My Name Is A-Zed (Remix): Episode 2

Hey people. Toolsman here. Today we continue with the tales of Azeez. I just want to take a moment to appeal to all the A-Zed fans who read the series last year. This is going to be an edited version of the original, sorta like a directors cut but I’d like to beg for some time for us to setup the story for those reading it for the first time. You’ll soon start noticing the changes with stuff like the introduction of new characters and so on. So please keep reading… cheers.


I quickly folded the money and put it into the smaller inner pocket of my jeans. I didn’t even know I could get that much in it. I took another good look at my surroundings and I still couldn’t believe I was out that late in Victoria Island. Before I could bask further in the euphoria that was slowly taking over me, the soundtrack supplied by my grumbling stomach reminded me that I still hadn’t had a full meal all day. I thought twice about looking for food, it would be wise to save all the money Kassy gave me but then again, what if I hadn’t made it, I thought to myself. One meal won’t kill, especially as I have more than enough for Dr. Okeke’s textbook and still enough to send to Mama and yet still enough to fuel my cab and also survive on through the coming week.

Na wah oh. Ten thousand naira. I wondered what owning a million would feel like even as I locked my car and began to sojourn the street corners of Adeyemo Alakija late into the night, abi early morning, looking for something to eat. As I walked forward I saw more girls lined up along the road, some alone, some in groups of two, three, four, some tall, dark, others, not so tall, light skinned. At first glance they all looked the same… in their very high heels and very exposing outfits – transparent tops, very very short skirts and I even saw a girl in just her underwear but I think she was changing though. Cars drove by, some pressed their horns and drove off, others stopped, chatted with the girls for a while and then drove off, while some stopped and the girls just almost instinctively got into the car. This is a crazy crazy world. I thought to myself …

Ahn Ahn. You no dey look where you dey go?

Ha. Please I’m sorry, please don’t be annoyed.

Caught up in my thoughts, I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was going and I had barged into one of the girls who stood displaying her wares for prospective customers. She was one of the artificially light skinned ones. Medium height, plus sized, heavily made-up, especially with the red lipstick and very loosely dressed. As I tried to apologize, a similarly dressed but fatter girl came out of nowhere laughing.

The fatter one: Why you just dey shout like that na?

Red lips: Why I no go shout, see as he just hit me carry body touch all my goody goody (she said, as she adjusted her very transparent bra wiggling her large sized breasts in the process)

The fatter one: But no be so dem dey do (she moved closer to me). You know wether na first time customer? Fine boy, you wan fuck? You want us to show you a good time? (She said with the most ridiculous forced American accent I’d ever heard)

I stood there almost too surprised to talk. Before I could force words out of my mouth, the fat one pulled out her breasts from her top and hauled them right before my face. Yes I said pulled. They were huge and the stretch marks, which ran all the way from her neck continued almost to the top of each nipple.

The fatter one: I’m gonna give you a gooooooooood time (she said, as she jiggled and wiggled her breasts at my face)

I snapped out of my self-imposed trance, turned a corner around them and briskly walked away, half running and not looking back. A few buildings ahead, I came across a couple of Mallam’s with what looked like mobile food stands setup in wheelbarrows. I quickly walked towards them expecting to see things like biscuits and maybe even gala. To my surprise the first Mallam had various brands of condoms displayed on his wheelbarrow. My God! I never knew they made so many of those things. I quickly turned to look at the second Mallam and he also had packs of condoms displayed along with some funny looking packs with images of naked men and women on them. They weren’t condoms, they looked more like drugs. Most of them with funny names: Energy 2000, Adam’s Desire, Nackam etc.

I couldn’t hide the disappointment on my face, neither could I hide my hunger any longer but before I could turn away, one of the Mallam’s asked:

Mallam1: Oga, which one I wan buy

Me: Aboki, abeg, na food I dey find

Mallam2: Kai, oga, that one go hard por this time walahi. Why I no go por that flace go buy (he said, pointing in the YNot direction)

Me: I no fit get like gala and coke?

Mallam1: Why I no talk that one before…. Which kain coke I want.

Me: Just give me two gala and one coke or if plastic dey bring plastic coke.

The Mallam disappeared almost immediately and I was too hungry to check which direction he went. I looked up to see a few girls casually strolling on the other side of the road. I recognized one of them – Kpekpeye girl from earlier that night. Her jacket was off again and security lights from the nearby building showed her in her “not-so-glory.” Just then, a car pulled up beside them and I watched as Kpekpeye girl more or less ran ahead of the other girls towards the car.

My attention was then drawn back to the other Mallam. A man had just run to him. Breathing heavily, he waved a N500 note at the Mallam and more or less yelled: give me one fantasy. It was at that point I noticed the man was a security guard. His uniform had the logo of a large and popular insurance firm embroidered on it and he kept looking back towards a building, which I later realized was the head office of the insurance firm.

Security man: Aboki, I say give me 1 Fantasy.

Mallam2: (reaching to pick one of the packs of condoms on his stand but then stops) Who send you come buy Pantasy?

Security Man: I say I wan buy something, you dey ask who send me

Mallam2: Abeg, oga, no vex but I know why I dey ask

Security Man: Ehn hen… (he said as he turned to look behind him again) ok, na Princess. Shey you don hear now. Oya bring wetin I ask for.

Mallam2: Kai shege, you see why I ask. Frincess I no dey use Pantasy. (He reached for one of the packs) Na Roup Rider Frincess dey use, take am.

Security man: Aboki I hope say you sure. If I need waka come back here and my tenant go start another round wey I no count, na die oh.

Just then, the other Mallam returned with a pet bottle of Fanta and two galas.

Mallam1: Oga, wahlahi na only this coke remain, shey I go manage am.

I couldn’t bring myself to argue. I collected it just as the security man ran back towards his building. I paid the Mallam, crossed over to the other side of the road and more or less jogged all the way back to my car. I closed the door of the car, wound down a bit and settled to my breakfast lunch and dinner, all wrapped in two delicious packs of beef sausages. I hadn’t taken the second bite from my first gala when I heard a noise towards the back of the passenger side of the car. Before I could turn around to see what was happening, two people were lying on the backseat of my car. Man and woman. The woman who was on top, I quickly recognized as Kassy but this time, her top was almost off.

The man was of Arab origin but I couldn’t really make out his face as her plum body covered him. She unzipped his trouser and then looked up at me. I made to leave the car but she used her right hand to hold me down by my shoulder while she somehow managed to use her left hand to dig into the man’s trouser and produce his private. She then smiled at me, while still holding my shoulder and then bent her head towards the man’s private area. I immediately turned my head forward towards my dashboard and managed to swallow the bit of gala I had been chewing.

The man made all kinds of noises for the next thirty seconds or there about and the noises climaxed into one final loud one. This was followed by sounds of someone spitting. I couldn’t take it, I turned around and saw Kassy spitting on the floor of the back seat area. Chei, I didn’t even want to imagine what cleaning that would take. While trying to control my anger, I flung the half eaten gala on my dashboard and heard as they both exited the car. They both leaned on the car and got talking. All I could hear were giggles and bad English. And then:

Arab man: But how much

Kassy: (giggles) same price, just one

Arab man: Ahn Ahn, me customer, Kassy

Kassy: That’s why its still one, others wont get it that cheap.

Arab man: Kassy Kassy. Kassy Kasandra. Na because say na you o.

I listened on in absolute shock even as I heard the Arab man speaking more pidgin English. He then pulled out his wallet and produced some crisp notes – US Dollars. He handed them to Kassy and said:

I add sometin extra for you to take care of my baby (he said as he tapped her breast)

Kassy giggled yet again as the Arab man walked away. She then got into the front passenger seat, looked at me with a broad smile on her face and said: A to the Zee. Fine boy toh bad. Lets go home

I checked the clock on my dashboard. 3:35am. I turned to her and asked: how about the others?

They will meet us later. (she said smiling even as she proceeded to rub the back of my head with her left hand)

Kassy: A Zed, A Zed – fiiiiinnnnee boy.


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