Rounds Week 39: On Nigeria @ 57, P Square’s Root, Hugh’s Death, FBI Schlong Rescue, and more…

Rounds

In their Independence Day episode, Terdoo and Sirkastiq share their take on Nigeria at 57 and the contribution of the Buhari Administration to the development of the nation. Join them for this week’s episode of tom foolery.

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Good morning everyone!

Welcome to a new day, a new week, a new month, and a brand new episode of Rounds.

I’m Terdoo.

And I’m Sirkastiq.

Before we even go on we would like to say..

Happy new month!!

Uhm, I was gonna say Happy Independence day…

Ah yes that too…

Before we begin we just wanna do a quick recap of the highlight for last week when ‘our president’ spoke up against the President of the United States…

Bron the president now… Nothing but respect for my president..

We have a huge announcement to make at the end of the show people, so stay tuned.

Happy Independence Day Nigeria. 57 is not a small something.

Naija done dey old sha. Small small…

No be small tin.

Okay… Let’s get into it.

 

 

***

The Headlines

Nigeria @ 57

Sit back and enjoy as we bring you

57 Achievements of the Incumbent Presidency

 

P Square Split

The Twins find their square root.

Hint: Press P.

 

FBI Rescues 3,000 Penises.

Trust me, we’re flabbergasted too.

 

A Hugh Loss

An inside look

at the most fulfilled life ever lived.

 

 

***

Nigeria is 57

Yay!

Hold me to the bar, make una shack two two bottles.

Nigeria is approaching 60. Very soon, the country won’t even be allowed to work anymore.

It’s a great feeling knowng we have come this far and we still have such a long way to go.

If Nigeria were a…Nigerian man, this mid life crisis would be killing him.

 

“What have I been doing with my life?”

-Nigeria probes, at 57.

 

That question was roughly answered by the incumbent president’s administration.

Albeit selfishly. They were only concerned about their administration.

The rest of you can suck it.

So the BA brought us 57 accomplishments of the current administration.

I’m actually astonished that they thought up enough accomplishments to hit the number. Also, does BA stand for Buhari Administration?

What else could it stand for?

British Administration?

Well, only difference now is that we have less natural resources than we did then. We’re still rather foolish as a people. But this is not the time nor the place for that argument.

Au contraire mon frère, it is always the right time to talk about these things.

No but for real though, they released 58 accomplishments of the BA.

Notable among them were of course the release of 106 Chibok girls from captivity and the taking into captivity of over 16,000 Boko Haram members.

We gotta give him props for that. He did good, no lie.

Another achievement listed was the curbing of the incidents of kidnapping across the nation, including of course the arrest of kidnap kingpin Evans…

Whose whereabouts are currently unknown Abuja. But you didn’t hear it from me.

Others are the high morale that was restored in the Nigerian military, the implementation of the Treasury Single Account, the implementation of Bank Verification Number, the signing into law of bills that ease the process of doing business etcetera etcetera…

Laudable!

This is just like when OBJ claimed full responsibility for bringing GSM networks to the country.

Hey, it happened during his tenure so you best believe he was responsible for that shit.

I’m glad you said that. Now, would it be weird if I pointed out that it was during the BA that most Nigerians even knew the meaning of a recession?

Yes. It would be weird. Let’s not say that. Edit that part out.

Okay…

We must also not forget that it was during the BA that JAMB Cut-off mark went all the way down to 120.

Even though one of your daddies came out and said it was the universities that asked fro it.

Right, that’s why POST JAMB is always so hard, yeah?

Let’s just hope it won’t be during his time that the country will decide to join ballet class and split…

Like some people we know.

Ah yes, now that you brought that up…

 

 

***

P Square Split?

“There were two black birds sitting on a wall

One named Peter, one named Paul,

Fly away Peter, Fly away Paul,

Now come back little birds and sit on a wall”

 

“This na temptation!!!

With a little confusion!!!”

– Birds

 

“I didn’t die for this shit”

– Mary Slessor.

Let us drop our own cents on the news you’ve definitely heard already.

Of course, our own is to bring clarity to such situations for your benefit.

You’re already welcome. No need to thank us.

You’ve heard different reasons for the rift between the brothers.

Some say it’s the wives that are causing it, some say it’s Jude Engees.

But hol’up, I’m still wondering, what the fuck is ‘Engees’.

Dude, probably, you know, short ibo form for ‘Enigma’.

No way!

I mean, I’m pretty sure.

Ah well, our source has informed us that the real reason things have gone full circle for the Square brothers is because it has been revealed that one of the brothers has no balls.

Wait. What?

True talk G. Straight from the source.

But they have wives and kids, so how is this even possible?

Please don’t ask me hard questions abeg.

Whatever the issue, what is facts is that Peter has written to their lawyers calling for the severing of their contract as P-Square.

Which one is Peter?

The one with low cut, the dancer, the one that is married to Lola.

Oh seen. So Paul is the one with dreads, the singer, the one married to Jude Engees.

Yup.

So P square have found their square root?

Yup.

One of the P’s took things P and decided to press…

P?

YASSSSSS LMAOOO!!

Many seem to believe this is a stunt, as they did before.

A Publicity stunt. Not sure why they’ll need one though.

Maybe for a new song?

Fam, all their songs sound the same yet we gobble up that shit either way.

These Okoye niggas could decide to not even promote the song and it’ll still go…

Platinum?

Yup.

I don’t think I’m going to miss them or anything. They’re huge AF already. Probably time for them to exit the scene.

I have a feeling they’re targeting Nollywood.

If that video clip is anything to go by, then they’ll settle in pretty perfectly. Just roll tape please…

Moving on…

 

 

***

FBI RESCUES 3000 PENISES

In Nigeria, you can actually be walking, someone brushes against you and BOOM! Your dick gets missing.

True talk.

I mean, I’ve heard the stories but this particular one is on another level bruh.

So in Houston, FBI agents have discovered or stumbled on 3,178 embalmed human penises.

Just in case you know someone who has lost his, he might wanna check in Houston.

If he has the balls for that…

Well…

Dave Murray, an employee of the Harris County Morgue, is now implicated in an organ trafficking network.

Just when you thought the only networks available were the GSM ones and CNN.

Say hello to OTN.

One of the agents at the scene, Agent Ramirez said “There were shelves everywhere, filled with hundreds of glass jars. Each of them contained a penis floating in formalin.”

Bruh. That’s a whole lot of wet penis.

According to Agent Ramirez, the accused rapidly confessed everything as soon as he was arrested.

 

“He explained in detail, how he had been cutting off dead men’s genital organs and collecting them for more than ten years.”

 

So many men buried without their schlongs. How they gon’ function in the afterlife?

Probably become monks or some shit.

Do the Unsullied have an afterlife division?

In case you had a loved one iced at a Houston morgue, you might want to visit the police station and check if their penis is among the rescued.

And how would they identify their penis?

I don’t know, sight, taste, feel?

You’re saying they should put that dick in their mouth?

Well, the entire internet is doing things #FortheD, I don’t see why not.

Ayeee, we should hop on that no?

On the D? No thanks. I’m good.

I meant the…know what, never mind. 

Yep. Gonna go on never minding.

A total of 53 criminal charges have already been filed against Mr. Murray and hundreds more could be filed over the next few days.

That’s possibly 53 people that have identified their loved ones’ penis.

The reports say Dave Murray will remain in custody for the moment as a psychiatric evaluation has been ordered to determine if he’s fit to stand a trial.

What do you think should be done to a man whose side hobby is specializing in the collection and preservation of severed penises?

Well…they’re already dead, they don’t need it anymore.

Wait. But he does? I don’t understand.

A man’s gotta have a hobby. An empty mind is the devil’s garage workshop.

Hollup… I’m the only one who sees the irony in that statement?

LOL. Yes please. But you know we can not (as at the time of writing this) confirm if this story is real or fake.

Alright then…moving on.

 

 

***

A HUGH LOSS

Yeah before we head on out, we’d like to take a moment to pay homage to a legend.

The original playboy. Leader. Gentleman. Role model.

You got that right.

Hugh Hefner left this world this past week at the active age of 91.

And then he did. We can’t exactly say if there’ll be virgins waiting for him wherever he’s gone but heck, he still gon get ass anyway.

Yup. You can’t be the quintessential Playboy and not get ass.

Babes that will die #ForThatD.

And considering where he is, they probably already did that, so yeah. All’s set.

In honor of the man, all erections must be kept at half mast and all nipples must stand at attention.

There shall be a 21-tongue salute down below, with a memorial pipe laying ceremony immediately after.

Rest well Hef. Thank you for all the memorabilia.

We couldn’t even forget you if we tried.

We hope your legacy continues.

We really do.

The 91 year old died on Wednesday, and his net worth is at least 43 million dollars.

And if you’re wondering who gets what after the demise well, we’ll have to wait for the contents of the will to become public.

Although his ex girlfriend kinds snitched on him in her 2015 book when she stated that she saw Hef’s documents beside her bed when she was leaving him.

They stated that Hef’s fortunes “would be divvied up starting with roughly 50 percent to his charitable foundation and the bulk of the remainder divided evenly between his four children: Christie, David, Marston, and Cooper.”

His current wife, Crystal Harris will…

Wait. You can’t say that. Crystal is on the market now.

Okay fine. His ex-wife, Crystal Harris, will inherit nothing after his death.

Smooth, Hef. Smooth.

This why you gotta sign that prenup. Did you sign a prenup?

Nope. For better for worse…

It’s because you don’t have any money. You’re still building your empire.

Hef couldn’t afford such nuances, true.

LOL! Heff could afford anything. Somebody that made pajamas a constant look and a mood?

RIP uncle. They said we should not speak ill of the dead but the evil you have done in the world is enough.

Hugh pictured in his work clothes..

 

It’s true sha. The man had no…

 

***

Morals

Absolutely love it when we do that. Drop a bar like that when nobody’s looking.

Are we in the morals section already?

Yes please.

Well that was fast.

That’s what she said huh?

My friend will you focus!?

Fine. Today we threw a bunch of lessons your way.

First of all BUHARI IS WORKING!!

Brought those Chibok girls back and caught Evans…

Also…BVN, bitches!!

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED???

The man has really been doing great for this nation.

And if you didn’t know, and you have to be told…

That…was sarcasm.

I don’t know why you have to be told. As if you’ve not been reading ROUNDS since like 2013 now. You should know better.

Shame on you. Shame on you all…

Then we learnt a vital lesson in math.

You find life morals in the weirdest places.

Should have known..

 

So √P2 = P?

That’s about right. And any of you are free to press P.

Even the Engees guy. Press it.

I’m just glad we won’t have to listen to their jollof music anymore.

Still waiting on that M.I. album huh?

Dude is taking too much time with Renzel.

Then we learnt that the Unsullied have an afterlife division.

Wait. What? That’s what you picked from the FBI article on stolen penises?

Yep. If you’re going to join the Unsullied, you can’t do it with an afterlife penis.

Redefining the phrase “You can’t hang with us”.

And last but not least we learnt that if you have attained a certain level of wealth, you can’t be getting into marriage without a prenuptial agreement.

This applies for both sexes. Right?

But you already knew this. Didn’t you?

Good good.

That’s a wrap people.

Wait. Before we go, remember that ad we put up?

Yeah, we got some amazing responses!

Damn, we’re so proud of the talent out there, shit is ridiculous.

You guys have been hiding some pure old behind those opposable thumbs of yours.

Okay, so we’ve picked our winners, and we’re working on introducing them into our weekly routine.

So stay tuned to this channel people! You’re about to witness greatness!

Don’t get them too worked up.

As long as it’s worth the hype, I’m sure they won’t mind.

That’s it from us folks! We love you and we wish you peace, love and laughter!

Later folks!

Oh and before you leave, drop a comment wishing our favorite in-house loooney a happy birthday!

Aww! You guys remembered!

How could we forget? It’s Funmi’s birthday!!

We love you girl!

Okay okay. That’s really it from us!

See you guys same time next week!

Later y’all!

 

 

***

Sources:

  • World News report
  • Mirror.co.uk

Responses

  1. Debloww
    Lmaooo!!!! This was super hilarious!!! Walked majestically into a gutter while reading this on the road. I should sue. But you can send me fluffy pancakes from that place on Kofo Abayomi. Not about to give anyone free publicity here. Great job guys!
    Happy birthday boothang!
  2. Feyishayo
    😂😂 I died reading rounds today. ‘Unsullied Afterlife Division” , “The P’s that decided to press P” & “Penises floating in formalin”. Great job as always

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