*pause, freeze frame*
Terdoh: You’re probably wondering how we got here…
Sirkastiq: It started off on June 14, 1946 when a baby was born.
Terdoh: It’s a ROUNDS special we have for you today.
Sirkastiq: Because I don’t know what greater news there is in the world than when the world elects a new joker.
Terdoh: Aka 45th president of the United States.
Sirkastiq: This thing was like film bruh.
Terdoh: Nah, even Shonda Rhimes couldn’t script this.
Sirkastiq: We were even making jokes about this joke because we believed this joke wouldn’t become reality
Terdoh: But who’s laughing now?
Sirkastiq: You guys, Donald Trump is going to be the 45th President of the United States of America.
Terdoh: Just in case you don’t know the weight of the statement, let’s brekidown.
- He becomes the C-in C of the world’s best military commanding over 2,000,000 men and officers.
- He becomes the man with the launch codes to the “nuclear football’.
- He becomes the most powerful man in the world making decisions that shapen our world as we know it.
- He can order all the models in the world to come give him a blow jo…ummm. Never mind, that’s me.
Sirkastiq: This man…
Terdoh: No, seriously, this man…
Sirkastiq: There are people reading this probably like “what’s our own business with America? Please give us normal news”
Terdoh: Brethren, this isn’t America, this is the world o!
Sirkastiq: See how the dollar (shebi it’s American currency) has affected us? That’s small compared to what bad leadership can do.
Terdoh: Here’s where it started from.
Sirkastiq: In case you want some background information on Mr. Trump’s qualifications to be president, here it is:
Terdoh: Didn’t find anything?
Sirkastiq: Well…look closer.
Terdoh: But how did this all happen? Like what did Hillary do wrong?
Sirkastiq: I mean, she won the debates, got the BeyHive behind her, everyone seemed to be so sure she was going to win.
Terdoh: And then they were too busy retweeting Hillary’s mannequin challenge that they didn’t come out to vote.
Sirkastiq: I mean, why vote when you can sit home, tweet and watch the results come in?
Terdoh: And then the results started coming…
Sirkastiq: …and Nigerians in the US went from
Terdoh: Then Trump started clearing states…
Sirkastiq: and we were all like…
Terdoh: And instead of the minorities to stand up and vote for their future they were doing nonsense…
Sirkastiq: *sigh* Niggas…
Terdoh: Until finally…
Sirkastiq: That’s when we broke down…
Terdoh: Then reality, and panic, started to set in…
Terdoh: YOU HAD ONE JOB, AMERICUGH!
Srikastiq: Almost immediately, the conspiracy theories began and people remembered where they had seen this shit happen before.
Terdoh: I mean the Simpsons apparently had ‘predicted’ this in the year 2000.
Sirkastiq: And you know what else? In that episode, they predicted Trump will ruin the economy so bad, a woman would have to come rescue America.
Terdoh: Well, you gotta run one more time Hillary.
Sirkastiq:; I mean, just ask Buhari how he did it.
Terdoh: Well, it’s either that or…
Sirkastiq: Sounds like a plan. But Kanye asked first. So sorry…
Terdoh: The aftermath of the elections was hilarious at best…
Sirkastiq: Stupid people started changing mouth…
Terdoh: And you know how our African leaders can’t miss out on the huge famzing opportunity that social media provides…
Sirkastiq: LOL! Bayelsa nor dey carry last. E say na “having done this”.
Sirkastiq: The rest of Africa wasn’t left out of the fracas. But most of them were completely clueless on this whole election business, having had the same president since they were born.
Terdoh: Best part had to be the memes that dropped.
Sirkastiq: HAHAHAHAHA…This guys face kills me.
Terdoh: Well brace up, free up space on your phones cos the meme library just about to get filled.
Sirkastiq: Oh, and the brands came through with lit awareness campaigns.
Sirkastiq: Considering the entire election felt like a game of thrones, Jon Snow wasn’t left out of the reactions.
Terdoh: He dropped a rather cold one.
Sirkatsiq: TV show host and the guy whose job we are trying to get, Trevor Noah said what we were all thinking…
Terdoh: You’d recall Trevor always had something cynical to say about the campaign on “The Daily Show”.
Sirkastiq: He never esperrredit.
Terdoh: I just want to tell Trev to start packing his bags because no way he’s going to survive in the Donald’s America.
Sirkastiq: I’m pretty sure he knows that.
Terdoh: Suddenly, South Africa doesn’t seem so bad, does it?
Sirkastiq: World leaders of course had to congratulate Trump, Hillary earlier called to concede, while probably chewing on smelly socks and fighting back real tears
Terdoh: Obama also had to accept the results…
Terdoh: and meet with Mr president elect…
Sirkastiq: This man couldn’t handle his own Twitter account.
Terdoh: And y’all gave him nuclear codes.
Sirkastiq: You know for damn sure Obama’s about to use his remaining days in office to ban Hennessy.
Terdoh:Back home, we had pressing issues of our own because one of you people’s pastors decided not to mind his business and prophesy.
Sirkastiq: If you’re a member of Synagogue church of all nations, please raise your hands.
Terdoh: Deblowww YOU TOO???
Sirkastiq: Pastor TB Joshua had earlier in the week told us that he saw a vision about 10 days ago.
Terdoh: Although he was reading the vision from a piece of paper, because y’know the Bible says “write down the vision, make it plain…”
Sirkastiq: In the vision, the American president emerged by “narrow winning” and it turned out to be a woman.
Terdoh: This is what happens when you’re using bad network to connect to the spirit realm.
Sirkastiq: TBJ went on to say the president will face challenges like “passing of bills” and “passing a vote of no confidence” WTF?!
Pastors reading this, stop using Glo to connect to the spirit realm. #KoLeWerk
Sirkastiq: Turns out TBJ’s source decided to play a fast one, because except Trump is lowkey transgender (which isn’t impossible), then this prophecy is as reliable as Pasuma at a spelling bee.
Terdoh: I’ve never seen anyone so upset about this man’s ‘prophecy’ not coming to pass until now.
Sirkastiq: Still on Nigerian spiritual ‘leaders’ and their comments concerning the new world president…
Terdoh: *sigh* Okay…
*pause, freeze frame*
Sirkastiq: I believe we are all caught up…
Terdoh: Now you see how we got here…
Sirkastiq: Since Trump won the elections, shares in renewable energy companies have tanked.
Terdoh: And shares in arms companies are at a record high.
Sirkastiq: A top Israeli government minister declared the idea of Palestinian state ‘over’.
Terdoh: Fam, even the KKK is apparently holding a rally in 20 days in North Carolina.
Terdoh: I mean if the muslims in your country are afraid to wear hijab, you know it’s bad.
Sirkastiq: I think the moral that we’ve learnt today is that we should kneel down and beg whomever is holding the 2016 controller to drop pad and hand it back to God please.
Terdoh: I think the most important lesson to take from this is that you can’t trust Twitter fingers to give you an election.
Sirkastiq: I mean you know this picture was just sitting in Mama Blue’s inbox after the elections.
Terdoh: We leave you with this vital lesson.