Rounds Week 41: On Nigerian Statements, Football Escorts, Dove Fails, and more…

Rounds

Join Terdoo, Sirkastiq, Saga and Nelly as they bring you the news that’s making the ROUNDS (get it? Yes, that’s where the name comes from. You’re welcome Roundabouts…) this week.

Enjoy.

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What a week it was!

What happened?

Ummm, a lot. Must I start recounting?

Well, I wasn’t the one who said “what a week it was!”

Somebody cannot exclaim again?  

I’m tired of you tbh.

I know. Which is why on today’s edition, you’ll have more than me to handle.

Oh Lord, Tula is really doing this?

yes guys, change is inevitable.

What if we don’t want change? I mean the last man that promised us change changed it for us and left us in a bus like a conductor, and headed to the UK.

…with our change.

Hahaha.. that’s a good one. I get it.

…😕

😶

But Tula, do these guys really have to debut with us today?

Can’t they like, debut maybe when we both plan to have diarrhea while lowkey recovering from a wild night out?      

Quit whining and deal with it guys. Better read the headlines.

Oya Saga, read the headlines. Better read it as it’s there.

Where’s Nelly, eysssss! Be doing puppy face in the corner.it won’t help. Oya!

You guys are up!

***

The Headlines

Statement Week EP1

Everyone had something to say this week.

Including the Buharis

 

Nigerian footballer arrested

Success has many siblings,

and escorts too apparently

More details below

 

SHHHH! Be quiet!

Let your genitals do the talking.

 

Dove epic fail

How to avoid ‘Ad I known’ in commercials

Racism is still real. Stay woke

 

 

***

Statement Week

The Buharis don’t speak much, apparently.

Their own quiet is running on over time.

Which is why all of us were rather surprised when they stood up to speak their mind with their chest the way they did this week.

People, it is true empty barrels make the loudest noise.

But you see, sometimes even seemingly half-full barrels have a little rock’n’roll in them.

And when they come together, they made a helluva noise.

The statements we heard this week were pretty entertaining.

First Zahra Buhari, first of her name, went on her snapchat page and called out the Permanent Secretary of the State House like…

“More than N3 billion budgeted for the State House clinic and workers there don’t have the equipment to work with? Where is the money going to? Medication only stocked once since the beginning of the year? Why? State House Permanent Secretary please answer. […] Why isn’t there simple Paracetamol, gloves, syringes… Why do patients/staff have to buy what they need in the state house clinic?”

Uhm…okay ma’am. This isn’t awkward, at all…

Aisha Buhari also had a few questions to ask.

Yeah, speaking earlier this week, she said she fell ill and was advised to travel to London for treatment but she refused.

#TeamBuhari gotta stop with the shitty advice.

So after she refused to go abroad for help, what did she do?

“I called the Aso Clinic to find out if they have an X-Ray machine, they said it’s not working. In the end, I had to go to a hospital owned and operated by foreigners 100 percent.“

Hmm. I wonder who we have to blame for that?

The mind boggles…

“They don’t have a single syringe there. What is the purpose of the buildings if there are no equipment there to work with?”

Err…aunty. Please can you help us ask him over dinner.

The ting be like adamantium joint.

Oh I get it. Because iron knee…

As in, is this not your husband’s KPI?

As in, right in his backyard he cannot enforce laws??

But once he gets slight headikk now..

The jokes, much unlike these statements, wrote themselves.

Speaking of statements…

The World Bank made one.

It was something along the lines of

“We’ve been concentrating on Northern Nigeria because Buhari asked us to”

And then Buhari made a follow-up statement.

It was something along the lines of…

“Damn right nigga I said that  shit. Y’all ain’t hear me in 2015 when I was auditioning?? Northeast Nigeria has always been a priority. Y’all better recognize..”

Not exactly the brightest bunch, that entire family.

Nor the most diplomatic.

But you gotta give it to them. They’ve been pretty scandal free as far as corruption charges go.

But even then, clear conscience lo wa je??

This tweet pretty much summarizes Bihari’s tenure.

Also…

And in much more disturbing news…

Davido managed to feature in Statement Week.

Tiny back story, yeah?

So the popo found some of that green in DJ Olu’s car. Also, the autopsy revealed that Tagbo died of suffocation.

Damn. Hot boxing can do that to you?

So five-o called Davido back to answer for the “lies” he had earlier told in his statement but Bros D got his Shaggy on like…

“Ayy man. Wadn’t me”

Then dropped the receipts extra promptly showing he didn’t get in the car with Tagbo.

#Davido releases CCTV footage showing what transpired before #Tagbo's death. Part 1

A post shared by YNaija (@ynaija) on

Part 2: #Davido releases CCTV footage showing what transpired leading up to #Tagbo's death

A post shared by YNaija (@ynaija) on

Still on statements, Audu Ogbeh is undeterred in his resolve to export yams…

Yams? Really guys?

This is serious business.

Come on. This statement article has taken long enough. Can we take the mic please, we got shit to report.

I mean. We know how to make statements too, damn.

Fine fine…

Moving on…

 

 

***

Nigerian Footballer Arrested

Although Nigerian footballer Isaac Success was not in the team that took Nigeria to the world cup…

Mans decided to celebrate in grand style anyway by paying a total of £2000 to not one…

…not two or even three…

But four escorts, to spend the night celebrating with him.

How patriotic of him.

He paid the four of them £500 each when they got to the hotel but the escorts said that after receiving their alerts, they had little success in getting Isaac to rise to the occasion after massaging him for 90 minutes, right after he downed two bottles of Baileys.

90 minutes? That’s a whole football match and mans still couldn’t get himself to cum up even as a sub? Tears.

All you men that brag that you’re Ronaldo on the pitch but end up being an Isaac Success in bed.

Ouch! Who hurt you?

And instead of him to just take his L, he decided to assault the hookers to give him his money back after they got tired and decided to leave.

LMAOOOO. Someone’s MCM. Oga Isaac you no hear sey ashawo no dey give refund?

And trust the babes, they called the cops on his ass.

Clearly his ass isn’t the culprit here but his d…nvm.

Smh. He was later released though after some questioning but the police are still investigating the matter.

At least there was a release somewhere at the end of the day.

Lmao. But seriously, £2000 just for assorted vejayjay? I wish I could add footballer to my resume mehn.

You? Footballer? The only balls you’re good with are the ones with a rod attached to them.

At least I’m good with it unlike the escorts. Instead of him to come home and let our babes handle him, for less money in fact. They would have made him rise like yeast. Shalla to my Akwa Ibom babes.

Hmm…good thing he didn’t though because speaking of Akwa Ibom, it seems to be one of the 7 states that the monkey pox has spread to.

And I hear Lagos is also one of them. Sigh.

Yes. Lagos, Akwa Ibom, Cross River, Bayelsa, Ekiti, Ogun and Rivers.

Seems we have another ebola on our hands. It’s also spread by contact with infected bush meat and body fluids of infected persons.

Hopefully not. Nigerians are however advised to remain calm, avoid self medication and report any suspicious rash to the nearest hospital.

Should we expect another salt water bath this time?

Sniper and Dettol solution maybe.

Let’s just hope it gets contained soon. Moving on…

We’ll take it from here, thanks.

Give these kids an inch, they wanna take a mile.

Or 8, depending on how much like Eminem they feel.

Speaking of, did you watch his Trump freestyle on CNN?

Yeah, I did. You know you’re big when they show your freestyle on Cable News. Homie still shows he’s not afraid to drop those bars.

People still said it was patronizing.

I don’t know how someone comes out to say “fuck the president, and all y’all supporting him” and anyone can consider that patronizing.

Must be the patron at work. Someone that grabbed Donald by the balls.

Speaking of grabbing people by the privates in private…

You talmbout Weinstein the waste man, aren’t you?

The one and only.

Sexual harassment in Hollywood has reached an all time low.

Or high. Depending on what side of the fence you’re currently sitting on.

Everyone from Angelina Jolie to Jessica Barth to Ashley Judd have made allegations against him.

Top row from left: Asia Argento, Rosanna Arquette, Jessica Barth, Cara Delevingne, Romola Garai, Judith Godreche, Heather Graham, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Rose McGowan, Lea Seydoux and Mira Sorvino, who have all made allegations against producer Harvey Weinstein CREDIT: AP

Sounds like Cosby all over again. Only this time, he’s white. So you don’t see the media dragging him well enough.

In all fairness, mans has been expelled sha.

But we damn well know that this shit isn’t a Hollywood problem. It’s a male thing.

You all need to do better. You need to see all the threads that came as a result of this scandal. Men are such scum.

Enough thread to sew agbada for the whole nation.

I mean they’re even scum to other men.

Don’t be scum, guys.

Let’s hop on to Ghana real quick.

Where we are schooled on the dangers of moaning

 

***

Moaning during sex is a crime – Maurice Ampaw

According to Legal practitioner Maurice Ampaw, incessant loud moaning during sex is a crime which must be punished.

We need to define what this incessant moaning is.

The one that disturbs the neighbors or the one loud enough to get my dog wondering?

And what if I don’t have neighbors? Can I moan away?

According to him, moaning infringes on the rights of others and must be stopped.

So does generator noise, but you don’t see anyone stopping that.

Nigga lowkey vexed cos he ain’t found a girl that can make him moan.

Nelly?

Not sure if she’s up to the task.

And you know this HOW?

Can we not talk about our guys like this? They are humans with feelings y’know?

Wow! Never thought you knew that.

Continuing further Ampaw said “Why is it that you are having sex and I cannot sleep? you are infringing upon rights to privacy and you are committing what we call sexual nuisance,” he said.

The controversial lawyer explained that,

“There are some girls when they are having sex and you are passing on the streets, you will hear them moaning and screaming.”

Really? This actually happens??

Never happened to me. I should make this a goal.

I mean, is it really sex if no one can hear you?

Gats make her scream “HARDER!”, “DON’T STOP!”, “OBIDIBIPOMBIDI!”

“The worst ones are the men, if you are a man and you are having sex too and you are talking and moaning…can’t you control yourself? You should have self-control,” he said. “When animals are having sex do you hear them moaning like that?”

HAHAHAHA-HA!!

What Mr Paw needs is a babe to help him see the light. He clearly hasn’t had that I-MUST-DONE-LOST-MY-MIND-WTF-IS-THIS-GLORIOUS-SEX-I’M-HAVING type sex.

Clearly missing out on the good life.
Ahem. You would know.
LOL! You damn right. 

Don’t be like Mr Paw guys. Let people enjoy things.

And hey, if they’re gracious enough to give you some commentary, accept that shit and bask in it.

Alright kids, what’s next?

 

 

***

Dove Ad Doesn’t Fly

Apparently racism is still alive.

…And flying. Can’t believe it’s 2017 and we’re still on this issue of racism. It’s like we’re just beating a dead horse.

…Or Dove. Like, who’s their creative consultant or something?

Whoever it is obviously gave them the worst idea ever.

And they basically dove right into it.

Considering the fact that doves are usually depicted as white, it explains a lot.

They really don’t want to be second to Nivea?

Never.

For those of you who still don’t understand what we’re talking about, beauty care product company Dove released an ad on Facebook that was considered quite offensive.

Yup. The ad was a 3 second GIF advertising the Dove body wash showing a black woman taking off her brown t-shirt to reveal a…you guessed right…white woman.

Well in their defence, the ad didn’t end there as it also followed with the white woman taking off her beige top to reveal an Asian woman. But it seems people just stopped watching after seeing the white woman and didn’t wait for the rest.

Which rest? Black woman turned to white woman after using Dove body wash. Wetin remain? I can hear Bobrisky shouting ‘Oshey baddest’ already.

But there was also an Asian girl na. I think they meant to portray diversity and that the body wash is for all women.

Well considering the fact that everyone knows how sensitive race topics are, I feel it was very poorly done. Why wasn’t it the white woman turning black after using Dove? I mean, didn’t they learn from Pepsi just few months ago?

Actually it’s hard to defend them when you see this. This isn’t the first them they’d be posting something racially offensive apparently.

Just look at that, “more beautiful skin”??? Disgusting.

The company has however taken down the clip and apologized on Twitter saying that the post “missed the mark of representing black women thoughtfully”

Yen yen yen yen…that didn’t stop twitter users from using the hash tag #BoycottDove though.

Hopefully these companies will take their content creation procedures more seriously.

                                                              

                                                                                     Morals

Whoosh! That was smoother than a baby’s bottom.

Yeah! That’s how we roll.

So the lessons for today…

Whoa whoa! Triggered…

Smh.

Y’all playing.

Lesson 1. We learnt that when you point a finger at someone, there’s one pointing back at you..

In triplicates, even.

Put your house in order, Mr. President.

All puns intended.

Number 2. We learnt that drinking Baileys before sex causes erectile dysfunction.

And that ladies, if you’re going to collect money for sex, 90 minutes is the validity period. Because your time is money.

Next we learnt that “There are some girls when they are having sex and you are passing on the streets, you will hear them moaning and screaming.”

That’s an actual thing, fam. That actually happens. The bar just keeps getting higher.

I don’t know about you. That’s a regular occurrence here.

Tell’em.

Right…

Number 4. We learnt that when it comes to racism, the issue is black or white with no grey areas.

And that when it comes to being discriminated, we black people don’t like what we hate.

Say what now?

So guys, that’s it from us this week.

*sigh*

Let us know how much you enjoyed this week’s episode by leaving a comment.

Be sure to tune in same time next week for more of this outlandish shit.

See y’all next week. Later folks!

 

***

SOURCES

  • Metro UK
  • Ynaija.com

Responses

  1. Dickson
    I enjoyed it. Glad a babe is in the team. Unlike dove, this is how to promote diversity. I was impressed she delivered and kudos to the new guy too…
    I would like the new guys to do one round from start to finish.
  2. Princewill
    I just read it now, On a Thursday evening. That’s how dedicated I am to rounds (I MUST read it when am less busy).

    ShoutOut to the new guys again. They killed it. ShoutOut to the OGs too, yal always come through.

    As for me, if I never hear her shout, I never do anything. Period.

    As for Dove, I have nothing to tell you but to employ me.

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