferred above. I won’t even recommend anyone to get a spouse in church or any religious gathering. lool

        1. Morris
          Yep. I agree with the place of meeting having the influence mentioned. But i think the degree of influence is the same as ‘whether or not he feel you are physically compatible’. It’s there from the onset, if he however “falls in-love” with you, then, it wouldn’t matter to him anymore, at least, it shouldn’t.
        2. thetoolsman Post author
          I only mentioned hoes because of your reference to “club, bach eve” in your first comment. I don’t believe many guys want to be with ‘righteous’ women, if not, why is the concept of virginity slowly disappearing?

          i still maintain that guys looking to be in serious long term relationships/marriage care very little about where they meet their partners, who people think they are or their past. If you talk about factors such as religion, tribe, family background, I’d say maybe because those run deeper and are somewhat not completely in the hands of the guy to control. That being said, more and more nowadays I hear of couples that eloped. If a guy says he can’t commit long term to a chic because of something as flimsy as where they met, he’s not ready to commit at all.

          The “when” is also a valid one because if a guy isn’t ready, he just isn’t and that switch from not being ready to being ready can happen within a matter of months.

      2. Madu
        I agree with

        Hoes are hoes during their working hours. They become typical (referring to those who still look like human beings) when they change appearance and u meet them, for example, at your friend’s party. Meet them there and everything is cool until you begin to find out things that are not ‘joking struvz.’

        Men do not necessarily meet hoes at their offices/workshops.

        1. thetoolsman Post author
          haha.. then these ones are not hoes. Im talking people with nick names that constantly get thrown around the comment section of gossip blogs. Go and check, most of these so called ‘hoes’ are either married or in relationships – are you saying their men do not know their stories?

          Heck Bobrisky has a Bae -__-

          1. redforx
            Yeah, you have a strong point here.

            Talking of Bobrisky (rather, gays) and the rest hiding under the name of ‘cross-dressers’, Buhari’s govt need to do something about this.

            E don too much abeg.

    2. Sapphire
      Pray tell does this “If it’s taking a long while for a man who’s comfortable by all means to propose, he has probably concluded you are not the one. Men are natural conquerors and like the lion of the jungle, they like to mark their territory asap so no one gets it twisted.”also include a man who hasn’t recovered from a broken relationship?

      I mean will it take longer for such a man to conclude?

      1. Tejflow
        Well I should let them speak for themselves but truth is, when a man is fiercely in love and something happens to that love, it should take time to heal. That is then assuming that such man will not go into any relationship of any kind until healing takes place. This includes him not getting into any friends with benefits situation.

        So if a man “healing” from a broken relationship is keeping another woman on the side and for every time is confronted with the possibility of committing and he reminds her that he is still grieving/healing, loool, safe to say such man has healed completely and just wants to eat some cake and keep it.

        Different strokes for different folks though. I’ve however noticed that men tend to bounce back faster into another relationship after a break up and sometimes these relationships work out even if they seem like a rebound kind. Men have been told they have one track mind so to say so if they want something and they are attracted to it, na go be that. Doesn’t matter if someone’s ko ko shoe is still buried inside their heart. Another one that meets his need is here and that’s all that matters

        This is strictly my opinion based on personal experiences and direct conversations with guys….lots of them

    3. Cavey
      @morris
      Errr, I don’t agree where he meets you has anything to do with him wanting to wife you or not. In fact, him meeting you somewhere ‘naughty’ might be a very good thing ‘cos that already suggests that you have naughty potential.


      What I think is that a man who’s recuperating will and will not take longer. Meaning, it might take him a bit to see that you may be ‘the two’ because he’s still healing from ‘the one’ but once he’s gotten to a stage in his recovery, everything moves in fast forward because he knows there’s only so much healing he can do on his own. The rest, he knows someone has to help him with. is on to something about men having a one track mind and sometimes bouncing back faster. That’s because with each heartbreak, he knows his ‘tricks’ more (the ones that get the ladies), he knows what he wants in a woman and he’s more straightforward with what he wants.

      1. Morris
        Hi @cavey , like you said, different strokes for different folks. It could have that effect. I ended up giving it the same degree of influence his/her look might have on your decision to go into a relationship. also mentioned how society, friends, and family can have a say. The man/woman can simply refuse to put a little more into the relationship just because…
  6. MissC
    i agree with those who say don’t sex because you want marriage or relationship do it cos you want to. i’ve never been one to play hard-to-get and I am pretty clear on this. if i like you, and i want to f** with you, then i do, and if i don’t then i don’t and your pressurizing me won’t make me change my mind.

    about marriage, i partially agree, i think a lot of men (IMO) marry because they’re ready to, not because she’s done something different or ‘is the one’ there are a few very minute exceptions though. its usually the available girl when he’s mentally ready that gets wifed hence the rate of divorce.

  7. Morris
    Toolsman sha, first the topic made me want to save this article for last. Then, i was about to click on the last article before this, and i saw your name… Resist Not

    It is the same for a lady too, it’s been said that a lady knows within 5 seconds if she is going to bed or not – Lust. Lol we being ‘special’ beings, we are really not that…
    As for what guys can do to make ladies understand this ‘theory’ better, how about you let her know once you know, and also let her know if it is taking you too long to know. We might need to agree on the definition of ‘too long’ tho. Anyways, like in one of your past article, ‘Communication’ is very important.

    1. Sapphire
      Thank you so much @morris for this statement “how about you let her know once you know, and also let her know if it is taking you too long to know”. God bless you.

      One dude almost destroyed my psyche as I spent the major part of my day trying to decide whether he likes me or nay. I had to force it out of his mouth as I couldn’t take the torture anymore. It was then he told me “I haven’t gone all out for us because I want to be sure”. Asking what we were doing at least gave me an idea of what was going through his mind. I couldn’t be in a relationship and not be in one at the same time. And I couldn’t waste so much time on what wasn’t definite, to get told many months down the line he is finding it hard to be sure.

  8. Andronicus
    Its true. When a man is ready to wife a woman he will regardless of her slutty past or physical lapses. Afterall Vicky A.K.A ‘German Machine’ with the legendary big butt from my class in Uni got married when we were in Law school. We kept wondering who the guy was and if he knew why we gave her the nickname in Uni. She got married way before the ‘good girls’ in class. And she’s not the only one.

    For me, I’m attracted to many things in a woman. Beauty, Lips, soft skin, slimness, chubbiness, boobs, butt, fingers, legs. In the end I guess I’ll marry someone I feel has a little of everything I find attractive or as close to.

    Someone who will instantly make me sing Train’s ‘Marry Me’ each time I think of her.

  9. Nosa
    Errrrm, it’s just sex (don’t cuss me out yet) which is just one of the many parts that makes up a marriage/relationship. People who ask these question (topic of the post) are the one who probably think that giving the cookie is all that is needed to have a good relationship.

    nah, it’s never just about the sex.

    And like @thetoolsman said with his equation, when it comes to lust, the physical attributes are constant (barring any unforeseen circumstances like plastic surgery) and will remain constant. .

  10. Sparks & Tingles
    For men, sex is a physical activity like climbing the stairs – it requires no thinking or emotion. All the girls in brothels would be married to their customers if the who-to-marry decision is based on how good the sex is. @thetoolsman ‘s equation perfectly sums it up.
  11. Dickson
    I liked this article. I want to believe that at some point in a relationship; every guy knows where he is headed with the lady.
    Whether you are for keeps or for game. He knows and i think we men give out these signals in glaring ways nd I think the women see it and pretend it isn’t what it seems or they are too carried away by “love” to notice…
    Sincerely; when I listen to som heartbreak stories, after asking a few questions, I can see the point when the guy decided this one isn’t for keeps.
    It’s not straightforward to explain why a guy dates a day for years, break up with her and propose to another after a few months. That would be as easy as explaining why some doctors smoke despite being so informed.
  12. kiki
    Well I’ll say that from my exp..I think Men just like we women most of the time know what ‘we want’. It’s not that difficult if u ask me. First of all, is he ready for marriage? Most guys know when they are ready. If she’s a total package pls dont waste her time. If d answer is no..or u still thinking it thru then trust me she isn’t d one. (Like one guy i dated back then he gave me an ultimatum that i should hv he’s baby before he considers marrying me. My dear that guy was d biggest joker I’d ever seen..Needless to say..I left he’s sorry ass.) Rather than think it thru biko take a walk. *waka far..bad market* Also stalling or taking too long in my opinion is just another way of knowing she’s not d one. That’s why it’s so common these days for a man to date a lady for 5years & at d end leave just like that (Altho some date for long & marry eventually, tho to me it’s no fun..are u studying me for a PhD?) Cos he was too scared to tell u & u probably didn’t mind all along. I believe couples should always define their relationship. I dated my hubby for 3months & no sex..next thing he proposed to me on Xmas day at a dinner party in front of my friends & cousin..I was stunned to say d least. When is it too long? Define ‘Too Long’ Is it from 3yrs & above. Also once u as a man feel this isn’t going anyway..pls It’s a free world. Set her free biko let some fine Bro take her to d alter. Don’t waste her useful life on a relationship that u know isn’t heading anywhere. Also ladies ask a questions. After 2years of dating pls sit down & talk things thru..don’t give out d cookie too as that makes d man reason better & can better evaluate if u d one or not. Also for your own peace of mind too😊
  13. Uche
    All these mechanical description. 😒. That’s why some men will marry and cheat. Pfft. Marry the next available girl out of routine, keep her “at home”and continue living single. Pfft.
  14. JanJan
    I’m obviously late to this party but the comments here are lit. I think the woman asking the question above should ask herself if she really is ready for marriage first of all. Is she going to say yes simply because one guy found her worthy enough to marry? I’m a runner where marriage is concerned. If you ask me, I’m ready to look cute in a white dress and party at a wedding, as long as I can go back to my father’s house after. My bestie says that we always know theses things right from inception. I’ll give a personal example.

    About two years ago I met a guy at a pool party on boxing day. Very chill party where I only knew two people. In walks this guy, not the cutest but had some crazy sex appeal. We talked during the party and when I was leaving, he took my number. The next day he texted and invited me to his place for scrabble and drinks. I didn’t decline, but offered that I’d prefer he asked me via phone call. Dude jumped into an argument about how he thinks whatsapp still communicates to me so he doesn’t see the difference a phone call would make. Observation here is that this person not only likes to argue but doesn’t see the point of compromise. You asked me out, I did not decline, I did not say pick me in a lambo or go full Christian Grey. All I said was call me. We went at this for a whole year. I never went out with him because he refused to call. He would text occasionally but whenever the topic came up, we would just argue again. One time I offered to buy him credit if that was his problem. The idiot said he’d take the credit and not call. One afternoon, he decides to call and ask me out and I accepted. He was so shy on our first date and we had such an amazing time. When he made to kiss me at the end of the evening, he begged me not to slap him. He told me he respected how I held my own all year and didn’t give in to his whims. All the while, I have in mind that this person is a fuckboy so I’m not investing emotions. We went on a few more dates and then one night, we had sex. The sex was amaze balls and so it continued for a while. Then came the rules, he wanted things on his terms and made it clear he didn’t want anything beyond platonic. I’m thinking nobody is asking you to pay dowry, just shut up and fuck me with your incredible gift of a dick. The manners were still an issue though. Dude will text on Friday afternoon and ask if I’ll be in town because he’ll be out with friends. My answer is ‘no..why?’. Response “just in case our paths will cross”. I’m like nigga we don’g go to the same places. We have different ideas of fun. On some of those days when he has asked and knows I’m in town, he’d text after he’s gone out with his friends and ask if I wanna go home with him. Response “no thanks”.

    This is not the end of the story but I realized I’m rambling. Point is, who wants to marry this type of person? When the men come with family to present dowry, the woman is still asked if it should be accepted, so who is marrying who? even European style, the guy goes down on one knee. I think girls need to learn that not every guy must be the one. that’ll save a lot of heartache.

    1. Sonia
      I like you Janjan. I’m not confident in my own ability to maintain any emotional distance with people i sleep with and for this reason i’ve been celibate for years. Sex complicates things and i can’t risk putting up with trash from some lowlife because of misguided feelings. Been there, done that. At 27, I like how my standards have remained high enough to keep setting my own terms where these things are concerned. Thunder fire anybody that thinks they can use me to do tumbo tumbo…
      1. JanJan
        There will be standards with the right person. But we always know who’s a possibility and who isn’t. Have fun while you can. don’t let standards keep you from living. The saddest thing will be to get married and be singing shoulda woulda couldas. I’m 28 and I want anything to do with marriage anytime soon.
  15. Fae
    lol honestly definitely got me speechless on this one i must admit. don’t even know whether to say nice rules or nice lifestyle …..definitely saying great comment tho.

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