Rounds Week 26: On Buhari’s VN, SA Prisons, Rih’s Squeeze, Almighty Advisers, and more

Rounds

Why are you people stressing your self about Buhari? Have you ironed your cloth for Monday? Even if you are wearing what you wore today to work tomorrow, you still need to iron it.

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Good morning people.

Hey Guys! I’m Funmi.

And I’m Debloww!

Sirkastiq isn’t around today so Tula brought us in to fill in for him.

Tula well done oh. A nigga can’t even take one week break without being replaced.

Word. What a man can do. Besides, this is the first time you’re complaining that I’m putting you between two women.

It’s a menage a trois!!

We will not be menaging anything please.

Tula, please help me control these people.

You seem to have everything under wraps. Go ahead.

*sigh*

Why isn’t Sirkastiq in the studio today though?

He’s off on official assignment. He will explain himself when he shows up. Meanwhile, we should get to the news, yeah.

Right.

Let us begin.

The Headlines

Buhari Speaks

SendsVoice Note

First Ever WhatsApp President

Rihanna In Love

With a Saudi dude

Who isn’t Drake

Strippers in SA Prison

Prisoners need love too

You know…

Special Adviser to the Almighty

4th in Command

1st of 60 in line to heaven


Buhari Speaks

FINALLLLLLLLYYYYY!!!!

The Presidency has released an audio of President Muhammadu Buhari’s voice message to Nigerians on the occasion of Eid-el Fitr.

Wait. Did he join them to fast?

Not the point! At least he spoke to us.

Maybe now we will hear word.

LOL! I didn’t hear anything oh.

Ugh. Me neither. Can we get a translator?

The clip wasn’t even supposed to be public. They only made it public to dismiss reports that the statement released by Garba Shehu, Special Assistant to the President on Mediaand Publicity, was not genuine.

Fake news!!

We really didn’t believe that Buhari was healthy enough to talk.

That’s why they brought out receipts? LMAO!

Well, the doubt is not unfounded. Since he left us he hasn’t said anything. Then suddenly he sent voice note on WhatsApp after fasting?

So many messages in Bullshit’s voicemail.

I see what you did there.

Why are you people stressing your self about Buhari? Have you ironed your cloth for Monday? Even if you are wearing what you wore today to work tomorrow, you still need to iron it.

Wow Debz. Wow.

On Sunday, June 25, the BBC aired a recorded audio of the president’s message.

In the one minute, three seconds audio, Buhari spoke in Hausa.

We had our in-house translator do his thing, and it turns out Buhari wasn’t asking if there’s light at home.

Here’s what he said:

“I am immensely grateful to God for his mercy in guiding us successfully to conclude another Ramadan fast. My greetings to all Nigerian Muslims and our brother Christians on the occasion of Eid-el-Fitr.

May the lessons of Ramadan namely; piety, self-denial, prayers and generosity to the poor and needy be with us for all time.

I, again, appeal to all Nigerians to avoid reckless statements or actions against our fellow countrymen. We should all resolve to live in peace and unity in our great country, which is the envy of many less endowed nations.”

This is an outrage! He left out sister christians.

LMAOOO!

I’m just here thinking of ways to use his stay in Jand to my advantage in my visa application. I mean he is the father of Nigeria and I’m a child of Nigeria. So if he should invite me shebi they won’t deny me visa? Abi?

Someone that cannot fast for dear life will invite you to Jand ba?

Last last we are happy that he is still alive.

The man should resign. I mean, you have a job, you called in sick, you’ve been gone for MONTHS. Then you send audio because your employers wanna hear your sonorous voice, yeah?

When are you going to hand over power completely so that you can rest? Ehn, Daddy Bubu?

We wait.

Moving on…

Rih’s Boo

You called?

Where did this one come from?

I heard my boo’s name.

Uh…Newsflash! She has a new boo.

And he drives Toyota.

What does Toyota boy have that I don’t?

How about exclusive rights to distribute Toyota in Saudi Arabia?

Whoa.

Yeah. He’s not a small boy.

She’s come a long way from engaging in fisticuffs with RnB singing drug addicts.

Sub for Mr. Brown on aisle 4 please.

Valid.

So Sirkastiq really just showed up all the way from his trip to famz Rihanna?

Yep.

And you found out she’s cheating on you with an Arab billionaire on the inter webs? This cold world.

RTTT!!!! No love out here man, I’m out.

No romance without finance bruh. And Hassan Jameel has lots and lots of it.

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger. But she ain’t messing with no broke niccuh.

The 29-year-old singer who reportedly dated Drake (after that Work single dropped) in 2016 has been seen getting hot and heavy with this Toyota person.

Why did you people have to bring Drake into this?

Apparently, Rihanna’s close friends told us that the star has been having Wild Thoughts about the Saudi heir.

They said she is ‘completely smitten’ by the business mogul.

Word. That’s what happens when money falls on you.

I don’t want to sound like a hater o but… lets take a bet of when this will be over. I think in 30 days.

3 months.

I think they might actually see this one through. Saudi men know how to take care of their celebrity girlfriends.

Right…right.

Rihanna is just towing the path clearly paved by…

Naomi Campbell?

Wow. Low blow.

No jor! Janet Jackson.

Can’t argue with that.

Cash out baby girl! We’re rooting for you.

Smh. Moving on…

Strippers Entertain Inmates in Prison

Usually when you get sentenced to prison, you’re sad that you’re going to be inaccessible to the outside world.

And vice versa.

And most people might not admit it, but right there and then, in that court room, while the judge is sentencing you, the tears usually come pouring down.

For a number of reasons, really.

True. For one, you know you’re going to miss the next season of Game of Thrones.

Yeah, no winter is coming for you…

But most people break down because of one vital fact.

You ain’t got be getting laid no more.

Yep.. No more random booty for you!

The officials in a prison in Jo’burg, South Africa, known as Sun City, must have realized this and decided to give the inmates a little taste of what they’ve been missing.

So they invited strippers to come and tease them and entertain them.

Wow. How did that conversation go? “So you’re going to come and dance for the prisoners. Nothing too fancy. Just show off for these thirsty prisoners”

“We gon get paid rite??”

LMAOOO! That’s all that matters, really.

That’s how scantily dressed women in thigh-high boots were seen grinding with inmates. The Telegraph describes it as a “steamy strip show.”

The strip tease was supposed to be part of a “rehabilitation project” to commemorate Youth Day in SA.

Youth day?

Yeah, in 1976, a dozen pupils were gunned down by the police during a protest.

So to commemorate that fateful day: Strippers.

See, I have always known we are all animals  in Africa but I am just realizing that even in the Animal Kingdom, there are levels.

The strip event was confirmed on Monday, June 26, 2017. The scandal has led to a full-blown investigation.

Okay so basically, the officials that put the event together are in trouble with the authorities.

I mean inmates who are obviously offenders and a menace to the society got bored and the wardens thought “Oh, let’s bring strippers?”

Well, everyone in that prison was over 18. Otherwise they should have been in a juvenile home.

Right. LMAO! We’re all adults here.

See ehn, I’ll gladly rob a bank with the hopes of being jailed if I can be provided with internet, indomie and sausages. Explain to me how these ones will be bothered about freedom? They ain’t paying rent, no bills whatsoever and they get strippers? Fair deal.

I have something to say about that South African minister that usually trends on twitter and his connection to this but I can’t form the words yet.

Yeah. But that didn’t stop the authorities from spilling bile.

“We can never tolerate what we have seen on the social media since Saturday […] The form of entertainment as depicted on social media was not approved as it was not in line with the Department of Correctional Services’ policies and procedures, which are clear in terms of appropriate clothing behaviour when inside a correctional environment”

“It is not acceptable for female persons to appear like that in front of offenders. The management of the event should have never allowed, and immediately halted, this type of explicit entertainment, as pronounced by our policies. Therefore, there was a clear breach of the security plan that was provided for the event as well as other relevant policies and procedures”

– James Smalberger, the acting national correctional services commissioner.

LOL! Mr. Small Burger should stop acting please. It’s not like you would have jumped in to cover the strippers up.

I think we should be looking at this from another angle. Did you see the strippers though?

I mean…if you could call them that.

Considering what they looked like, being made to watch them might actually have been punishment enough for the inmates.

Angu of laiv…

If that’s the case then I think this is a laudable concept. I bet they were rehabilitated enough.

Of course Terdoo… Of course.

Moving on…

God’s Special Adviser

See you guys bring the worst articles to Rounds. You people have no respect. What is this?

It’s odd news is what it is bruh.

A talented prophet from Zimbabwe…

Wait wait. No. His NAME is Talent.

Wait what?

Oh yeah. True. His name is actually Prophet Talent Madungwe.

Word. Prophet Talent Madungwe, a Zimbabwean ‘man of God’, has shocked his compatriots with the claim that he is God’s special adviser and meets with the almighty on a regular basis to make decisions on how the world should be run.

Apparently, he’s told his congregation that he s God’s number 4, after Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit because he is the most righteous person in his country.

A country where only 60 people are certain to make heaven.

Theres 16 million people in Zimbabwe though. Only 60 righteous people?

And he is number 1.

I thought it was number 4.

We are all confused to be honest.

Man, he even claimed that Angel Michael and Angel Gabriel come after him on the righteousness scale since he and the almighty are besties.

Why did he have to drag Mike and Gabs into this please?

Otherwise it won’t seem authentic enough na.

Prophet Madungwe was quoted as telling his members that he was with God recently where they had a very long discussion on what will happen to the world.

And when asked to show a proof of the meeting by way of photographs, he was said to have replied that it was not possible to have pictures with God.

They really wanted to see photographs? This congregation sef.

Prophet Mad-ungwe is…

Mad?

Quite. And has no one to tell him.

Well, that’s what we’re here for.

“You can’t have pictures of God, the cameras will not function. He came to me in physical form on April 30, 2017. Only 60 people are righteous in this country and among those, only a few of the popular prophets are among the list.

I cannot reveal the names I came fourth because I performed better than the others. Performance is judged monthly. In April, I saw God and he ordained me to be his advisor; He told me when the world will come to an end.

God told me that if all people repent, the world will come to an end in 300 years but if not, then it will be 100 years. I will have a meeting with Him and tell him if people are repenting because he has put me in charge of advising Him on matters concerning the world. This will be in five years.”

Someone needs to put a leash on all these leaders so we can hear word.

Speaking of leaders that need to be put down…

You’re not about to talk about Donald Trump, are you?

Oh she is.

Trump’s account needs to be suspended or deactivated, no doubt.

After I saw those tweets, I kind of agree. This guy needs to be put down.

Twitter won’t do it though. You already knew that.

Why?

Well, for one, and most importantly, he’s the president of the United States. Basically anything he tweets is news. And suspending his account would count as censorship.

Also, Jack is super happy that Donald chose his platform to rant. Because I bet he’s partly responsible for the incredible growth they’ve experienced the past three quarters.

Yeah. Most of that growth was politically influenced.

And he seems to tack just inside the lines of the rules of conduct.

Still though, #SuspendDonaldTrump.

We’ll just close with this.

Even though we know they won’t.

It’s worth a shot though.

Have we covered everything?

Well you forgot to mention how everyone in the entertainment industry has been calling out yahoo boys and scammers lately.

Biting the metaphorical fingers that fed them and what not…

Are you talking about Hush Puppy?

The one and only Gucci!

Ah yes, well In case you missed it…it all started with Hush dropping bombs on Ice Prince and Phyno on snapchat saying:

“Ice Prince Zamani Phyno Patek Philippe! If you don’t want people to patronize pirated copy of your work, don’t patronize pirated copy of other’s work. #Hypocrites.”

Fair point, if you ask me.

LMAO! Please, almost every Nigerian is guilty of wearing copies.

It’s nothing to brag about though. So they don’t call you out.

Anyway, after that bomb dropped, Kcee decided to take it upon himself to call out his fellow man from his glass house.

Dear Hushpuppi, We are musicians not paupers. Who exactly do you think you are to open your mouth and insult a musician that sweats day and night in the studio? You have no credibility, no known source of income and yet you come on social media to attack hard working Nigerian musicians with traceable wealth. Let's face it, I think we've had enough of this nonsense and disrespect form you. Really, What do you do for a living, what is your talent, how did you make your money, what brand do you represent? I will take it upon myself to raise a petition against you. We want to know your source of income since you now have the nerves to come on social media and call out a brand. Who is your father, Are you OBO , are you a taxable Nigerian. We need to start asking questions and the EFCC @officialefcc needs to start paying more 'Attention To detail'.

A post shared by KCEE (@iam_kcee) on

Ahem. Mr. Limpopo, how is our brother, E Money?

There’s a “legal” somewhere between the E and the M in that name but we’re not saying anything.

Very soon we will ask all of you to declare your assets so we can determine the source of your wealth. It’s not hard.

Everybody will just line up with their chest and say how they made their money.

Remove the log in your eye first, right?

Anyway, the person that owned the sub came forward to reply with his chest.

This is like one week after Falz called out somebody for hailing yahoo yahoo.

Is it Gongo Also you are calling somebody? You’re not 9ice.

Smh…

But what we really wanna know is…

In my opinion it’s dope that we’re finally thinking in the right direction when it comes to these issues.

True. It’s about time.

About time to wrap this up. I’m late for my hair appointment.

Hair? That’s what we’re calling it now?

Yes please. *stands up*

Wait. wait. We still have to do morals first na.

Okay okay.

Morals

This is usually my favorite part.

Cos we get to summarily diss the people we have so heartily talked about.

So what did we get up to today?

First we talked about how inspirational Buhari’s voice note to the people was.

Yep. We were all very inspired by his words of wisdom.

Still though, when are you retiring sir?

That’s all we really wanna know.

Really? Not when is he coming back?

Nope.

Nope.

LMAO! Wow! Someone said he’s gonna campaign for 2019 elections.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we’d like to see him try.

I mean…if he can get off that London bed, maybe.

Next we learnt how money can make even the most notorious man eaters fall in love.

Man eater is just about right, really.

Ladies and gentleman, Rihanna is currently popping it open for some Toyota schlong.

Goals, really.

Next we learnt that being an inmate in South Africa might not be so bad.

Considering how you get free meals, no landlord coming to kick you out, and a complimentary lap dance every other Government holiday.

Apparently crime pays.

Especially if you’re a stripper.

And then we learnt that only 60 people are gong to make it to heaven out of Zimbabwe.

Those are some really slim odds. We’re talking slim like Chris Brown’s chances of ever getting with Rihanna.

Smh.

And last but not least…

We learnt that if you live in a glass house…

Don’t wear Gucci.

Or Patek Phillipe.

Is that really the moral here?

I don’t even know again. Instagram is for showing off…yeah?

Just make sure that nobody will call you out on your posts. Amen?

And on that note, I believe we have come to the end of today’s episode.

Feel free to drop your comments gassing us up.

Told you we love comments!!!

Till next week people we wish you peace…

And love…

And laughter.

Later people!

Culled from:

  • pulse.ng
  • dailymail.co.uk
  • herald.ng

Responses

  1. Wetty Fap
    Update on Daddy BuBu at long last even though it’s not the resignation letter we were hoping for or am I alone on this? Daddy Bubu caught on to the VN biz Daddy Yo has been on with the male duck(read Drake) churning out tunes for the populace.

    When a Toyota selling Arab billionaire wants you, there is nothing these peasants can be do for you. Go Rih! I’ll be waiting.

    I’d have loved to see the Davido vs Wizkid beef thrown in alongside Hush and dem Kcee

    and boy how didn’t *THAT* TwitterNG guy’s reply to John Legend’s tweet not make it considering the fact that it had Donald Trump in it? what a betray.

    the feminist in me wants to ask why two women are standing in for one man but I’ll just commend you and say you did fairly well☺

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  2. Morris
    In general, this week’s is lit! Maybe it’s the ladies in da house…
    Where do I even start from…

    —Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger. But she ain’t messing with no broke niccuh., Loved this line.

    So many messages in Bullshit’s voicemail….. Hehehe

    And the E-legal-Money part, nice!

    0

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