Remember that write up called ‘Have you met her?’ I could not help but write my own version. Ladies, let me know: have you met him?
The ‘Couch Potato’
He is quick to tell you stories of men who rose from grass to grace with women who stood by them through thick and thin until they made it. ‘Do you know Fela Durotoye was staying in a one room BQ when he met Tara? See them today… Good woman, that one’. If and when you leave him because of a fight over anything besides his ‘laziness’ and get a better man, he is the first to scream ‘materialistic hoe’! Never mind that he has been making promises of a better life and how he is going to be rich in the future, but does nothing different yet expects his status to change because he somehow thinks procrastination will pay before his 50th birthday.
The Undercover FWB
He preaches love but somehow he never acts that part out. He hardly cares when you are down with the flu or when you are on your period because you are hardly useful to him this time. A business trip suddenly comes up or a distant relative (now close of course) is dead and he has to go for the burial. He may try to stop by just once out of the three days you were down, with some fruits and/or a pain reliever like Panadol (not even Panadol extra) because your house is en route to Bae No. 2’s place and she is obviously not on her period. Hot-water bottle? Don’t push it; you are not the first woman to menstruate.
The Ruff Ryder
He is the guy who pinches and bites your nipples and lips and when you recover from that shock to ask what just happened, he chews your vagina after eating suya. You scream because pepper and vagina don’t mix; he thinks you are enjoying it so he proceeds to slap a slob of saliva on your vagina then rams it in. The only way to go is harder and faster – soft strokes and cuddles are not macho enough for a man like him. Foreplay? Is that Greek or what? He never fails to ask, ‘Did you come?’. He needs to affirm his masculinity. You dare not say no or the next time you’ll be rammed even harder since, in his mind, speed = satisfaction. You always end up taking care of yourself anyway. *wink*
Mr Fragile Ego
He is the guy who thinks he is God’s gift to women. He sees no reason why he has to share his awesomeness with just one woman, so, he gives freely because the Lord loves a cheerful giver. This is why he cannot handle it when a lady who tolerated all his BS and made him think he was all that just wakes up one day and walks away. The shock… I mean, hey! Who will dare resist his awesomeness, right?! He proceeds to whine, begs and tries to win her back just so he can be the one to do the actual dumping. Of course she never goes back but he tells everyone who cares to listen that he was the one who dumped her because that useless tiny fact is necessary for his fragile ego.
He hangs around his rich friends and flies the ‘cool kids’ flag higher than anyone you know. He goes to all the cool spots and never forgets to post pictures on Instagram and Snapchat as evidence. You try to maintain his lifestyle for him by suggesting the first date be at Sky lounge in Eko Hotel and Quilox after. God forbid you allow him purge because of White House amala even though you would have gladly gone there with him. How were you to know the sweat you saw on him was panic running all over his shirt? Ahhh, you were just epping a brother’s reputation stay intact na!
Anyway, like I said – ladies, let me know if you’ve met any of these “hims”. Let’s gist in the comments section.