Today Terdoo and Sirkastiq share their take on how Akie Abe attained legendary trolling status at the dinner she was at with Trump, Diezani’s statements and their implications, R Kelly’s infamous cult, and Usher’s introduction into the Herpes Hall of Fame. Don’t forget to drop a comment when you’re done reading. They love those…
Okay… so… It’s been 10am for over an hour now and…well, Terdoo isn’t here yet. And I’m done waiting for him.
I’m guessing he’s stuck in traffic or some shit.
…You guys were gonna start without me? WTF!
There he is. Why the fuck are you la… Wait. What happened to you?
LOL! I’m guessing you got caught in the rain?
Oh you couldn’t tell from my soaking wet clothes?
I thought Sirkastiq was the Sirkastiq one.
Look mama! I’m a noun and an adjective! Boom!
Car didn’t start. Had to take public transportation.
They invented umbrellas a little while back bro. Ever heard of ‘em?
Whoa whoa whoa! I thought I was the…
Ugh. We get it. You’re the Sirkastiq one.
Well, you would be too if you got stranded out in the rain. My ear wax is soaked.
Should have called yourself a damn cab.
Medicine after death ma nigga.
Well, get ready to ‘die’ again. Rainy season still on steroids.
Fine. I’ll download Taxify.
Before or after your phone dries up?
Someone needs to put you in rice. LOL!
Aren’t we already late? What is all this? Let us begin.
Shoprite salesgirl moves N554m
How to retire…
After a month of service.
Diezani Drops Album
Consequence, and “Fuck this shit” already straight hits.
Complete tracklist inside…
Men Are Scum…
“Eigo wa hanasemasen” – Akie Abe
How Japan’s First Lady won the internet.
Without even saying shit.
Shoprite Salesgirl Moves N554m
It’s already an insult to call her a salesgirl.
Someone that is an underground exporter.
This story had us shook, so we just had to bring it here.
Because first, we are wondering, HOW POSSIBLE IS THIS?!
We know money can be moved easily in this country, we hear about it all the time.
But how do you MOVE N554M without being noticed?
Fam, I should become a ShopRite salesboy.
And you’ll really look good in yellow and red.
The hero of this story is Mariam Mufutau, and she’s currently being arraigned in Lagos for alleged theft of N553,956,000 which she got from sales barely one month after her employment.
Just imagine her one month salary became N554m, just like that!
Home girl should have resigned while she was ahead.
Are you encouraging theft?
Not really, just encouraging non-greed.
Reports say during the investigations; the accused was unable to give an account of the missing sum.
Of course she can’t give account, what do you want to say?
I’m bewildered fam, how do you have the heart to move over N500m when you’re not a professional.
I know right? It’s one thing to be an Aluko or Omokore (we’ll get to them in a bit) but dear MARIAM MUFUTAU, who gave you such liver?
She definitely didn’t get it at the Shoprite meat section.
Police prosecutor, Esther Adesulu informed the court that the accused had betrayed the trust the management of Shoprite had in her as a salesgirl and stole the sum of N535, 956,000 instead of remitting said amount into her employer’s account.
Unverified reports reaching our studios say the fraud was carried out via POS.
It is alleged that Mary had her own POS with which she be swiping them cards.
It’s ridiculous! Does this mean ShopRite weren’t balancing accounts at days’ end or how?
Maybe they wait till month end.
The fraud was only uncovered following an auditing exercise on the account.
The accused pleaded not guilty to the allegations leveled against her and bail set at N300,000 with two sureties in like sum.
Later they will say bail is free.
The case was adjourned till 28 July 2017 for mention while the defendant was remanded in Kirikiri Prison pending the fulfillment of her bail conditions.
300k for a crime of N500m.
We are not ready for this war, I swear.
In more experienced cases of fraud…
Diezani Drops Album
Bet you never knew Aunty D had the singing genes in her.
There’s so much she has in her we never knew fam.
That includes people too.
You’re filthy and I won’t visit when you get locked up in jail.
LMAOOO. Diezy baby has been singing fam, she’s basically said she’s ready to open up…
What is wrong with you? No other metaphors to use?
I don’t know, give me options.
Open up like a cinema door? Open up like…
You know what? Just continue the news.
According to Premium Times, the former Petroleum Minister no longer cares about protecting co-conspirators, Kola Aluko and Jide Omokore.
For the late comers at the back, Jide and Kola are the alleged fronts through which most of our money was moved.
Diezy baby further said she don’t mind going to jail cos she knows where she and her partners will be kept.
It’s like they’ve already given her a tour of the premises.
Doesn’t sound like Kirikiri.
Nah probably one gated mansion with no TV stations except Emmanuel TV.
A recorded conversation with Mrs. Madueke was recently recovered by investigators and in it, the former minister appears to be very angry.
Mrs. Alison-Madueke dares Mr. Aluko to expose the details of their dealings, adding that he should get ready to face the consequences. [Track 1: Consequence]
She further adds that she is ready to tell Nigerians everything, even if it takes her, along with Aluko and Omokore to jail. [Track 2: Fuck This Shit]
She also chastens Mr. Aluko for buying the Galatical Star, a $80 million “super yacht”, instead of simply renting it for two weeks. [Track 3: Because You’re Stupid]
We got some excerpts off the track:
“You and Jide [i.e., OMOKORE] had some of the most support that we could possibly give. At a time when we’re not doing anything else, we stuck our necks out regarding the SAA and we supported it. [INAUDIBLE] How the two of you have ruined it is incredulous and incredible to all of us.”
Bars that can land you behind bars!!!
“I spoke to you several times about your general behaviour, acquisition of assets, etc., asking you to be a bit more careful because [INAUDIBLE] will start following you. I remember we had this open discussion more than once. You kept telling me that there was no issue because you did it in a certain way, you did it in a certain—and I kept telling you that it doesn’t matter how you do it.” (skit)
She continues in [Track 4; Threats]
“I said tell him [i.e., ALUKO] to bring everything out, and then you know what will happen? No problem, I will be happy to escort all of you to jail along with myself. I said, in fact, you’ll be shocked by what I will do. Because when it comes to that, I will come out and tell the Nigerian people this is what happened.
“But I will come out openly and say it so that they can judge me openly. And then all of us go and sit on the gate. Let us see who survived [INAUDIBLE], me or you.”
The United States Department of Justice (DoJ) is seeking the forfeiture of over $144 million slush fund.
A Court in Lagos has ordered for the forfeiture of N34 billion linked to Deizy in some Nigerian Banks.
Kola Omokore, is facing charges for criminal diversion of about $1.6 billion of proceeds from sales of petroleum products belonging to the Nigerian government.
And of course, the Nigerian government is also trying to freeze multi-billion dollar assets, which include the previously mentioned yacht and three private jets, that belong to Aluko and Omokore.
Let’s just drop the weird news because this alone is too much to swallow.
Funny how we started with opening up and are ending up swallowing.
This week was a tough week for men around the globe.
Aww man, we got so much attitude from our women because of the news that surfaced.
It’s ridiculous how we’re now tired of defending our name when this “Men are scum” phrase was dropped.
Last night at games night we were playing concentration: English, Male names.
And everyone else defended her.
We couldn’t even argue. We just accepted it.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has gotten that bad.
And Uncle Kels isn’t making it any better.
In a BuzzFeed post that surfaced earlier this week…
Titled Inside the Pied Piper of R&B’s “Cult” By Jim DeRogatis…
Bruh, that dude has been on R Kelly’s case. I bet he was happy as shit to drop that post.
LMAO! Everyone must have an obsession.
LOL! In a BuzzFeed post
that surfaced earlier this week, R Kelly was accused of holding women against their will in a “cult”.
Parents of the girls that he’s allegedly holding have reported to the Police that their daughters are missing.
But the Police did small investigation..
You know, like Police do.
And they discovered that the parents knew where there girls were.
They just didn’t know how to get them to come home.
And when they, the Police, reached out to the females, they, the females, said they were there of their own free will.
So the Police dismissed the missing claims…
You know, like Police do.
Stating that the females were technically not missing.
But then, according to the post, three former members of R Kelly’s inner circle – Cheryl Mack, Kitti Jones, and Asante McGee – provided details supporting the parents’ concerns.
They said six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records.
Ugh. Kels still hasn’t learned to put down the camcorder.
They alleged that R Kelly tempts these young women who happen to reach out to him for mentoring and endorsements or opportunities in the music industry.
They said he takes advantage of these girls as early as possible.
Funny thing is that it’s usually their mothers that strive to get them to meet up with R Kelly.
And mans promises them a life with him in one of these…
Bruh! Look at his cribs man. You offer a 17 year old this shit when she’s legal and she will call you at midnight on her 18th birthday like “heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”.
LMAO!! And apparently the Pied Piper dictates their whole life.
We talking all the way to who they talk to.
LOL! Like they have to ask for permission to text their own folks.
He’s been running this Gina farm for years. One of the ‘inmates’ moved in when she was 19 and she’s 26 now.
And the scheme has been perfected. LOL! Cos they’re all legal.
But hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
The truth was bound to come out. That harem was already getting too big for him to satisfy the needs of all of them.
He either kicked them out, or they left of their own will. Either way, not great for him.
Because we all believe he’s guilty.
Ironically, he’s not the only one who has fallen hends this past week.
Usher Raymond IV also caused the phalanges to succumb to gravity.
This whole shit got me like Oh Maaa Gaaad!
Your MCM has recently joined the list of other great celebrities like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Jessica Biel, Pamela Anderson…
We get it already…all of them are shagging.
LMAO! Naw, I need you people to understand that Usher allegedly has herpes.
Usher reportedly paid a former lover $1.1 million to settle a lawsuit after claiming she contracted herpes from the singer.
He got it, he got it bad.
An affidavit from the complainant states that the singer nonetheless engaged in unprotected intercourse without first disclosing that he had an affliction.
“Affliction”, like it’s a Biblical curse…
Well, according to court documents, the performer was expressing a ‘greenish discharge’ from his penis.
And according to Carlifonia law, it is illegal to knowingly or recklessly transmit an STD.
Damn, Ush got have to move out if he wants to keep this up.
According to these same court papers, the plaintiff was later diagnosed with herpes, complete with vaginal sores, fevers and chills.
No but apparently the brother knew he had the virus since like 2010 fam. We couldn’t get an album? Nothing? WTF man?
I thought music was inspired by real life too, you know.
All in all, black men took a hit this week.
Even though OJ got released on parole.
Just a few weeks after Jay Z released The Story of OJ…
Black Power. Black Excellence…and all that greatness.
Still, black men took a hit.
Man, even Kevin Hart was accused of cheating this week.
LOL! Naw, the jokes that flew on Twitter were just bloody.
Although Kevin’s own was a little sketchy.
They just saw him in a car with some other chick and claimed he was cheating, you know. Cos men are scum.
Tell ‘em bro. Kevin out here redeeming our image.
Men are still scum though. We got so much work to do.
“Eigo wa hanasemasen” – Akie Abe
So the First Lady of Japan blew the internet up this week by being the biggest political troll since…well, Donald Trump himself.
You see, Trump attended a two-day summit in Hamburg Germany that ended with a dinner on the 8th of July.
We were all aware of the fact that Trump really went there so he could meet his crush, again.
LOL! He seemed so excited about that meeting.
Anyway, Trump revealed in an interview with NY Times that he was unable to have a conversation with Mrs. Abe because she doesn’t understand English.
“So, I was seated next to the wife of Prime Minister Abe, who I think is a terrific guy, and she’s a terrific woman, but doesn’t speak English […] Like, not hello.”
He was so pained. The evening had apparently been hard because the dinner lasted longer than a football match.
He really narrated the situation, didn’t he?
LOL! His own version of things, really. Because someone randomly dropped a YouTube link where the same Akie Abe is speaking English.
Guardian came up with a hypothesis that we fully support.
That Akie Abe pretended not to know what the fuck Donald Trump was talking about when he tried to speak with her.
Yeah, that’s some grade-A trolling.
Donald Trump would have been like “It’s me. Donald. Remember? Grab ‘em by the pussy? Nothing?”
And she would have scrunched up her face and responded with:
We are all proud of you Akie.
Nigerian Senators would have grown an accent overnight.
They have learned nothing.
We’re getting so good at this shit, OMG.
LOL! Tell your female friends about us.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of today’s segment.
It’s been an honor to bring you the stupidest shit we could find from all over the globe.
Before we leave though, we have to do a quick recap of all the stuff we’ve learned today.
First we learned that you can steal NGN500m, and only have to pay bail of NGN300,000.
Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I mean, unless you’re literally buying gold bars, there’s no reason to not be able to account for that much money.
Even if you’re buying gold bars, at least you’re buying gold bars.
Mariam Mufutau needs to come take a course on Finessing A Consortium.
Then we learnt that leasing a yacht with stolen Nigerian money is more economical than buying it.
Not like we didn’t already know that, but isn’t it more of a bargain, if you people didn’t steal our freaking future??
People out here swimming to and from their homes on the island, yet you people don’t think there’s a fundamental problem with all the infrastructure money being spent on…
I think the vital lesson here is that there’s nothing hidden under the sun. Eventually it’ll all come pouring out.
Next we learnt that men are still scum.
Except Kevin Hart. Kevin is scum-free.
*side-steps Herpes in the name of love*
We hope they aren’t still…messing with the…
Don’t say Same Girl. Don’t do it.
Don’t have to. You already did.
And then we learnt that you can get Donald Trump to go away if you pretend not to speak English.
We hope other foreign leaders will take a cue from the great Akie Abe.
That’s it from us this week folks.
Wait. Aren’t you forgetting one vital lesson?
Well, phone’s dry bro. Get to downloading this app.
Man, today was complete shit. Nigerians have no concept of personal space in public transportation. I swear I was actually fresh this morning when I stepped out of my house. Now look.
Woulda called a cab. Sorry. Can’t relate.
But my people can. I know you’ve had times when you wished someone would just get you a ride home.
LOL! Fam, I even call Taxify on Friday nights when I know that finding parking space where I’m going is going to be a problem.
Please share your experiences with us people, I’d love to know I’m not alone here.
Okay now that’s really the end.
Tune in same time next week for more of this outlandish shit, people!
Peace, love, and laughter.
Later folks! *wrings arms* I’m going home, stat! I need two warm showers.
Shoulda called yourself a damn cab. Ode.
- Premium Times