No feminist talk here biko. I bind and cast! I sprinkle vampire water. Maybe lines will be crossed and feminism will come into play but I swear this is just relationship talk. In an African setting. Not “situationships”. Not maga and magee scenarios. Real relationships (whatever that means – the type the guy eventually goes on his knees and proposes sha). I know the faces of the regular customers on TNC always attacking feminism and social equality! I rebuke you in the name of… Okay, let me start this way.
I was brought up in a home where my mother showed me how not to need a man… Don’t ask me how… She didn’t choose that life. It was just placed on her. I’ll be nowhere near where I am today if not for her (and dad too of course. He’s, after all, dad). I grew up thinking men had nothing much to offer. “Get that cash, girl!” became my motto. I entered into relationships thinking the same.
I also have a deep fear of rejection, so I do not like asking for help. Not from anyone. I’m proud and stubborn. I would rather struggle and carry my generator or fridge from the ground floor to the third floor than ask the guy who gyms every morning and stays in the apartment downstairs. If you want to help, you can ask and I might still say “No, thanks!” because I do not believe in stressing people! My classmate and tight buddy during my Masters once got angry because I almost deferred a year for financial reasons and I didn’t breathe a word to anyone. He heard from one big-mouthed girl who said she was trying to save my life. Somebody can’t even defer in peace again.
I am also an extremely prudent spender. I stand the risk of being labelled stingy. If it is not totally necessary then the answer is no. Ask me to do fun stuff and I start bringing up school fees and house rent and water bill and light bill and things I need to buy – real stuff. It’s not like I don’t splurge… Well maybe not often… I’m just the type who doesn’t care about random stuff like hair and shoes and bags and manicure and partying… I will not come and see you if you live too far away because that is expense. I sound very boring innit? I care actually, and I want to be free and irresponsible and broke. I just feel like right now I can’t afford that. I should save and save and save so when the rain comes I have an umbrella and where I’m from, it rains a lot.
I once had a conversation with this friend. I asked him to help me get a job with higher pay, because my bills were increasing, my shoulders were crumbling and I was depressed. His response was “Why?”. Since I had a boyfriend, he felt that Le Boo should assist me. Then he sent Sopono and thunder to me when he realised my boyfriend didn’t spend up to 10,000 naira on me in a month inclusive of movies and maybe dinner if we don’t go to The Place more than once a week. I didn;t think there was anything extreme about this, but he said it was terribly extreme. This conversation was just the weirdest. He was mad at me and was wishing for a girlfriend like me. In his words, next time I’m single I should holla so he can date me. Of course, I didn’t. He is a stupid goat, it is not his type we are looking for here.
I tried to bring up different scenarios where the guy has other responsibilities and I should not add my own since I can take care of my problems, and he should take care of his. The guy said it didn’t matter. His theory was that I was my boyfriend’s responsibility.
“But we’re not even married!”
He said it didn’t matter. He claimed I should have been part of the reason he worked hard if I was really in his future plans. In his opinion, my boyfriend should have been thinking about my comfort and happiness or he shouldn’t have entered into the relationship at all. I asked him if a boyfriend is supposed to think like that.
“I should help him manage his finances.”
He asked me if a girlfriend should think like that. Then, down the line, he asked me if I got a medal from him after we broke up. I didn’t get no medal from my ex for helping him to manage his money; looking for the cheapest deals and places to go and managing, however crappy it was. I was just fine. I was hoping I was scoring brownie points though, somewhere in his head, for being a prudent, financially strong woman and hoped he would pick me for wifey position over the other option. Our circumstances were different, though: genotype. I must also admit that I’ve been a maga before. I wore the same shoe (I only had one) for two years because I was using my pocket money to feed some bae. I can say it now because it has passed. And the circumstances were complicated.
So this my know-it-all friend also claimed that if a man ever cheated on me, it would be my fault, because I did not make myself a priority and he probably never saw me in his future. Apparently, I should not wait for him to notice the need. I should ask! A man should do something major for me every month. He should assist me with rent, help me furnish my apartment, even if it is to buy the AC. He should do more than lunch and dinner and movies. A man should bring more to the table than his fine face. We can’t connect emotionally without connecting financially.
I really struggle to understand this because I have always felt that I’m my own responsibility. I get my house, my car, and my degrees. I pay my rent, buy my Peruvian and Mongolian and what not, on my terms. Not him, not any man, not anyone. I don’t wait around for freebies. But, going by the reprimand I got from this guy, it seems that I am missing something. What are the dynamics in a relationship? If it was a girl saying all this, well I’ll just assume we have different point of views. But he’s not the first or second guy telling me I was being too independent.
Maybe I really am not truly independent for letting what they say even get to me. Maybe I need a man to be a part of my success story so when I’m giving a speech on some podium one day, he won’t be left out. All I need from a man is his love and affection and faithfulness (and cute face) he should have a good job and a good head on his shoulders. I will make enough money to send my kids to school and buy the fancy house I always dreamed of buying. I hate it when they say a man’s money is making me shine! People can be so annoying when they make that statement. But I don’t want to breed stinginess or irresponsibility. Maybe I should learn how to take from a man?
Someone I was dating once called me proud because I made the “I’m all me and I don’t need you” speech. This is how it starts. I get an oil well and I become the richest woman in Africa and I treat my husband like the maid. I mean why isn’t he working hard enough? Why didn’t he also get an oil well? Why is he slacking? I don’t want to be like that. How do I not be like that?! Or is it too late for me?
I know I have raised a lot of issues here. But really how does it work? Guys, if you earn the same pay as your woman or even more, would you be mad if she asks you for stuff? Or is it normal and even expected? And when does it become too much? Ladies, when do you think it is his duty to do something for you? I’m not talking of excesses like a car or a house but if that’s your level of income, oh well… Anyway, it all boils down to this question. At what point do you draw the line between being materialistic and being “too” independent?
Do you want to be “materialistic”? Or do you want to be “independent”?
I know this might sound cliche, but do YOU!
Do what you want.
It should not matter what other people do in their own relationships.
There are various reasons why people are in a relationship. All possibly valid.
I struggled with being in a relationship for the most part of my early life because I didn’t understand why I needed one, or why my friends were all in one.
I was “fine”.
A few years ago, realized I wanted someone to be intimate with, to share my fears and all with, to grow with, and that is what I started looking for.
I know why I want to be in a relationship now.
It would not matter to me what emeka and joy do in THEIR OWN relationship.
I know what I want.
What do you want?
I’ll never really compare relationships same way I can’t compare people..im too unique to be comparing my circumstances with the next person’s. So last last I’ll “do me”. And I enjoy and take pride in my independent. Not about to change..
Here’s your drink 🍷thanks for reading and commenting!
I’ll never really compare relationships same way I can’t compare people..im too unique to be comparing my circumstances with the next person’s. So last last I’ll “do me”. And I enjoy and take pride in my independent. Not about to change..
Here’s your drink 🍷thanks for reading and commenting!
I don’t ask for anything from a man but if you gift me, would I collect? Hell Yes! I find it discourteous to reject a harmless gift from a loved one. So yeah, I am your typical proud, stubborn and “independent” girl. Emphasis on ‘independent’ because I am still quite dependent on my parents. A student. A year to clocking 20. I cant recall asking for money as in seriously asking for money from any boo boo. In fact, what I recall is, gifting boos with no expectations, lending them money they take forever to repay.
Am I proud of this?
Well, to some extent.
I mean, was it not 6 months ago that ex borrowed money from me promising to pay back in a week…and asking for his gifts back when I demanded my money last two months? As in, dude felt entitled to the money I lent him because the gifts he gave me when we were together were more expensive than what I gave him? Who quantifies gifts? Ex. I was so bleah!!! so since a year ago after we split, dude has been making some mental calculations about how much he spent on me? ***shakes head**** He even wanted us to sum the prices of our gifts and know who owes who….Me said no!! take the money, don’t reduce me to your level!
I pray none of you ladies encounter these kind of man-children.
For me, the only cool thing about minding your business and not asking-asking and collecting-collecting from a man, especially from a Nigerian man is, there’s no financial blackmail and no feelings of entitlement from him. Because, who doesn’t know that for most men, you justifiably owe them so much more than they give you.
When do I ask for stuffs? When I definitely feel entitled. Which is not often, so when I am like “I need money…”, then yeah, you should owe me some, and I should feel right about it.
I ask for stuffs when it has something to do with “us” and I felt I’ve contributed to that effect and so should you…and no, because it’s not a favour you are granting me, and I know It’s “our responsibility”, I don’t “ask”. I demand.
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I dunno oO
1. Independence
2. Must be a reader.
Independence for me is a thing of the mind. You don’t have to be able to get everything you desire, in fact it’s okay for me to help out once in a while, but you can’t EXPECT it. It’s not a relationship right. Am I paying for a relationship?
Independence also means you should structure your lifestyle according to what you can afford. Not what your significant other can afford.
So to answer your question, you’re independent and not proud. It’s admirable and not a turn off. Your know-it-all friend has his own opinions. It doesn’t have to become your reality.
I won’t pretend that a lot of Nigerian men have issues with independent women, reasonable for that vary. But I’m also sure that there are a lot of guys out there who desire that independence so much that they actually seek for it, and appreciate it when they see it.
My golden rule!
But how do I know im being “appreciated”? How do I know he’s not breaking his back to spend the money on some other woman and seeing me as the cheap girlfriend..I know weird train of thought but I’m exploring here let me..
When is this helping out once in a while ever going to happen..
By the way I have those two important qualities soooo..
Helping out should happen when you ask, and when the person is able.
“But how do I know im being “appreciated”? How do I know he’s not breaking his back to spend the money on some other woman and seeing me as the cheap girlfriend..I know weird train of thought but I’m exploring here let me..”
He could spend on you and still spend on someone else.
Oh, and that last comment, *wink*
Such a great match.
Love your response, Buchi, but sometimes I feel like my life is a lot like Hephie’s right from the ‘not needing men’ point. We could be each other’s doppelgänger for all I know (in life stuff sha).
So I get that you believe women should be independent of mind and all that stuff, but what if we’re not getting/keeping the guys because they think bae isn’t making them feel ‘manly’?
I just wonder.
P.S Tried that stuff again and it didn’t work (could have something to do with my browser if it doesnt affect you.) What’s the alternative?
As for getting/keeping the bae, I guess instead of just saying wait, the right man will come, we should extend our campaign of independence to teach guys that it’s okay to be loved and not be needed to provide. Perhaps that could help dispel this increasingly annoying talk of men having no other major identity except as providers.
Looking for an alternative to the browser issue now.
Exactly. And if he can’t afford to help you all the way, he’ll just say so. If he doesn’t its because of his pride of being able to provide taking a hit….or he doesn’t trust you enough to understand and still “love” him regardless.
It all boils down to how its done e.g If a lady is successful and runs a business that can provide all the needs of the household….she can either rub her success in the guys face saying she doesn’t really need him or just be soft-spoken and ish. Basically it’s “I earn this much and i don’t need a man to help me out of a jam…yahoo” or just “i earn so and so amount at work…..(it being more or less isn’t an issue at this point because thats not what the relationship is about)”.
1) The woman could have just said “errrr…..i got it myself actually”
2) If your man has been around for a while ….say 2-3 years, chances are y’all understand each other and it wont bother him.
3) if your man is happy that he has an industrious woman he’d probably be the one to say “omo, no be me buy am oh. Na her hustle click sote she buy car to oppress them haters”
4) you explaining where you got the money from….feels like bragging not just correcting a misconception…it all depends on your choice of words. I know a chick who has a 6 figure salary and her bf just finished uni and is waiting for nysc. And they do just fine. She also doesn’t like depending on people which is why she took the job. But she doesn’t tell anyone that thats where her money is from unless she’s asked by someone who “matters”.
I think it is good that you’ve learnt to be self-sufficient, but I have to agree with those dudes, that there is such as thing as being too independent. In a relationship, both people need to be needed, and usually, for men, the way they fulfil this need to being needed is to be a provider.
If you do everything for yourself, he will feel pushed out. You have to let him take care of you, not because you can’t, but because he wants to, he can and he should 🙂 Really, I don’t think you would want a man who COULDN’T take care of you, or who didn’t want to take care or you.
It’s not about being materialistic. He doesn’t have to try to keep up with the Jones, or buy your expensive things… But even your regulars, let him pitch in. Let him handle some things… And like your friend said, they will plan you in their lives.
If he has and isn’t spending money on you, you can bet that he is spending it on someone else…unless he is just a miserly loser. A life is meant to be shared, and money is part of life. And once in a while, you can treat him too, if you so desire…just let him feel good knowing that he can take care of you, and you appreciate the things he does!
Cheers, Ufuoma.
“You have to let him take care of you, not because you can’t, but because he wants to, he can and he should 🙂 Really, I don’t think you would want a man who COULDN’T take care of you, or who didn’t want to take care or you. ”
Let’s just say for example I’m with a man who can’t take care or me or doesn’t want to..and I can very much take care of myself..so I don’t mind.. is it okay if we both just move on nd focus on other things in the relationship and our finances don’t have to be each other’s businesses? How would that kind of marriage play out?
Yes. It is very very okay. very. Independence has no ‘buts’ or ‘ifs’
Independence is as independence is.
Your finances shouldn’t be independent or separate in marriage. As you are bound in heart and mind, you should be bound in every way, interdependent on each other. That’s the beauty of marriage.
We shouldn’t be wholly reliant on our selves, nor should we be wholly reliant on others. If we’re overly independent, we can easily become selfish, self-centred and proud. God made us to be co-dependent, without being needy.
Cheers, Ufuoma.
Wait….it’s one thing for him to want to but not be able to take care of you….but to NOT WANT TO….? Nah. Any guy who likes a chick will want to do stuff for her. Unless by “take care” you mean “spending of money” or “giving financial aid”.
The marriage would be the exact same thing. I have a living example with my big sis. she was and is so independent that she never demanded anything from her husband (then boyfriend). when they got married she the expected him to change overnight, and because she never asked she didn’t realize he was stingy. So now she has to take care of most stuff herself cos he wont do it as he believes she has enough money to sort them out.
i know that a relationship shouldn’t be all about collecting from a guy, but the danger in that is that when you start that way with most guys they just sit back and don’t even bother themselves. I believe in independence of having your own and buying your self stuff you need, but if you don’t teach a man to tend to your needs and he doesn’t have t he good sense to do that without asking, then i dont think he will change overnight
Cheers, Ufuoma.
I just started dating a really cute guy, and the
first time we went out i paid cos i was really hungry and he ‘claimed’ he didn’t have any money on him. i didn’t mind cos i was hungry and it wasn’t such a big deal. while we were eating, he said he owed me one and that he would pay back. The day he decided to take me out, (we went with his friend cos he doesn’t have a car) we went to a local joint, i didn’t mind cos i liked their food and i had told him about the place like a week before.
Since i met him, ive not been to where he loves cos according to him he stays with a friend because he isn’t really based in lagos but in abuja, and he just came for work. over time he would come to my house and just sit, and when i would tell him to take me out he would claim he had no money unless i had enough for us. yet some how he hangs out with his friends and always has enough to buy drinks. i dont have a problem giving to a guy, but i thing you need to prove that your worth spending that money on or that you are at lease will to reciprocate somehow. (my first boyfriend taught be a huge lesson with this one, i was just a kezziah – sharer, i gave him everything he asked for and got absolutely nothing in return.)
This relationship is barely a month and i’m really irritated and not so into it. Reason is this. i like ambitious men and he doesn’t seem ambitious. he would rather come over to my house, and have meaningless gist and try to ‘get some’ and then go.
So then what do i do? should i overlook all this and hope that one day he would start spending on me too? or just walk away now?
There’s a lot to be said, but there’s still a lot of question marks. You don’t need someone in your life with that much ‘comma’. This one is just bidding his time from what I can see. He is NOT invested in you. Follow your gut and look for someone who’s ready to treat you like the desirable and honourable lady you are 🙂
I think it is not “ok”if he doesn’t want to help out.
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I do not think you are proud, you have been shaped by your experiences and it is only reasonable to have your own thing going on. You should however let your man be the man, it should be fulfilling enough to know that whatever he is doing for you, you could have done for yourself. Do not demand for it if it isn’t absolutely necessary but allow yourself to be pampered if he offers.
The goal is to be happy, not to engage in a pissing match or drain his resources.
The goal is to be happy, not to engage in a pissing match or drain his resources.”
Excellent!
The goal is to be happy, not to engage in a pissing match or drain his resources.”
“I also have a deep fear of rejection, so I do not like asking for help. ” …that’s unfortunate but rejection never killed anybody. U will not die if u ask for help and u don’t get it. The worst u can hear is NO (n maybe silly excuses but don’t let those get u down). But dying is silence is pointless too.
“I should help him manage his finances.”…eh but don’t overdo it. It’s definitely a good quality, especially in a future wife, but contrary to what u might believe, men love to spend deir money on their women. I dunno why but I’ve seen it and even my mother told me so lol. So indulge him if he wants to spoil u rotten but don’t let him go broke on ur head o. As long as he can afford it, it’s okay. It doesn’t make u less of an independent woman.
“Apparently, I should not wait for him to notice the need. I should ask!”..yes ooo…because men can be really clueless creatures at times.
” I want to be free and irresponsible and broke.” …this is really highly overrated, trust me. Personally m always broke, n I tend to be a spendthrift sometimes, but dts just cos I believe in enjoying the money when it’s dere, cos it hardly ever is in enough qty. i spend on food tho (n chicken) n I have a really sweet mouth.
“Someone I was dating once called me proud because I made the “I’m all me and I don’t need you” speech. This is how it starts. I get an oil well and I become the richest woman in Africa and I treat my husband like the maid. I mean why isn’t he working hard enough? Why didn’t he also get an oil well? Why is he slacking? I don’t want to be like that. How do I not be like that?! Or is it too late for me?”….well I hate to break it to u but no matter how independent u are u cant be all u n not need anyone else. Human beings weren’t made to work alone. That’s why we don’t all live on our own individual islands, away from everybody else. It’s not too late for u..u just gotta learn to allow ur self need ppl but not to d extent dt u (completely) depend on them. (Or at least allow them take a little responsibility for u) because ppl actually need u to need them. Yes, most men will resent u(eventually) for being richer, especially in difficult financial situations, but hopefully u will meet a guy who’s just as hardworking as u are but doesn’t have an oil well n still learn to love and respect him for who he is just as he will you for who you are.
Finally, forget materialistic, ur already a frugal person n old habits die hard, just start with the basics ; letting them do stuff for you. U don’t even need to jump right into the asking..just try to accept wts offered a bit more. Remember, u have no obligations towards anyone who “offered”to help and if it makes u feel better, make this clear to them before u accept (if possible put in writing in front of a witness with both ur signatures lol). Eventually u will get more comfortable with it, maybe enuf to start asking.
Cheers!
I am of the opinion that if he cant afford to, that’s understandable but if he can and ‘doesn’t want to’….that’s a dealbreaker!
we protect and care for what/who we love….irrespective of how independent I am, my man should want to do little things for me without me having to ask.
i’m with someone that always says, i wanted to get you this or i wanted to get you that but i forgot. i’ll bring it when next i come. Next time the issue doesn’t even come up and i don’t ask
Regarding someone not taking hints…go for boldness and ask, especially if you need it. If he still doesn’t try to assist or provide, you can decide if his reasons are genuine or if he’s a stingy dude and take lesson.
They say, “be careful who you date, because you could end up married to them.” Unless you want to marry a miser, pauper or a needy man, shine your eye and quit a relationship with such early on. Marriage is hard enough, and MONEY MATTERS in marriage.
Check out this post I did on it: http://blog.ufuomaee.org/2016/09/27/marriage-abcs-m-money-matters/
Sincerely, Ufuoma.
You’ve also addressed very important issues– issues I’ve been thinking about because our case is so similar, although we do the things we do for different reasons.
What I’ve learned (strangely from a book) is basically all what @Ufuomaee already said. People need to feel ‘needed’ and important, and building good relationships means we need to allow them that. It’s more like a service to someone we care about.
I’ve still have my reservations asking for ‘serious’ (because i can ask for certain minor stuff) help from people, however I don’t have any qualms accepting what’s been freely given. In fact I’ve even stopped feeling like I need to repay their kindness or whatever their motive was. I just say “thank you” and move on 😂
So perhaps you could let yourself have that. It’s been difficult for me, but I’m making good progress and it’s made my relationships (the general kind) better.
xoxo
To a man who cares for and about you, ‘independence’ isn’t a problem because he’s assured he has a gem and knows it’s not an excuse to become a sloth. At the same time, everyone likes to feel appreciated & needed but he understands that you’re independent and would rather “lift your gen from the ground floor to the 3rd without asking for help” so he knows not to ‘ask’ if you need help but just helps. Doesn’t have to be anything major: he does one of the tasks on the todo list you casually mentioned to him, not because he thinks you can’t but because he can and chooses to or packs lunch for you before you head to work or whatever because independent or not, We can’t but help feeling gleeful when someone helps/appreciates us.
My quarter of a cent 🙂
Dear Woman,
Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.”
If they spend on themselves but not on you, they don’t care about you as much as you think. Why? Because love and nurture go hand in hand.
If they do not spend on you or themselves, they’re generally tight fisted. Don’t waste your time with such people. If you do, you’ll likely end up having quarrels about how you spend your own money.
There’s a reason the saying “a friend in need is a friend indeed” has been around so long. Any partner, not even friend, who can’t make things easier for you isn’t worth it. Don’t confuse independence with unnecessary labor.