SCORE: children || david darling It’s funny how things can change in an instant and still remain the same after the longest of times; on one hand, all it takes is one second, one wrong move, one moment for everything you know to change. On the other hand, even after an eternity, some things still…
SCORE: children || david darling
It’s funny how things can change in an instant and still remain the same after the longest of times; on one hand, all it takes is one second, one wrong move, one moment for everything you know to change. On the other hand, even after an eternity, some things still remain the same. Time is a funny thing.
A year has passed since everything went wrong. 372 days since we marked our anniversary and I was the happiest man on the planet because I succeeded, for the first time, in completely keeping my plans from you and I enjoyed watching you blush and smile as my carefully laid plans unfolded until you couldn’t stop smiling and I could see in your eyes, how much you loved me. If I had known that would be the last time I got to see you look at me like the way you did, I would have reveled in those moments a minute longer. I would have made you smile more, albeit how impossible that was seeing as you couldn’t have smiled anymore without Athena, deeming you more of a threat than even Helen of Troy. By the gods, you’re beautiful! I wish I’d told you more. Not just because you’re even cuter when you blush but just because you are. 7 days after, 365 days from today, my worst nightmare begun. Not necessarily the worst day of my life but even Dante’s descent to hell didn’t start that terribly either
Did I ever tell you? I still have no recollection of the 9 weeks that followed. It’s all just…blank up until the day you texted me that you missed me on the evening I was at the RED awards. That was also the day you somehow, stumbled across Words I’d Never Get To Say and you cried unabashedly over the phone and in between sniffles, repeated our promise to each other to me “always and forever…always and forever”. I guess ‘forever’ is a lot shorter than I’d dreamed.
Forgive me. That’s not fair. I know the end of us hurt you too. I know it broke you when you said those words to me and even though I still don’t understand why, I loved you enough to let you let go of me. But I’d always wonder why. Why did you let go? Why wasn’t what we had enough to see us through? Why wasn’t our love enough? Don’t worry. I understand that not all questions are ever answered. And that’s okay. I’m grateful for the time we spent together and blessed that you showed me a love that words fail to adequately describe.
I was finally able to pack up all the stuff you ever gave me in a box. The shirts, the watch, even the notes we exchanged. They were gentle reminders of how much of me I bared to you and how much you saw me in all my imperfection and loved me nonetheless. You didn’t judge me or try to change me but somehow, I was the best version of me that I could possibly be. You always told me my writing was amazing and my scoring was beautiful. I finally put my writing out there and now, amongst other gigs, I write for a blog, TheNakedConvos and I’ve gotten a few “I love you, Cavey” comments so I think it’s safe to say that the TNC community kinda like my work. Thank you for believing in me.
I’m writing this, not because I know I’d never send it but because I’ve tried healing. I’ve tried moving on. And a week ago, I’d have said I was moving on just fine but I don’t know anymore. In the past year, I’ve had loads of opportunities to move on, met amazing women, even started a couple of things. But along the way, something happens. I either just lose interest or she ends things because of something I did or said that makes me wonder if I’m chasing them off unconsciously. Maybe I’m permanently damaged. Maybe it’s because today takes me back to last year and I’m all up in my emotions. Maybe it’s because Ekiti is wreaking havoc on my skin and yesterday, I found myself missing the body inspection you would have given me when I return home next week; you’d have inspected every inch of me and said softly “oh my baby, look what that place did to you”. Maybe by tomorrow, in hindsight, I’d wonder what was wrong with me right now. Maybe.
I love you but it’s time for me to move on.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that if a year after, the pain of losing you hasn’t dulled. But I will find a way. I have to.
Thank you for loving me and for letting me love you.
Always and forever,