I Once Loved My Country

Opinion

I think that sometimes we have so little control over our choice that we are simply swept away by circumstance. And that little nick of doubt or fear is simply an illusion to entertain the possibility of an alternative. We would never pick the fuzzy half formed alternative. I wouldn’t. For instance, I would never…

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I think that sometimes we have so little control over our choice that we are simply swept away by circumstance. And that little nick of doubt or fear is simply an illusion to entertain the possibility of an alternative. We would never pick the fuzzy half formed alternative. I wouldn’t.

For instance, I would never actively choose to be so abused by a country that continuously evolves in its constant harassment of my rights and living standards. That I will for years allow the proverbial few, (one percent for my capitalist trolls) to hold in its hands, the possibilities and opportunities availed for me to achieve and continue living my dreams. To sleep and wake in sweltering heat, to live portions of my life waiting in cars lined up in constant traffic to die bit by bit inside till the only reality I know is one tailored to expertly adapting to discomfort .

Fuck, that.

So I endure, as it has been and continues to. I “pray” and “work hard” and “network” and generally develop tools against a mainframe built to eliminate almost all possibilities of myself. That I, in myself, almost never fall in the general descriptive properties of those I am surrounded with makes it harder. I ponder which effects sporadic bursts of laughter in me.

I’m kidding. I don’t laugh in person anymore. I lost that ability. My only silly pleasures come from stupid vines. I’m such a loser.

I loved my country when I had no understanding. I mostly still lack substantial understanding because facts have ways of over-/under-exaggerating themselves. Let me rephrase.

I felt patriotic. That is long gone now. I understand that it will never be enough to want, it will never be enough to talk, it will never be enough to protest. Important themes in the journey of idealization but ultimately subject to the possibility of becoming the next fad in socio-political consciousness because I have always wondered how people so burdened with their fabulous lives and heavy responsibilities can understand the urgent and constant need for life to be better for those camping on the lower rungs of the ladder. Do they even listen as we speak? If they do, can they feel the frustration reminding you that all you need to be is a smiling, accepting fool. It’s a hot tide I tell you.

Sit spiritual, sit unfulfilled, sit and take it all in you miserable misinformed in-the-dark plebeian. Sit still, sit quiet and take the abuse because you are a direct descendant of the bullshit. Sit and be carried away by the corruption and satisfaction with ineptitude, sit and write silly escapist stories, sit and complain ineffectively because it is all you have the right to do. Sit dammit, sit.

I am out of juice, but tonight I will chill through traffic and browse on slow internet, go home to a generator that gets turned off at midnight, take off my clothes, toss and turn, suppress the urge to murder a harmless gecko, tweet recklessly and sleep, because I have adapted. I have been swept by the wave. And tomorrow will go the same way.

Responses

  1. eby akhigbe
    this is lovely…… i love your choice of words. you wrote out my heart ONLY that i am very much still patriotic,I STILL BELIEVE IN THE NIGERIAN DREAM i’d love to meet you because you express my thoughts in words that i cant, YOU FILL THE CHASM BETWEEN MY THOUGHTS AND MY EXPRESSIONS. THANK YOU for THAT AND MORE.
  2. Riydah
    “I felt patriotic. That is long gone now. I understand that it will never be enough to want, it will never be enough to talk, it will never be enough to protest.” These lines just totally said my mind. Just a few years ago I was quick to call myself a patriotic Nigerian.. Always told my friends that they were going to contribute their brilliant minds to a country that is already developed whenever they talked about how they cannot wait to leave the shores of Nigeria to go and raise their families in other developed countries..and that why don’t we all stay back and make this place where we want it to be, it starts from each of us.. But these days I have lost the passion and currently there’s honestly no motivation!
  3. Katniss
    “I loved my country when I had no understanding ”
    This was sadly spot-on. Are we living just to die? I sometimes wonder if this is the country I’m going to raise kids in. And then my sis reminds me that we turned out ‘ok’. But did we?
  4. Chinedov
    “I’m kidding. I don’t laugh in person anymore. I lost that ability. My only silly pleasures come from stupid vines. I’m such a loser.”

    I could’ve blurted this line and it wouldn’t sound out of place.

    There. Welcome to the life of the Nigerian youth. We live for the vines!!!

  5. Chinedov
    Sad to see we’re now used to the standard of living being shoved down our throat on a daily basis by an inept clique of renegades – who have turned our fatherland into a bankrupt and lawless fiefdom.

    We ask nothing of this government; not security, not electricity, not employment – as we provide these ourselves anyway.

    Nothing – asides them just leaving us the [email protected]#k alone and not take decisions that affects our already complicated lives adversely!

    We toil everyday; to earn money, to eat, to live and even to sleep!

    Fela’s “Suffering and Smiling” does more than enough justice to the average Nigerian’s everyday struggles.

    God bless Nigeria.

  6. Rollykay
    It’s true. It’s all true. Written in a way that will still get you cackling once or more, reminds you of what is and leaves you depressed. This is great! True stuff!
  7. sHotzs
    I am out of juice, but tonight I will chill through traffic and browse on slow internet, go home to a generator that gets turned off at midnight, take off my clothes, toss and turn, suppress the urge to murder a harmless gecko, tweet recklessly and sleep, because I have adapted. I have been swept by the wave. And tomorrow will go the same way.———–WINNING
  8. Esco
    Best article, I have seen here. Like the way you use words, and construct a mental imagery, but in the same vein never lose the emotional impact.

    I am a fan

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