Good morning people.
Hey guys, I’m Sirkastiq.
And I’m Terdoo.
And this week, just like every other week, we bring you what we think are the 5 most important topics in Nigeria and across the globe.
As usual, we at Rounds are not concerned with the rules that cover most news outlets.
Tula has given us complete creative freedom. Ain’t that right?
Instead of you people to get to the news.
This week isn’t like last week though. Last week we were swamped with articles and had debates over which ones would make the final cut.
This week, we had to scrape the bottom of the rung.
We need correspondents, Tula.
What you need to do is get to the headlines. Smh…
*sigh*
LOL! Let us begin.
Before we do, have you seen this?


What do you think?
Not exactly the smartest thing to do knowing that gay marriage is still illegal.
I mean I don’t blame the couple, they’re in love and all.
Who then do you blame?
Well, for starters, those smart friends and family members that didn’t tell them it wasn’t the greatest idea.
That flight ticket money looking real cheap compared to jail time, no?
Lol. Right…

 


The Headlines

War is coming…
Currently being stroked by DT.
Raise your hand if you’re not surprised

Serena Pregnant
That Queen Bey video vixen anointing
Baby already won a grand slam.

Facebook Killer
Just a little peek
Into how sick the world still is.

Europa League Woes
By Man Utd Fans
Calabar Edition.

Gay Baboon Terrorizes
SA Men Forced to cross dress
To avoid getting butt hurt

 


War is coming…

Well, that’s according to a mystic, Horocio Villegas who had accurately predicted Donald Trump’s presidency and the US attack on Syria.
I’m almost certain if I try hard enough, there’s some things I’d accurately predict.
Don’t hurt yourself, predict this: Who is our next president?
I hear you, but can I at least know who the candidates are first?
So your own prediction is based on available resources?
Isn’t that how this shit works?
We’d have to go to the synagogue to find that out.
Nah, not me and you. Not ready to become a feature on Emmanuel TV.
According to Villegas who claims to be the ‘messenger of God,’ nuclear war is just around the corner.
Let’s act like the signs are not already there. These niggas should go predict something more difficult.
Like when Trump is going to leave the seat?
Villegas says the exact date for this nuclear war is May 13, 2017 – which is the 100th anniversary of the visitation of Our lady of Fatima.
Mark your calendars people! Don’t be planning turn ups and such on the day World war 3 starts.
You must be ready. Wondering now if I should add this to Google or iPhone calendar. Decisions! Decisions!!
The Catholic clairvoyant, who lives in Texas, United States, claims to have predicted that Trump would win the US election back in 2015.
He also reportedly predicted that Trump would become the “illuminati king” who would “bring the world into WW3.”
And just recently, he told the Daily Star: “I had a dream in which I saw balls of fire falling from the sky and hitting the Earth.’
I thought that was written in Revelations already.
So you read the bible?
Plenty things I do son, ask your girl.
You’re rude! Tula can you see what you’re causing my life?
LOOL, well, Villegas is convinced that WW3 will break out on the day ‘Our Lady’ – another name for the Virgin Mary – visited Fatima in Portugal for the first time.
Never trust anything called Fatima; they have a way of blowing things out of proportion.
WOW!
Villegas told the Daily Star:

 

“The main message that people need to know to be prepared is that between May 13th and October 13, 2017, this war will occur and be over with much devastation, shock, and death.”

As if war would come with abundance, turn up and free babes. Baba lock up!
You don’t believe him, do you?
Please, even a blind man can see the world is tending towards nuclear activity soon. I’ve sha marked my calendar.


Serena ‘bout to Pop!

In an era of surprise announcements, we have yet again been hit by another.
This time, not from the Carter’s, but from Serena Williams, the best women’s tennis player of this era.
When you hang out with Beyonce and feature in her videos, there’s the tendency you become like her in more ways than one.
Well, we can categorically tell you that Serena isn’t having twins but she’s PREGNANT af!!!
20 weeks’ pregnant fam.
When I heard the news, I just imagined her fiancé Alexis Ohanian getting in there and I couldn’t help but wonder what their fave position might be.
I doubt it’s cowgirl tho, have you seen her thighs? She’ll probably crush him.
I’m thinking doggy cos like Serena has all that ass and what’s she using it for?
My best guess is missionary. With Serena on top like a tennis tournament.
Yeah you have a point.
Guys…it’s Sunday.
Right right…
Yo! What this means is Serena was like 2 months pregnant when she won her 23rd Grand Slam singles title at the Australian Open on Jan. 28.
Baby already a champion!
These days, babies seem to come born with lots of responsibilities and achievements.
I mean, blame ASAHD; already an executive producer at 3 months.
And then Beyonce’s twins have already performed at major award shows.
What were you doing when you were a baby fam?
Can we not bring us mere mortals into this discussion please?
We wish Serena all the love and stuff as she approaches breaking point.
Deuces.

 


FACEBOOK KILLER

These days, the live feed service provided by social networks seems to be doing more harm than good.
Well, not exactly, however many seem to be misusing the feature uploading all sorts of shenanigans.
During the Easter weekend, a 74-year-old man, Godwin was shot and killed in Cleveland by a seeming psycho Steve Stephens. He streamed the shooting live on facebook for all to see.
In the video and other footage he posted, Stephens talked about losing everything he had to gambling and having trouble with his girlfriend. He said he “just snapped.”
Stephens told Godwin the name of his girlfriend, asked him to say her name, said, “She’s the reason that this is about to happen to you.” And then shot him.
Steve Stephens, 37, taunted cops saying he would keep “killing until they catch me”after he uploaded a Facebook video of the moment he shot dead Robert Godwin Sr, 74, in Cleveland, Ohio.
Damn.
Cant trust anyone with two first names.
LOL! Okay Kelvin Steve…
FOH. What’s amazing is how this guy is a children’s health worker.
Apparently, he snapped cos he broke up with his girlfriend after she might have suspected he was kind of sort of batshit insane.

 



Days after the senseless murder, Stephens was finally apprehended and pursued till he shot himself.
Stephens had stopped at a McDonald’s parking lot in Erie to order a bowl of nuggets and packs of fries, he was however delayed by the attendant who recognized him.
Not all heroes wear capes fam.
She promptly dialled 911, but he sped off before the police arrived
He was chased down the highway where he took his life.
Good riddance if you ask me.
Man, the world is full of psychos fam.
It’s becoming a dangerous place to live in. Please stay safe.
Elon Musk needs to hurry up with commercializing that space bus. So we can leave this planet.

 


Europa League Woes

 

It was a nice Thursday evening.
The match was almost done.
Anderlecht was facing Man Utd at Old Trafford for the second leg of the Quarter final of the Europa league.
Mkhitaryan had already put the ball past the keeper once, and Pogba, Zlatan and Rashford were trying real hard to get on the score sheet.
Eventually, one of those footballers would.
But somewhere in Calabar, the joy of victory was short lived.
In Iyang Esu, of the Calabar Municipal Local Government, a high tension cable decided that the best place to fall was in a viewing centre where men had gathered to enjoy the joys of football.
Shame, really. A man can’t enjoy the pleasures of shared viewing of hi sfavorite sport without getting electrocuted, apparently.
The high tension cable fell in the viewing centre (which contained about 80 people) causing an explosion that killed about 30 people and injured several others.

 

“It was a horrible sight to behold. I wish I didn’t come out to watch the match. Come to think of it, I have DStv at home but I enjoy watching matches at viewing centres,”

  • a football fan who was in the viewing centre when the incident happened told Punch.

 

 

“I could have been dead. I can’t believe that the people I was chatting and joking with a few minutes ago are all gone in a most anguishing way. This world is vain.”

 

A few of the survivors were taken to the hospital.
It’s still unconfirmed but we have strong reason to believe Anderlecht fans might have been behind it.
All 3 of them in Nigeria might have conspired out of jealousy.
May the families of the deceased find solace in these hard times.
If you know any Anderlecht fans, tell them we are looking for them.

 


And now to the most outrageous article that found its way to our news drafts…
Bruh…
So there I was setting P on the interwebs when this dropped in my @s.

 

 


Well, he was right. This had to make the Rounds.
Is it legit though?
Truth is stranger than fiction.
South Africa takes the L on behalf of Kenya this week though.
I’m sure Kenya will be back with a vengeance next week but for now SA is saying step aside marathon runners. This shit is ours!
Real or not, it’s kind of hilarious.
Men in a village in the North West are living in fear over a big male baboon that likes to grope and smash human males.
Evolution took the back seat today. Gay pride is riding shotgun.
The baboon is said to have attacked more than six men in the past week and what is baffling is the fact that this giant monkey only goes after guys.
Cesar been watching too much Tarzan.
It doesn’t physically hurt its victims, not just physically.
But also psychologically.
It simply performs sexual acts on top of the terrified victim and leaves.
George Chiune, an innocent bystander who was accosted by the great ape, said he was coming from a local shebeen when the baboon showed up out of nowhere and pinned him to the ground.
Damn, Cesar a freak.
Ah, you decided to call him that too.
It’s only right.

 

“I thought it was gonna kill me, but I realized it was after my bum”

  • George said.
The baboon which has been nicknamed Somizi Cesar travels alone and this, is absurd animal behaviour considering that baboons travel in packs.

 

“The baboon might be an outcast, chased away from its troop. That is why it is travelling alone.”

  • Lizzie McKenzie, a specialist, said.
It was chased away cos it was gay? I guess discrimination based on sexual preferences isn’t peculiar to humans.
That explains why its so angry.
It’s just misunderstood.
Now we gotta find another gay baboon outcast for Stormzy. So he can stop harassing innocent unsuspecting victims.
South Africa, can we address the fact that you people have a baboon on the loose and the best solution you can think of is to encourage your men to dress like women to avoid being molested?
LMAO! Apparently, when journalists visited the village, the male kids were said to be wearing dresses as a preventive measure until the baboon was caught.
South Africa…SMH!
That’s the part that made me feel like this article is dust.
But it’s too fucking stupid to ignore. And truth really is stranger than fiction.
Real or not, SA takes the fall for this one for allowing this article to circulate.
Nonsense.

 


Morals

And so on that outrageous note, we come to the end of this week’s dose of crazy.
But before we leave, a quick recap on today’s gems:
Serena William’s baby already has a grand slam title at 20 weeks old. What have you done with your life?
Is that what you took from that article?
Precisely. What did you take from the whole situation?
That I need to feature in a Beyonce video soon so I can be blessed with the fruit of the womb hallelujah.
Look at this ode. Just look at this rare specie.
Next we learnt that by October 13, we might have a war on our hands.
Maybe then the dollar rate will crash?
LMAO! How can you be praying for a nuclear war please?
LOL! What? I’m not. I’m just saying everyone has their own problems.
Speaking of problems, we learnt that some people are really sick in the head.
You’re talking about the Facebook killer, right?
Yes. Yes. Pray for and talk to your loved ones please. They might be going through some shit just gearing up to snap and that word that you put in might make all the difference.
Next we learnt that viewing centres are only as safe as the high tension cables above them.
Word. Please stay safe on these streets.
And last but not least, we learnt that baboons discriminate against the gays too.
Damn.
Segregation everywhere.
Stay woke fam, there’s a gay baboon on the streets of SA looking for man butt.
Man butt…lol!
And with that we come to the very end of this episode.
Be sure to come back here next week for a little more of this outlandish shit.
Till then we wish you peace, love, and laughter.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with your people. Don’t hide greatness.
Also, remember to comment. We beat off to those.
Later y’all.

 


  • Culled from:
    Daily Star
    Herald News
    TheSun.co.uk
    Pulse.ng

Responses

  1. Ijehappiness
    Oboy!!! Gay Baboon…..Dunno why I keep thinking he might be a real guy disguised as an Ape…..it keeps flashing in my mind.
    0

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