So, Last week, K. Rukia shared a post about polyamory that got a lot of people asking questions. It’s an absolutely fantastically great piece, and I think everyone should read it if they haven’t already. I also found it to be an oddly timely piece, precisely because it came out right as I was ending a polyamorous relationship. There’s a lot about her post that she says is effectively hypothetical, so I figured it would be everyone’s benefit to hear a perspective on what it was like for me.

I wasn’t exactly new to the idea of being poly when I first got started. I have a lot of close friends who turned out to be polyamorous people, and they are some of the nicest, most caring, and most intelligent people I have ever met. I had heard bits and pieces from friends about their relationships but I had never actually dated anyone who was poly until I met Niku.

I met her during trip out of town and we got to talking and became fast friends. She had told me that she had two boyfriends and wasn’t looking for a new romantic partner at the time. I was fine with that, but as time wore on, we couldn’t deny that there was something between us. For one, those who have read my comments on this blog for long enough know that I am unabashedly attracted to intelligent women and she was by far the most intelligent that I have ever met. She was also gorgeous and really funny. She had this way of making you see light where darkness should have been. I could go on, but you get the point. This woman was amazing. We generally had a good thing going but all that changed suddenly a few weeks ago when I realized I might actually be in love for the first time in my adult life.

That’s when the questions start running through your head. How do you bring up this girl to your family if you’ve never done such a thing before? How do you handle the massive levels of racial and cultural difference that will be immediately apparent? Are you going to continue with the stresses of a long distance relationship, or will you make more concrete steps to move closer so that the logistics of being together are less of a problem? And then the mega monster questions: What will happen when your family finds out about the unorthodox nature of your relationship? Will you be able to protect her from the fallout that could happen? Will you be okay in the end?

With all that in the back of my head and some other conflicting emotional stuff in the background, I caved and broke up with her. In the days since then, I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching about what I actually want out of life and how to address the things that are problems I didn’t know I had. I started by admitting to my mother that I’d actually had a girlfriend and that was something that I never would have done in the past.

Looking back on the experience, I think polyamory would be a great thing for a lot of Nigerians. I watch so many people in my parents’ generation go through lives of absolute misery in their marriages and relationships. Many are currently weaving webs of lies and deceit and heartbreak all because they refuse to be honest with each other about what their wants and needs might be.

If you’re going to consider polyamory, you have to be honest with yourself and your partner. I mean REALLY honest. Doing it successfully requires a level of self awareness, introspection, and constant communication with the other people in your life. You’re constantly discussing what your needs are, what your problems are and how both of those can best be addressed. Poly people communicate on a level that makes monogamous people look downright amateurish. They have a remarkably low threshold for addressing issues before they blow out of proportion. Most of the monogamous couples I have watched through the years either don’t address their problems at all or they wait until it becomes an issue that can’t easily be resolved without massive collateral damage.

If you’re having problems in your relationship with your spouse, significant other, or yourself, and you haven’t started to identify or address them, then adding polyamory into the mix may make things worse. I had always thought of myself as very self aware, but I never realized how deep some of my fears and insecurities were, not to mention all the problems I didn’t know I had. For example, I have a habit of implying things without outrightly saying them, and in the moments when I fully said what I meant, the experience became quite jarring. That’s something I have never noticed before until Niku pointed it out to me. Beyond the level of communication that polyamory requires, Niku is also a psychologist and a linguist by trade, so she was particularly hyperfocused on that.

There’s a lot more I could add, but I guess the big question now is whether or not I would ever do it again. I don’t know that I have an answer right now. What I do know is that it was one of the best experiences of my life. It taught me so much more about myself and other people than I ever thought possible. If you do this, you must know that it will stretch your mind, your soul, and test everything you ever knew to be true, but you have to be willing to put in the work.

If you have any questions about my relationship specifically or polyamorous relationships in general, I’ll do my best to answer them in the comments section.

P.S. For anyone who cares to know, Niku and I are still friends and plan to remain so. We just won’t have a romantic relationship anymore.

Image via The American Interest

Responses

  1. Ray
    Tolaaaaaaaaaa! I kinda missed reading your posts.
    I get that your relationship with Niku taught you a lot but you seem to be implying that it only did because it was a polyamorous affair. Do you think you would have learnt as much if it was monogamous?
    2+
    1. Omotola Ajibade Post author
      I don’t know if I would have learned as much about myself in monogamous relationship. I have them in the past and I likely will again, but clearly I had problems in the past that I didn’t notice before this. I’m sure there are people who come to these same kinds of realizations without multiple partners, but this was just how I happened to learn about myself and my flaws.
      0
      1. Ray
        I think you not discovering your flaws then is as a result of the kind of person you are and the people you were with, not because of the nature of the past relationships.
        9+
      2. Blessing Abeng
        Tola I think this is not a polyamory or monogamy matter. Niku was a great person and you were open to learning. What if she wasn’t all that, would the point still be polyamory? Did you date because she was polyamorous? Are you polyamorous?
        I’m not being judgmental, I’m just saying.
        2+
        1. Omotola Ajibade Post author
          IDK if the point would have still been polyamory. That’s just how I encountered it.

          No, I didn’t date her because she was poly. Notice all the the other things that I mentioned about her that I liked. I would have dated her irrespective of polyamory.

          I’m not poly. I am currently single and plan to stay that way for a while. I clearly still have a lot of growing to do on my own before I get involved with anyone new.

          0
  2. Snow
    LOL. I couldn’t help but notice that this whole article was taking subtle shots at monogamous people.

    Now back to my normal self, honestly this article just raises more questions for me,

    So Niku was polyamorous, She had several boyfriends including you. How many girlfriends did you have? if it was one, how does that make you polyamorous? OR are you polyamorous simply because you were dating a polyamorous person? If i was dating a person and she told me she was polyamorous, and i continued dating her and never dated anyone else while she remained polyamorous, what am i?

    And when you told your mum you had a girlfriend, did you also tell her the nature of the relationship? or you left out some parts.

    “Poly people communicate on a level that makes monogamous people look downright amateurish”
    Really? Really? Really? Because I like to believe that communication is as much a result of who you are as a person rather than what you are trying to be.

    People in our parent’s generation go through lives of absolute misery simply because they are not strong enough to walk away. Don’t come and be blaming monogamy as the cause of anything when we humans have a tendency for making our flaws reflect on anything and then make that thing seem like the problem.

    i will not go into “SEX” yet as part of the questions i am still asking. I first want to really grasp the dynamics of an intricate web of romanctic relationships. But I bet someone will bring it up here.

    And also when you people say “ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS”, what exactly do you people really mean by that?What makes a relationship romantic or platonic or anything?

    :

    29+
    1. Ray
      You just said a lot of things I wanted to say after he answers my question.
      He seemed to attribute her psychological knowledge of him to Her polyamorous choice and not her educational background.
      He also focused so much on ‘honesty’ and supposed lack of it in monogamous relationships and completely ignored the emotional effect of permitting the presence of extra people in the relationship.
      In the comments section of Rukia’s post, some people asked If she would continue being polyamorous when she wanted to marry, others countered, asking why marriage is always brought up in matters of relationships. The importance of not marriage particularly, but continuity, is shown in this post. Why have a relationship when you can’t be open about it to other people for fear of lack of acceptance? How do you deal with the rejection from the people that matter in your life due to your decision?
      3+
    2. Omotola Ajibade Post author
      I was dating other people as well but Niku was my only serious girlfriend.

      I genuinely believe that a lot monogamous couples go into relationships making assumptions about their dynamics. In my experience they tend to assume that things will never change, but they do. Poly people tend to ask a lot more questions on the front end so that everyone is clear about what is happening.

      0
      1. Captain
        This sort of implies that you would still have had those “great experiences”, communication, openness et al., regardless of the relationship type as long as Niku was in the mix. Makes me think Niku is/was the answer NOT poly.
        0
  3. Cavey
    Hello Tola,
    Lovely article, but you didn’t tell us how it was the polyamory that made you grow. Like Ray said, how do you know you wouldn’t have made the same growth if she was monogamous?
    1+
    1. Omotola Ajibade Post author
      It’s possible that I could have learned the same things from a monogamous relationship but I clearly didn’t. Prior to this, I rarely considered what I actually wanted from a partner and the few times I did, I just sort of implied it without outrightly stating it. I spent a lot of time considering everyone else’s needs and not much time considering my own. It’s a habit of mine that extends far beyond romantic aspirations.
      0
  4. G B
    Interesting read (interesting reads, considering both posts). They were certainly very illuminating. But, Tola, I have to ask. Don’t you think you could have learned to be that honest with yourself and others in a monogamous relationship? You don’t need to be poly- to insist on being communicated to clearly.

    But, there’s some points I think are valid. I can learn from polyamorous people. I just don’t think I’m cut out for it, though.

    3+
    1. Omotola Ajibade Post author
      Don’t get me wrong, I was honest with myself and others in my previous relationships. It’s just that in this particular relationship, I started seeing things that never came up before. In some ways, it’s like being fish in the ocean and suddenly finding yourself on dry land. If you’ve only ever seen water, how can you know that air exists?
      0
  5. Uche
    Lol. I find this article and the previous article very laughable, but I’m too lazy to think up intelligent responses. Who Polyamory don epp. Who monogamy don epp? Tbh.I don’t understand this need to be with many people at once. Get friends please. If you have so many friends, why do you need so many girlfriends/boyfriends? How many pieces of yourself do you want to distribute? Like I told someone, science will always find an explanation to every thing, no matter how they sound.
    7+
    1. kierkedaark
      “…pieces of yourself…distribute”?! It’s all about relationships. No one’s talking about making Horcruxes, or such, here.

      And are you implying that science is wrong for trying to explain things or that we shouldn’t seek scientific basis for our actions?

      2+
    2. Miss James
      As in eh? In life I need like 20hours to myself daily but I can’t, imagine having more than one boyfriend, then there’s my dad, my best friend and my brother and all those colleagues and friends…..exhausting.
      1+
  6. Uche
    I’m not saying science is wrong. It’s just convenient. I will find whatever I’m looking for. That’s how someone somehow found a way to connect breastfeeding to economic growth. Please.
    1+
  7. Kabuk
    If you ask me, Tola is just one bad sharp guy! Shikena. I’m thinking Niku is as awesome as you’d have us believe; so you had this dilemma, a girl that would have been good enough for keeps has fallen into your laps but you’re not looking for that kind of commitment just yet: while pondering this dilemma, in comes the girl with a ready made solution, she’s polyamourous and as such she can be with you and you get to have this awesome girl, albeit with a foolproof exit plan; what will people think?
    The self-discovery blah blah is simple: you got involved with a Psychologist-cum-Linguist who was only too willing to employ her immense talents on you coupled with the natural knack ladies have for deep insights. Who manipulated Who? I guess time will tell….
    4+
  8. SeryxMe
    So, here we go again. I’m yet to understand how you learnt so much about yourself because of polyamory, rather than because of the person you dated. Most of the lessons you implied you learnt make it sound as if polyamory made Niku who she is which inadvertently made her help you learn so much. Beyond the fact that you had to reconsider the relationship because of the unorthodox nature of it, I don’t see what else polyamory exactly taught you that couldn’t have been learnt in other ways.

    For instance, your telling your mom about your gf for the first time is more a function of you falling in love for the first time in your adult life than anything else.

    Point is, maybe your being in a polyamorous relationship brought about your Eureka moment, and that’s fine. But don’t make it sound like all these things are only much more possible in polyamory than in monogamy. Polyamory isn’t that popular so you don’t have the large sample size of monogamy to even begin to compare. Most of the expected benefits were already laid out in the first post and they’re still unconvincing for me. Like I’ve said previously, without the romance/sex, it’s just a bunch of friends that care deeply about one another. So I still say, this is just legalized cheating IMO.

    14+
    1. Tee boy
      It’s not cheating in any way as long as it does not break any rules between the poly couples. It is cheating for a mono couple.
      ‘Cheating’ is cheating when set rules are broken. After all open book exams are not legalised cheating.
      6+
  9. Larz
    I agree with everyone Tola. The benefits of polyamory above may be as a result of the girl and not the type of relationships you have.

    I do think people run a risk of putting their relationship in a box when in monogamous relationship. You decide what is acceptable / not based on what you know (e.g. ur parents relationship). If more people can burn “conventional” relationship rulebook before committing into a relationship and build their own rulebook based on what is important to the two of them. No topic should b deem unacceptable unless agreed by both people. For example, how many married couple are comfortable enuf in their relationship to tell the SO that they have a crush. I use that as a standard example becuz we all have / will crush on someone else other that our other half in our lifetime. We all know this but somehow it is a taboo to ever discuss it with our spouse. There are many more examples of things you mustnt share with your spouse.

    4+
  10. Uche
    Random; do you people consider the financial implication of this? How many birthday presents? Anniversary presents? Christmas, Valentines… do you ration the love? Do you draw a timetable? Where’s the time to be with yourself? Do you know how many people’s wishes you’d have to consider when making a decision? How many people have a say in your life? Unless it’s a play play relationship I don’t know how this can work. Abi they both have different responsibilities?
    11+
      1. Uche
        Kierkedaark, this is what I meant when I said distributing pieces of yourself.

        So let me see. You’re planning to take a job vs a masters you ask only one person even though It affects them all? You want to celebrate an achievement, only one person celebrates with you? How do the others feel? So do you tell them. Oh no. I’m sorry. You’re number 5, you don’t expect me to listen to you as much as I’d listen to Joe, who’s number 1. What about sexy time. I know we said it’s not the key part, but it has to happen. Do you sleep with all of them or do you find the one that you consider might have the best game and sleep with them? Do all of them call you when they have issues? How do you deal with many sob stories? That’s aside your friends and their issues. I’m more interested in the logistics/dynamics than in the merits and demerits. I’m not poly btw. Just trying to make sense of it.

        3+
        1. Kierkedaark
          I’m not polyamorous, either. I’m also trying to make some sense of it.
          Going by what I can remember from Rukia’s post and this one, Polyamorous people talk to each other about everything. They also seem to have this ability to super-compartmentalize. They make it work. For mortals like you and me, this seems very strange. I don’t know how they do it. One woman has always been almost more than I can handle.
          But this issue of selecting who to tell what isn’t really a big one, in my opinion. We’ve all had such moments. Your siblings know something your parents don’t, you and your dad don’t let your mum know something, or you don’t tell your boyfriend about some guy you met but tell your friends, etc. I think this principle applies to the relationship(s) in a slightly different scope. All the partners have roles they play. If any one of them is jealous, then they obviously aren’t suited for polyamory.
          I think.
          1+
  11. The Real High
    “P.S. For anyone who cares to know, Niku and I are still friends and plan to remain so. We just won’t have a romantic relationship anymore”

    I’m not sure what this implies but does this mean you would no longer have sex or just no longer share emotions and emotional bants?? indulge me please!

    1+
  12. DEJIDOPE
    ”I have a lot of close friends who turned out to be polyamorous people, and they are some of the nicest, most caring, and most intelligent people I have ever met” – So Monogamous people are not nice,caring and intelligent or what? why did you have to point that out to try and make them seem better than people who are not polyamorous.

    ”I think polyamory would be a great thing for a lot of Nigerians. I watch so many people in my parents’ generation go through lives of absolute misery in their marriages and relationships. Many are currently weaving webs of lies and deceit and heartbreak all because they refuse to be honest with each other about what their wants and needs might be”. – The Solution to Couples having issues in their Marriages is to be in relationships with other people?????????(You wold make a great therapist)

    Poly people communicate on a level that makes monogamous people look downright amateurish. – Please tell me you are Joking please, so now we Normal People are Amateurish in our mode of communication?

    Most of the monogamous couples I have watched through the years either don’t address their problems at all or they wait until it becomes an issue that can’t easily be resolved without massive collateral damage.- Most of the couples you watched, did you by any chance live with this couples in their homes and see how their interact with one another properly?

    This whole post is just aimed at trying to make polyamorous relatoinships look good and monogamous relationships look bad, even going as far as saying polyamory might be a ”Solution” to couples in monogamous relationships, what a Joke.

    7+
    1. Lola
      ”So Monogamous people are not nice,caring and intelligent or what? why did you have to point that out to try and make them seem better than people who are not polyamorous.”………..
      I think he was just trying to tell us that they are pretty much like regular people and are not all the freakish result of a traumatized childhood that most people assume.

      ”The Solution to Couples having issues in their Marriages is to be in relationships with other people?????????(You wold make a great therapist)”……
      No, he says it is a possible solution for some people rather than having the lies and the deceit and sneaking around that is involved in cheating on your spouse.

      ”Please tell me you are Joking please, so now we Normal People are Amateurish in our mode of communication?”……………
      This is comparison of communication between the two relationships. He isn’t actually calling mongamous communication amateurish.

      ”Most of the couples you watched, did you by any chance live with this* (these) couples in their homes and see how their interact with one another properly?”………………
      This actually seems like a question so i have no comment.

      ”This whole post is just aimed at trying to make polyamorous relatoinships look good and monogamous relationships look bad, even going as far as saying polyamory might be a ”Solution” to couples in monogamous relationships,”…………….
      Again, the writer is implying that it is a possible solution for some people.

      ”What a Joke”…………..
      Who the hell are you to say someone’s opinions are a joke.
      Did you even try to understand the writer??
      I personally don’t like people who criticize others.
      You are allowed your opinion and so is the writer.
      If you don’t agree, say you don’t agree or ask questions like you did in you 4th ”point”
      You make my blood boil with your closed minded comments.
      Dejidope, with all due respect EAT BEANS!!

      0
  13. Damilola
    I really want to know how being in a relationship with a poly person showed all these things about yourself. She could do that because she’s in a poly relationship ? You called her a psychologist remember ?
    0
  14. K. Rukia
    Thanks Tola, I really appreciate the compliment at the beginning :)

    My thoughts on this piece:

    First let me say I agree with what has already been said about the learnings from Tola’s relationship not being exclusive to poly relationships. But I don’t think Tola meant to say that it is not possible for someone to learn what he did in a mono relationship. From the way he told it, it seemed like he was saying that the things he discovered about himself were related to the nature of the relationship; but I think that they were rather a product of Niku’s influence. Basically he met someone whose approach to relationships was extremely open and honest, and that person’s approach was as a result of them being polyamorous.

    I think what people are missing is the connection between Niku being poly and Tola learning so much from the relationship with her. This article is about what HE learned from polyamory. He didn’t set out to pontificate on the advantages of polyamory over monogamy – he just had an experience and he’s sharing what he took from it. Looking at the article from this perspective, I see where he is coming from. Even though what he learned was not necessarily a result of the relationship being polyamorous per se, he learned it from a polyamorous person, and I think ascribing the quality of the relationship to Niku’s poly background is valid.

    What I understand from your article is that Niku brought an openness to the relationship that forced him to be more self aware and to communicate more openly. No-bullshit communication is definitely something that is more common in poly relationships than in mono; simply because a poly couple cannot survive without that kind of communication, but a mono couple can and they do so very often. We all know that many couples sweep a lot of insecurities and fears under the rug while appearing to have a great relationship in public. Little things like constantly checking your partner’s phone or worrying about his hot secretary or pretending to be a cold fish in the sack so he doesn’t think you’re a freak are symptoms of these deep-seated fears that we keep hidden and don’t like to talk about. But these ‘little’ hidden things that mono couples can live with would kill a poly relationship almost immediately; being in poly relationship forces you to be totally open. It becomes second nature. Niku, being an experienced poly person, brought this brutal honesty into her relationship with Tola, and this is why I think Tola is right to credit polyamory with his learning experience.

    2+
    1. SeryxMe
      Probably you missed my comment. Here’s part of what I wrote:

      “Most of the lessons you implied you learnt make it sound as if polyamory made Niku who she is which inadvertently made her help you learn so much.”

      I put it to you that the fact Niku is poly-whatever is just a part of who she is, like many people advocate on here that there’s more than one part to a person. Let me tell you why I think Tola learnt so much while thinking it was poly that made it possible.

      First, Niku is a psychologist and a linguist. Communication the right way is right up her alley. I’m sure Tola hasn’t dated one of those yet to know that poly makes one different from the other. Second, she’s highly intelligent, meaning very high ranking in Tola’s most preferred quality in a lady (even the highest ranked so far) with the added bonus of being a real hottie! I’m sure being poly added to none of these (unless someone can prove otherwise). This second point led Tola to feelings that he’s never really had for anyone prior. Love does things to you. You discover a different aspect of yourself you never thought about before. You actually start giving a sh*t.

      As an example, I’ve always told my friend that a lady cheating on me is the worst thing I couldn’t possibly forgive. It’s so bad that I said if we were married, i’d separate from her if we don’t divorce. In comes love in a one year+ relationship and she cheated. Didn’t catch her red-handed first time but she confessed to going to sleep over at the guy’s place. And here I was thinking “well, she told me about it, that has to count for something.” Even when we eventually broke up and she went to date someone else she was also cheating with while we were dating, I found myself saying if we ever had the chance to get back together, i’d take her back. Now, I’ve been trying to determine if cheating can be that bad for me to ever end a relationship or not.

      Point is, Tola most likely learnt a lot, not because of the fact that Niku was poly, but because of who she is. I put it to you that if Niku had being mono, gay or whatever and agreed to date Tola, he would have learnt most of these lessons right here. And if the poly person Tola dated hadn’t been Niku (as intelligent, as hot), he most likely may not have been bothered so much to even care about whatever openness or communication they may be yapping about.

      6+
      1. K. Rukia
        I think you make a fair point and I totally understand your interpretation of the writer’s experience, but this is not a science that we can prove or disprove. Seeing as it’s a very personal piece I have chosen to see things from the point of view of the writer, rather than tell them that they have misinterpreted their own feelings. Let’s just agree to disagree.

        I feel I have to point out that you kinda spoiled your comment with the last sentence: “…he most likely may not have been bothered so much to even care about whatever openness or communication they may be yapping about.”
        Why ‘yapping’? I think this was condescending and unnecessary.

        1+
        1. SeryxMe
          I’m really, really sorry about that. Not my intention. Reason I don’t comment often, especially on posts I have very differing points of view is because most times after I write my thoughts, I see too much emotions in them and eventually delete. I hate to try to pass across a message and it’s misunderstood because of the manner of expression.

          I’m glad you understand the point I’m trying to make and maybe the higher objective here for me is to let the writer really think from a different angle the real reason why he learnt those lessons. To me, it’s quite obvious he’s looking at it from your angle.

          0
          1. SeryxMe
            Tola, I fully understand and respect the fact that it is your personal experience but you did try to make some general assumptions mostly tending towards making it seem like monogamy may not be as good as polyamory afterall. When you try to draw such inferences then you invite direct criticism to them. Like I said, I think you have viewed your experience from a particular lens and I think what the comments here should provide you with are different lenses to view what you said you’ve learnt. Maybe polyamory isn’t responsible for the lessons you learnt afterall.
            5+
  15. fissy
    this poly thing is just hard I swear. having to love one person with all their madness is tasking enough plus I love complicated and stubborn guys. weird. makes the relationship more fun. having like 3 crazy dudes or more thar I have to fight with, make happy and still have time for myself is practically impossible in this Lagos where people die from the stress of work alone. well to each his own though. I’ll rather have friends that I can talk to when the need arises without feeling guilty.
    2+
  16. codeGirl
    Don’t hate me!

    Polyamory appears to be a perfectly coined fancy word to legitimise promiscuity. It says surround yourself with as many partners that are game and voila, we have a new group of special humans crying “I was born this way” but that’s fine, no judging here…atleast nobody gets hurt.

    Polyamorous people want to believe that they are emotionally evolved to handle multiple partners, but here’s the real deal underneath it all, they are simply expressing a degree of emotional weakness- almost like a cry for help…but nobody has the right to judge on that basis. You constantly seek out more partners to be emotionally dependent on because you lack emotional security which means that you thrive on emotional validation from as many partners as possible.

    A perfect solution it would appear, but what is the plan for sustenance? Sure you can’t plan on having the same multiple partners in your life forever because it’s in your nature to want more. So you’re left craving stability where you have set the stage for solitude.

    The big Q remains the big S-
    ?? Sustainability ??

    11+
    1. DEJIDOPE
      Totally agree with this, they feel been in a relationship with many people will make them feel loved, feel whole, they were probably not loved very much growing up, so this is their way of making u for it, it is actually quite sad.
      1+
      1. Omotola Ajibade Post author
        That’s also quite false. Why do you assume that someone must have had a tumultuous childhood in order to pursue a polyamorous life? What evidence do you have for making such a claim? I can understand you saying that you’re viscerally opposed to it for reasons you may or may not be able to articulate, but don’t make generalizations about people you’ve never met.
        1+
  17. Kierkedaark
    I’m not polyamorous, either. I’m also trying to make some sense of it.
    Going by what I can remember from Rukia’s post and this one, Polyamorous people talk to each other about everything. They also seem to have this ability to super-compartmentalize. They make it work. For mortals like you and me, this seems very strange. I don’t know how they do it. One woman has always been almost more than I can handle.

    But this issue of selecting who to tell what isn’t really a big one, in my opinion. We’ve all had such moments. Your siblings know something your parents don’t, you and your dad don’t let your mum know something, or you don’t tell your boyfriend about some guy you met but tell your friends, etc. I think this principle applies to the relationship(s) in a slightly different scope. All the partners have roles they play. If anyone of them is jealous, then they obviously aren’t suited for polyamory.

    I think.

    0
  18. Don Flowers
    With the greatest respect to Tola, this post failed, and woefully too, in achieving it’s set objective. The whole thing was grabbing at straws, trying to drum up support for an otherwise almost reprehensible idea.

    I think an earlier commenter used the appropriate word, being ‘promiscuity’. This idea is attractive to folks who just want to sleep around and those with an unassailable emotional baggage that they require validation at each point.

    Rukia’s article was thought provoking and raised a lot of question but this reeks of someone waking up to realize that the lady he loves sleeps with others and having previously accepted it, he cannot now ask for exclusivity. If he is honest with himself, Tola will admit this.

    And by the way, you can’t both still be friends. It’s not possible. I repeat, ADIRO POSSIBLE!!!

    If you infact loved her and she had feelings for you, you both can’t breakup and still be platonic friends. Either one party will be pinning for the other, to the annoyance of that other or you guys will end up in the sack more often than not as it is even okay in the open/poly relationship she practices.

    I adopt all the views of those days commented before me with respect to get ‘things’ allegedly learned. I say allegedly because the main issues of hurt which he learned in the relationship was not stated here, the pain of having to breakup, the pain of not being able to tell his family about the girl he loved, the fact of who initiated the breakup. This whole article tried to paint polyamorous relationship as the uhuru the dude has been looking for without so much as showing a single benefit the writer derived from the relationship which he would not ordinarily have derived from a monogamous relationship.

    In fact, I make bold to say that the super awesome Niku might have been even more super awesome if she concentrated all her affection on Tola.

    More importantly, it is even possible that Niku ain’t as awesome as she has been pointed out to be. This is because this tale was told by someone who is madly in love with her and was unable to tame her. As far as he is concerned, she is a goddess who can do no wrong and as such, his estimation of her cannot be accepted as true.

    4+
  19. woyi_oc
    And the debates continue.

    Man, some of y’all sound the way i did when i first discovered that there were men who had sex with other men. =)) trying to get into the persons head and figuring out WHY?????

    Honestly I have read a number of scientific studies and blogs on relationship psychology so this whole desire for more than one partner issue is something i understand and can even explain. But i wont go into that lest i be accused of scientifically legitimizing cheating.

    One thing I can say, at least about the legitimate desire to want to be in committed relationships with more than one person in the same period of time,…well, I do know it’s possible. How do I know…? Well ,

    exhibit A: http://thenakedconvos.com/why-i-cheated/

    In the post, the guy, from what i read, is legitimately attracted to both women and he’s basically seeing both of them at the same time BUT HE HASN’T HAD SEX WITH EITHER. At least that’s what he said.
    I’ve also been in a situation where a girl seemed sooooooooooo into me, even made the first move on the kiss front oh. Then I ask her out and she says she’s already dating someone else and that she’s sorry. “I really like you. I always have but…” blah blah blah. Other’s have very close, emotionally intimate “friendships” with people while dating another.
    “Playboys/fcuk boys/ Yoruba demons” of some epic caliber have more than one babe and the babes know they aren’t in a monogamous relationship…some even intro the babes to each other and things still work out.

    I mean, there’s things like open marriages, polygamy (both one man many women…or one woman many men)…all these things exist, yet there’s this “0_0 WTF” vibe in comments about the topic. I kinda find that surprising. (Or maybe I’m misunderstanding peoples gripe about the topic in the comments i read..)

    Ah well….

    2+
    1. SeryxMe
      Lol! You need to read through the comments again and probably the initial post that spawned this. Most people are not awed by the fact that polyamory exists. In a world where people already change from one gender to another, polyamory is like someone lightly tapping you on the back. But that doesn’t mean some of us don’t still find it weird and inappropriate, which is actually the bone of contention. We agree it exists, people do it, but is it appropriate? That is where many comments are looking at it the issue from.

      Personally, for those of us who feel there are moral standards (of course, you can no longer talk about that in the general sense anymore), I think these various “inappropriate” ideas come out of not wanting to try and “be better”. Moral standards are supposed to tell you the right thing to do but they don’t prevent you from doing the wrong thing, or even from thinking of doing it. But they let you know you’ve made a mistake, or you’re about to make one, so you can turn back, fight the temptation and “be better”. But these ideas circumvent that process of getting yourself to “be better” by telling you whatever you’re doing, or about to do, is not really wrong, but it’s just another way of doing things and that’s fine. And by the time you get enough people who feel the same way, then you’re justified. For me, it’s just a lazy way out of the situation. Life is not a bed of roses for anyone. That’s what it is. It’s not easy to feel all these emotions, it’s not easy to not get attracted to another person, it’s not really easy to do anything worthwhile in this life. But heck, you’ve got to try. We can find a way to circumvent almost any situation, but is that going to always be the solution. Because I have a strong urge to do something and I just think I can’t control it, does not mean I was created that way to do that thing. It often means that urge is something I have to fight to stop. But that is if I have a moral standard I live by which says that thing is wrong.

      But in the end, all these things only exist in the head of some of us. The reality on ground now is that you cannot judge other people by the standards you live by, so the best you can hope for is that they somehow see reason with you, or you with them.

      1+
  20. Deji Burner
    This is my first time leaving a comment on TNC.

    I have been in two poly-amorous relationships in the past. The first one was with two girls who were friends of mine that i actually thought were exclusive lesbians until i found out they had been planning for my life for while. One of the happiest years of my life though. There was no jealousy and to be frank, it was one of those times in my life where i did not feel the need to lie about anything since we were all open with each other. I have never been a jealous guy and well, we were all open minded. We did not even break up sef. Long distance kini just happened.

    The second one happened when i had two girls i had been sleeping with and i introduced them to each other. One thing led to another. Opin Cinema.

    0
  21. Kwiksie

    It helps us to be more open. We’re more honest. Don’t hide things under the rug. Share our feelings unrestrainedly. Compartmentalize. Are way more mature for the most part. Might be the solution to emotional frustration and discontentment in romantic relationships.

    Wow.

    I want to write an epistle. My fingers and heart and brain are all itching to. But I have a torrent of other things to address so I’ll try to keep the words few. If i can.

    We humans are default mode, selfish and sometimes borderline narcissistic. This translates in our greed and lust for whatever seems to momentarily satiate our limitless appetite for self-pleasing. It is only in the arrogance of mankind that you will find the products trying to tell the manufacturer exactly how His product should be used. It weakens me. Literally. Everything is a choice. Every.Single.Thing! Nobody ‘makes’ me angry, I choose to be. Nobody ‘makes’ me aggressive and violent, I choose to be. They didn’t ‘make’ me become a lying, thieving manipulator. I-chose-to-be.

    Meaning? If you’re lying and being dishonest and unfaithful and cheating on someone who sincerely cares for you (or not) and refusing to curb your long throat and keep your urges in check and chasing after every sexual/emotional whim that blows your way? Guess what? You chose to be selfish. You chose to be a liar. You chose to be too irresponsible to acknowledge the fact that someone just as human with just as many hormones and feel catching abilities as you have, has made a deliberate effort to make all that secondary to you. Don’t make it seem like the nature of a situation is what defines us. Or should define us. Uh-uh. Being monogamous does not have to make you more prone to being dishonest and secretive and immature. Neither does polyamory have to be your excuse to be an honest, sincere, mature and open individual. You should choose to stand for something regardless of whether the situation is conducive or supportive of that stance or not. If i squeeze a tube of Colgate I don’t expect Titus sardine to pour out. It’s what you’ve put in that will come out. If all you feed your mind with are thoughts on how impossible it is to be dedicated and committed to one person – based on the fact that you happen to develop interest in and fondness for others very easily – then that’s what you will live. Your brain is too powerful. If you’ve convinced it you can’t, then you won’t.

    Certainly, you don’t have to return the favor when you’re offered a heart. That’s why you can turn down the offer for the relationship. But searching with a magnifying glass for acceptance of a behavior so self-centered is what I find most saddening. Everyone struggles. Why are we making struggling with things such a bad thing? Is it not more beautiful to know that someone could have indulged in some action that would pleasure them for however long, but for the sole reason that it could hurt you (and displease God), they decided to forego that indulgence? Isn’t that the beauty in sacrifice? Hel-lo?!

    Is that concept even a reasonable one to proponents of this lifestyle? Does it make sense to sacrifice anything at all, or do we just come up with more reasons why we ‘deserve’ to get whatever satisfies us per time? Is there ever a bigger picture or are we getting blinded in the myopic frame of ‘happiness’s’ pursuit?

    I agree with and have liked several comments before this. Folks have asked several pertinent questions – from Rukia’s post to this one – that I have noticed have either been ignored, taken out of context or responded to with other (sometimes off-point) questions. You need to understand that nobody (at least not me) is trying to force you into decency, responsibility or whatever else you’ve assumed is the agenda for some disagreeing parties. For crying out loud, nearly the lot of you don’t have your pictures up so it’s hardly likely i see you on the road and begin a sermon. But with all the talk of honesty being thrown around, it would be nice if we all tried to return the favor to ourselves after shedding it abroad. No? I don’t have any issue with folks saying they don’t want to feel tied down to one person and are to busy ‘younging’ to take on the massive task of being responsible for their actions in relation to another individual with whom they share intimate bonds. I don’t have any issue with someone admitting they have grown to worship sex and need it at frequent intervals with a little (or a lot of) variety thrown in. I have no problem with folks admitting that to them atm, life is just one big ‘jangolova’ and they want to play and experiment and – iono — ‘YOLO’ with the time they assume is theirs to experiment with, or whatever. That’s being honest. We can work with that. The issue is, if we don’t call something sin then we walk as if there’s nothing to repent for.

    And before someone takes me up on it, yes I am talking about relationships that integrate sexual intimacy outside the specified context for which God made it.

    I’ll state now that I am fully aware that not everyone is a follower of Jesus Christ. Yeah, that’s kind of the point of truth actually – you gotta have folks who’ve been lied to right? Tor, even half of those who claim to be believers sometimes are just dodging being dubbed babalawo or hinduist or something. I get. But then, considering the fact that being in love with JC defines me, it should come as no surprise that I go all out to rep. Him and seek to share the utter beauty of being in sync with Him to people He loves every bit as much as He does me. It’s that simple. So you my not give two hoots about Him or His will, but that won’t change my conviction that you need to. That said, polyamory, just like many other concepts and belief systems that have run wild in this generation, is yet another invention of man to validate and justify utter and uncompromising rebellion to God.

    Lol, you don’t have to agree fam, it is what it is,

    I want. I think I need. I get. This is all about me remember? But because deep down I know this is just me trying to blossom in poisoned soil, I’m going to look for more flowers in soil like mine, so we can all convince ourselves we’re blossoming together. Forget what He thinks. Forget what He wants. God either doesn’t exist, doesn’t get it, or will probably understand and pardon the lot of us later. Right? We think this glorification of indiscipline, unfaithfulness, and a lack of self-control is maturity? Do we really believe that? Do we really think the person who made us and supplies us with the oxygen per milli-second that keeps the brains we use to conjure up all these ideas that defy and dishonor Him functioning, is clueless of the size of the feels catching facility He embedded in us? News flash, the hormones, the urges, the feels – all His design. But so are self-control, compassion, and purity. He has the copyright on sex too, if y’all didn’t know. So uhm, trying to redefine it or take its use out of context makes us guilty of idea and product theft and counterfeiting to be honest.

    There’s more to life than how we feel per time. I’m yet to meet someone who crushes as rapidly and unrestrainedly as I do. If you crushed the way I do, you’d live in perpetual exhaustion. Sometimes I wonder what I’d do if all the guys I liked per time suddenly all asked me out at a go. Lol. Flattering much eh? But tbh I would accept neither until I’d gotten to know each beyond the superfluous; getting to understand the individuals, see if we share synchronized philosophies and a sold-out stance for Jesus, amongst others. But even with all that, I have the advantage of relying on the leading of my heavenly Father so I don’t pick someone who turns out to be a miss. Many folks don’t, which is partly why some of us feel this need to grope with our mega thick blindfolds on until we’ve gotten so used to being lost we think our blindness is sight. Love is a choice – contrary to the pictures we paint and the ones the media helps us frame. It’s not feelings, It’s not urges, it’s not affection, emotional and intellectual connections, or sex. Those things can be components, but they are not ‘it’. Don’t get it twisted.

    So in as much as there are several beautiful relationships that have existed and grow still, between persons who are yet to connect to the embodiment of love Himself (Jesus, if you didn’t guess), truth is there is an incomparable difference in your love story when you let the God who is love, write your plot, be your set, select the cast, and direct the scenes. Your story would be one splendid epic…if you let Him.

    It’s your call. Much love…<3
    And forgive me please, I guess I wrote my epistle after all. #facepalm.

    5+
    1. woyi_oc
      “If i squeeze a tube of Colgate I don’t expect Titus sardine to pour out.”
      Is this line trademark ed and copyright protected? If not, I’m taking it!

      Also, I totally get where you’re coming from. No ifs or buts, especially since you say you rep J.C.

      “News flash, the hormones, the urges, the feels – all His design. But so are self-control, compassion, and purity. He has the copyright on sex too, if y’all didn’t know. So uhm, trying to redefine it or take its use out of context makes us guilty of idea and product theft and counterfeiting to be honest.”

      My dad would have, so, loved to have you around during our devotions/gist. Yes with him devotion and gist were almost NEVER mutually exclusive.

      1+
      1. Kwiksie
        Hahaha!
        Have fun with the colgate and titus friend. We can share it. #wink
        Thank you for getting that I’m just doing my job – one i love alot too.
        I appreciate your kind remark(s) – i bet devotion/gist sessions at your home are a blast. At least from the sound of things. ;)
        xx
        0
        1. woyi_oc
          #WinkBack

          But man…now that I’m looking at the length of that comment….I’m surprised i actually read all that. =))
          Here I always thought I was too lazy to read long comments.

          0
  22. *kira_writes*
    Did you ever meet this other individual?
    If you did how was it?
    if u didn’t, how do you think it would have turned out?
    I don’t recall you saying anything about sexual relations while in the relationship, but if there were sessions where u went n bareback where u concerned about STI? If she got pregnant who would claim the baby? lool did you give her head? lol did she go raw with the other guy ( might as well have a 3sum)

    But on a serious, isn’t this poly-thing just a sugar coated, more polite way of saying side nigga/chick? or is there a difference.

    0
    1. woyi_oc
      My guess is the difference between the poly and side chick philosophy is….
      Basically there is no MAIN OR SIDE…and the people involved know they are not the only ones dating a particular individual and accept the terms and conditions that follow such an arrangement.
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