Set complete. #MUFC pic.twitter.com/judM3RLOgp — Manchester United (@ManUtd) May 25, 2017 Good morning, @EmiratesFACup winners 🏆#WeAreTheArsenal pic.twitter.com/g78WSN2Udk — Arsenal FC (@Arsenal) May 28, 2017 The Headlines Ibori Gets a Pound This is what you’re deemed to be worth When you sue for ‘damages’ Trump Abroad Orange Man finally leaves home Leaves home training behind Update…
We experienced some technical difficulty earlier today.
But you know we still gotta bring ROUNDS your way you know.
First of all proud week for us both.
First Manchester United won the Europa League..
Then Arsenal made us proud yesterday by trashing those ‘champions’ and winning the FA Cup.
Okay, now we can get into today’s articles.
We got some real weird shit to bring to you today. As usual.
We start off at home with the story of Shylock and his pound.
But first, the headlines. Right?
Ibori Gets a Pound
This is what you’re deemed to be worth
When you sue for ‘damages’
Orange Man finally leaves home
Leaves home training behind
Update On Buhari
The devil is a liar.
We stand united.
Heaven Is a Call Away In Zimbabwe
Get your heavenly credit
Dial *737# today
IBORI GETS A POUND
Ibori has been around for a while now.
Yeah, that’s not news. Your faves have probably already paid a courtesy visit, welcoming him back from detention.
Yup. Because this is Nigeria where our villains are treated as heroes.
So yeah, after his release from detention, and return to Nigeria…
…a London High Court has awarded James Ibori, a nominal £1 (about N400) as damages over his claim of unlawful detention.
FOUR HUNDRED NAIRA APPROX.
Uk authorities basically telling your man, look we don’t have time for your shit, you want a pound of flesh? Well, here it is!
They couldn’t even make it like 100 Pounds.
Ibori had claimed that he was unlawfully detained by the British home secretary, Amber Rudd.
The presiding judge in the case, Cheema-Grubb, agreed that the former governor was illegally held between December 20 and 21, 2016.
So considering he was illegally detained for one day, 18 hours and 10 minutes, his reward was going to be a coin.
Your guy was suing for £4,000 in damages.
It’s really not far off if you think about it, just about 3,999 to go.
On the damages requested by Ibori, the judge ruled: “There is no compensatory loss to Mr Ibori and I fix nominal damages at £1.”
I doubt Mr Ibori would push the case any further.
Before they take their pound back.
I mean, he already won and has been awarded a cost for damages.
There you go Jamey boy, your pound of flesh!
So our very own Prof Yemi was in Italy earlier this week to represent us at the G7 Summit.
If you’re any type of confused, remember that the G7 summit is an organisation founded to fine tune short term economic policies among participant countries.
Well, now it’s just an opportunity for world leaders to show off their new suits.
We don’t really care much about what they discussed there.
To be honest, I doubt even THEY care about what is being discussed.
What we do care about, is how much of a fool Donald Trump made himself during his time out of the country. See…
Because we are the media. And we love seeing that large orange man ridicule himself.
We start off with the greatness that was this Macron curve.
LMAO! “Hold my beer and watch this”
To him shoving world leaders out of the way so we can see just how blue his tie really is…
To him seeming really excited to touch the glowing orb and find the Hobbit…
I think the whole world is tired of this man acting out his fantasies as president.
Time for a grown up to step in them shoes, don’t you think?
Still on the topic of acting and presidents…
Osinbajo was at the G7 Summit earlier this week to represent.
The vibe that this man has given Nigerians in the past couple weeks that he has been in power is enough to cement the right level of confidence in his government that he’ll need in say…2019?
I mean we’re just taking wild stabs in the dark here but…
Demcracy is ultimately about giving the people what they want right?
UPDATE ON BUHARI
It was devastating during the week as about 22 people lost their lives at the Manchester Arena after an Ariana Grande concert.
Sad stuff as kids and adults fell victim to what is being reported as a terrorist attack.
The suicide bomber detonated the device at the foyer entrance to the arena killing 22 and injuring more than 50 others.
Man I can’t even imagine what the parents of those kids are going through. This is a concert FFS, full of young souls excited to be in the presence of their idol.
And then some twisted fanatic decides it’s time to blow his fucking self up.
The world gets darker by the day.
Ariana had tweeted her sympathy and has offered to handle the burial costs for all families affected.
Man, she’s going to be a mess for a while. How she gon’ climb a stage again without thinking of what could happen?
She’s apparently getting herself together and is scheduled to perform again in June.
The woman has more heart than most of us tbh.
Gotta say, it’s super admirable how the football community and the world at large stood up to offer their condolences to the families of the victims.
God punish the terrorist that caused this nonsense oh.
ISIS has claimed responsibility bruh…
Well then. God punish ISIS and ISIS’ father. And grand father. Nonsense!
HEAVEN IS A CALL AWAY IN ZIMBABWE
It’s been a while we heard from our favorite WTF correspondents.
Ugh, dude that doesn’t even fit in there.
Oh yes it does! You’re just jealous ‘cos I thought about it and used it first.
Whatever! Anyway, if you’ve been wondering whether Jesus hears your prayers or not, we can officially give you an answer.
Apparently, your prayers probably didn’t get answered because you were on the wrong network.
Using the wrong connection.
But in nearby Zimbabwe, there’s a pastor who has direct access to heaven via his mobile phone.
Our sources deeply reveal the mobile phone in question is not even an Apple or Samsung product.
Pastor Paul Sanyangore from Victory World International Ministries Church has the connects, in case you need it.
You might need to have a spiritual problem and then attend his church to benefit tho.
In a video shared online (which I think we’ve shared before), he is seen AUTOMATICALLY speaking to Heaven via phone.
Can’t remember seeing him dial.
“Hello‚ is this heaven? Is it heaven?”
I’d expect it’ll be…like will God give you a fake number?
Maybe Angel Michael picked and was in the middle of something important- like worship.
“I have a woman here‚ what do you have to say about her?” the phone call started.
Guy cannot even greet, no home training at all.
But apparently, the person on the other end of the call seemed to indulge him and ‘replied’.
Pastor continues… “…He says we should pray for your children. two of them. He is saying the other one is epileptic, the other one is asthmatic … “
Let’s pretend like the assistant pastor did not extract this info from the woman before she came on stage.
Pastor continues… “Heaven is online. God is telling me to tell you that your story has changed,” he ended the call.
COULD NOT EVEN SAY “BYE LORD”!
Anyway, we just want to say these pastors need to quit this phony shit.
I see it. What you did there.
Fam, it’s not ending anytime soon. The bible tells us they would arise in their number.
What you did there too. I see it.
Word. Saw a clip of one that was kissing on stage, forming deliverance.
Because that type of demon does not come out by prayer and fasting, but every word that enters the mouth from the mouth of the pastor.
You know there is power in the tongue.
LMAO! See, I think you have an actual problem.
The people with problems are the ones allowing themselves be deceived by these pastors.
It’s like it’s to read these holy books by ourselves now, innit?
Shall we end this? I’m sure they’ve had enough preaching for one Sunday.
You know as they say, all good things must come to an end.
And so we have come to the end of today’s episode.
But we hate to just drop mic and leave like that without giving you a little recap of the rare gems we’ve sprinkled in the post…
Earlier today, we told you about how Ibori got his pound of flesh back from the UK government.
This is after he sued for being illegally held for one day and 18 hours.
And so the court evaluated what that time was worth and they counted it in full and gave it to the former governor…
Long live the queen, bruh.
Next we learnt that sometimes it’s better to let your president stay in your country so he doesn’t go and disgrace the entire united states…
Come get your mans, ‘Mericuh.
Next we learnt that Nigerians really seem to be enjoying Osinbajo’s regime.
We still hope you get well soon sha.
But no need to come back. Just enjoy that London weather. We will accept it as your retirement plan.
Next we learnt that Ariana Grande is sporting a lot of heart.
We would love to use this medium to preay for the families of the victims. We hope you find the strength to cope with the world’s evils.
And last, but definitely not the least lesson here, we learned that some of your pastors just might be lying to you when they say they can talk to God.
Especially when they mean that very literally. Like over-the-phone literally…
Please ask for the phone number next time. I mean don’t you also want to have the Almighty on speed dial?
I guess this is where we draw the curtains on today’s episode.
Tune in same time next week for another edition of ROUNDS.
Maybe next time we’ll be on time.
Till then we wish you peace, love and laughter.