Good morning people!

Happy Easter everyone!!

It’s been a ridiculous week in Nigeria.

Some weeks there’s little or no news and some you’re caught in a fix trying to pick what stories come up here.

This is one such week.

I mean, it’s been a week of Breaking news, I’ve begun to feel sad for news.

News has been broken so many times I think we need to check on it to make sure its okay.

From discovered loots in Ikoyi houses, to exposed bribes at INEC, fire outbreaks after EFCC visits to Shell revelations, it’s been a lot.

But you know Rounds is here with the summarized gist for you.

Outchea reading the news so you don’t have to.

You’re all welcome.

Let us begin.

Meanwhile, OBFW is done so now we have free advertising space. Hit us up…


The Headlines

Shell

Of Profit Margins and Oil Fields

And Bank transfers…

In Ikoyi

New source of income found.

Prices of whistles skyrocket.

Big Brother

How your daddies continue to disgrace us

One speech at a time…

Janet Jackson featured…

In Hustle, Season 9

Episode 1.

World’s oldest person dies in italy at 117

Haters will say it’s old age.

Haters might be right.


SHELL

Shell bosses indicted over OPL 245 oil field scandal

If you were never sure how corrupt our leaders are and how we are in such a mess economy wise, this should open your eyes.

And then boil your blood.

I watched the video of this report and I felt like cursing out our past leaders.

These guys literally rode on the ignorance of the people and enriched their generations.

Disgusting bastards.

Permit our French, this is a consequence of boiling blood.

For some time now, Shell has been undergoing an international probe for alleged corruption practices and new evidence just popped off.

Like bread off a toaster.

The BBC reports documents that show top Shell executives were aware that more than a billion of the $1.3bn (£1bn) paid to the Nigerian government would be passed on to former petroleum minister, Dan Etete.

Some back story, Etete was then the Minister of Petroleum. Kind of like Diezy and currently, well…Buhari?

By the way, he, Etete, was convicted for money laundering in 2007 in a separate case.

Malabu Oil and Gas – a company owned by Etete had purchased the rights to OPL 245 for a meagre sum of $2m while he was Nigeria’s oil minister between 1995 and 1998. Shell and the Italian oil company ENI acquired OPL 245 in 2011 and the government allegedly paid about $1bn of the total deal amount to Malabu.

Just look at that geometric progression.

Field bought for $2m sold off for about $1.2bn.

The profit is giving me hot headache.

The emails, seen by the BBC show Shell executives were negotiating with Etete for a year before the finalization of the deal.

An email dated March 2010 from a former MI6 officer employed by Shell shows that the company knew Etete would benefit from the deal despite him being convicted in 2007 for money laundering…

Not even here in Nigeria oh. In France.

Another email dated July 2010 showed that Shell executives believed the deal payment would also end up in the pockets of Nigerian politicians as political bribes, including former president Goodluck Jonathan.

“Etete’s negotiating strategy is “clearly an attempt to deliver significant revenues to GLJ [Goodluck Jonathan] as part of any transaction”.

A spokesperson for Jonathan termed the allegations as a “false narrative” and told the broadcaster that no charges or indictments have been brought or secured against the former president about the OPL 245 deal.

GEJ be screaming “FAKE NEWS” at the top of his lungs.

Baba, prove your innocence.

I don’t even want any proof; I just want all these old people to just die and leave our country.

This is just ridiculous man. Billions of dollars. Gone. Just like that.

Oh but it got worse.


In some news that hits closer to home, let’s take you to two different parts in Lagos…

It’s kind of like a tale of two extremes

In Ikoyi

The EFCC have (again) recovered the mind-blowing sum of $43.4m and over N20m in a house located in the highbrow area of Ikoyi

If you’re familiar with Ikoyi, you’d know there are lots of unoccupied houses.

We can now officially let you know they aren’t exactly unoccupied…

They might not have human habitation but they are the daily resting place of this thing called cash.

After all, even cash needs a place to lay its head.

Consider that this is just one safe house. There are entire factories and power plants living in some people’s cupboards.

The recovered cash is claimed to ‘belong’ to former NNPC MD – Esther Ogbue.

We can categorically inform you that she is yet to release a statement on this.

Some say though that the house belongs to PDP chieftain Adamu Mu’azu based on the premise that the house belongs to him.

Muazu has however distanced himself from said house.

Literally…

And figuratively.

43 MILLION DOLLARS…chilling inside cumbod.

The guys that counted that shit, how did they sleep that night?

Probably swapped counting sheep with counting dollars.

See guys, before we spiral into depression, we need to move on to another story…

In Otodo Gbame

This isn’t in anyway heart lifting.

While houses in Ikoyi have legal tender occupants, some people in OtodoGbame have just lost their homes.

Fam, this entire Otodo Gbame situation is doing my head in. Like one minute, Ambode is doing so well with his roads and devt of Lagos state, the next minute, he’s rendering thousands homeless, left to drift on the sea.

Sometimes, I think the political godfathers tell him to switch shit up, without him knowing the consequences.

Are you saying he didn’t know what would occur?

Man, I don’t know, but what we do know is thousands of people have been made homeless.

This is in line with the government’s plan to make Lagos a mega city.

Even if you want to make Lagos like Dubai, you have to cater to the poor dammit.

Someone needs to tell Ambode.

One person has so far been confirmed dead with many others exposed to the dangers of the sea.

However, according to the state government, the shanty town is being demolished because it is illegal and a hideout for militants.

So are Ajegunle, Agege, Ogba, Gbagada, Ikeja, Lekki, Ajah, Awoyaya etc. but I don’t see them being demolished.

Sad, if you want to reach out and help the former occupants of OtodoGbame, you can contribute to the GoFundMe account by following this link.


Big Brother

So yes, Big brother Naija is officially over and yeah, Efe emerged winner (as we all knew he would)

Forget that we might have rooted for different people, somehow, we knew Efe had most Nigerians on his side.

Based on Logistics init.

The gap wasn’t here fam, homeboy garnered over half of the entire votes.

So with 26 million votes cast, Efe had about 14 million of those votes.

Which is more than your president had in the 2015 elections.

Efe might as well run for president next.

Congrats to them all though.

Last week, we captured the ridiculous utterances of Zamfara state governor on the meningitis issue.

The week before that, it was Dino Melaye making a mess of himself.

This week, we present to you yet another national figure dumb ass.

Roundabouts say hello to Reuben Abati.

We should create a section for these nitwits tbh.

So Abati, decided he needed to write something on BBNaija.

You can read the rubbish here (if you have the time).

Let’s drop some excerpts.

“The biggest star of the programme was, I don’t know what you think, TBOSS (real name: Tokunbo Idowu), half Nigerian, half-Romanian. She dominated the space with her Jezebelic antics…”

I was like WTF?! Jezebelic what? And what did he base this on?

I say Abati is a wet rag.

How has he become as useful as the ‘k’ in ‘knob’?

“She projected herself as a sex object, the ultimate manipulator, the champion Delilah of the Big Brother Africa series…she had men hitting on her, offering to take her on a ride in their private jets. She played the role of a female barracuda.”

This is somebody’s daddy fooling himself like this.

The guy paid so much attention to Tboss, you can’t tell me it’s normal.

He then spent a whole paragraph analyzing her breasts.

Yup, homie jerks off with her pictures.

Abati probably has her changing room video screenshot for his pleasure.

Disgusting disgrace of a guy.

If Abati is your daddy, please discipline him and raise him rightly.

Let him stop disgracing you outside.


Janet Jackson

So Janet split with her boo of 5 years.

Remember that time we were mentioning her with JD?

I bet she’ll be like…

600de1f1a6c0507ae79bc5ad603e0048_are-you-the-one-too-i-dont-recall-meme_600-315

It’s always funny when they upgrade like that.

Funnier when it’s after that gratuity period hits. HAHA!

For those of us who didn’t know until the fruits ripened, Janet was married to Wissam Al Mana.

Little profile on Al Mana: He runs the Al Mana Group. Hee hee. I mean he’s worth an estimated $1 billion.

This 42 year old rich kid has largely been quite successful at keeping the money in the family.

Then along came Janet.

Janet says she wants a divorce from Al Mana because he’s been pretty controlling since she got pregnant and doesn’t want her stressing on stage.

“She thought he had become too controlling during the pregnancy, and she had already allowed him to dictate her appearance and even the way she performed at concerts,”

  • The Daily Beast.

Which is not what most husbands do. At all…

I mean just cos Jay Z said nothing when Beyoncé was busy doing backflips on stage with his twins inside doesn’t mean he wasn’t worried as fuck.

Right?

Anyway, Janet was entitled to $100 million if the couple stayed married for five years, and another 100  if they had a child.

Well cheque and cheque mate…

Shaping up to be one of the most lucrative divorces in history.

Why won’t you sleep good when you know you have $200mil in the bank?

My baby and me after nap time.

A post shared by Janet Jackson (@janetjackson) on

We are still amazed that she had a baby at 50 but then when you have a billionaire husband you have access to money that believes in miracles.

Selah.


WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES IN ITALY AT 117

Amidst all of the looting and money laundering…

Not to mention all the shameless denial going on…

Not to mention the baby having and divorcing…

People are still dying.

Like…the world’s oldest person.

Well, now former. *sigh*

Why so sad? You really can never hold that title for too long.

True.

I mean when they give it to you it’s like they’re looking at mother nature and yelling “NEXT!”.

SMh. Problem child. But then remember we have stillborns.

“Eyan le ma ku any foken time mayne”

– Contemporary proverb

She’s dead yo. She died at 117.

Haters will say she died of old age.

What happens on earth stays on earth ma nigga.

What does that even mean??

HAHA! I dunno, Kung Fu Kenny was yelling it all over the place in DAMN.

I just tried to picture God playing back your snapchat story from the day you first did cocaine. Let’s see you explain that phrase.

That escalated quickly…

Yeah. Wasn’t his ‘resurrection’ album supposed to drop today? With all those theories people were giving…

We wait…

Abeg let us hear word abeg abeg. We were talking about Emma Monarco.

Yes. She led a very fulfilling life. She was a great woman.

Although the last documented thing about her was her reminiscing about the good ol’ days. She mentioned on her 117th birthday:

“My life wasn’t so nice. I worked in a factory until I was 65 and then that was that”

Damn…Who broke out the violins?

She also recalled how she lost the love of her life in WW1.

HAHA! Damn. This woman was already getting ready to wed by WW1.

His successor wasn’t no guru in the love department though.

“Either you agree to marry me or I will kill you”, he said.

Let nobody claim he isn’t romantic. In a proposal one must ensure one’s partner is aware of the fact that it is a life or death situation. 5 star proposal if you ask me.

Italian equivalent of “If I can’t have you on this campus, no one can.”

She said yes. So it worked. Didn’t it?

Even though the marriage wasn’t very happy. They had a son in 1937, but her baby died six months after.

Isn’t that ironic?

Haters will also say she used the baby as spare batte…

Lets…not even go there.

Well, she did outlive everyone in the family. Obviously. In a country where the life expectancy for females is 85 years. Outlived everybody. Including one of her brothers who lived to be 102.

I bet he thought he had it in for the running. Didn’t know  she had 15 more yards in the bag just jogging along like…

864x486

How did she accomplish this great feat with such a mediocre life?

“When I first knew her she used to eat three eggs a day. Two raw, and one fried. Today she has slowed down a bit, reducing the number to two some days because she says three can be too much,”

her doctor, Carlo Bava, said last year.

HAHA! Carlo Bava is so full of shit omg.

“She has never eaten much fruit or vegetables. Her characteristic is that she always eats the same thing, every day, every week, every month and every year.”

LMAO!!! Please do not adopt this strategy.

They’re always so full of shit when it comes to explaining how someone lived so long. I once heard a man say it was because he took two cigarettes every day and a slice of bacon. He’s still died sha.

LOL!

Wait though. Isn’t it a little awkward that the only survivor of the 19th century had nothing good to say about it?

I sincerely hope we do better.

We hope you have learned a thing or two from this thrilling tale of longevity.

We certainly have…

Speaking of.


MORALS

Today we learnt that when you get in a position of power, use it completely for personal gain.

So you can make profits in excess of your imagination on future deals.

Just…you know, remember that one day wind will still blow.

And then that is all you will be remembered for.

But it’s all good. As long as your generation can eat and be lazy, right?

Right.

Then we learnt that those unoccupied Ikoyi houses are really not empty. Some of them are overflowing with legal tender occupants.

And somehow, they can’t be traced to any one particular person…

But ahem…

Then we learnt that we have a civic duty to call our fathers out when they on some bull..

It is your responsibility to talk to your family members.

Sons, raise your fathers.

Then we learnt that the most lucrative hustle is still marriage.

And you sleep better when you have plenty money in the bank. This is science.

Next we learnt that to live a long healthy life, you have to eat about 2 to 3 eggs every day.

Sounds about right.

And with that we wrap this week’s episode up.

Please tune in next week for more of this gloriously outlandish shit.

Don’t forget to drop a comment. We love those.

Later people!


Culled from:

  • thedailybeast.com
  • pagesix.com
  • news.sitibe.com

Responses

  1. Feyishayo
    Rounds!! On point,as usual but I read this with an empty stomach so I must have missed some puns. Pls let me goan eat first. I’ll be back
    0
  2. Orteri
    Another dose of outlandish sh*t. “Son, raise your fathers”. Got me. Lost all respect I had for Reuben after that piece. Him and Reno fighting to outdo each other in the quest for cheap mentions. Keep up the wit guys.
    0

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