Rounds Week 20: On Melaye’s Book, Kuti’s Blowjob, Trump’s Witches, Mohammed’s Lai, and more…

Rounds

Do it? #TWayne pic.twitter.com/RxwZQwGr4G — T-Pain (@TPAIN) May 17, 2017 The Headlines How To Corruption, Vol. 1. “Only thieves write books on stealing” -African proverb Femi Kuti’s Blow Job It’s exactly what it sounds like Ladies… Trump And His Witches When you’re hunted by yourself. The wicked flee… More White Privilege Ever wonder what sentence…

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Good morning people!
It has been a crazy week. But we move.
Just counting down till we wear agbada to prostrate.
LOL! Ma nigga. Soon enough.
What we got for the people today though?
Some of the most outlandish shit we could find.
Dino Melaye makes an appearance this week.
You know it’s bound to be no chill when that graduate shows up in the news.
Low blow. Why does the “Graduate” have comma…
LMAO! I don’t know abeg, before they summon us for questioning.
Meanwhile, have you people heard the good news?

LOL! About 20 years too late…
But we’re totally here for it! Yes please!!
It does have that nostalgic effect. I’m not curious about it though.
I definitely am.
Right. You and this your questionable music taste. Go and get Skales’ album let’s hear word.
While we wait, we’ll just go ahead and bring you…

The Headlines

How To Corruption, Vol. 1.
“Only thieves write books on stealing”
-African proverb

Femi Kuti’s Blow Job
It’s exactly what it sounds like
Ladies…

Trump And His Witches
When you’re hunted by yourself.
The wicked flee…

More White Privilege
Ever wonder what sentence you’d get
If you stabbed the shit out of someone?

Lie Mohammed Strikes Again
The man, the lie, the legend
Details inside…


How To Corruption, Vol. 1.

Nigeria is a great country, no doubt.
I mean the country is almost an irony.
So it’s commonplace to see weird shit happen on the daily.
Like, presidents who spend more time in other countries than at home.
Houses that lodge billions of dollars and naira, with no human overseer.
And of course, corrupt people writing books about corruption.
But yeah, who would know better, right?
So it was that Senator-I-really-am-enjoying-my-media-spotlight Dino Melaye recently launched a 600-page book entitled, ‘Antidotes for Corruption: The Nigerian Story,’
I mean, the guys who develop anti-viruses for PCs are normally the same guys that create the virus in the first place.
So yes, this might just be a trend.
Dino wasn’t alone at the launch, he had his fellow ethically questionable colleagues present.
Let’s do a rollcall, shall we?
– Former First Lady, Patience Jonathan – In court for $15m fraud allegations.
– Senate President Bukola Saraki – facing trial for false asset declarations.
– Speaker of the House Yakubu Dogara – involved in a N630m rent scam allegation.
Others present included Ghali Na’aba, a former Speaker of the House; Anyim Pius Anyim, a former Secretary to the Government of the Federation; Idris Wada, a former Kogi State Governor; Attahiru Bafarawa, a former Sokoto State governor; and several senators.
What’s most ‘surprising; is the fact that not a single representative of the nation’s anti-corruption bodies was present.
Hahaha…you want them to just arrest all of them?
While speaking, Saraki had said the justice system lacks credibility as it does not provide for forensic investigation which is key.
Haha…of course, take a jab at the system that has kept you safe so far.
He further commended Senator Melaye for writing such a voluminous book despite his busy schedule.
LOOOL, busy schedule? Aren’t senators always on recess or some shit?
Melaye so busy he has time to record videos for social media.

Truth will always win

A post shared by Dino Melaye (@dinomelaye) on

Must be so busy he has time to dress up in academic gowns.

God pass them

A post shared by Dino Melaye (@dinomelaye) on

Let’s leave you with some background info on the author of this book.
Mr. Melaye, was temporarily chairman of the ‘Anti-Corruption Network’ in Abuja.
Then something happened, and allovasudden, he became very very rich, owning a multi-billion Naira home in Abuja, and routinely flaunting a fleet of exotic cars.
He has refused to answer any questions about the source of his wealth.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Melaye, the author of ‘Antidotes for Corruption: The Nigerian Story,’

A post shared by Dino Melaye (@dinomelaye) on

Quite a Nigerian story.

Still No Word from Buhari

We just said we should let you know.
We’ll update you as the weeks go.

Femi Kuti’s Blow Job

We felt this should make the news because it’s something quite heartwarming.
Last week, Femi Kuti apparently played a single note on the saxophone for 46 minutes 38 seconds.
You people that were there were shouting “you’ve done it! You’ve done it!!” and baba now stopped.
Only for him to discover that American Vann Burchfield had gone over 47 minutes.
So what we thought was a record turned out to be an almost-record.
Because you people did not do your research well.
Anyway, not moved by your lack of record knowledge, Femi decided to go at it again.
And guess what? Yup, he blew the old record away clocking more than 51 minutes.

 


He gave extra 4 minutes just in case some mad person wants to come and spoil show.
Some of us can’t even blow our women for that long.
PS: he doesn’t mean punch.
Man, how did he do that without stopping to catch a breath?
It’s a technique called circular breathing, where you store air in your cheeks and somehow recycle it or some shit.
Oh yeah, the sad thing about this is Guinness World Records discontinued this particular category where circular breathing is used and will not certify Femi’s achievement.
Wait, what? So why did he bother?
Personal goal maybe, plus, we all know he’s the one with the record anyway.
That blows, men.
I know right?
Guinness World Record guys be chatting breeze.
Knocked the air right out of me when I heard.
Sigh. Anyway, big ups Femi, you’re the man.

 


TRUMP AND WITCHES

Been a while we had anything from Trump yeah?
Mmhmmm, mostly because we sorta felt there was no need bugging y’all with routine stupidity.
But then, he started biting more than he could chew and we had no excuse to hold back any more.
So recently, President Trump fired FBI Director Comey and everybody was like “Whoa! What is he doing?”
We were all like “what is really going on?” Is there something Trump is trying to hide?
I mean, I’ve watched enough Homeland and Scandal to know there’s always something to cover when these sackings take place.
Yup and according to Mr Comey the president urged him to drop inquiries into Mr Flynn.
#Hmmmm.
Michael Flynn, his former national security adviser, is said to have discussed setting up a back channel for Mr Trump to communicate with Vladimir Putin once he was president.
Oh seen?
Mr Trump was then asked if he had anything hidden that might warrant his impeachment and he said:

 

“It’s totally ridiculous. Everybody thinks so.”

Well, maybe because you’ve given us reason to think so ey? Howbadat?
As a result of these allegations, a special counsel has been appointed to investigate
Trump was also asked if he tried to get Mr Comey to drop the investigation into Mr Flynn. He replied:

 

“No. No. Next question.”

Always avoiding issues. Such a wuss!
But of course, you know he won’t speak to the press, but will come to us on Twitter. So immediately after he left the conference…
Probably while sitting in the oval office, wondering how shit hit the fan so quick…
He whipped out his phone, hit the compose button on twitter and typed:

We’re sorry to break it to you sir…but we could list a whole number of successful witch-hunts.
And you don’t even qualify.
There was MLK, assassinated, Kennedy, assassinated, Lincoln assassinated, Kennedy, assassinated, the list goes on and on.
Stop whimpering about the appointment of a special counsel and face it like a man.
You wanted the seat so bad, deal with it!
Moving on please…

 


More White Privilege

We wanna take a break from talking about the poster child of white privilege…
To talk about some more white privilege.
Take a good look at this shit right here real quick.

For those of you who are too disgusted by the headline to read the full article, we will proceed to break it down for you.
Introducing Lavina Woodward, a 24 year old medical student of Oxford University…
Who had a small disagreement with her boyfriend…
You know how couples do.
But instead of sending each other subs via retweets like the rest of us, Lavina decided to take matters into her own hands…
Also…a knife.
And used it to stab the actual shit out of her boyfriend.
Well, now former boyfriend. Only a mad man would go back and date a woman that deliberately caused him physical injury.
When she’s not a Kardashian.
No pussy is THAT good.
Apparently, the docile Ms Woodward also hurled glass, a jam jar, and an entire laptop at her man.
LOL! God forbid.
These white women are actually vicious.
So when the case was taken to court, the judge…who would normally have slammed her witha custodial sentence, decided to consider other factors before giving a ruling.
Factors like her education, and her future in practicing medicine…
Let’s not forget her skin tone.
Very important, tbh.
He said:

 

“It seems to me that if this was a one-off, a complete one-off, to prevent this extraordinary able young lady from not following her long-held desire to enter the profession she wishes to, would be a sentence which would be too severe.”

Right…
“…too severe.”
Let’s take a quick unrelated look at some victimless crimes that other people of color have committed and been punished for…
Meet Robert Booker, who got a life sentence for being in possession of a crack rock.
Had to leave two daughters and two sons behind when he got incarcerated. Hasn’t taken them to chuckicheese in 20 years.
Didn’t stab anyone though. Just thought we should point that out.
Alice Marie Johnson, a single mother struggling to raise her five children, was sentenced to life without parole for acting as a middle man in several drug deals to feed her family.
Danielle Metz is serving three life sentences for her involvement in her husband’s cocaine distribution enterprise — her first offense.
Michael Fitzgerald Wilson was sentenced to life without parole as a first-time nonviolent drug offender in 1994.
Leroy Fields borrowed a car from a friend and didn’t know it was stolen. His state-appointed attorney failed to call the friend as a witness at his trial. He was sentenced to life in prison.
Donald Allen was just 20 years old when he was sentenced to two life-without-parole sentences. He says his court-appointed lawyer did not provide adequate legal representation and that he wasn’t involved in the deal that resulted in his conviction on conspiracy and possession charges.
We could go on and on… But what do all these people have in common?
They sold drugs?
Yes, but less significantly, they were all black.
Yet this white girl who took a freaking knife to her man’s skin and drew blood is getting off the hook because “a prison sentence would be too severe and could damage her career”.
Every day we stray further and further from God’s light.
Racism is still very real today people. And if you doubt it, take a look at this thread real quick.

God bless America.

Lie Mohammed Strikes Again

You know how we always leave the best until last?
Well, today we decided to leave the very worst until last.
Lai Mohammed…
LMAO!!
Why are you laughing?
How does the irony in that name not inspire chuckles though?
I know right? He couldn’t go with another name??
Smh…
You people’s uncle came on Naij.com to say that although the president is receiving treatment in the abroad, he is using Nigerian drugs.

We’re going to give you that one more time just in case you missed it.
Lai Mohammed told Nigerians that although the president is receiving treatment in London, he is using Nigerian drugs.
See, it’s bad enough that the man is holding on to power just as much as he is holding on for dear life…
His spokesman has the guts to look us in the eye and tella bold faced Lai like that?
It’s lowkey insulting, tbh.
I’m sure them London doctors look at the tag at the bottom of Baba’s Fulani foot and saw that “Made in Nigeria” tag and decided to check their cabinet for where they kept the Made In Nigeria drugs that they usually keep for their Nigerian patients.
Sounds about right…
LOL! FOH!
Of course Nigerians were having none of that shit.

DRAGGGG HIMMMMM SUSANNN!

Rah! I love how we’re not taking nonsense anymore.
Drag the actual hell out of him please.
Meanwhile, since Buhari has been out of the country, Yemi has had to fill them shoes.
And he’s been jogging real nice so far in those Nikes..

Get that work, King. Get that work!
We just hope the Nigerian factor will not affect the implementation.
Right?
Right.
Alright, it’s time to end this episode.

 


Morals

Okay so today’s class was packed tight full of lessons you know.
It’s some scary ass shit how disrespectful our leaders have been to us, to be honest. But we will put sentiment aside and report the news.
LOL!
First we learnt that it takes a thief to catch a thief.
Just as much as it takes a corrupt politician to write about corruption.
Or how to solve it.
I’ll be a great book to read, if you’re one for irony.
Next we learnt that the son of a legend is a legend. No arguments there.
This man blew for a solid 51 minutes…

51 minutes? Iss nothing…

Ladiessssss!!!
LMAO!
Next we learnt that there are witches hunting the president of the united states.
Explains why the WH is being overrun by witchcraft…

LOL! *taps nose*
Next we learnt that you can spend the rest of your life in jail with no option of parole for selling some drugs if you’re coloured, but if you physically harm another human being, you might get off the hook if you’re white a promising medical student.
Sounds about right.
Last but not least, we learnt that the JD of the role of Information Minister is really “Official Fibber on behalf of the president”, and Lie Mohammed has been working hard to maintain the importance of that role.
Nobody has done it better so far, to be honest.
The man is a legend.
I’m tired of reporting on Nigerian politics to be honest.
I hope we all learn not to accept mediocrity from our leaders.
Alright. That’s it from us this week.
Be prepared for more outrageous shit next week people. Same time, same station.
See you later guys.
Peace!

Culled from:

  • itv.com
  • huffingtonpost.com

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