Disclaimer: The following article was written under the influence of ‘intoxicants’ and so any reference to real life people/occurrences is completely and unapologetically on purpose but if you confront me later on the things said, I would deny it vehemently, even with the evidence of my words staring right back at me and then the world would know the truth; Cavey is crazy.
So I’m at a friend’s birthday party. Okay, he’s not my friend exactly; we’re acquainted (we went to college together) and he’s friends with a few of my friends and these friends, after an evening at the beach, suggested we stop by afterall, It was closeby. No biggie, we’re having one of our reckless weekends because Q1 is always so demanding and stressful and if you don’t unwind, you’d just be cranky all the time at work. Anyways I’m here, blunt in hand, whiskey – neat – in my glass, my head nodding to Wale’s Clappers as some girl is giving me a lap dance, trying to get The Caveman’s attention and I just want to state a few thought that have crossed my mind;
- What is wrong with men guys? Why do we have a script we seem determined to stick to like white on rice when we’re out and want to interact with women? What’s your name? Probably won’t remember in the next 3 seconds because you’re focused on her tatas and wondering what they’d look without clothes covering them; What do you do?/Are you colleagues with ‘insert host’s name?/some other kinda official-esque question’. Dude, house party not meet & greet, plus why use that now when you can use it later, like maybe when she’s better acquainted with you and you see she’s interested in having a conversation? Do you want to drink/smoke? If she wanted to, I’m sure she knows how to sort herself, plus, you think she’s oblivious to the fact that you’re only trying to get her high/drunk so you can have your way with her? Lol. Okay.
I mean, what is wrong with being spontaneous and inventive (and even corny) with conversations? Not “hi, you look really familiar, have we met before?” lines but something that should make her smile and feel at ease with you and not have her peg you as scum after a minute. “Hello! So my friend thinks you’re too pretty to tell the likes of me your name and normally, he’d be right but I’ve had a glass or two and I’m feeling lucky…do you want to make my evening and tell me your name?” or something silly that makes her at least more at ease and actually interested in you?
Tip: Try getting her to smile/laugh in your first 3-5 lines. Do that and you’re one step closer to getting her to leave with you contact.
Tip 2: If she tells you with attitude that she’s actually too pretty to tell you her name, smile and be petty and throw your drink in her face, walk away with grace like:
- Ladies, help me understand something; you left your homes, where you’re always texting people online (and maybe even tweeting “I need to go out more/I need to make friends”) to come to a party (where real people are!) to keep talking to people on your phone???
No really, I don’t understand it. I could’ve sworn outings/parties were to meet new people, have fun, make memories and if your phone can do all that, all I ask is that you tell me where I can get one. Mother needs one. Thanks.
- This is to the host/organizers of such get-togethers; all these people are around because of you. Even if they all know each other (or not), it is your responsibility to at least try and make it a fun experience for all, not just the people you know. Introduce yourself to those you don’t know, introduce people to each other – make an effort to ensure there’s no awkwardness between different group of friends that know you but don’t know each other, if it wasn’t stated that it was a BYOB/BYOF party, ensure food and drinks are sufficient and when its running low, nothing stops you from telling your guests that you want to get some more and donations are welcome/required. Most importantly, if you don’t want to do any of these, don’t be a bitch to someone who’s trying to give the party a jumpstart; (s)he’s not trying to take attention away from you, (s)he’s only trying to ensure that (s)he has a good time and people don’t refer to your event as dead.
Translation: boy, get over yourself. I don’t need to TRY to take attention away from you, I was only trying to make sure people had a good time.
- Guys, again this is to you. So you grab a girl’s hand ask a girl to dance and immediately proceed to give her your crotch? Just like that? *exhales* Fam, when you ask her to dance, DANCE and have fun whilst dancing. Can’t dance? Stop thinking about it and just let the music have its way with you and move and have fun. Trust me, if she sees you’re having fun, she’d have fun too and before you know it, she’s gummed herself to you.
- To the women who recognize when a man is trying to engage you and actually respond, the (wo)men who recognize someone who just wants to have fun and don’t need to be cajoled to resonate/vibe, the (wo)men who love the challenge of beer pong, truth or dare, strip-tease-dare poker and all the other games inspired by alcohol/greens and know how to have a damn good time, thank you for being you, especially for never making me regret coming out with my wonderful die.
P.S.: Birthday boy, I just want you to know that the girl you’re trying to pull? Yes, the one in the burgundy dress with ASStonishing features; whilst we were dancing, she told me to make sure I don’t go home without her. Then she slipped her thong into my pocket and whispered in my ear “that’s insurance…’cos I love those panties”. Just thought i should let you know, seeing as you like to play petty. Thinking about it, I guess I would act the same way towards me since I made the girl you wanted since your second year fall in love with me in a heartbeat. Hmmm. It’s all good brother, peace and love.
PPS.: Guys & gals, points 1 (especially), 2, 3 and 4 beg for feedback/comments. Your move.