On The Issue of Consent…

Opinion

I still don’t understand how people can watch reality shows. It makes almost no sense to me, especially as most of them are not really even ‘reality’ so I’ve never been piqued by the Keeping Up/Big Brother/America’s Next Top Model etc franchise plus, the deliciously juicy parts are all over my twitter timeline so I…

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I still don’t understand how people can watch reality shows. It makes almost no sense to me, especially as most of them are not really even ‘reality’ so I’ve never been piqued by the Keeping Up/Big Brother/America’s Next Top Model etc franchise plus, the deliciously juicy parts are all over my twitter timeline so I have no reason to watch but I was making lunch today and a few friends came over (yes, all women) so of course, goodbye SuperSports, hello whatever channel airs BBNaija. *sigh*. Anyway there I was, amused at how excited my friends were and uncommittedly watching the show, bemused at what was going on when someone got disqualified. That definitely piqued my interest. So I watched some more to understa-

Wait.

Why am I trying to build a background story? Y’all already know what I’m talking about so I’m just going to skip all the feri feri and get right to it. Yes, I mean the Tboss and Kemen fiasco…

As we grow, we realize that Black & White situations are almost non-existent but that’s the thing: ‘almost’ not ‘definitely’. There are so many shades of grey that people forget that at the end of the day, grey only exists BECAUSE black and white exist. What I mean by that is that yes we would forever have the Messi v Ronaldo, Fried rice v Jollof Rice, Ghanians v Nigerians arguments but some things are never as complicated as we like to make them out to be; they are simply either black or white.

I have seen so many misguided tweets as regards consent that it worries me that there are actually people in 2017 who think that “a woman can’t be raped by her husband because they are married” or that “women still have patience/energy to play the “sometimes no means yes” game” or “women sometimes like to play hard to get” or “they don’t know they want to be touched, you have to show them that they do” or the one that always leaves a bad taste in my mouth “if she didn’t want to have sex, why did she come over/wear that dress?”. Really?! Do you need to take a dildo up your ass to know you don’t want one there? Worse are the posts I see that have been defending what Kemen did to TBoss and how about the speaker who defended him and called it a “mistake because he’s in the spotlight“? A F**KING SPEAKER! Urgh!!!

Let’s do English Language 101: word definition.

consent /kənˈsɛnt/
permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

How much more crystal can it get?

So maybe sometimes, there are very murky waters that lead to the point where it’s is forgivable – not ‘okay’ or ‘acceptable’- to assume that consent has been given like that post that was on here sometime ago but like the writer of that post realized, as long as express consent was not given, it’s NOT OKAY to touch/have sex with whomever. Funny thing is, consent can be given and it would still be rape. I believe it’s called (emotional) blackmail but that’s topic for another day by someone better suited to talk about it.

Guys, if you can’t read body language and be able to tell when it’s okay to fondle a woman, it’s WAAAYYYYYYYYY better for her to text you later “why didn’t you try to kiss/touch me? I wanted you to” and know that next time, you should shoot your shot than for you to just assume that because she looked at you suggestively, it’s okay to whip your junk out and shove it down her throat. You don’t even have to wait for her to tell you; the way she responds to a soft touch on her lower back or intertwined fingers or lightly brushing that imaginary strand of hair that always falls or sultry behavior is enough information to go with and EVEN THEN, consent on her part is STILL VERY key. You don’t get a tennis match if your opponent doesn’t return your serves do you? That’s how consent works!

So that I don’t keep ranting and to open the floor for comments, lemme just conclude with this:

Fam, so she didn’t say no right? Did she say yes?

Stay woke.

Responses

  1. Twisted
    Just as you rightly mentioned, Grey wouldn’t exist if black and white didn’t exist themselves. However, very rarely do we see black mistaken for white.
    There is a popular saying about silence giving consent and while that statement has its grey areas, Kemen’s case is a very good example.
    Now lets be clear I WILL NEVER BE IN SUPPORT OF RAPE IN WHATEVER FORM and I will never do the Victim blame game but look at these facts:
    1. Tboss claimed she had always told Kemen she wasn’t “feeling” him. That’s fine! As long as you dont go spooning with him and asking him to massage your “NaKED Borri”.
    Ladies be nice. Its not fair to tease a guy you know has the hots for you. Just stop it.
    2. Tboss lied. How can she say she didn’t know when he molested her when the second Kemen touched her “there”, she woke up, lifted the sheets, saw his hand and turned. If she wasn’t feeling the guy and still slept in his bed(which just irks the crap outta me) and felt him touching her privates, Lets be real abeg, you either tell him to stop or switch beds. Shikena.
    If he continued after you told him to stop, then we can talk.

    3. The vagina has 8000 nerve endings Cavey, so I dont care what anyone says, but unless you’ve been drugged or drunk, you cant be that deep in sleep after you woke up within the first few seconds you were initially touched.
    4. Kemen wasn’t looking around because he was about to do something shady,
    he was looking around to make sure everyone was asleep. Its normal.

    Please in the name of not victim shaming, Lets at least check the facts with a clear conscience. He didn’t deserve to have his whole career destroyed. BBNaija should have evicted him without necessarily airing it.
    Its even to their disadvantage cos there’s more reason to ban the show for good this time.

    7+
    1. ONE
      I have just one question for u, why didn’t kemen try looking for missing screws when they were both conscious and not under the influence of alcohol?
      1+
      1. Twisted
        missing screws?
        I dont understand.
        I can tell from your comment that you’re a decent person. Never had to think dirty. Ever.
        Thats the only reason why your good and decent nature would seek to nail kemen to the cross with possible reasons as to why he did what he did.
        I mean, how could he? God forbid you blame the girl. She was the victim abi?
        well newsflash, they were not under the influence.
        Tboss stated clearly that she drank only one glass and she wasn’t drunk. my grandma used to say “If you’re going to lie, Lie finish!”
        And since we’re talking influence, Kemen can say he was under the influence and blame the devil(its not like this would hold in court) but he didnt instead he kept asking Big brother to look at previous videos to confirm how “cozy” they’ve always been and how surprised he was to hear that it wasn’t consensual.
        On a side note, I bet Miyonse felt the same way when he left the house and realized Tboss nominated him for eviction…Lol! I digress.

        Tboss is smart.
        I give her that. Her reaction to all this was major damage control. All she did was look for the best way to save her face and Kemen took the fall for it.
        Was Kemen wrong? yes
        Did he harrass her? No. Not in my opinion and not according to the nigerian law.
        Would we be talking about Victims if it was Gifty? (who by moral standards was too “free”) I dont think so.
        Was Tboss wrong? YES

        Its double standards if you ask me. (debbie rise kissed bassey in his sleep. she wasnt sent home)

        2+
    2. Aisha
      Like my man Cavey here, I don’t watch reality shows so I had to work hard to follow the gist before hand. Apparently they have a back story so it’s easy to assume that Kemen is just an innocent man in a crappy situation. But Tboss was drunk. That’s the deal breaker. So she slept in his bed. So he wanted a little nookie. Why did he not start by kissing her or stroking her hair or something? I think this serves as a timely lesson to guys to be careful, that in the case of intimacy, it’s always better to err on the side of insufficiency.
      6+
    3. Ebi
      I’m a girl and this posts took the words right out of my mouth. A lot of us want to be politically correct, hence all the plenty grammar on the matter. I also think that if there was any form of resistance whatsoever, whether the babe was asleep or not, then every other thing that has happened after would have been worth it. Quite frankly i just believe all of this is just blown out of proportion.
      4+
    4. Africa'sFutureHasNoSpaceForStupidBlackMen
      Hello Twisted, I am replying to both your comments.
      First, Tboss is wrong but Kemen isn’t? (In the spirit of inclusion, you did say that Kemen was wrong right before you pointed out that Kemen had not harassed wrong word for this scenario btw) Tboss (so why is Kemen wrong again? You confuse me)) You do realise that you are blaming her for the decision a full blown adult took of his own volition? He woke up that morning and decided within himself that “this is the thing I am going to do”- and did it. Yet somehow, this is all Tboss’ fault? I am not understanding.
      Second, this was not Kemen’s bed because as you know, this is not Kemen’s house. Housemates are required to share beds downstairs e.g Marvis and Uriel. Last week the housemates (Efe mostly) berated Tboss for having a “bed space”. This week you have assigned Kemen an entire bed. Na wa.
      Third, did you watch the “massage” episode? Can you prove that Tboss was not pressured by what the housemates would have said? Can you prove Kemen did not volunteer to massage her? But this is beyond the point. My point is massages are non-sexual – that’s why people openly go to Spas – and if you say it is,then you also have to argue for why food (and eating) is sexual because there is food porn. And if you are preparing to make these arguments, please do not forget to include your reasons for why people in saunas (who are always naked btw) are not “asking for it”.
      Fourth, “Lets be real abeg, you either tell him to stop or switch beds. Shikena.” Is what you said even after saying this: “Tboss claimed she had always told Kemen she wasn’t “feeling” him.” I swear I do not understand why I have to point out the inconsistency in these two statements. Tboss did not only tell him she was not feeling him, she has warned him severally not to touch (or hug) her inappropriately. Why then did he go ahead to do what he did?
      Fifth, “The vagina has 8000 nerve endings” interesting fact. Want to know other interesting facts? That your body sleeps while your mind doesn’t. That some reactions are reflex while sleeping like waking up to adjust the covers. That when your body feels negative stimulus, it instinctively moves away. Tboss did not move towards Kemen, she turned away, limiting his access to her vagina (negative stimulus). How then did you interpret this as she had to have been enjoying it? Tboss did not wake up. She turned in her sleep like all of us do from time to time. How could she not have woken up? The same way people sleep walk, sleep talk and turn off their alarm clocks without ever remembering that they did.
      Sixth, “Tboss lied.” Actually, she didn’t, because she didn’t need to. If she had accepted that what had happened was consensual, it would have passed uneventfully. You know who lied though? Kemen. And no, Kemen did not tell biggie to check the tapes for “how “cozy” they’ve always been”. He told he hadn’t molested Tboss, that he was sleeping and that was the way he slept. I’m glad we both agree that the video shows Kemen touching Tboss inappropriately.
      Seventh, “Please in the name of not victim shaming” I do not think you know what “victim shaming” means btw. Also, your side note about Miyonce is a pointless digression. This is a game where you need to nominate two people each week. Whether she did it now or later, the rules of the game dictate that she owes no one any loyalties. TTT has nominated Efe more times than we care to count – and they’re not the only ones who have “turned” on their friends. Why she nominate Miyonce is her business and has nothing to do with Kemen touching her while she slept and without her permision. (She never even gave him “greenlight” to kiss her!)
      Lastly, “There is a popular saying about silence giving consent”it’s popular alright, it’s also wrong. The whole point of the initial article is to draw our attention to consent (which you have chosen not to address btw). Silence is not consent, it never has been. If you do not get a clear, audible go-ahead, it is not consent. So I ask you what our writer has asked: “so she didn’t say no right? Did she say yes?” And the clear answer is sadly, no. And that is why we say Kemen molested her. He waited for when she was most vulnerable and unaware and then he acted. This is why he needed to go. His leaving was televized? Well, so was his heinous act. Consequences my man (or woman), consequences. Kemen did this to himself, allow him take responsibility for his actions.
      16+
      1. Bee
        Wow, thanks for this comment . I was surprised at the comment myself and somewhat disappointed.
        Why didn’t he wake her up before touching her? If he knew she would have allowed him, why did he wait till she was asleep?
        The fact that an evil act has been made common doesn’t make it right? How and why should you touch a sleeping woman that can’t give consent? A woman you have n sexual relationship with. Sexual assault is touching someone or having sex with someone without their consent. The keyword here is CONSENT, her sleeping naked beside him didn’t make him entitled to her body, he isn’t an animal and he could have left the bed for her.

        It’s simple guys, stop touching women in vulnerable positions. I.e. Sleeping, drunk, drugged, it’s sexual assault even if she liked it later on, it’s wrong. A normal human being should train his/herself to have self control biko

        6+
      2. Twisted
        @uche just helped me explain what i meant by kemen did not harass Tboss.
        emphasis is on the word “harass”.
        There is a reason I said not according to me (My opinion) and to the nigerian constitution.
        That’s because the constitution clearly defines it as
        “sexual harassment is an unwelcome sexual advance, request for sexual favours, and other visual, verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, which when accepted or rejected, has the tendency of affecting one’s employment or educational opportunity or unreasonably interferes with the person’s work or educational performance.”
        I did that to correct the notion that kemen sexually harassed Tboss. I should have mentioned that I was trying to correct the use of words.

        2. I didn’t say Kemen was not wrong. In fact i did ask and answer that question directly.

        3. They were to share beds. Agreed… but unless big brother literally asks that you share a bed with someone, you are allowed to share with any other person. If i have told a dude to stay away from me, sleeping beside him will be the last thing i would do, don’t you think so?

        4. Please watch replays on YouTube if you have to, but Kemen mentioned that he asked BB to replay their videos. I saw that with my own eyes.

        5. Tboss didn’t just turn in her sleep. The evidence is everywhere. she woke up, picked up the cover, looked down “there” before she turned. if that’s reflex, WAWUU. I cant argue that one. people sleep walk after all.

        6. its obvious you didn’t get the “miyonse” part. Lets leave it at that.

        7. you said “…He waited for when she was most vulnerable and unaware and then he acted”. Hmmm! I think everyone sees things the way they deem fit. You saw it as that but would he have made to “finger” her in the noon time, possibly in the living room or at the den? I just think the timing was perfect for him.(As it would have been for anyone seeking to make out in a house with people and cameras)

        Lets agree to disagree.
        I really hate arguing. Thats why I didn’t proceed to law school after my first degree.
        *exasperated sigh*
        *handshake*

        I’m calling a spade a spade.

        1+
        1. Uche
          wait, why are you dragging me into this? this argument that you people are peddling in favor of Kemen is shit.

          1. I do not follow BBN at all, but I am told this guy has a record of rapist/sexual assault tendencies on the show
          2. It was also mentioned that TBoss had explicitly said she wasn’t down for anything with the Kemen guy
          3. She was sleeping; for God’s sake he had already committed the act before she even appeared to turn in her sleep. I don’t know so when I think you are disturbing me and I turn in my sleep I mean you should continue disturbing me?
          4. Back to she was sleeping; she wasn’t available to provide consent, and neither was there any form of consent provided in the past that Kemen could have been acting on
          5. You are sharing a bed, and so? So because your boss talks rudely to you, you will slap them? You people should know better than to use this line of argument please.
          6. The next time I have to talk about this issue, I will bitch slap someone’s child, this is like the third platform and I am appalled that in 2017, some of you do not understand consent. Jesus Lord!!!
          In this case, silence IS NOT CONSENT

          6+
          1. Twisted
            hahaha!
            You don vex.
            Calm down na. Its not that serious.
            I only referred to you emphasizing on the use of the right words.
            It have do. Vex not 🙂
            1+
    5. Charlene Kez
      Twisted, No long epistle you write is going to justify Kemen’s act. The guys even accepted that he was wrong. Blown out of proportion or not, let’s call a spade a spade.
      1+
    6. Cavey Post author
      Here goes…

      1. Well “men are scum” but it’s okay for a woman to ask a man to rub lotion on her back or unhook her bra or go lingerie shopping with her or even just cuddle because she’s cold and STILL get upset that he thought maybe, hits maybe she might like him. *chuckle* Meaning, as heartless as it is, people use people or like you said, tease people who have the hots for them without any plans on reciprocating that heat. It’s still not grounds to be touched.

      2b.I wouldn’t have been able to defend why she slept in his bed but did that already. Thanks.

      2a & 3. I digress a bit to make my point here: There have been a number of times I have woken up to whoever I’m with between my legs (‘cos it’s one of the best ways to be woken ????). I particularly enjoy this alarm because before I fully wake up, the feeling of the combination of sweet sleep and a dirty mouth can make a brother c- *clears throat* feels nice. But the thing is, for a bit, before your mind registers what’s going on, you just enjoy the feeling without understanding what it is. I’m not saying that was the case with TBoss but it’s a damn good possibility. And if you won’t take that, fam, there is sleep and there is SLEEP! So she woke up after a few seconds and went back to sleep? So you were never woken to go open the gate for your father and the next morning, asked him how he got inside? Just me then.

      4. Why do people have to be asleep for him to be comfortable enough to touch her? Abi is it not the same house that they legit have license to let their libidos think for them?

      With this long reply of mine, I hope I’ve been able to convince you to text me your number; you still owe me ice cream ????

      2+
    7. Kambili M.A. Chimalu
      @twisted Some other people have responded to you, but I want to throw my two kobo in too. Do you know where you should have ended your comment? You should have stopped here: “Now lets be clear I WILL NEVER BE IN SUPPORT OF RAPE IN WHATEVER FORM and I will never do the Victim blame game.” Once you added that “but” in there and claimed to want to look at the “facts,” you came out in support of rape and DEFINITELY blamed the victim.

      I will try to respond to your points, but I will start with this: a sleeping person CANNOT consent to sexual activity; a drunk/intoxicated person CANNOT consent to sexual activity; an underage person CANNOT consent to sexual activity; a mentally challenged person CANNOT consent to sexual activity; Consent has moved on from the absence of no to the verbalizing of an enthusiastic YES. That is the basic framework that I will be working with in my response to you.

      1. The fact that T-Boss spooned with Kemen or accepted a naked massage from him does not mean he has the rights to touch her when she is sleeping. Even if she had had full-blown sexual intercourse with him in the past, the fact is that THIS time, she did NOT give him permission to touch her sexually. The difference is that with the naked massage and spooning, T-boss said YES and CONSENTED to those activities, but that consent does not carryover to when she is sleeping. Besides, Kemen is an adult, so he should be able to decide to withdraw from someone “teasing” him, not try to rape/molest her.

      2. T-boss DID NOT LIE. IT IS POSSIBLE TO NOT KNOW SOMEONE IS TOUCHING YOU INTIMATELY WHILE YOU ARE ASLEEP. I am not going to go into too much details, but I have had someone touch me inappropriately while I was sleeping. When I woke up in the middle of the night and felt his hand, I froze because 1). I did not know what to think, say, or do, and 2). I could not believe someone I trusted and considered a friend would EVER do that to me. I stayed awake the rest of the night and when day broke, I could not tell his brother, who was also in the same room, because I did not know exactly how to say “your brother molested me.” Also, people react to molestation differently. The fact that she did not react the way YOU would have preferred does not mean she is lying. Again, T-boss was groggy from sleep and could have just felt something was not right, but not knowing exactly what it was. However, she MOVED AWAY from him.

      3. Again, not your vagina, so you cannot tell someone else what she can and can’t feel in her vagina. Again, even if she felt the initial touch, that does not equal consent. She DID NOT give Kemen the okay to touch her at all in the first place. THAT is the crux of the matter.

      We have checked the facts with a clear conscience and the truth of the matter is that Kemen molested T-boss. Why are you more concerned with the career of the molester than the wellbeing of the victim? Kemen destroyed his career with his own hands. All he had to do was simply keep his hands to himself and out of someone else’s vagina.

      I CANNOT believe that we have to debate this BLACK AND WHITE issue. Rape is rape is rape is rape is rape is rape. Rape by any other name is still rape!

      10+
      1. Twisted
        That “not your Vagina” cracked me up!
        C’est Vrai. Its not.

        But I need to state that i am not concerned with Kemen’s career o. I just felt other people have been evicted for breaking house rules without BB going into full details. But thats just my own.

        0
  2. Nelo
    Did anybody notice how that Kemen guy always had his hands inside his boxers /trousers. He sure had been itching for long. Lord, have mercy.
    0
  3. Larz
    Hmm. So guys, I don’t have the back story to this but going by post and comments above. BBNaija kicked a housemate out for raping a victim but showed this anyway?

    I forgot this was in any decent society, they will a) be fined or banned by the broadcasting corporation b) by sued by the person being raped for distributing non consensual sex of them.

    0
  4. Twisted

    @uche just helped me explain what i meant by kemen did not harrass Tboss.
    emphasis is on the word “harrass”.
    There is a reason I said not according to me (My opinion) and to the nigerian constitution.
    Thats because the constitution clearly defines it as
    “sexual harassment is an unwelcome sexual advance, request for sexual favours, and other visual, verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, which when accepted or rejected, has the tendency of affecting one’s employment or educational opportunity or unreasonably interferes with the person’s work or educational performance.”
    I did that to correct the notion that kemen sexually harrased Tboss. I should have mentioned that I was trying to correct the use of words.

    2. I didn’t say Kemen was not wrong. Infact i did ask and answer that question directly.

    3. They were to share beds. Agreed… but unless big brother literally asks that you share a bed with someone, you are allowed to share with any other person. If i have told a dude to stay away from me, sleeping beside him will be the last thing i would do, don’t you think so?

    4. Please watch replays on youtube if you have to, but Kemen mentioned that he asked BB to replay their videos. I saw that with my own eyes.

    5. Tboss didnt just turn in her sleep. The evidence is everywhere. she woke up, picked up the cover, looked down “there” before she turned. if thats reflex, WAWUU. I cant argue that one. people sleep walk after all.

    6. its obvious you didnt get the “miyonse” part. Lets leave it at that.

    7. you said “…He waited for when she was most vulnerable and unaware and then he acted”. Hmmm! I think everyone sees things the way they deem fit. You saw it as that but would he have made to “finger” her in the noon time, possibly in the living room or at the den? I just think the timing was perfect for him.(As it would have been for anyone seeking to make out in a house with people and cameras)

    Lets agree to disagree.
    I really hate arguing. Thats why I didnt proceed to law school after my first degree.
    *exasperated sigh*
    *handshake*

    I’m calling a spade a spade.

    0

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