Dear Efe,

My name is Udeme and I was almost the ‘other’ woman. I am a 26years old PhD student who went to apply for a lecturing job at a university. I was walking briskly under my umbrella along the campus path when I met him. It was a rainy Monday morning in June. A car pulled up beside me and the passenger window slid down. He asked for directions around the campus and sadly I was new there as well, I couldn’t be of much help to him. We got talking and exchanged numbers before he drove off to catch up with his appointment with the VC.

The next couple of days were dotted with long minutes of calls and chats between us. He came across as a reserved guy who knew how to catch his fun, this really appealed to me. There was no pressure from him as we relished learning about each other at whatever pace I was most comfortable, I began to appreciate him more and more.

We had our first date and the guy showed how attentive he had been all the while we used to communicate on the phone. He took me to a beautiful garden for a picnic. It was just the kind of setting I was wishing for. I was becoming interested in him, surely someone cannot be listening so well to you and not even like you.

We talked, talked and talked about things no one would guess about each other. He looked into my eyes and unravelled the mystery behind my desperate self-control. I was stunned. Then, he told me he fell in love with me the moment he drove past me on the campus, he had to take the nearest turn and find a way to get my attention which was by asking for direction. I asked him to tell me something he was afraid to tell me about himself because, inasmuch as he as professing love for me and I was feeling it there was something I could sense from his eyes that he was dodging.

He paused and told me he was married with three (3) kids. I kept my poker face on and made sure the smile had not left my face. He’s been married for ten (10) years and loves his wife and kids to death. You see, I have always wondered what goes on in the minds of married men and women who choose to cheat on their partners. This was my chance and I was not going to let it go.

“What is in it for me?” I asked. “You are a family man; why should I have an affair with you?”

“Love, friendship, financial security” he replied

“And when your wife finds out?”

“My wife will never find out; heck I’ll make it such that you become her closest ally. She’ll love you like a sister and friend. My wife has absolute trust in me.”

“Like completely? You’ve never done this before?”

“Like totally. This is my third affair. I get home same time after work, I care and provide for my family, I’ve never given her cause to doubt me.”

“Udy, I will treat you like the princess you are. I’ll keep my distance when you are with your boyfriend.”

I looked into his eyes and smiled and he heaved a sigh of relieve and hugged me. He confessed he had been bothered that I might change my mind. I gave him a reassuring hug that it made no

difference. I was just ten (10) years late.

“Those nights you called in bed, where was she and the kids?” I asked

“Tucking the kids in bed and most times she sleeps off with the youngest till I go and carry her.” He replied

As his car drove away that evening, I bid him farewell in my heart and prayed for his wife and family.

Life is all about choices. I refuse to give myself a headache trying to dissuade him from cheating on his wife. I can only remove myself from a situation that goes against my personal belief. I refuse to be the other woman; with or without your wife’s knowledge. I stopped answering his calls and his messages. I really don’t care how he felt or whether he even noticed. I know for one “No” he gets, there are probably ten “Yes” lined up

My name is Udeme and I don’t date married men.

**********************************************************

Dear Efe,

I’m a 38-year-old man, married for 6 years, and we have two kids. I’ve been facing financial stress (I lost my job) fifteen months ago, and this has taken a toll on my marriage. My wife (very hard-working I must admit) has been paying almost all the family bills from the proceeds of her business.

Because of this, she despises me so much now, she disrespects me, and won’t let me touch her (we’ve not made love in almost one year). 

I recently found an easy way out – patronizing prostitutes.It helped quell the bitterness I was feeling within, but it brought along guilt. I never imagined that I would one day become an adulterous husband.

It’s like choosing between two evils. I don’t really think there is anything you can say to help me, but it feels somewhat liberating to share this.

Ene

****************************************

Today, we round off the Marital Infidelity series.

A big thank you to everybody who took a leap of faith and sent in their stories. Also, your passionate comments are deeply appreciated.

Reactions to this series cut across shock, anger, bewilderment and enlightenment.

We were able to have this conversation from all angles:

  • Being cheated on
  • Cheating as a married person
  • Cheating as a single person
  • And being propositioned to cheat with a man

It is still a raging debate if fidelity is a normal and realistic expectation for those in committed relationships. And thankfully, both sides of the debate have male and female voices debating their points.

Men are more likely to cheat because they have never learnt to be faithful. Men are less likely to date a married woman but those who do, do it because they claim it is the only scenario where a woman never ever gives any drama or set an expectation. A married man is could cheat with a wide ‘variety of women’. From another married woman to a single girl only interested in financial gains or just looking for an older more matured person to pay her attention. He is likely to pay for one-night stand sex with runs girls, have fuck buddies – other ladies who do not want a relationship (phone calls, visits, time together, etc) but just sex. A married man’s girlfriend is could also be an ex or even a girl he dumped for his wife. Nobody ever warns the married man about karma, he is simply called irresponsible and scolded for his behaviour. A cheating married man is likely to be a good provider at home. He is loved by his wife and kids, goes to church and an admirable member of the community. The list of where and how a married man can meet a girl is infinite.

Single girls who have dated married men do so for a number of reasons. However, it is important to make a distinction between a single girl dating a married man and a runs girl who will sleep with any guy as long as he is ready to pay for sex. A single girl in a relationship with a married man is more likely dating him because of companionship, he is a mentor, he provides better quality all round experience and most importantly because he does not come along with the baggage a single boyfriend tends to come along with. A single girl dating a married man is actually in a relationship with him and this could last months or years. She is the worst nightmare of the wife at home because she is a competitor the wife might know exists but knows absolutely nothing about. Such a girlfriend is more likely to become second wife, a baby mama or worst still the reason why the wife at home loses her home. The man tends to bond more with his girlfriend than with his wife because with him, he is never under pressure. She indulges and enables him, he is more likely to discuss his dreams and aspirations with her because she listens without rolling her eyes and wondering where the next school fees will come like a wife would. While the single girl is not dating a married man purely for financial gains, she does benefit financially, as a girlfriend, he lavishes gifts and more on her. If he can afford it, he takes her on trips within and outside the country. Such a girl is more likely to have a regular job and if she doesn’t have one, he will try and get one for her. He listens to her complain about her job and because he is older and more experienced, she finds his advice useful. Basically he holds her hand as she blossoms from a young lady to a woman. Reactions to the girl dating a married man is that of bewilderment and disgust (every player in the infidelity circus is looked at with disgust). You are very likely to hear ‘Karma@ come up several times during conversations about her, she doesn’t care about karma. The karma argument is a conflicted argument as it presupposes that the woman whose husband is cheating on her also slept with married men prior to getting married and we all know this is not true.

Why does a married woman cheat? A married woman is more likely to cheat with an ex and that ex is more likely to be married himself. Where her partner is not an ex, she is likely to cheat with another married man. The single guy is at the lowest bottom of the hierarchy. The reason is obvious, for a married woman, the stakes are too high to date a single guy (except he is an ex) who would have nothing to lose if she is ever found out.

The number one reason women cheat irrespective of being married or not is – lack of attention and appreciation from her husband/boyfriend.  If he is not an ex, she is more likely to meet her single boyfriend at work, gym or school. A place where interaction with guys is normal and considered safe as it does not raise any eyebrows when seen together. She is likely to be the one who calls it of after a while because of the risk of being found out. She is judged the harshest by our society. We are more ready to permit/forgive single guys/girls and men engaged in adulterous relationships. A woman being abused is also likely to cheat on her husband. Emphasis on likely and this is so because in her state of low self-esteem the attention/admiration from another guy is refreshing and very empowering. He soon becomes he secret escape, a place she goes to when her husband is being her worst nightmare.

A single guy is likely to date a married woman for the thrill of it. He loves the freedom that comes with dating a married woman as she has little or no expectations from him. Discretion is his strong asset.

In summary, marital infidelity is more multi-faceted than how it is currently presented in the public domain. The description of how a married man behaves at home is mostly skewed towards an irresponsible man who is a drunk, wife beating jerk who does not put food on the table or pay school fees. This is very far from the truth, he is the uncle in a young marriage you admire, he is your elder or younger brother whom you are pleased with because he makes a cute couple with his wife.

A single girl is portrayed as a hungry, selfish money grabbing whore who is jerking her married boyfriend to kick his wife out of the house so that she can come in. Far from the truth, although she might be jumping from bed to bed grabbing all the money she can get, the more overlooked type of girlfriend who is ‘take home to mama’ quality, she might even have a ‘regular boyfriend she intends to marry’. She enjoys her relationship with her married man because he is more matured than her boyfriend or guys her age.  The single guy in an adulterous relationship (and his partner) are the least spoken about but the general perception is, he is sleek and sexually skilled. His married partner is with him because she enjoys his attention and the sex is most likely great too. The married woman is usually still within the first 10 years of her marriage and she is not necessarily a nymphomaniac. She is not necessarily a retired runs girl who still drinks and smokes, she is straight Jane, confident on the outside but insecure on the inside because the love of her life no longer compliments her hair, listen her talk while she is adding weight and feeling ugly with her body.

Did you learn anything from this series? Do you disagree on the points raised? Do you have an opinion to share or have a counter argument to some of the points raised above? You have the floor, use the comments box.

Efe

 

 

Responses

  1. CandidHassey
    Some very interesting lessons I had learnt.
    Lesson 1: The reason for adultery is multifactorial and not necessarily because they want to be unfaithful.
    Lesson 2: The most “loving” couple could be loving other people outside the coupledom. So no more statements like “relationship goals in Bella naija”.
    Lesson 3: I should start getting mentally prepared for my future husband to cheat since it is likely to happen, so that if it happens, I won’t be too depressed.
    Nice lessons, Efe.
    Thanks for the disillusionment.
    2+
      1. CandidHassey
        Well, the statement “Men are more likely to cheat because they have never learnt to be faithful” clinched it for me. I think it’s high time I stopped having high hopes that I have that special thing that will make my potential husband not cheat. I will pray and hope he won’t, but its better not to have high expectations.
        2+
        1. Austin
          Men have never learnt to be faithful? I hope you know a lot of them faithfuls are still available? See, what’s the consequence of allowing this cheating? Have you heard of STDs? You know if he steps out that could be the beginning of the end of you guys?
          See, hold yourself to a higher standard regardless. It depends on your value system — let the God-chosen (if you believe in HIM) person know it is unnegotiable. DON’T expect it to happen, cos that’s the foundation for its likelihood in the first place.
          8+
  2. CandidHassey
    Honestly, I have always held myself to such high standards. But, recently, after talking to guys who say it’s not possible for men to be faithful and reading all these articles, I am losing my faith.
    But you make a very good point. I shouldn’t expect it to happen. Thanks a lot. 🙂
    1+
  3. Kad
    @candidhassey . typed this before and it’s gone.Its not okay,not anything goes oh set standards. What is taught is try to forgive all before even entering the marriage. Soon it will be all women cheat and then no use for marriage and then all people are bisexuals. The more we make these wack ideologies the more they become normal.
    1+
  4. Gabriel Shaze
    “My wife will never find out; heck I’ll make it such that you become her closest ally. She’ll love you like a sister and friend. My wife has absolute trust in me.”

    When I read that I was like damn! These guys are good!!

    A girl I’m close who confided in me that the husband of the MUA who she’s interning with wanted to have an affair with her and it’s literally driving her crazy. The lady in question treats her like a younger sister and according to her, he said the reason he really wants her is that his wife will never suspect due to how close their relationship is.

    She was telling me this on the phone and my mouth was ajar the whole time. It’s sad.

    0
  5. princevinco
    Often, some couples are responsible for the cheating or infidelity of their spouse such as constantly denying of each other sex. With constantly starvation of sex, some couples are forced to look for satisfaction outside their matrimonial home.
    However, there are men who are sexually insatiable, as they love anything on a skate. Such men, no matter the situation, they are never satisfied with their wives alone.
    0

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

+