If I Could Vent…

If everyday objects were human, I would so vent! I would vent at the sun for being so hot that it feels like it’s going for bragging rights in a solar system competition. Mr Sun, no matter how hot you are, your heat can’t cook beans! I would vent at my Coke for being too fizzy and spilling…

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If everyday objects were human, I would so vent!

I would vent at the sun for being so hot that it feels like it’s going for bragging rights in a solar system competition.

Mr Sun, no matter how hot you are, your heat can’t cook beans!

I would vent at my Coke for being too fizzy and spilling all over my shirt while I tried to open it.

Yo! I thought I bought Coke, not a volcano.

I would vent at all the furniture in my house for constantly targeting my last toe while I’m walking on my own jeje. God! I’ll be so mad I may even slap it in anger.

If they sent you people, tell them you didn’t see me, biko.

I would vent tirelessly at my laptop for suddenly deciding to crash for no reason after working just fine the night before.

My project deadline is tomorrow, for fuck’s sake!!

I would vent and curse the day my car was made for suddenly stopping in the middle of the road while I was going to pick up my crush on a date.

Oh God! You really chose today of all days to be a bastard???

I would curse at my pen over and over again for mysteriously vanishing without a trace at the bank, even though I specifically kept it in my bag.

I thought I told you to stay there, you twat!

I would let my phone screen know just how disappointed I was in it for being so weak.

So someone cannot mistakenly sit on you in peace without you cracking?!

I would vent at my pillow for always getting hot in minutes regardless of which side I turn it to.

Dunno why you’re a pillow if you can’t handle simple temperature.

**Edit from TNC team in defence of pillow: You sef, why your blood dey hot?**

I would vent at the cutlery that just keeps dropping awkwardly from my tray, especially in public.

No, I’m not clumsy. You just need to stay in one place dammit!

I would vent at the soap bar that keeps slipping off my hands in the shower.

Don’t be such a slimy prick!

I would vent at the wet portion of the floor that tripped me without any prior warning, and the plastic chair with a broken leg that suddenly gave way and had me crashing to the ground as soon as I sat on it.

God punish you o! It is your father you’re pushing to the floor, not me.

I would curse my foolish generator that can’t do its work without making an annoyingly loud noise.

So I have to die in darkness just so I can have peace of mind?

I would vent at the fluorescent bulb that keeps flickering endlessly whenever I switch it on without eventually coming on.

If you’re broken, why not stay off instead of keeping me in suspense? Idiot!

I would vent at my foolish earphones that would suddenly decide to spoil in just one ear for no reason.

You think you’re doing me? You’re doing yourself!

Sadly, I can’t let out my anger on these objects without appearing insane, which is where you humans come in. Next time you wonder why I am transferring aggression unto you for no reason, it may just be these naughty objects at work again. Selah.

How about you guys? Tell us what gets you riled up in the comments section.

Responses

  1. Blessed
    I would vent at my clothes for going outta Vogue, why can’t you be forever dope?
    I would vent at my Bible, must I have to look for you every Sunday, learn strategic positioning Biko.

    Posted from TNC Mobile

  2. Mayree
    I would vent on my finger foods and pop corn that finishes without a prior warning while I’m engrossed in an interesting movie.

    *kilode? Someone cannot play with you,is that how you use to do?*

  3. Oyinkan Agboola
    My stupid earpiece that is always tangling. It gets me like
    “Yes, i know you can dance tango, now stay the heck apart!”
    My earrings that are always doing hide and seek with each other, i will find now and comman be looking for the other one.
    my glasses that like to test me to see how prepared i am for rapture.
    “News flash, you won’t make it to heaven without me!”
    my bottle of fanta that never last long. Always in a hurry to get inside me, if only it knew its exit will be even faster.
    My favorite bra that gets tighter and tighter each day, don’t you know you are shortening your lifetime
    and so much more…

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