Terdoh: Good morning people.

Sirkastiq: Tula, where are we on that TV show? Been a while since the people have been asking for it.

Tula: I’m ready when you are, really. It’s just…I have a few reservations.

Sirkastiq: What? Terdoh is too ugly for TV.

Tula: Well, there’s that. And…

Terdoh: I’m like…right here.

Sirkastiq: And…?

Terdoh: Wow. Ugly people have feelings too, you know.

Tula: We wouldn’t know.

Sirkastiq: But you would. LOL!

Terdoh: Your words don’t hurt me, but your hairline does.

Sirkastiq: Until you grow a beard, you can’t talk about my hairline.

Terdoh: What is this? What is this intro please? Smh. Can we stick to the topic?? We’re on a schedule here.

Sirkastiq: So, Tula what are your reservations?

Tula: Well, written comedy is one thing, TV is a different ball game.

Terdoh: True. Anyway, a new year is coming. We gotta work something out.

Sirkastiq: Work out being in the same city as the rest of us.

Terdoh: Wow. We’re discriminating against people who aren’t in the same geographical location as we are now? Dass racis.

Sirkastiq: My friend will you start? You were the one complaining about a schedule.j

Terdoh: *sigh* Right. Right…

 

The Headlines

Data Rates Going Up

Them rates were way too cheap.

They finna hike it…

 

Offset In Gambia

2016 been full of surprises.

Especially politically.

 

Virgin Birth

Myth or Reality

Or Juss the tip.

#Ewinorpen

 

On Becoming

-By Toke Makinwa.

A Maje Exposé.

 

Man marries his own smartphone.

How to be alone, forever.

SE01E01.

 

***

Data going up…or down…like the networks

Terdoh: So last week, we all pretty much heard of the planned data hike.

Sirkastiq: Your daddies in govt got tired of the way you people go online with your flimsy N1000 1.5G to call out their bullshit.

Terdoh: How dare you!

Sirkastiq: They got pissed that they come home from not working and see you giggling ay your phone.

Terdoh: So what did they do? They decided…

Sirkastiq: …which doesn’t happen on important matters…

Terdoh: …to INCREASE THE PRICE OF DATA.

Sirkastiq: Didn’t they reduce the rates like…six months ago??

Terdoh: I take it all back. Like suku.

Sirkastiq: As if we aren’t suffering enough.

Terdoh: It’s just weird that social media has become the problem of his government.

Sirkastiq: The same social media that they used to deceive us when campaigning.

Terdoh: The same one he thanked in his welcome speech.

Sirkastiq: Well, you can’t fault his logic.

Terdoh: What smelly logic?

Sirkastiq: You can’t criticize if you don’t have a voice. And the voice of the people today is online, on social media. Make it inaccessible and the people can’t even hear each other.

Terdoh: *nods*

Sirkastiq: Once communication is reduced, division will occur. Typical Tower of Babel principle.

Terdoh: So you went to school. Ees okay.

Sirkastiq: Wow. It’s a Sunday for low blows, I see.

Terdoh: LOL! Yep. Anyway, it seems the Senate stepped in to save the day.

Sirkastiq: YAY! Ben Moral Bruce our hero. He made this happen right? I mean, he’s always tweeting shit nshit.

Terdoh: Ummm..not exactly sure. The Senators resolved in plenary on Wednesday, November 30 that the planned increase was totally uncalled for and unfair to Nigerians.

Sirkastiq: I mean you’re not paying for it. You’re not providing it. Something that you should be using to campaign, you’re trying to make life more difficult.

Terdoh: You people did nothing when MTN was charging us ₦35,000 for sim card.

Sirkastiq: And when Etisalat was charging like ₦10,000 for like 0.25MB.

Terdoh: Now that things are finally better, our retrogressive government wants to step in and cut short our joy.

Sirkastiq: And the networks were so happy to give us the bad news…

screen-shot-2016-12-04-at-6-42-35-am

Terdoh: I don’t know how Nigerians didn’t turn up on the streets with wicked lines on picket signs. Nonsense.

Sirkastiq: Instead, Nigerians bought plenty data. As if it won’t still expire in one month.

Terdoh: It is the way of the Nigerian. Short-term plan for long-term problem.

Sirkastiq: Deputy Senate Leader Ibn N’Allah actually raised the motion on the increase in data tariffs by the telecommunications over policies of the NCC and all senators condemned it in entirety.

Terdoh: So what exactly does BMB do there?

Sirkastiq: Nothing really. Just sits and acts pretty while blowing hot tweets on our TL

Terdoh: Senate president Bukola Saraki said:

It is very important that we protect the people that brought us here, this is the height of irresponsibility at this time […] without any consultation from the statistics it is almost four times the price.

Sirkastiq: The Senate has now mandated the Communications Committee to ensure that Nigerians are not short-changed.

Terdoh: Well that’s a relief.

Sirkastiq: Sha better buy all your data now. LOL!

Terdoh: The rainy days might still be coming.

 

***

Offset In Gambia

Sirkastiq: 2016 has been an interesting year in politics.

Terdoh: Globally.

Sirkastiq: I mean, we had Trump become President-Elect, even after Hillary’s dabbing.

Terdoh: We saw Buhari take full charge of the economy and deliver on his promises…

Sirkastiq: And now, we’re seeing Gambia elect a new president.

Terdoh: It’s fascinating, really. Because the whole of Gambia is like…

Sirkastiq: Ikorodu?

Terdoh: Or smaller.

Sirkastiq: Meaning Banjul is like Shoprite Ikeja?

Terdoh: Wow.

Sirkastiq: It’s a political offset because the former president, Mr Yahya Jammeh has been there for like 2 decades.

Terdoh: Word. He’s ‘won’ the Gambian elections like 3 times.

Sirkastiq: Jammeh. Swag daddy. Have you seen his outfit? That nigga regal.

jammeh

“You won’t find this swag in Ikorodu”

Terdoh: Jammeh conceded loss to Adamah Barrow yesterday. We were expecting him to go the African route and contest results, but the spirit of Goodluck lives on.

Sirkastiq: In usual fashunz, Buhari came online to famz.

Terdoh: Somebody needs to increase this one’s data tariff.

Sirkastiq: The new president, who happens to be a former staff member of Argos, has won the elections with 263,515 votes – 45% of the total.

Terdoh: Of course, Argos came through with that social media engagement.

Sirkastiq: Love it!

Terdoh: The most interesting thing about the elections to me is the fact that Gambians don’t vote with paper like the rest of you mortals. They use drums and marbles. Votes are counted by how many marbles are in your drum. It’s quite interesting really.

Sirkastiq: So Adamah had a quarter million marbles in his drum?

Terdoh: Big ass drum, if you ask me.

Sirkastiq: We didn’t.

Terdoh: We didn’t what?

Sirkastiq: We didn’t ask you…

Terdoh: Wow. Moving on please…

 

***

When A Spirit Nigga Wants You…

Sirkastiq: Apparently, virgins are still popping.

Terdoh: Or being popped.

Sirkastiq: Without their knowledge, and apparently…consent.

Terdoh: Fam, just when we thought they were becoming the outcasts of society.

Sirkastiq: Nope. If you are a virgin, there’s still a high chance of getting yourself pregnant with no intercourse or insemination.

Terdoh: You know the Chinese have a way of making these things happen.

Sirkastiq: Lin Shuping, a 24 year old woman dost postulate that she is still a virgin, despite delivering a baby girl earlier this month.

Terdoh: Shuping said that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and has never known a man’s touch.

Sirkastiq: Sounds like Mary all over again.

Terdoh: I hail.

Sirkastiq: How about a boy? They produce sperm too y’know?

Terdoh: So dear Mary if you have never been popped, how come you popped out a baby?

Sirkastiq: This question has been keeping me up; I’m almost now a Kardashian myself.

Terdoh: Miss Shuping however said she has no clue.

Sirkastiq: Ok so you miss your period for NINE MONTHS and never stopped to think “Hmmm, maybe Chow mein actually put more than the tip in?”

Terdoh: Then you go into labour and don’t get like “Fuck me! Chow mein really came in me from that distance?”

Sirkastiq: Nah, this Lin has a boyfriend she’s frying dodo for.

Terdoh: She doesn’t want him to catch her cheating ass.

Sirkastiq: Well, he has proof now.

Terdoh: An entire baby.

Sirkastiq: Boyfriend like “Yeah, explain this. I want to understand”.

Terdoh: Lin however sees this as “immaculate conception”.

Sirkastiq: Oh boosheet! We all know that ‘sex style’ stopped at exactly 33, 9mths B.C.

Terdoh: There are easy ways to change your name to Mary tho, just go to a court and swear an affidavit.

Sirkastiq: Yeah, like why go through the stress of a divine impregnation story.

Terdoh: I’m tired abeg. If you wanna be a hoe be a hoe. Don’t bring divination into this.

Sirkastiq: Moving on…

Terdoh: NB: The baby was not named Jesus. For some reason.

Sirkastiq: Yeah, we’re disappointed too.

 

***

On Becoming

Terdoh: First of all, becoming what?

Sirkastiq: Second of all, we are not about to do a review on this 122 page book with empty pages

Terdoh: Hahhaha, the author was trying to form creative with that empty chapter of “the other woman”

Sirkastiq: I heard the empty pages were deliberate and her way of expressing what she felt about her

Terdoh: So she feels empty or what?

Sirkastiq: Maybe the woman will see the pages and feel bad that she wasn’t even worth writing about.

Terdoh: Ummm…did you read ALL THE OTHER PAGES?

Sirkastiq: Oh yeah, true, she was mentioned a couple of times.

Terdoh: LOOOL You’re a piece of shit.

Sirkastiq: But yeah, Toke Makinwaves right now with the release of the book. I was looking for more juicy details like where he was cumming if not inside her.

Terdoh: Oh lord! Maje needs to write his own, I mean, keep the conversation going.

Sirkastiq: Olorun Maje.

Terdoh: Dude is some kinda guy tho. Like I don’t get how you can be such a black ass to such a fair lady

Sirkastiq: I mean, I couldn’t keep up with his lies in the book. At some point, I had to be like “Hollup! Not again!!”

Men are scum.

Terdoh: That saying seems truer and truer every day.

Sirkastiq: Is the origin Nigerian? I’m not sure. But after I saw this, I’m starting to think it is.

Terdoh: Been a tough week for Nigerian men, globally.

Sirkastiq: Well, if you haven’t read the book, you really haven’t missed much. By the time you visit Linda, Bella, Stella, the excerpts put together will give you about 100 pages.

Terdoh: The rest are contents, preface and the blank chapter on “the other woman”

Sirkastiq: Nothing missed.

Terdoh: Hey, at the end of this post you guys should propose other suitable titles for the book. Because “On Becoming” was unbecoming…

Sirkastiq: I mean, we thought we were gonna read about how she became the woman she is today…

Terdoh: Wait. Isn’t that what she did?

Sirkastiq: Well, the book seemed more like a summary on the Life And Sextapes of Maje: An Exposé.

Terdoh: That seems like a more suitable title.

Sirkastiq: There was really nothing in it on her business acumen.

Terdoh: Although, the book itself is testament to her money making skills. I mean she could easily have done a 40-minute interview like Tiwa did. Instead, she chose to make you people pay ₦5,000 to read a book about her Yoruba husband.

Sirkastiq: Her cheating Yoruba husband.

Terdoh: Tautology.

Tula: Wait wait. Cut! Because none of you is Yoruba, abi? You think you can slander us and get away with it.

Sirkastiq: These jokes write themselves, boss. We just read them.

Terdoh: Anyway, get you a copy. Just don’t expect to learn anything other than the shit you already know.

Sirkastiq: Right. Moving on…

 

***

Man Marries His Phone

Terdoh: Because women are scum too, probably.

Sirkastiq: Apparently.

Terdoh: In what has to be a re-incarnation of the Boondocks episode where Grandad had to marry Siri…

boondocks-granddad-marrying-siri

Sirkastiq: A young man in Los Angeles (who is surprised?) has married his fucking cellphone at the Little Vegas Chapel in Nevada last month.

man-marries-his-smartphone-in-church-ceremony

Terdoh: Let’s play…spot the difference.

Sirkastiq: He did it to prove a point about society’s growing reliance on their smartphones.

Terdoh: I mean…we get the message, but the delivery is actual poop.

Sirkastiq: Nobody said you should marry your phone, white man.

Terdoh: Whyt ppl.

Sirkastiq: The young man, Mr. Aaron Chervenak, an artist-director, drove for 4 hours from Los Angeles to Las Vegas to take part in a typical Las Vegas wedding.

If we’re gonna be honest with ourselves, we connect with our phones on so many emotional levels. We look to it for solace, to calm us down, to put us to sleep, to ease our minds, and to me, that’s also what a relationship is about. So in a sense my smartphone has been my longest relationship. That’s why I decided to see what it was like to actually marry a phone.

Terdoh: This is the white man’s explanation for desecrating the institution of marriage.

Sirkastiq: And it made sense.

Terdoh: That one was clapping.

screen-shot-2016-12-04-at-7-59-34-am

Aunty where is ya ring?

Sirkastiq: Nonsense.

Terdoh: During the ceremony, Michael Kelly who officiated the wedding asked:

Do you, Aaron, take this smartphone to be your lawfully wedded wife, and do you also promise to love her, honor her, comfort and keep her, and be faithful to her?

Sirkastiq: “I do,” Aaron replied, and then the groom placed his wife on his left ring finger.

Till low battery do us part.

Till low battery do us part.

Terdoh: That’s his masturbation hand, right. Cos that’s all he’s going to be doing.

Sirkastiq: Ladies and Gentlemen, the world is coming to an end.

Terdoh: Better go and put your house in order and start praying. You think it’s bants.

Sirkastiq: Smh…

Terdoh: Men marrying smartphones. I mean…

Sirkastiq: And that’s the phone you’ll use to text other hoes.

Terdoh: How you gon keep your DMs away from your wife when the DMs are on your wife?

Sirkastiq: RT: Ladies and Gentlemen, the world is coming to an end.

Terdoh: And apparently, so is this episode.

Sirkastiq: Bow your heads…

 

***

Morals

Terdoh: In usual fashunz, we are here again to give you the gems that we scattered in this post, hallelujah.

Sirkastiq: Well, first we learnt that the Nigerian government doesn’t want you to tweet.

Terdoh: Legit. Biting the hands (or, thumbs?) that put you in Aso rock.

Sirkastiq: Ungrateful. Dunno how you’re gonna do that second term.

Terdoh: Someone that has banged mid term paper already?

Sirkastiq: Who are we voting for in 2019 please? Let’s all decide now and start this online campaign.

Terdoh: Next we learnt that the rest of Africa has caught the Goodluck bug.

Sirkastiq: Thank you Jammeh, for stepping down in Gambia.

Terdoh: Swag Daddy Jammy.

Sirkastiq: Long live Democracy.

Terdoh: I mean there was a time Africans used to respond to the words “President-elect” with “Huh??”

Sirkastiq: Now it’s been mentioned with respect to Africa twice in two years. Almost impressive, right?

Terdoh: Hopefully we won’t hear that Gambia is in recession. That will be a weird trend.

Sirkastiq: Next we learnt that you don’t have to put the entire shaft in to sire a son.

Terdoh: Chinese women are too fertile to require all that length.

Sirkastiq: Just the tip is enough.

Terdoh: Then there was the exposé that we all enjoyed reading, because Maje…

Sirkastiq: We all need to do better as Nigerian men. For real.

Terdoh: Gotta wake up with a resolve these days. Look yourself in the mirror and speak to yourself…

I will not be scum today...

I will not be scum today…

Sirkastiq: And last but not least, we realized that the end time is nigh.

Terdoh: Because after looking around at all the beautiful, eligible women in the world, sometimes, the best thing to marry, is the goddamn phone you bought on Amazon.

Till low battery do us part.

At least she won’t cheat on you. Right?

Sirkastiq: End times bruh. End times.

Terdoh: Yeah, it’s time to end this.

Sirkastiq: We know you enjoyed this episode. We feel it in our bones. Make sure you comment and tell us how much. We stroke to that shit, you know.

Terdoh: Oh, and don’t forget to tell us what other titles you think would have been more suitable for Toke’s book.

Sirkastiq: Be sure to tune in same time next week for more of this outlandish shit!

Terdoh: Till then we wish you peace, love and cheap data rates.

Sirkastiq: Later yo!

***

Culled from:

  • guardian.ng
  • news.sky.com
  • africanspotlight.com

Responses

  1. wetty fap
    I feel like the NCC and the Senate set up this data bullshit. they know they haven’t done anything for Nigerians, so they make it look like they are in there for the interest of Nigerians
    1+
  2. Captain4Four
    I don’t know if you guys have heard that network providers are threatening us with poor network since we can’t pay what they asked for.

    hey, how do you know if your phone is a woman? just in case

    2+
  3. Jade
    “……a 24 year old woman dost postulate that she is still a virgin, despite delivering a baby girl earlier this month….” Lool isn’t this almost the plot to Jane the Virgin?
    5+
  4. Ifeolu
    Maje is Itsekiri. But we are same na…
    Plus did you all notice how BuBu changed his speech to Gambia’s President-elect from “The People of Nigeria and I” to just “I”… Haha…he didn’t want anybody insulting him again on twitter as we did during Trump! Lmao! Disrespectful Nigerian Children…maybe that’s part of why Data rates were to go up. Y’all even insult your President.
    I enjoy your Outlandish shit every week guys! Keep it up! And Uncle Tula…let’s get the Video episode of Rounds…we don’t mind their looks! 😂👏👌
    2+
  5. V3r0
    This piece to me is like ice cream mixed with pieces of chocolate and buttered popcorn (weird right)….I luuuuhhhh dat shit! Keep up the good work guys.
    0

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