Poster Colour Sunset

Fiction

Memories of her flood my brain, some from the time we spent together but even more from the time after. There were a lot of things I didn’t know about her until we broke up, like how she had a lopsided gait when she wasn’t wearing heels as if her left leg was shorter than her right. I guess I make a better stalker than boyfriend.

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We are all born without defenses, but as time passes, we either learn to dig moats and build walls or fall to life’s incessant sieging. I guess it’s kind of like emotional evolution, only the hard survive. I have always been proud of my emotional scars, they make me feel- rightly or wrongly- like I am Robocop and nothing could ever hurt me.

I see her every day with him, the other guy, but I don’t care, that’s not why I do this, really, am just curious and there’s nothing wrong with curiosity, in fact scientists believe curiosity is a sign of a heightened intellect, or if they don’t, they should, because it really is, believe me, I wouldn’t lie to you. They are having lunch together at one of those pretentious restaurants I had always refused to take her to. Why pay so much for expensive food that tastes just like the cheap food you get elsewhere. She shines the full beam of her dimpled smile at him, the other guy. She always did have a pretty smile, the kind that’s get your nerves tingling, like a poster color sunrise.

I don’t know what I am feeling, that’s why I watch. I am not doing anything wrong, I might be a creep but am not a stalker, or am i? what does it even matter, she doesn’t even know am here.

“Would you like to order now sir” the silver haired waiter says appearing suddenly at my side, his fish mouth set in a pout of disdain and determination.

“Just another water would be fine thank you”

I feel like apologizing, I have always hated disappointing men old enough to be my father. I want to say I am sorry sir, but I can’t eat, I haven’t eaten all week since she left me. I am starting to feel empty, like a ghoul. Perhaps that’s why I am doing this, isn’t this what ghoul’s do, haunt people. Mr. waiter man, I am sure your gruff judgmental exterior hides a kind man with the soul of a poet, answer me this, why does she get to decide, why does it take two people to start a relationship but only one person to end it, what if I refuse to be broken up with.

No one can hurt me, so why do I feel like this, stretched like rubber pulled out of shape. Everything seems muffled, as if coming from a great distance. Why can’t I see colors, why is everything so gray and dull.

The waiter walks away to get my water and I turn back to her table but she’s not there. She must have left, slipped away from me again. I look at the couples around me, wondering what their stories are. In a different world where it’s okay to be alone, where you’re not expected to fall in love, or at the very least pretend to it, would anyone even bother. I want to stand on my table and scream at them, you can’t save each other, you can’t save yourselves, what’s the point, WHAT’S THE POINT. I think the only reason I don’t do it is because I don’t want my waiter to get mad.

I had let my guard down with her. A part of me had begun to hope that perhaps she would save me. That’s a huge burden to put on anyone. I think that, more than anything else is why she left me.

“Why have you been following me” she says her huge eyes suddenly looming in front of me.

My heart races, am not sure whether from fear or excitement.

“I thought you left”

“I had to get Tunde away, if he saw you he would have kicked your pathetic stalker ass” she replied plunking her pert non-pathetic tushi on the chair opposite mine.

“You never did have much faith in my pugilistic abilities.” I reply

Why does this feel so good, if I never cared that she left, why does this feel so right, why can’t she feel it too. That weird emotion that has been shadowing me for the past week deepens. It’s like a heightened sense of doom, like I am trapped in a room watching the floor open beneath me.

“I didn’t think you loved me, why are you refusing to let me go”

“Perhaps I do love you, am not sure. One would assume that love would never be confusing, maybe what I love is the feeling of loving you.” I reply wishing that the waiter would come back so I could stop babbling like I had just been caught by my mother masturbating to midget porn.

I had thought about this moment, I had thought about it a whole lot, us talking and me being cool and unaffected. Why can’t I be cool now.

She places her hands on mine and gives me a kindly nurse to terminal patient look. She says, “I loved you, I loved you very much, but I could never love you as much as you hated yourself.”

What the hell does one say to that,

“I never did deserve you, I have never met a guy who does, especially him, the other guy”

“His name is Tunde”

“Yeah yeah Abegunde, whatever, what am saying is you’re too good for all the guys out there, you should be a lesbian”

There’s that smile I know and love, the postercolor sunrise and this time it’s all for me.

” Stop following me” she says still smiling as she walks away.

I have always been so proud of my aloneness, always been at peace behind my walls of hard won self-sufficiency. So how did I end up here, I am hurt, I am sad, I am angry, I miss her and I want her back. That’s what I feel, that’s what I have been feeling, the echoes of unshed tears. Where do I go from here, how do I make it stop, how do I make the pain stop.

Memories of her flood my brain, some from the time we spent together but even more from the time after. There were a lot of things I didn’t know about her until we broke up, like how she had a lopsided gait when she wasn’t wearing heels as if her left leg was shorter than her right. I guess I make a better stalker than boyfriend.

The waiter finally returns still looking like he just sucked down a bagful of oysters that disagreed with him, the huge tip I left him didn’t seem to improve his disposition. The sun is starting to set as I walk out, I watch the sun slowly disappear behind a bruise colored cloud. I realize I can see colours again. The night is beautiful- quiet and sad- but still beautiful. The world seems a little louder and fuller than it had all week, and for some reason, I feel like smiling.

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