Disclaimer: The following article was written under the influence of ‘intoxicants’ and so any reference to real life people/occurrences is completely and unapologetically on purpose but if you confront me later on the things said, I would deny it vehemently, even with the evidence of my words staring right back at me and then the world would know the truth; Cavey is crazy.

So I’m at a friend’s birthday party. Okay, he’s not my friend exactly; we’re acquainted (we went to college together) and he’s friends with a few of my friends and these friends, after an evening at the beach, suggested we stop by afterall, It was closeby. No biggie, we’re having one of our reckless weekends because Q1 is always so demanding and stressful and if you don’t unwind, you’d just be cranky all the time at work. Anyways I’m here, blunt in hand, whiskey – neat – in my glass, my head nodding to Wale’s Clappers as some girl is giving me a lap dance, trying to get The Caveman’s attention and I just want to state a few thought that have crossed my mind;

  • What is wrong with men guys? Why do we have a script we seem determined to stick to like white on rice when we’re out and want to interact with women? What’s your name? Probably won’t remember in the next 3 seconds because you’re focused on her tatas and wondering what they’d look without clothes covering them; What do you do?/Are you colleagues with ‘insert host’s name?/some other kinda official-esque question’. Dude, house party not meet & greet, plus why use that now when you can use it later, like maybe when she’s better acquainted with you and you see she’s interested in having a conversation? Do you want to drink/smoke? If she wanted to, I’m sure she knows how to sort herself, plus, you think she’s oblivious to the fact that you’re only trying to get her high/drunk so you can have your way with her? Lol. Okay.

I mean, what is wrong with being spontaneous and inventive (and even corny) with conversations? Not “hi, you look really familiar, have we met before?” lines but something that should make her smile and feel at ease with you and not have her peg you as scum after a minute. “Hello! So my friend thinks you’re too pretty to tell the likes of me your name and normally, he’d be right but I’ve had a glass or two and I’m feeling lucky…do you want to make my evening and tell me your name?” or something silly that makes her at least more at ease and actually interested in you?

Tip: Try getting her to smile/laugh in your first 3-5 lines. Do that and you’re one step closer to getting her to leave with you contact.

Tip 2: If she tells you with attitude that she’s actually too pretty to tell you her name, smile and be petty and throw your drink in her face, walk away with grace like:


  • Ladies, help me understand something; you left your homes, where you’re always texting people online (and maybe even tweeting “I need to go out more/I need to make friends”) to come to a party (where real people are!) to keep talking to people on your phone???


No really, I don’t understand it. I could’ve sworn outings/parties were to meet new people, have fun, make memories and if your phone can do all that, all I ask is that you tell me where I can get one. Mother needs one. Thanks.

  • This is to the host/organizers of such get-togethers; all these people are around because of you. Even if they all know each other (or not), it is your responsibility to at least try and make it a fun experience for all, not just the people you know. Introduce yourself to those you don’t know, introduce people to each other – make an effort to ensure there’s no awkwardness between different group of friends that know you but don’t know each other, if it wasn’t stated that it was a BYOB/BYOF party, ensure food and drinks are sufficient and when its running low, nothing stops you from telling your guests that you want to get some more and donations are welcome/required. Most importantly, if you don’t want to do any of these, don’t be a bitch to someone who’s trying to give the party a jumpstart; (s)he’s not trying to take attention away from you, (s)he’s only trying to ensure that (s)he has a good time and people don’t refer to your event as dead.

Translation: boy, get over yourself. I don’t need to TRY to take attention away from you, I was only trying to make sure people had a good time.

  • Guys, again this is to you. So you grab a girl’s hand ask a girl to dance and immediately proceed to give her your crotch? Just like that? *exhales* Fam, when you ask her to dance, DANCE and have fun whilst dancing. Can’t dance? Stop thinking about it and just let the music have its way with you and move and have fun. Trust me, if she sees you’re having fun, she’d have fun too and before you know it, she’s gummed herself to you.
  • To the women who recognize when a man is trying to engage you and actually respond, the (wo)men who recognize someone who just wants to have fun and don’t need to be cajoled to resonate/vibe, the (wo)men who love the challenge of beer pong, truth or dare, strip-tease-dare poker and all the other games inspired by alcohol/greens and know how to have a damn good time, thank you for being you, especially for never making me regret coming out with my wonderful die.


P.S.: Birthday boy, I just want you to know that the girl you’re trying to pull? Yes, the one in the burgundy dress with ASStonishing features; whilst we were dancing, she told me to make sure I don’t go home without her. Then she slipped her thong into my pocket and whispered in my ear “that’s insurance…’cos I love those panties”. Just thought i should let you know, seeing as you like to play petty. Thinking about it, I guess I would act the same way towards me since I made the girl you wanted since your second year fall in love with me in a heartbeat. Hmmm. It’s all good brother, peace and love.

PPS.: Guys & gals, points 1 (especially), 2, 3 and 4 beg for feedback/comments. Your move.


  1. CeeCee
    Sometimes when I get dragged to house party I don’t wanna be at cos my crazy friend needs a wing man or should I say wing woman and I can’t say no, cos I have dragged her to so many, so this is me returning a favor. Then when I get there she disappears and I am all alone. I start noticing stuff. This is what I realize:

    First of all, all house parties start at 9 or 10pm, which means you can’t show up until 11 at the earliest, which means you need to consume an unmanageable amount of caffeine/alcohol beforehand in order to enjoy yourself, that’s if you are being dragged out like I am, which means you’ll still be wide awake and drunkenly wall-eyed at 4am when you get home alone, “having failed to secure any sexual activity, which everyone knows is the only reason “most people” go to parties in the first place” I am just saying, that’s not necessarily why I go to parties, I don’t think I have to give a reason, so moving on.

    Secondly, it is generally too loud to meaningfully converse and too crowded with judgmental people to dance, forcing you to just STAND there in a cluster of people holding cups and pretending to care about the conversation or you are totally occupied with your phone, hence @cavey “Ladies, help me understand something; you left your homes, where you’re always texting people online (and maybe even tweeting “I need to go out more/I need to make friends”) to come to a party (where real people are!) to keep talking to people on your phone???” until one by one they all drift off and you’re forced to find a new cluster, but then you end up in a new cluster with one of the people from your old cluster and you worry that they think you’re following them around the party because you’re obsessed with them, “all those funk feeling island boys/girls”, like seriously, “dude, I don’t even wanna be here in the first place”.

    1. Morris
      Lol …until one by one they all drift off and you’re forced to find a new cluster, but then you end up in a new cluster with one of the people from your old cluster and you worry that they think you’re following them around the party because you’re obsessed with them, “all those funk feeling island boys/girls”, like seriously, “dude, I don’t even wanna be here in the first place”.

      I am already stressed out with all this information. The crotch dancing part tho, I kent understand too.
      @Cavey, i hope this message reaches the right people, so, you can have better parties henceforth.

    2. Cavey Post author
      Firstly, I think since you and your friend are of the habit of dragging each other to parties, it’s only fair to yourself that you start enjoying them. Secondly, trust me, not all house parties start by 9 like you think and YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE INTOXICATED TO ENJOY YOURSELF. The fact that you think getting high/drunk is a necessity is enough proof that you need to come for a Cavey organised shindig (and TNC hosts amazing shii too). Thirdly, ummm, if it’s to loud where you are, change rooms (I’m sure that’s one of the perks of a house party…different rooms). Fourthly, whatchu mean too many judgmental picture there? Hellooo, there are judgmental people everywhere and to be honest, one of the rules of having a good house party is the absence of Georges and Georginas, everyone is supposed to be as open-minded as fuck (‘scuse my french). Fifthly, you still have no case with the texting thing. Sixthly…*exhales*
      You know what? You need to come for a party hosted by yours truly so you know what a house party ought to be like.
      Thanks for reading and commenting, and for being first, you get an invite if I host anything anytime soon.
      1. CeeCee
        Lol…sorry for frustrating you the more and for making you have to write all over again. I gladly accept the invite…I can’t wait to be shown how to party right.
  2. Miz
    Lol! So you went to a party you weren’t invited for and ruined it for the birthday boy and now you wrote an article shading/subbing the person…you sound pained!

    Now I want to know what he said/did to deserve his very own personal article!

    1. Cavey Post author
      On the contrary, my good , I didn’t ruin anything for anyone. I made it even funner. And to be honest, I wasn’t ‘pained’, more like ‘irked’ that i) a grown man couldn’t see that I was only trying to help and ii) when will people learn to have a good time at a house party?
  3. Larz

    I knew underneath that love Doctor image is a true badt guy. Hmm hmm. Yoruba angel? I think not.

    Weston birthday boy do you now wey make you make a serious move on is long lost crush in his own party? You are mean gan

    1. Cavey Post author
      Sorry to disappoint but no ‘badt guyry’ here; Still just your regular Yoruba angel. And just to be clear, I didn’t make ‘serious’ moves…I was just nice to her. Someone has to be when the birthday boy wasn’t doing his job and was lashing out at those who were trying 😌
  4. Joko
    And the crazy @cavey comes up with another one 😂

    1. ” Dude, house party not meet & greet”. This killed me. I agree with you on this. Why does asking for her name always be the first statement though? Just start a convo with something you think she can relate to. Once she does and you make her smile at intetvals, you’re sure to get her name and contact before the end of the night. If you feel, you guys ain’t feeling eachother, just have a respectable good closure and move along.
    “Hello! So my friend thinks you’re too pretty to tell the likes of me your name and normally, he’d be right but I’ve had a glass or two and I’m feeling lucky…do you want to make my evening and tell me your name?”. I might just use this line at the next houseparty I attend. Hehehe.
    2. I totally agree with you on the “texting at a house party/club”. Like really?! You shudda just stayed at home…on your bed…with your phone…and continue to mingle with your online partners. Makes we wanna have a house party where everyone will be mandated to drop their phone in a box at the door. Like seriously, you’re here to meet really people. Grow up!
    3. Thumbs up with getting the host introduce people across camps. It breaks the ice across different ‘camps’.
    4. Ladies and Guys. Please, not everyone thinks about your body the first time they approach you. Have you ever heard of the word ‘Sapiosexual’?
    5. @cavey Better send me an invite to your next house party 😉

  5. Ramat
    I wrote this long comment and discovered it didn’t go up 😢😢. Anyway, let me try again.

    I think parties should be fun because they are just that; parties. I hate when I see people acting too fly for the scene. If you were too cool, why the flying hell did you come? Our phones are contributing to that crazy too-cool-to-dance mentality and you are right; keep them locked or stay at home and fiddle with them.

    I was at this party dancing with a really awesome dancer when from nowhere, I felt something poking me in my butt. Turned around and it was a sweaty guy with an erection. I was like, ‘Negro, what the fuck is wrong with you? Na only my ass you see? Dance if you wan dance but comot from my back!’ Dude beat a hasty retreat and I laughed. Other guy who just danced was more interesting because you could see we had chemistry on the dance floor. No like I can dance well but the guy got me over my nervousness by just having fun. Trust me, it is contagious.

    That being said, I haven’t partied in a while (at least 5 years) so I might just be one of the boring ones there. Cavey, you need to fix a girl up because it seems your parties are my kind of parties.

    In conclusion, you friend is going to come for you! 😂😂😂😂😂

    You rock dear. I think I like savage @cavey. You are like sweet and sour sauce with plenty shredded chicken and a zing that stays with you after every bite. Now I am hungry. Kiss kiss!

  6. OluOlu
    Some of us are just not good with parties and social skills are zero, but when I am able to convince myself that the world will not end if I go to a party, I actually have fun.

    The only party I attended since 2010 was TNC’s party. That was the first time I ever attended a party without someone I know. If you noticed a guy leaning on the railing and just watching, that was me.I’m very sure I would have come off as a snub.
    Question is; why would anyone come to a party and then pretend to be dis-interested in everything that’s going on? Truth is, we all have different ways of catching fun at a party. Some enjoy being the life of the party, others are there for the music and dancing, some just want to get laid while some are just there for the free booze. Me? I write a million stories in my head when at a party, just from observing human behaviour when there’s a mix of music, booze and women.

    What I don’t understand is why some people think you are at a party for the same reason as they are and want to forcefully drag you into their own thing. There was this guy who thought I needed help so he was going to get me drinks (I don’t drink anymore) and even went as far as telling one girl that I’d been wanting to talk to her all night but was too shy. Yes I’m shy. No, she wasn’t the girl I had been wanting to talk to. There was this other girl, liked her from the first look, but she wouldn’t stop smoking and cigarette smoke triggers cluster headaches for me.
    I did have fun. I met interesting people who I had engaging conversations with and I also enjoyed watching other people have fun, call me a party voyeur if you wish. But really, the whole point of having a party is to have fun and relax and if that comes to people in different ways, then so be it. My own party observations.

  7. s/he
    I hate young people parties. grownups know how to have fun without all d unnecessary ass-pinching and crotch-shoving (and by grownups I mean middle aged)
    I like being able to go to a party and have fun watching and dancing and drinking.
    I like being able to actually hold a meaningful conversation with someone who’s smart, has a sense of humour and can hold his/her own.
    I like being able to dance and let go without having to restrain myself because some testosterone-dripping dude may take that as an invite to shove his crotch up my ass.
    I love being able to watch people interact with each other without all the unnecessary coyness and guile.
    I hate smoke but I have no problem with people who do and as long as I can breathe, I’m fine.
    I dont much fancy alcohol so that can be a problem when ur in a party where everyone feels they have to get high to have fun.
    I’m quite young but I’d rather escort my mum to a party than go to one with my mates. why? plenty to eat, drink, I can kick back and observe….and *chuckles* I get to put on my big girl shoes… adults are quite entertaining and so full of worldly advice.

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