Rounds Week 11: On Ali’s Uniform, Apostle’s Side Chicks, Texas Bills, Fanta And Vitamin C, and more…

Opinion

NEW: Episode 8 of Our Best Friend’s Wedding – #PayDay – https://t.co/0SaMnQfjay Please watch, share and comment. #OBFW pic.twitter.com/3HUd9QHUg8 — The Naked Convos (@TheNakedConvos) March 16, 2017 The Headlines The Apostu And The Orobo The gospel from a manofgor’s side piece *Alleged…side piece. Much Ado About Uniform When the uniform makes the man. Nigerian Politics…

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Good morning people!

This is Sirkastiq.

And I’m Terdoo.

It’s a beautiful Sunday, isn’t it?

Well, that Drake album finally dropped. So I have to agree.

Wait wait. You people have watched OBFW right?

You know we are gonna talk about it every week until the season ends.

Go check out the last episode here…

Man, women can be really crazy, you know.

Right. There are no other options though. We still have to marry them.

LMAO! You would know.

LMAOOO!

Today, as is the custom, we have the five most interesting articles we found this week.

LOL! You know what? Let us begin.

These are…

The Headlines

The Apostu And The Orobo

The gospel from a manofgor’s side piece

*Alleged…side piece.

Much Ado About Uniform

When the uniform makes the man.

Nigerian Politics 101.

Nafdac Says Drink Fanta, Sprite With Vitamin C And Die!!!

Or Banana and egg.

Other absurd combinations inside…

Texas Bill Would Fine Men $100 Each Time They Masturbate

Hear that? Pay to touch yourself.

Premium self love.

Sierra Leone Pastor Finds 706-Carat Diamond

Submits it.

Selfless Africans still exist.


THE APOSTU AND THE OROBO

You should be aware of the ongoing allegations dropped by Stephanie Orobo that she…

Otobo.

Huh?

Otobo. Her name is Otobo not Orobo.

Fam, the first two letters of the surname aren’t the crux of this matter.

I agree, but this entire situation is based on the last three.

You’re right. Based on it like Davido’s moniker.

Based on it like a Yoruba private part.

Baddest!

Summarizing, Stephanie has accused the G.O of Omega Fire Ministries Apostle Johnson Suleiman of basically using and dumping her, impregnating her, spiking her drink which led to losing the child

…and then eventually promising (and failing) to marry her.

Worst!

This comes a month or so after the manofgor came out to ask Christians to fight for their lives nshit.

So Stephanie released some pictures of herself and the Apostu facetiming or sum’n, got thrown in jail for 6 days, came out, attended press conferences and has been telling all who care to listen that the Apostu wants a threesome.

PSA people…

As per, you know he’s a tripartite being and serves a tripartite god, so what’s wrong with a tripartite sexual situation?

Steph too childish.

Steph so boring.

Steph, no sauce.

Steph curry?

Oh gosh!

She really came through with the allegations, you know. Claiming she has dick pictures, and plane ticket stubs that match his conferences in foreign countries, and all.

Apostu really be getting his freak on. Right before a conference.

Explains all the nonsense he keeps saying on the pulpit.

The updates yeah, the apostu has claimed she’s a blackmailer from his detractors who wanna pull him down by all means.

And he won’t be caught pants down.

Not again.

The apostu further said his enemies should do better as Stephanie isn’t standard, premium chops.
Premium or nah?

You decide. Premium or nah?

And people were screaming. Lord…

I don’t know if he’s encouraging them.

Homie just wants some hot, elite ob..

Don’t do it.

Baddest!

We’ll keep watching as we don’t want to miss the part where she leaks more info.

Or gets struck by lightning for lying on the manofgor.

Something tells me that’s not what she was doing. I think he prefers doggy.

You’re right, I bet he makes her say “Get thee behind me” during foreplay.

*sigh* Who are you please?

What? You can’t recognize me again because I’m not in uniform??

LMAO!! Speaking of…

MUCH ADO ABOUT UNIFORM

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE!!

First, watch this blockbuster trailer…

The Customs Comptroller-General, Ibrahim Ali, enters the NASS without his uniform.

OMG! Whatever are we going to do??

Smh. These people are so dramatic.

Read: Petty.

Okay so for those of you who don’t already know, it all started with them policies the Customs people were trying to put in place to make life even more difficult than it already is for motor users.

Those people will impound your vehicle. For crimes that their own people committed… i.e. not following due process when getting the vehicles into the country.

It’s not like we’re making our own E Class oh.

Innoson motors, shout out to you though. Their new tagline should be “Buy Innoson, so Customs won’t disturb you.”

Innocent Chukwuma come and pay for advert space oh!

Anyway, this is the crux of the gist: the Comptroller General of Customs was invited by the Senate to ‘show up so we can discuss some of these your policies sah’. And they had resolved to issue a warrant for his arrest if he didn’t show up.

Initially he said he was bereaved and shunned them.

Like a boss. Doing boss shit. No toilet paper. Just money.

Smh. Idiot.

But when he heard arrest, his eye cleared and he un-bereaved himself…

LOL! Of course he showed up.

But as far as the Senate was concerned, he didn’t show up as Comptroller General. Because he didn’t show up in his uniform, they couldn’t recognize him. Didn’t matter that he brought that Abuja big boy swag with him instead…
Swag Daddy Ali (right)

Swag Daddy Ali (right)

When asked why he wasn’t dressed in full regalia, he informed them that the last letter they sent didn’t state that he be in uniform.

And he was right. It didn’t.

But the last letter they sent was just a reminder for the summons. The initial letter expressly stated that he be in uniform.

When asked why he doesn’t like to ‘on uniform sah’, he replied that there is no law stating that he wear his uniform.

Did we or did we not state that these people were petty?

They have left the policy matter now and they’re talking about uniform.

Much ado about clot.

So after they spent about 40 minutes roasting him…

I mean even his own people chimed in on the bashing. Bringing out wicked comebacks from the constitution.

Who would have thunk it? That they could be so particular and so touchy about such a trivial subject but when it comes to important life issues such as child marriage they become onlookers…
"Mmm…I see your point"

“Mmm…I don’t see your point”

At the end of the day they have asked Ali to return on Wednesday, 22nd of March, at 10:00 am prompt in full regalia or he just might be arrested again.

*sigh* This country and the people in it though.

Always going off point.

Ah, speaking of..

NAFDAC says drink Fanta, Sprite with Vitamin C and DIE!!!

Yup method #1001 way to die. Please update program accordingly.

There’s so much that needs to be updated. I hear if you eat banana and egg, you’ll successfully reduce your years on earth to one hour.

Also, it’s common knowledge you shouldn’t eat beans and mango except of course, you’ve already picked out your burial outfit.

So this Fanta and Vitamin C bants isn’t new(s).

But if you have wasapp and annoying people on your wozop, you probably got the BC too.

Speak on it.

A Lagos High Court has ordered (NAFDAC) to immediately direct the manufacturers of soft drinks; Fanta and Sprite (Nigeria Bottling Company PLC) to include a written warning that the content of the bottles cannot be taken with Vitamin C.

This stems from a suit filed against the NBC and NAFDAC one Dr Emmanuel Fijabi Adebo.

What does Fijabi mean?

Dunno, might be Yoruba for Punjabi.

Sounds like “was birthed via fight”.

LMAOOOO, well, sex could be quite the engagement sport.

Mr Fijabi says he tried to export some NBC products to the UK and they failed certain tests and were thus condemned nshit.

…basically had excessive levels of Benzoic acid which is unsafe for human consumption

…in large quantities, at high temperatures and exposed to flame (that was conveniently excluded from all the BCs tho)

Fam, why you exporting Coke to the Uk tho?

Same reason your aunt travelled with yam that year.

No dawg, they don’t have that local yam in Peckham blud. They however have Coke already.

Word.

So, judgment is passed 9 years later, and the NBC is declared innocent and asked to place a warning on its products.

So Fanta really isn’t safe? I’m in trouble o!

You did not see that they were adjudged innocent ni?

Adebo’s Lawyer urged the court to declare that the Nigeria Bottling Company was negligent and breached the duty of care owed to their valued customers and consumers.

They also urged the court to direct NAFDAC to conduct and carry out routine laboratory tests of all the soft drinks and allied products of the company.

The judge Justice Adedayo Oyebanji then somehow convicted NAFDAC and asked them to pay N2million damages. Hahahaha!

N2 mill too small, why you laughing?

LOL because the lower court has no jurisdiction over a Federal government agency – that should be the work of the Federal high court. The judge has no such powers so the thing is just somehow.

NAFDAC probably looking at the judge like “it’s like this one is mad??”

Judge looking right now like “what was I really smoking?”

Fijabi looking like “wait! They did not pay me money?”

So, will you die if you drink Fanta/Sprite with Vitamin C?

*swallows banana and egg*

Selah.

Texas Bill Would Fine Men $100 Each Time They Masturbate

Not sure this will rub off my guy @iamsupervillain the right way.

At all. Might cause a jerk off reaction.

This didn’t happen in Kenya by the way.

They get the week off, but we can almost certainly confirm they’ll be back in the next episode.

So yeah, a Texas lawmaker has proposed a bill that would fine a man $100 each time he masturbates.

For those of you who don’t know, masturbating is the process of giving yourself instant clarity.

Yes, it’s a mentalophysical stimulation that quickens the senses and allows for immediate regaining of sense.

Rep. Jessica Farrar, has long been an advocate of women’s health in a state that has made it extremely difficult for women to get abortions.

The bill is geared at pointing out sexist double standards and is meant to shine a light on the obstacles women deal with when it comes to their health care.

She went further to link masturbation to the illegal abortion of a child.

Yep. They’re exactly the same thing.

You know she has a pointthough. Each time you bust that nut, you kill a potential child.

But doesn’t the sperm need an egg to make a full human?

Is your Indomie any less Indomie because you didn’t add egg? DPMO.

You are right.

I imagine if this happened though, bruhhhh.

First, many porn sites will lose visits. Ain’t no one gonna walk straight into the den of temptation.

Except they have a $100.

Serious shit.

I’d like to know how they would know I’m in my room touching myself.

LMAO! Texas technology is out of this world please.

Please keep such out of Nigeria. We’re stressed and all forms of release are welcum.

Sierra Leone Pastor Finds 706-Carat Diamond

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Image Credit: aljazeera.com

Huddle up niggas, huddle up.

We’re about to take a lesson in selflessness.

You see, Bruno Mars has been singing about 24 Carat Magic all this while and we thought that was the goal.

But now we heard that a pastor practically found 30 of those albums buried in some backyard.

Meet Pastor Emmanuel Momoh. He’s an artisanal miner. What that means is he doesn’t have fancy digging tools for mining. He uses basic tools and bare hands to look for diamonds.

And he found one…that’s 706 Carats.

I’m not sure you people understand. That’s gotta be like the 15th largest diamond in the world when ranked. That thing could have made him richer than his entire country!

He could be president wth that kind of money.

Instead, he submitted it to the president…

Damn! He’s a better man than me.

Man, if your guy finds your girl in the middle of the desert, there’s no telling what might happen.

This man found gold, that didn’t belong to anyone and still returned it to the government.

The 706 carat piece of art was given to President Ernest Bai Koroma.

“I have to help the government and my people, so all of us can benefit,”

  • Pastor Emmanuel

Really a much better man than most of us, to be honest.

The question we all have to ask now is what is the government going to do with all that money??

According to the statement made…

“The diamond will be sold in Sierra Leone with a “transparent” bidding process to the benefit of the community and country”

  • President Koroma

595d5838-31bf-421c-8645-fd5e1726d08b

Ahem. Yes. But what exactly are you using the money for?

He’s an African leader. Let’s not expect too much, okay?

Right.

This Diamonds-From-Sierra-Leone thing has caused several issues over the past decades. It even fuelled the civil war they had and inspired one of the greatest rap songs ever.

And with all those diamonds, the country is still ranked amongst the poorest nations in the world.

Yeah, lets hope Pastor Emmanuel’s discovery changes things.

I wouldn’t hold my breath though.

Morals

And with that, we come to the end of the segment. You know, the most bittersweet part of every episode.

We’re about to leave you. But not before we drop them gems we brought your way through the course of this edition.

We started off with the gospel according to Apostle Suleman.

Ah, that one. We learnt that if you’re gonna accuse a man of God, it has to be with premium chops.

Can’t just bring no pink haired woman to accuse him. Even if what she’s saying is true, and she has all the proof in the world.

Yeah, all that stuff is irrelevant. Afterall, he’s a manofgor. He cannot lie on the altar.

Right?

Right.

Next we learnt that the uniform makes the man. And the man doesn’t make the uniform.

Yeah, he hires a tailor for that shit.

They’re called Fashion Designers now.

We’ll definitely be sure to bring you the update (if anything interesting develops) on this Ali in uniform matter.

Priorities, people. Do we have them?

I think it’s time this generation of Nigerians took matters into our own hands instead of leaving things to our forefathers.

Our fathers are unfit to lead this country. No lie here. Pass the bill. Anyone above 40 shouldn’t take any political seat. Politics in Nigeria is a joke. Y’all wilding.

Has Buhari recovered yet? At least Goodluck used to go to the gym with his wife.

LMAO! Imagine Buhari on a treadmill. Let’s not. Please…

Next we learnt that mango and Fanta are a deadly combination.

Might as well mix all that shit up, right?? Since everyone is saying their own.

Why anyone will want to drink Fanta AND Vitamin C is still confusing me..

0afd4c27-bfa9-4282-ae21-cb1fc0e50d1a

WHY ARE YOU EATING BANANA WITH EGG PLEASE!!??

*sigh*

Next we learnt that you have to be rich to tae matters into your own hands…

This applies everywhere in the world. But especially in Texas.

You need a $100 bill to get some.

From your damn self…

It is literally cheaper to get a prostitute.

Wow Texas. Wow…

And last but not least, we learnt a lesson in selflessness…

Really? All I learnt is that I need to be an African political leader. So some religious man can bring the entire country’s 4 year budget and submit it to me.

Bout to turn up for the rest of the year. You know..

And with that, we come to the end of the year.

LOL! Of this post please. We’re in no hurry.

My bad.

Please join us next week for more of this exclusively outlandish shit.

All original content, we promise.

Shade.

See you guys next week yo!

Till then, we wish you peace, love and laughter!

Later people.

Culled from:

  • guardian.ng
  • vanguardngr.com
  • aljazeera.com

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