Terdoh: Good morning folks!
Sirkastiq: That’s how this year has finished sha. Like play.
Terdoh: Still! It’s a beautiful day!
Sirkastiq: It’s another boring ass episode of Rounds, why is this one so excited?
Terdoh: Hey! Spoiler alert!
Sirkastiq: What? We all know they only come here to check if you’ve changed the spelling of your name again.
Terdoo: Huh? I never do that.
Sirkastiq: Smh. We don’t have time for your shenanigans.
Terdoh: Right, so Fidel is dead.
Sirkastiq: Hay God. May they not precede the announcement of your demise with “Right, so…”
Terdoh: Amen. He’s dead though.
Sirkastiq: Ugh, in more important news…
Terdoh: They’re going to see him do…what exactly?
Sirkastiq: All the available confuse has been caught here.
Terdoh: Still we’re not allowed to hate.
Sirkastiq: I shall hold my tongue on any issues concerning The Risky Bob until I’m mistakenly invited to sit with presidents in Abuja
Terdoh: *sigh* shall we begin?
When a rich ni**a wants you.
And baba’s economy can’t do nothing for you.
Releases new book.
How To Divide Opinion, Vol 1.
How to Democrate: An African Guide.
-By Grace Mugabe.
Miracle Expellant Launched in South Africa
Perharps, the church needs debugging.
[That might be our best one yet]
The Wages of Sin…
Is boiled egg.
It’ll all make sense soon.
BUHARINDIMIZED – A Study of The Power Phenomena
Sirkastiq: What do you do when the country is in recession and you can’t do shit about the economy?
Terdoh: What do you do when the people elected you to fix things but you’re excellently fucking shit up?
Sirkastiq: What do you do when all the people have in their bank account is change?
Terdoh: We’ll tell you what you do…
Sirkastiq: You get your fine ass daughter…
Terdoh: And marry her off to a wealthy family
Sirkastiq: Because fam, ain’t nobody bout to keep on suffering up in here.
Terdoh: Having said that…
Sirkastiq: Please be informed…
Terdoh: That you and yours are not cordially invited to the wedding ceremony between
Sirkastiq: Zahra Buhari of House Buhari.
Terdoh: And Ahmed Indimi of House Indimi.
Sirkastiq: Which takes place on the 2nd of December 2016.
Terdoh: While most of you will probably be at work slaving off for a coupla’ bucks.
Sirkastiq: Hashtag #BUHARINDIM16.
Terdoh: Who is Ahmed Indimi?
Sirkastiq: Or no one to worry about really, just the son of Nigerian oil tycoon billionaire Mohammed Indimi.
Terdoh: “but there’s no oil you say” …don’t play yourself kid.
Sirkastiq: There’s more oil available than funds on MMM right now.
Terdoh: So yeah, our president has decided to allow Zahra marry someone who is not me and he has asked that it be a lowkey event with just some couple of family and friends.
Sirkastiq: Because dollar is cost.
Terdoh: And he don’t want the Indimis to Indimidate the entire Nigeria with a grand display of wealth.
Sirkastiq: Fair enough…like Zahra.
Terdoh: We just said we should let you know that the reason you’re still struggling with heartbreak and rejection is because you’re poor.
Sirkastiq: You think Ahmed has ever had his heart broken?
Terdoh: Baba, what is a heart break when your bank account na gbagam?
Sirkastiq: Or when your cheque e no dey bounce?
Terdoh: Iyogogo fam.
Fidel Castro Is Dead
Terdoh: Well at least he is giving us accurate news for a change.
Sirkastiq: Thank you Donald. You may go back to terrorizing your daughter’s age group now.
Terdoh: Fidel Castro is dead, ladies and gentlemen. He passed away at the ripe old age of 90.
Sirkastiq: And the world doesn’t know how to feel about that, apparently.
Terdoh: I mean, you know you’re great when you die and people don’t know whether they wanna be happy or upset.
Sirkastiq: Even the Mandela foundation showed Castro some love.
Terdoh: That was met with some stiff resistance, you know.
Sirkastiq: Because most people believed Castro was a terrorist.
Sirkastiq: This why the Africans fuck with Fidel, brethren.
Terdoh: Castro was gangsta as hell though. Mans could talk for hours.
Sirkastiq: I mean, you’d just be chilling in your crib in Cuba, watching some good ol’ whatever Cubans used to watch and boom. Emergency speech, for six hours with a cigar in his mouth.
Terdoh: But this man wasn’t made a legend just because he smoked Cubans.
Sirkastiq: LOL! He was also a legend because he wielded the wildest one.
Terdoh: Bruh. Man like Fidel.
Sirkastiq: Tell you one thing, if I ever have to come back and do this whole life thing again…
Terdoh: You’ll come back as a dictator, yes?
Sirkastiq: With a full beard.
Terdoh: It’s the only way.
Terdoh: Meanwhile, Mr. Trudeau
Sirkastiq: Mr. Canadian Prime Minister…
Terdoh: …gave a statement after the demise of the former Cuban President.
Sirkastiq: It was a very heartfelt statement really. Daddy would have been proud.
Terdoh: The Internet, however, wasn’t.
Sirkastiq: And you know how we always respond with comedic hashtags.
Terdoh: Abacha was a controversial figure no doubt, but his contribution to Swiss banking is eternally unparalleled.
Terdoh: RIP Fidel Castro.
Sirkastiq: This is slowly turning out to be an oxymoron in its own right.
Terdoh: I mean, how in the world does one explain this headline right here…
“Zimbabwe first lady announces herself as new President after Robert Mugabe hints at retirement over health issues”
- Daily Mail, Nov 23rd.
Sirkastiq: The Zimbabwean first lady, Grace Mugabe has announced herself as the new president to take over when her husband, Robert Mugabe finally steps down due to his concerned health issues.
Terdoh: As in, the president is sick. So in advance, I’m telling you people now, it’s me. I’m the new president.
I’M THE WIFE OF THE PRESIDENT, I’M THE PRESIDENT ALREADY … I PLAN AND DO EVERYTHING WITH THE PRESIDENT, WHAT MORE DO I WANT, FOR NOW THE POSITION OF THE WOMEN BOSS IS ENOUGH.
Sirkastiq: She…actually said that.
Terdoh: No really, we can’t make this up. You know…
Sirkastiq: Just in case you have no idea what Zimbabwean democratic history has been like, Robert Mugabe is the world’s oldest and one of the longest serving Head of State at 92 years old.
Terdoh: The man has seen 9 decades. And he’s STILL president.
Sirkastiq: As in, your father’s Current Affairs textbook when he was in Primary School is still relevant.
Terdoh: Mugabe, having ruled for over 30 years, was reportedly advised to drop out of the 2018 election race by his medical doctors, which possibly is the main reason he is forcing himself into retirement.
Sirkastiq: And as he’s stepping down his wife is stepping up.
Terdoh: EES me oh!
Sirkastiq: Speaking at a gathering over the weekend, Mashonaland West women’s league chairperson, Angeline Muchemeyi revealed that Grace Mugabe who has been the league secretary since 2014, told them that there is no point for her fighting for a lesser position after several plans and arrangements had been made with the ailing president to hand over the role of the state affairs to her.
Terdoh: Tears fam.
Sirkastiq: Zimbabwe though. First your dollar rate, now this?
Terdoh: Let’s just hope Grace gives us enough quotables, because her husband was dedicated to that craft.
Sirkastiq: Silver lining huh?
Don’t Use Boiled Egg to Pay for Sex
Terdoh: Speaking of Zimbabwe and the people therein…
Sirkastiq: I mean, you would think that headline was self explanatory.
Sirkastiq: You guys in the world keep coming up with weirder and weirder ways to switch things up.
Terdoh: I mean, just when you think no one could ever top Kenya with the ridiculous shit, Zimbabwe comes along like HOLLUP!
Sirkastiq: I’d never have thought this up, because damn yo!
Terdoh: End times bruh.
Sirkastiq: So a prostitute in Zimbabwe broke a beer bottle over some dude’s head after he offered to pay for sex with a boiled egg.
Terdoh: ONE BOILED EGG!
Sirkastiq: As in, EGG!
Terdoh: The name of our hero is Moses Mushonga and he’s 28 years old.
Sirkastiq: Since the days of old, these Moses guys been doing some weird ass shit
Terdoh: This homie walked up to the young lady who’s into allowing people get into her for a fee and manhandled her.
Sirkastiq: Bruh, he legit put his hand into her bra and groped her breast.
Terdoh: Like he was dipping spoon inside pot looking for meat.
Sirkastiq: I mean, what move is that? Johnny Bravo never taught us that.
Terdoh: These Zimbabweans fam.
Sirkastiq: The normal rule I believe is you agree a price before touching the goods.
Terdoh: But Moses felt he could taste the suya first before anything.
Sirkastiq: He proceeded to then offer what he had in his hands.
Terdoh: Which turned out to be a boiled egg.
Sirkastiq: He thinks this is Egypt where the original Moses used his rod to work miracles.
Terdoh: That could be misread bro, especially in the context of this news item.
Terdoh: Anyway, he told our dear lady (Chipo by name), that he had just spent his last money buying two boiled eggs, which cost 0.25 Zimbabwe dollars, the equivalent of less than a penny or a cent.
Sirkastiq: To make matters worse, he had already eaten one of the eggs.
Terdoh: All this just vexed Chipo more. I mean you just pressed my breast and you’re telling me to fuck you for an egg?
Sirkastiq: The nerve!
Terdoh: Next thing, Chipo entered full agbero mode, grabbed a beer bottle, hit Moses with it and then punched him in the face, before knocking him out.
Sirkastiq: Baba, Moses was knocked out cold.
Terdoh: When he came round, Moses was bleeding heavily from his head.
Sirkastiq: He told local media: ‘She could have just said no.’
Terdoh: Chipo, later said she simply felt he needed to be taught a lesson about respect.
Sirkastiq: Presently, the economy in Zimbabwe is so bad that sex workers have reduced their prices to 0.8 Zimbabwe dollars – equivalent to half a loaf of bread.
Terdoh: But they clearly ain’t gon’ bust it open for an egg. That’ll be too cheap.
Sirkastiq: Well, except it’s your head they’re busting open.
Terdoh: Stay woke, 2016.
Miracle Expellant Launched in South Africa
Sirkastiq: These ‘pastors’ are becoming too expressive for their own good.
Terdoh: And people will keep falling for their antics.
Sirkastiq: Well yeah, everyone is looking for miracle.
Terdoh: The only valid miracle out there right now is MMM.
Terdoh: Don’t know why Banks haven’t started opening MMM accounts seeing as there’s a huge market to be captured.
Terdoh: Back to this story; a South African pastor, Lethebo Rabalago, has been photographed spraying his congregation with ‘Doom’ insecticide claiming it will heal them and expel their troubles.
Sirkastiq: “Doom” is like “Raid, Mortein or Baygon”.
Terdoh: So, imagine your pastor spraying some of that shit on you.
Sirkastiq: Basically, calling you a mosquito or roach.
Terdoh: Rabalago claims that he can heal and deliver people using various substances at his disposal.
Sirkastiq: He says his methods are faultless and only require faith to work.
Terdoh: Sir, your methods are barbaric and you’re a barbarian.
Sirkastiq: I hope he’s reading this.
God can use anything, God can use the mud, God can use saliva, God can use even poisonous things to deliver people.
Terdoh: We agree that God can use anything, but God will not harm people or put on a stupid show just for fame and money.
Sirkastiq: Which is what these pastors do to be honest.
If they see a man of God using that thing it’s a sign of attracting men, so this is a magnetic anointing we are ‘magneting’ men into Christ.
Terdoh: Just when you thought no one could trump Trump in “The world’s stupidest utterances”.
Sirkastiq: The pastor also noted that he uses Doom insect killer to heal people with cancer, HIV or any other illness.
Terdoh: A member of the congregation “Mrs. Mital testified via facebook; “The Prophet called sick people to come forward.”
Sirkastiq: She went and told the Prophet that she suffers from ulcer.
Terdoh: The Prophet sprayed doom on her and she received her healing and deliverance.
Sirkastiq: No ma’am you just received some serious skin irritations…and probably small cancer. You have nothing to worry about.
Terdoh: See this is what happens when you don’t read your bible.
Sirkastiq: it makes no sense. Ignorant African ‘Christians’ keep falling our hends…
Terdoh: Read your bible by yasef!
Sirkastiq: Let’s close this episode please.
Terdoh: And so people, we have come to the end, again.
Sirkastiq: Let’s have a quick recap of today’s articles.
Terdoh: First lesson we learnt today was that to marry the daughter of a president, your bank statement has to have an infinite number of commas.
Sirkastiq: Not zeroes. Note the difference.
Terdoh: oh yes, and then we learnt about the curse of the dictator.
Sirkastiq: You probably won’t live above the age of 90.
Terdoh: Mugabe, you lucky bastard.
Sirkastiq: Well, he’s sick too. So he’s not that lucky.
Terdoh: You can only run from death for so long.
Terdoh: Then we learnt that Doom is used to perform miracles in SA.
Sirkastiq: Embarrassing, really.
Terdoh: I mean, the insecticide is called Doom. How does that help?
Terdoh: Last we learnt that the wages of sin is one loaf of bread.
Sirkastiq: But if you don’t have that, one egg might work. Long as its boiled.
Terdoh: Make sure to dodge that left hook though, cos you can bet it’s coming.
Sirkastiq: And with that, we come to the end of this week’s episode!
Terdoh: Be sure to join us next week, same time, same place, for more of this outlandish ass shit.
Sirkastiq: Be sure to drop a comment.
Terdoh: Later yo!
- The Cable.ng